"Just when you think that the vampire genre is pretty much exhausted and headed toward cookie-cutter, assembly line style repetition, along comes Ray Rhamey's "The Vampire Kitty-Cat Chronicles" to shake things up! Patch is a rather undistinguished and ordinary calico tomcat
-- until he gets turned into a vampire! Now his 'life' is complicated by mobs with torches, hostile undead, daylight, and perhaps worst of all-- politicians.“Superbly crafted by Ray Rhamey, who demonstrates and documents himself an inventive and skilled storyteller, "The Vampire Kitty-Cat Chronicles" is enthusiastically recommended for fans of the vampire genre
-- and anyone who would enjoy a terrifically original and thoroughly entertaining action/adventure fantasy yarn! Incidentally, it's no accident that Ray Rhamey is also the author of ‘Flogging the Quill: Crafting a Novel that Sells.’"Midwest Book Review.
A sample of The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles is here. You can order a paperback or e-book copy there, too.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.
James has sent a prologue and the first chapter. Here are the prologue’s opening lines:
The first chapter opens this way:Mildly annoyed, the young newlywed stood on a faux wooden deck, gazing across the yard at a tool shed door.
“Greg!” she called to her husband. “You’re wanted on the phone!”
When he still didn’t answer, she descended the steps and strode to the shed. As she reached for the door, he cracked it open to peer outside. She rolled her eyes over his paranoia. The shed contained their backpacks, a workbench, and a few electrical parts, not a UFO.
“It’s the railroad. They want you on duty for six tonight.”
While they hurried towards the house, he shook his head in reply to her questioning look.
“It’s a great idea,” he said, “but I can’t seem to make it work. You’ll probably need to talk with a quantum physicist. After all, I’m just an amateur—”
An explosion hurled him against her and knocked them down. After they helped each other up and checked for injuries, they gawked at a crater where the shed used to sit.
“Oh dear,” she said. “I guess it was a dumb idea after all. I’m sorry about your shed.”
He snatched her into his arms and twirled her around.
“Not so! I think you just solved the world’s energy crisis and made fossil fuels obsolete.”
He started to laugh but then looked worried. She wondered why.
A small part of her wanted to blot out the mountain, forget her crusade, and go home to make a lasagna. Otherwise, Cassandra agreed with her beagle. When he lowered his leg and moved away, she confronted the metal post. Embedded in cement, the sign mocked her latest rejection: No Trespassing. Violators will be Prosecuted. Beyond it, a gravel drive arced up a canyon that groaned with mechanical thunder. She glared at the warning and kicked the post.
Despite her preparations, which included lighting a candle the previous night and creative visualization, her protest had flopped. No celebrities, fellow activists, or reporters were in sight–only two ravens on a power pole, ponderosa pines along a county road, and the virgin peaks she longed to defend. Spooked by her behavior, the ravens flew off.
She gave the road a last hopeful look and then turned to stare up the drive. Don’t even think of it. If you stay to picket, it will just be you, your dog, and a bunch of angry miners. Now is not the time to make a personal statement or to share unwanted facts. Next time try a weekend. She turned to go and blanched.
“No!” she screamed at the beagle. “Don’t!”
Laced with cyanide, a torrent rushed beside the drive. Nothing grew alongside it and nearby foliage hung mottled and limp. In the valleys below her daily walks, wildlife that drank (snip)
Prologue, yes, chapter, less so
Good writing throughout, and I trusted this author's ability to spin a yarn. I most definitely wanted to know what happened next with the prologue—by the way, that’s all there was to it, just those 16 lines. In fact, I was a little disappointed when chapter 1 didn’t pick up the story and keep going. I wonder why it didn’t, in fact.
The chapter raised a story question about the dog, but not the person. She’s about to mount a protest against a mine, and there’s some danger, but you don’t see it here. I think the first chapter needs more tension and story if it’s to be this scene. What are your thoughts?
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
- Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2010 Ray Rhamey