"Is this [The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles] horror? Would you call The Munsters horror? Of course not. But it's cheesy, campy, and hilariously funny. There's even a Garth Marenghi feel in a few rare places. Rhamey knows how to write a slick story that draws you in. I'm dying to read the next in the series. "An Amazon.com review.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.
Here are Victoria’s opening lines:
Weary of killing, Liu Jie picked at the blood in his cuticles as he swayed in the saddle. Behind him, his guards and family longed for a respite from travel and skirmishes with bandits.
An inn with a modest tamped-earth façade stood amid a peach orchard they passed and the smell of fermenting fruit brought to mind an old proverb: Wars do not erupt over cups of rice wine. The imperial highway they traveled continued into the walled town beyond the inn, but Jie preferred the countryside. He signaled to stop. "We'll rest here for a few days."
"My lord, let me – " a guard protested as Jie dismounted outside the inn's courtyard gate. The rigid wood spoke of sturdy safety. He opened it. Guards carried his wife and son's sedan chair into the courtyard and Mei raised her eyebrows when Jie helped her from the stuffy litter.
"We cannot reach the Emperor if the men are too tired to protect us," he murmured.
Mei nodded, smoothed her graying hair and adjusted Shan's belt before they entered.
To Jie's right, six farmers in worn hemp robes gathered around an unrolled silk scroll mounted on the wall. He read it in a glance.
"The Son of Heaven requires the aid of all men as sons might come to their father. Yellow Turban rebels assault the people and threaten the capital. All districts report." A crimson Imperial Chop blazed in a corner.

The opening paragraph was full of enticing bits, but then the narrative settled down to arriving at an inn and exposition. The scene is nicely set, and there are story questions, but we see no impact on the protagonist’s life or any change in behavior for him—fundamentally, I passed because of a lack of tension; I felt no particular need to know what happened next. After some notes, I’ll show you something from later in the chapter that would have kept me reading.
Weary of killing, Liu Jie picked at the blood in his cuticles as he swayed in the saddle. Behind him, his guards and family longed for a respite from travel and skirmishes with bandits. (Nicely done, tells us a lot very efficiently, hints of danger.)
An inn with a modest tamped-earth façade stood amid a peach orchard they passed and the smell of fermenting fruit brought to mind an old proverb: Wars do not erupt over cups of rice wine. The imperial highway they traveled continued into the walled town beyond the inn, but Jie preferred the countryside. He signaled to stop. "We'll rest here for a few days." (The “amid” bothered me. It doesn’t seem like you can be amid a singular thing, in this case an orchard. You could be amid peach trees, but an orchard? This sets a scene nicely, but lacks tension, which could be provided by the protagonist’s experience—but here he just has a preference, not a need.)
"My lord, let me – " a guard protested as Jie dismounted outside the inn's courtyard gate. The rigid wood spoke of sturdy safety. He opened it.Guards carried his wife and son's sedan chair into the courtyard and Mei raised her eyebrows when Jie helped her from the stuffy litter. (The part I cut did go to characterization, but very subtly, and I felt most of it contributed little to what is happening.)"We cannot reach the Emperor if the men are too tired to protect us," he murmured. (This may hint at fighting ahead, but he doesn’t seem too worried about it, so I’m not.)
Mei nodded, smoothed her graying hair and adjusted Shan's belt before they entered. (Even though the presence of a son is mentioned, this name isn’t easily connected without a little more context, I think.)
To Jie's right, six farmers in worn hemp robes gathered around an unrolled silk scroll mounted on the wall. He read it in a glance.
"The Son of Heaven requires the aid of all men as sons might come to their father. Yellow Turban rebels assault the people and threaten the capital. All districts report." A crimson Imperial Chop blazed in a corner. (Without having Jie’s reaction to this poster, it doesn’t really have much impact for me.)
Here are 16 lines from later in the story. Do you think this would make a better opening page?
The inn door slammed open and Shan rushed inside.
Jie smiled as his son looked around the room as if all the demons of hell chased him. After all, he was eight.
Then Shan found him, and white-eyed horror filled his son's face.
"Papa, come outside. There's a body!" Shan said. "A dead boy is in the garden."
Breath left Jie as if his son had struck him, but he jumped to his feet. "Show me." They ran out the door. His eyes adjusted to the dark as he rushed beyond the golden light spilling from the inn's latticed windows.
A body. A dead boy. Jie's chest tightened, but he kept running through the courtyard's gate.
Within the orchard, autumn leaves chattered like the river that brings the dead to hell. Did his ghosts crowd him now?
"Over here, Papa!" Shan gestured ahead.
Jie's robes slapped against his legs. He slipped on fallen peaches and the smell of sour wine enveloped him. Each cold breath was visible as he left the orchard and reached the garden. At last, he slid to his knees beside the body of an emaciated teenage boy. Jie put his ear to the boy's chest. It rose. Air squeaked from blue lips.
The writing is strong and clean, so Victoria has what she needs to tell a good story
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
- Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2010 Ray Rhamey