But first, a review from Amazon that I enjoyed.
" Not a vampire fan, not a cat lover, but I was thoroughly entertained by this novel. I read it in about 3 sittings stolen from a hectic schedule. Most novels I read do not catch hold of me that well. I recommend it. Good read. Good entertainment."
A sample of The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles is here. You can order a paperback or e-book copy there, too.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.
Renee’s opening lines:
I wanted more of this storyEvery step forced the iron cuff deeper into the raw flesh of her ankle.
Eleri stumbled toward the dark hole that led to the belly of the ship. All night she had been herded through the forest with the other captives, pushed and goaded by men with blood-stained swords. Only at dawn had they been allowed a brief rest. The women had crumpled to the ground like the night-blooming moonflowers that wilt at the first touch of the sun.
Then the pace had become even more merciless over the faint trail that led to the sea. The foreign ship waited there, hidden in one of the small coves that dotted the coastline of Eriu. Now open water lay ahead. Soon the sun would disappear into the west just as the green hills of Eriu had already vanished behind her.
Eleri stifled a groan. It didn't seem possible that only yesterday Patrick had baptized her in the cool waters of the spring.
She struggled to keep her balance on the tilting deck, aware of the calculating looks aimed at the tall blonde girl in front of her. Despite a disheveled tunic and dirty face, the girl held her head high, ignoring the coarse remarks of their captors. A ferret-faced pirate with an air of authority waited at the head of the line, watching the girl's haughty demeanor with a narrowed gaze. When she reached him, he thrust out his arm to bar her path and tapped a leather whip against his thigh.
There are a lot of things to like about this narrative: a good, clear voice; clean, crisp writing; a sympathetic character; an exotic world to experience; tension; and story questions. What’s going to happen to Eleri, and to the girl in front of her? These few lines are packed with jeopardy to come. Notes:
Every step forced the iron cuff deeper into the raw flesh of her ankle.
Eleri stumbled toward the dark hole that led to the belly of the ship. All night she had been herded through the forest with the other captives, pushed and goaded by men with blood-stained swords.
Only at dawn had they been allowed a brief rest. The women had crumpled to the ground like the night-blooming moonflowers that wilt at the first touch of the sun.(As nicely done as the description is here, it’s what’s happening on the deck of this ship that’s important, so I suggest cutting this and a little from the next sentence to make the pace crisper and get more story on the first page.)
Then theThe pace hadbecome even morebeen merciless over the faint trail that led to the sea. The foreign ship waited there, hidden in one of the small coves that dotted the coastline of Eriu. Now open water lay ahead. Soon the sun would disappear into the west just as the green hills of Eriu had already vanished behind her.Eleri stifled a groan. It didn't seem possible that only yesterday Patrick had baptized her in the cool waters of the spring. (Nice way to weave in a snippet of important backstory.)
She struggled to keep her balance on the tilting deck, aware of the calculating looks aimed at the tall blonde girl in front of her. Despite a disheveled tunic and dirty face, the girl held her head high, ignoring the coarse remarks of their captors. A ferret-faced pirate with an air of authority waited at the head of the line, watching the girl's haughty demeanor with a narrowed gaze. When she reached him, he thrust out his arm to bar her path and tapped a leather whip against his thigh. (I think we could use just a little scene-setting here—how many men are there? There are captors and remarks, but how many men? What do they look like to her (briefly)? Also, while it might be necessary to summarize with “coarse remarks,” what about actually hearing one from, let’s say, the ferret-faced pirate? That would add to characterization of the pirates, and to Eleri as she reacts. Involve us in her experience, don’t report what’s going on. One last thought: how about more sensory details? Seems like there should be smells--dirty men, blood, sweat, the sea.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
- Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2010 Ray Rhamey