Flogometer for Margo—would you turn the page?

“The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles is fun, action-packed and a bit irreverent, a story with a lovable hero and a lot of heart.”
Megan Chance, author of Prima Donna

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Here are Margo’s opening lines from a YA novel:

Something was changing in me, and I couldn’t figure it out. I looked at the razor in my hand. Blood glistened on the edge. I held it near my forearm where a thin red line remained visible next to my opal bracelet, but no blood. I pulled the razor across my skin, again, and watched as the wound neatly knitted itself back together. It wasn’t my imagination, or a dream, because blood lingered on the blade in my hand. I glanced at my open desk drawer, where blades from yesterday, and the days before, lay crusted with blood.

It started after I took a header off my bicycle two weeks ago. Seriously, a bicycle – Mom refused to let me drive the car by myself even though I had my driver’s license. After the bicycle accident, I sat on the sidewalk and looked at the cuts and scrapes on my hands and knees. They’d already stopped bleeding. When I got home, I went to clean myself up – but the cuts had completely disappeared. I attempted to tell my mom, but she suggested I’d imagined the injuries.

She also said, “Maybe the fire opals healed them. They’re supposed to have healing properties.” She smiled. As a geologist, she disregarded the metaphysical properties of rocks and crystals. However, what alternatives explained the healing? Did I inherit the ability like I inherited my blond hair and blue eyes? Maybe I should talk to Dad, because Mom was no help. But, Dad was always in a hurry. Rarely did he slow down to do anything with us, let alone listen.

Close, but I didn’t move forward
This has a nice voice and certainly opens with an interesting story question—why is this miraculous healing happening to this person—but the laid-back tone of the narrative ultimately cause a lack of credibility. So did the mother’s reaction—I’m a parent, and I don’t think that if a child of mine had come to me with a sincere story of cuts and scrapes healing almost instantly my reaction would have been to dismiss it (even if I thought my kid was nuts, I’d surely be on that case).

More than that, it’s the boy’s attitude. Basically, he’s just puzzled and musing. This extraordinary change doesn’t seem to provoke any strong emotion in him. I can’t see a teenager reacting in that way unless it’s motivated somehow, and it’s not here. So, on two points, the narrative lacked credibility. Notes:

Something was changing in me, and I couldn’t figure it out. I looked at the razor (blade?) in my hand. Blood glistened on the edge. I held it near my forearm where a thin red line remained visible next to my opal bracelet, but no blood. I pulled the razor across my skin, again, and watched as the wound neatly knitted itself back together. It wasn’t my imagination, or a dream, because blood lingered on the blade in my hand. I glanced at my open desk drawer, where blades from yesterday, and the days before, lay crusted with blood. (If this has been going on for two weeks, then he has changed, not changing. I wonder about the razor, too. These days, 99.9% of razors you buy are either the disposable kind or have a disposable cartridge and don’t use separate blades any more. Where would this kid be getting razor blades? Also, does it hurt when he cuts himself? If not, wouldn’t he marvel at that, too? And, since this has been going on for two weeks, all that he’s doing about it is still cutting himself? It seems to me that this would be a HUGE change in anyone’s life, especially that of a teen, but after two weeks all he’s doing is this?)

It started after I took a header off my bicycle two weeks ago. Seriously, a bicycle – Mom refused refuses to let me drive the car by myself even though I had have my driver’s license. After the bicycle accident, I sat on the sidewalk and looked at the cuts and scrapes on my hands and knees. They’d already stopped bleeding. When I got home, I went to clean myself up – but the cuts had completely disappeared. I attempted to tell my mom, but she suggested I’d imagined the injuries. (Here we divert to backstory. If it were related to the cause of this—something about which the character seems uncurious—that might be okay. But this paragraph serves only to tell us about something that we’ve already witnessed in the opening paragraph. In my view, what we should be getting into here is the impact of this on his life.)

She also said, “Maybe the fire opals healed them. They’re supposed to have healing properties.” She smiled. As a geologist, she disregarded the metaphysical properties of rocks and crystals. However, what alternatives explained the healing? Did I inherit the ability like I inherited my blond hair and blue eyes? Maybe I should talk to Dad, because Mom was no help. But, Dad was always in a hurry. Rarely did he slow down to do anything with us, let alone listen. (You know my thoughts on the mother’s reaction. We’re getting more backstory and exposition here, at a time when something needs to be happening to this boy to cause him tension and concern because of the impact of this healing ability on his life. What’s the downside of this? How does it jeopardize him? What are the stakes?)

I think there is a lot of good stuff ahead in this story, but so far I haven’t been engaged enough with the character to make it feel like it’s worth reading on. Try starting later in the story, or perhaps have this ability impact him right after he discovers it, not weeks later. In other words, where’s the drama, the urgency, of this story?

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey