BuzzBlast contest winner! Sarah won a signed copy of The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles and this tank top. Thanks for your help, Sarah.
The Flogometer challenge:compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.
Janet’s opening 16 lines from her memoir:
I didn’t move onI was ten years old in 1974 when I first learned that I had two half-brothers, in addition to my four full siblings. I stood in the Super Duper cereal aisle next to the Trix when my 14-year-old sister Jenny told me, confidentially of course, that Jim, a “family friend” of my grandparents, was actually my mother’s second son.
“She was married before Dad,” Jenny told me, “and she had two kids.” Then she added, “But I’m not supposed to tell you, so you have to act surprised.” I was stunned and uncharacteristically speechless. She went on, “I think they’re planning to tell you soon.”
And they did. That evening, both my parents sat down with Liz and me, the two youngest and always the last to know, and revealed the secret that had been hidden for years. The information was a blur. Mother had been married before; I had two half-brothers; her first husband Bob didn’t want a divorce so she had gone to Little Rock, Arkansas to get one.
And then Mother said, almost casually, “And when we were in Little Rock, Bob kidnapped the kids.” The word fell easily off her tongue.
“Kidnapped?” I asked. I pictured two young boys bound and gagged in the back seat of a car. “What?” I felt faint. It must have shown on my face because Mother added quickly, “Oh, I got them back. I was still in Little Rock, but my mother filed a Writ of Habeas Corpus with the (snip)
I believe that memoirs have to have the same compelling nature as a good novel, and the opening needs to not only raise story questions that compel you to turn the page, but also promise a good story in the same ways that a novel does.
While Janet’s opening does suggest an interesting story, for me it doesn’t meet the level of compelling. We don’t know what the story is really about, i.e. what is it that impacts the girl in the opening? How (and when) does this addition of unknown brothers affect her life in a way that creates a significant change? Is there jeopardy involved? What are the stakes, just as in a novel?
The writing is strong, but the scene is still backstory. What is happening in the now of the character’s life? I suggest that you approach this just as if it were a story, with a dramatic opening scene that shows us something rather than relates it. The opening of “I was ten years old when. . .” telegraphs a “telling” rather than an experience. Plunge us into whatever experience she has that jolts her out of her ordinary, ten-year-old life. If an encounter of some kind with one or more of the unknown half-brothers is what the story is about, why not start the story there? Notes:
I was ten years old in 1974 when I first learned that I had two half-brothers, in addition to my four full siblings. I stood in the Super Duper cereal aisle next to the Trix when my 14-year-old sister Jenny told me, confidentially of course, that Jim, a “family friend” of my grandparents, was actually my mother’s second son.
“She was married before Dad,” Jenny told me, “and she had two kids.” Then she added, “But I’m not supposed to tell you, so you have to act surprised.” I was stunned and uncharacteristically speechless. She went on, “I think they’re planning to tell you soon.” (Here, the sentence “I was stunned and uncharacteristically speechless.” amounts to “telling” rather than showing. For example, what if “uncharacteristically speechless” were instead shown from within her experience with something like “I opened my mouth but none of the words that usually gushed from me were there, only silence.” More, what is the emotion that she feels at this? Curiosity? Anxiety? But, still, for me this is too early in the tale to begin the story.)
And they did. That evening, both my parents sat down with Liz and me, the two youngest and always the last to know, and revealed the secret that had been hidden for years. The information was a blur. Mother had been married before; I had two half-brothers; her first husband Bob didn’t want a divorce so she had gone to Little Rock, Arkansas to get one.
And then Mother said, almost casually, “And when we were in Little Rock, Bob kidnapped the kids.” The word fell easily off her tongue. While this was interesting, for sure, it’s not the character’s story, it’s the brothers’)
“Kidnapped?” I asked. I pictured two young boys bound and gagged in the back seat of a car. “What?” I felt faint. It must have shown on my face because Mother added quickly, “Oh, I got them back. I was still in Little Rock, but my mother filed a Writ of Habeas Corpus with the (snip) Adverbial phrases such as “added quickly” aren’t as effective for me as action and a strong verb are. For example, what if, instead, she “blurted” the words? Or if, instead of quickly, it was said reassuringly, i.e. She put her hand on mine and smiled. “Oh, I got them back. . .etc.”
The voice is nice and the writing strong and clean. I suggest that you try to rewrite the opening scene, a scene with drama and consequences, as if it were a novel. Just to see what happens, you might try writing it in third person—you can change it back to first person when you’ve got a sense of the story and how to deliver the experience. A reader, when she comes to any story, whether memoir or fiction, wants a sense of “what’s in this for me?” If not a riveting story, then an important life lesson to learn.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
- Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2010 Ray Rhamey