Update My monthly post on Writer Unboxed is about creating and distributing a podcast, in case you're interested.
The Vampire Librarian says, “The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles by Ray Rhamey is a fun, quirky and entertaining read that gives you a “behind-the-paws” story from a cat’s perspective.
“Because Rhamey lays out the story from the cat’s perspective, it gives you an objective insight into how we humans behave toward those that we consider different. There were quite a few parallels to be drawn from the vampire’s fight for equal rights and justice to the fight against discrimination that occurs in today’s world.
“In addition to being an incredibly fun story to read, I found The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles to be very cleverly written as well. You have to give props to Rhamey for providing such an original and unique entry in the vampire book genre. As I was reading the book I envisioned a whole series of books that document the adventures of Patch and Meg - doesn’t that have a good ring to it?
“I recommend this book to all fantasy readers, in particular, ones looking for a refreshing take on the vampire craze. And as for you cat lovers out there - haven’t you always wanted to know what your kitty really thinks?
The Flogometer challenge:compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.
Luca is resubmitting, this time with a prologue and a first chapter. His prologue’s first 16 lines:
She was marked as one who resists. Her beauty made her a tempting potential convert, though, and this new cult was nothing if not sure in its own power. A sureness, perhaps, arising from simple insanity.
Nadia tried to distance her emotional self from what she was doing, a professional ability long mastered. She failed. With aching clarity, she could feel the thick, solid leather handle in her hands. Could feel the tug as the corded lengths of the whip hissed across the girl’s back, and wrapped around her soft waist. She tried to block out the soft, pleased sighs that the girl made in response, but could not.
It was all so repulsive.
She was in a dark, deep world, far out of sight of reality. This temple was a hidden thing. A dank series of chambers, draped with gold and idolatry, secreted away from those who did not belong. Those in the streets of Kalgir, which seemed so distant, had no idea that a cult so deprived squirmed and bred beneath their feet. Innocent, as much as any common populace, they would never be prepared when it at last burst out into their city. Her city.
The walls ran with sweat and the wooden floor was slick and warm. She knelt in it, felt it seep into her skin. Around her acts were performed that should have been gentle and (snip)
And now the first chapter opening:
Unther was certain he had seen something skulking in the trees by the side of the road. Reckless whickered and stopped, nostrils flaring. Unther leaned forward to pat his neck, whispering to soothe him.
Unther’s sight had lost some of its clarity, particularly at night; beyond the near tree-line the forest was nothing but a dark smudge. He squinted into the blackness, and strained his ears to pick up any sounds beside the rain thrumming against his breastplate and helm.
Yes, there, something moved.
Wraithlike beings emerged out of the trees. They appeared slowly, shadowy forms stepping hesitantly out of the darkness. Three, no, four of them. Their eyes, clear and white, were fixed on Unther and Reckless.
The first of the figures stalked out onto the roadway, and Unther could see him clearly at last. It was a ‘him’, not an ‘it’. A man, half-naked, his body oddly wrapped in lengths of cloth seemingly arranged at random. Dark markings smeared the man’s pale skin, where it was exposed, and his hair appeared lank and dishevelled, as if he’d just woken from sleeping on the ground. He seemed not to notice the rain.
The man paused, a few feet clear of the tree-line, and regarded Unther, his face split (snip)
The prologue didn’t get me, but the first chapter worked pretty well
It just may be that at this time in the morning I didn’t want to be immersed into something repulsive. There’s a bit of overwriting, too, and overwritten repulsiveness held little appeal.
The chapter worked better, and would have been even stronger with a little trimming to get the 17th line on the page. Notes, including that missing line:
Unther was certain he had seen something skulking in the trees by the side of the road. Reckless whickered and stopped, nostrils flaring. Unther
leaned forward topatted his neck, whispering to soothe him. (The leaning forward is a tiny bit of overwriting. While the writer is seeing the action clearly, this little piece isn’t needed and adds to the words that must be absorbed. I’d keep it crisp, especially in an action scene.)
Unther’s sight had lost some of its clarity, particularly at night; bBeyond the near tree line the forest was nothing but a dark smudge. He squinted into the blackness, and strained his ears to pick up any sounds beside the rain thrumming against his breastplate and helm. (The part I cut is “telling,” the author giving information, and not the experience of the character. And it doesn’t tell enough—why has his sight lost clarity? If this were delivered from within the character’s pov and included a reason, it could work. For example: Unther cursed the years that had dimmed his night vision; beyond the near . . .etc.)Yes, there, something moved.
Wraithlike beings emerged out of the trees
. They appeared slowly, shadowy forms stepping hesitantly out of the darkness. Three, no, four of them. Their eyes, clear and white, were fixed on Unther and Reckless. (The part I cut is more “telling,” and was delivered better anyway later in the sentence with “stepping hesitantly,” which includes slowness—though I’d look for a way to change the adverb.)The first of the figures stalked out onto the roadway, and Unther could see him clearly at last. It was a ‘him’, not an ‘it’. A man, half-naked, his body oddly wrapped in lengths of cloth seemingly arranged at random. Dark markings smeared the man’s pale skin where it was exposed,
andhis hairappearedlank and disheveled, as if he’d just woken from sleeping on the ground. He seemed not to notice the rain. (His hair either was lank and disheveled or it wasn’t; the equivocation does not help or seem necessary.)The man paused, a few feet clear of the tree line, and regarded Unther, his face split by a wide grin. Unther caught the glint of a blade in the man’s hand.
Does this edit work any better for you? Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
- Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.