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New Friday Fun & Flogometer for Jim—would you turn the page?
Friday Fun: podcasts of The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles. Every Friday for the next 25 Fridays, I’ll be posting a new podcast chapter from the novel (that’s assuming I can keep up with the production schedule—these things take forever to produce!). The first episode is above. It weighs in at 18 ½ minutes. Please give it a try when you could use a break, a laugh, and can play sound. Oh, and I’d love to get your feedback on it. Eventually these will be compiled into a single audiobook. You can hear the first episode and subscribe to the series for free at PodOmatic and iTunes. If you like what you hear, visit www.vampire.com for more fun.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Jim has sent a revision. His first 16 lines:
Not there yet for meMike Brady’s tumultuous life of the last several years had improved somewhat, until the incessantly ringing doorbell woke him on a Sunday morning. He rolled up and sat on the edge of the bed, rubbing his hands over his head; he was suffering from a hangover. “Ok, ok,” he said in a low tone, not being able to raise his voice for fear of disturbing his headache. His pajamas hung in disarray as he made his way to the door, each footfall on the hardwood floor exacerbated his headache.
Mary Gilmore stood on the other side of the door. She frowned at Mike and raised a revolver from her side to fire one bullet into Mike’s chest. It happened so fast Mike couldn’t even ask why.
Four miles away, Ray Poirier, a police captain on the Oakdale police department where Mike lived and a close friend of Mike’s, walked into his kitchen and picked up the phone.
“Bad news, Ray,” the police dispatcher said.
“What’s wrong?”
“Some nut just shot your buddy, Mike Brady.”
“Oh, no, where?”
“At his front door, an ambulance and two cars are on the way, might be there as we speak, don’t know anymore.”
While this opens with good, strong story questions, there were craft concerns, including signs of overwriting and some voice/point-of-view things that didn’t gel for me. I liked the opening action, though. Notes:
Mike Brady’s tumultuous life of the last several years had improved somewhat, until the incessantly ringing doorbell woke him on a Sunday morning. He rolled up and sat on the edge of the bed, rubbing his hands over his head; he was suffering from a hangover. “Ok, ok,” he said in a low tone, not being able to raise his voice for fear of disturbing his headache. His pajamas hung in disarray as he made his way to the door, each footfall on the hardwood floor exacerbated his headache. (For me, the part about his tumultuous life improving was “telling” that really had no meaning since I don’t know this character and don’t know what his life was like then or now. In other words, it didn’t contribute to either story or characterization. Also, we start out very distant, with the author telling us stuff, and then we shift abruptly into a closer point of view. You could lose most of that first sentence. “he was suffering from a hangover” is more telling, sort of an abstract summary. Help us feel it better; quick thoughtstarter: the too many beers he’d had the night before were now all in his head, trying to explode his skull with pain. “said in a low tone” is also abstract, and “low” is relative—low compared to what? Why not just, simple, “whispered.” And I think the talking-low-because-of-a-hangover is a little on the cliché side. His pajamas hanging in disarray is more telling and a slide back out to a distant author’s point of view. If we were in a close pov, he wouldn’t be thinking about pajamas hanging in disarray. He might pull at his pajama top, which had twisted around him in the night (for example). Give us actions and descriptions that show us what’s going on, don’t tell us about it. Same goes for the last part about footfalls exacerbating his headache—more author on the scene; I doubt that, with a headache that severe, he would be thinking words like “exacerbated.” We’re too distant to feel his pain, and the telling doesn’t help us experience it.)
Mary Gilmore stood on the other side of the door. She frowned at Mike and raised a revolver from her side to fire one bullet into Mike’s chest. It happened so fast Mike couldn’t even ask why. (This I liked. Clear, simple, direct, and provocative.)
Four miles away, Ray Poirier, a police captain on the Oakdale police department
where Mike lived and a close friend of Mike’s,walked into his kitchen and picked up the phone. (I cut “where Mike lived” because it’s not germane (overwriting), and the close friend part isn’t necessary because the dialogue reveals the relationship almost immediately.)“Bad news, Ray,” the police dispatcher said.
“What’s wrong?”
“Some nut just shot your buddy, Mike Brady.” (for my money, you could stop the narrative with this and do a jump cut to the scene that’s described on a later page: At Mike’s house, Mary Gilmore’s lifeless body lay with a gunshot wound in the side of her head, a pistol beside her. Ray looked down at Mary and wondered if this would be the end of the deaths surrounding the Castlegate Club. What follows is more overwriting, i.e. the ambulance, etc. are detail that isn’t necessary to the story. Just get the cop on the scene!)
“Oh, no, where?” (If he is a close friend, I think some internal monologue showing his inner reaction—distress—would be helpful in characterizing. A clue as to the importance of their relationship might be good, too, if brief.)
“At his front door, an ambulance and two cars are on the way, might be there as we speak, don’t know anymore.”
Keep at it, Jim. Where you focus on what’s happening, the narrative works well. Watch for point of view—either stay out and omniscient (not the popular choice these days) or give us (with showing) the character’s experience, what he is feeling, seeing, thinking.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Public floggings available. If I can post it here,
Submitting to the Flogometer:
- Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
We pause for a brief commercial message—and appeal for help + video!
There’s a person out there named R.B. (a.k.a. the Grinch) who has commented on what a terrible thing I’m doing, using my blog to talk about my own publishing efforts. You know what? I don’t care. I’ve spent a gazillion hours not only writing a novel but in doing countless other things to try to break out, things that might ultimately benefit you some day—consider it a pioneering effort. For instance:
- Designed the book and its cover (just one proof away from done)
- Set up printing and distribution with Lightning Source and Ingram
- Created free podcasts of the novel
- Created ebook versions (they are now officially published)
- Created, with a friend’s help, the video below
- Created a website, www.vampirekittycat.com
- Designed graphics for garments, mugs, water bottles, and opened a store
- Sent ARCS out for blurbs and reviews—see the peachy one from Tess Gerritsen below
- And come up with the BuzzBlast contest to make spreading the word (your part in all this) fun and prize worthy
I hope you’ll join me in challenging the status quo, the conventional wisdom that a writer can’t succeed in publishing a novel—much less write one that people like R.B. will, after looking down their noses, deem worthy of reading. Listen, the publishing world is changing, and I—and you—may be its future.
In fact, if you read on, you’ll see how this effort could possibly affect you through the new imprint I’m using for this book, Platypus. But first, some fun.
Tess Gerritsen, bestselling author of Ice Cold says this about The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles,
"What a pleasure! Quirky and laugh-out-loud fun. Ray Rhamey takes the vampire novel where it's never been before, into the realm of sheer hilarity."
If you enjoyed the video and would like to use it, you can get the code for embedding it in your website or blog by right-clicking on the player image.
BuzzBlast contest starts now! It's simple, and everyone has a chance to win. Use email or Twitter to spread the word according to the contest rules here. No purchase necessary.
Folks,
for this to work, I really need your help in spreading the word. I'm
not asking (or expecting) anyone to buy the book, just let people know
about the website. They'll make their own decision. After you visit the
BuzzBlast contest page, take a look around the website—there are
podcasts, the video, a sample from the book, and reviews and
endorsements.
There are currently two contest periods, this week and next week. Read all about it here, and take a look at the fun stuff you could win.
Even if you don’t enter the contest, PLEASE consider emailing or
tweeting as many people as you can and send them to the website:
www.vampirekittycat.com. A shortened URL for tweets is
http://bit.ly/7TPGjy. That’s all
The future of publishing is us
We’re the writers who provide the fuel that powers publishing. If we can get through the barriers that face us, our work will reach an audience, and we may even make a buck or two. But I believe that there are many novels like mine that don’t fit into the status quo definitions of what is publishable that languish, unread.
So, if this effort for The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles succeeds, I’m going take what I've learned and open up my teensy publishing company to submissions from writers who want to try the indie route to breaking in. I call it Platypus.
Unbeaten paths to worthy reads
That’s the theme line for Platypus, and here’s what it’s about. The platypus breaks all the rules—it’s the only mammal that lays eggs, is venomous, has a duck bill, a beaver tail, and otter feet—and it does just fine, thank you very much.
It can be the same for novels that don’t slip tidily into genre
pigeonholes. Platypus authors take readers on unique paths to
entertainment, truth, and enjoyable reads.
I hope you’ll visit the page on the publishing website that tells you more. This is new, and will be refined and developed over the months as I wrestle with publishing my kitty-cat story.
It’s not vanity publishing, and not like the iUniverse-type operations, but a true partnership. We share the work, we share the income. We don’t expect much, either—there are no promises, no guarantees.
I'm signing off for today. Please visit vampirekittycat.com. We will resume regular flogging Wednesday, but I will still keep promotional elements up on the blog.
© 2010 Ray Rhamey
Flogometer for David—would you turn the page?
Publishing progress I’ve created the gear that will be part of the prize list for the BuzzBlast contest that I hope to launch next week—stay tuned! You can see them at the new FtQ Press store. Since they spring from the world of the novel, only those who have read it will see the merits of some designs at this point. But, still, some of them have fun with the vampire myth that may have general appeal.
BuzzBlast contest a-comin’. Prizes will include gear (t-shirts, mugs) from the world of Patch and signed copies of The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles. As soon as the book trailer video and a couple of podcasts are online, I’ll launch a weekly buzz-builder contest to get you to help spread the word about my novel. No purchase necessary, and everybody will have a chance to win. Watch for it!
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.
David’s first 16 lines:
YepTosk didn’t want trouble; he just wanted more ale before he died. The bone mug from which he always drank sat empty on the table before him. Not even a drop of warm, dark brew still moistened the bumps and pits that covered its surface. He glowered at the mug, squeezing it until his knuckles turned white, half-hoping that physical force alone might fill it with drink. Whether a result of his drunkenness or some other delirium, the markings on the alabaster, shaped bone appeared to swirl and twist into a toothless smile, as if mocking his impotence.
How long had he sat there with nothing to dull his senses? Minutes? Hours? Swiping wisps of hair from his eyes, he looked away from the mocking mug. A weak, hazy light filtered through the tavern’s dirt-streaked windows, signaling the onset of dusk. He pursed his lips. Another half day lost. Not that it really mattered to him anymore. Time was only useful for measuring the distance between drinks, and what happened during his blackouts was better left unremembered.
The holes in his memory came more frequently as of late, but instead of worry he welcomed them
-- anything for a release from the pain. Now that he was nearly sober, his head pounded with the force of a blacksmith’s hammer, removing any other desires he might have had except for one: he needed a refill.The serving girls, once eager to take his coin, now avoided him, busying themselves with other (snip)
With an appealing voice and professional-level writing, plus subtle story questions, I turned this page. This is the kind of writing that I find it difficult to see shortcomings in because it sucks me into the story. Still, the tension level isn’t huge, and I have some notes. Nice work, David.
Tosk didn’t want trouble; he just wanted more ale before he died. The bone mug from which he always drank sat empty on the table before him. Not even a drop of warm, dark brew still moistened the bumps and pits that covered its surface. He glowered at the mug, squeezing it until his knuckles turned white, half-hoping that physical force alone might fill it with drink. Whether a result of his drunkenness or some other delirium, the markings on the alabaster, shaped bone appeared to swirl and twist into a toothless smile, as if mocking his impotence. (A missed opportunity—it turns out that this mug is his, and has meaning to him. Later, he’s willing to fight to get it back. But here it seems as if it’s the mug that he always gets at a place where he always drinks. If there’s a way to slip the specialness of the mug in
-- succinctly!-- it would help both now and later, I think.)How long had he sat there with nothing to dull his senses? Minutes? Hours? Swiping wisps of hair from his eyes, he looked away from the mocking mug. A weak, hazy light filtered through the tavern’s dirt-streaked windows, signaling the onset of dusk.
He pursed his lips.Another half day lost. Not that it really mattered to him anymore. Time was only useful for measuring the distance between drinks, and what happened during his blackouts was better left unremembered. (Nice way to ease a story question in—what is it with the blackouts? I cut one line because a certain level of crispness is good on the first page, and it wasn’t vital.)The holes in his memory came more frequently as of late, but instead of worry he welcomed them
-- anything for a release from the pain. Now that he was nearly sober, his head pounded with the force of a blacksmith’s hammer, removing any other desires he might have had except for one:he needed a refill. (The pain of what? Injury? Memory? What? It would help create empathy for the character if there were a clue here. And I cut just a little, the reference to something that isn’t there and doesn’t enlighten the reader because it’s so non-specific, i.e. what desires?)The serving girls, once eager to take his coin, now avoided him, busying themselves with other (snip) (Here’s where an opportunity to raise tension was missed. At this point, there’s not a very powerful “what happens next?” story question being raised. But a little later on, there’s a sentence I would replace this with. Here it is. . .)
Three rough-looking men rose from their places at the bar and turned his way. (For me, that’s a “what happens next?” question that will turn the page. David can draw out the tension before the anticipated confrontation with the serving girls and other good stuff, but I think adding the anticipation of jeopardy here will crank up the tension.)
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Your donations help cover the cost of hosting FtQ. Just click the button to chip in.
Public floggings available. If I can post it here,
Submitting to the Flogometer:
- Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2010 Ray Rhamey
Flogometer for Ana—would you turn the page?
Update. I have a post up about "voice" at Writer Unboxed that's kinda fun.
A new review of The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles is up on Vampires.com. Here’s a portion; I hope you’ll visit the site, it’s quite nice:
When I picked this book up I expected a cute children’s book, but instead got a perfectly executed adult novel that had many incredibly cute moments, mixed in with lots of bloody ones. Ray Rhamey’s quick wit and clever sense of humor is just what the vampire world of fiction needs. There were many times when this book made me laugh out loud, and let me tell you, very few books can manage that. Rhamey mastered what so many authors attempt but fail miserably at. If I were you I’d definitely pick up The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles.
BuzzBlast contest a-comin’. Prizes will include gear (t-shirts, mugs) from the world of Patch and signed copies of The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles. As soon as my store is up and the website complete, which should be within a week or so, I’ll launch a weekly buzz-builder contest to get you to help spread the word about my novel. No purchase necessary, and everybody will have a chance to win. Watch for it!
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.
Ana’s first 16 lines from her first try at a novel:
Another close oneLeo stood watching snowflakes dance in the darkness outside. He purposefully concentrated on the tiny specks of white to avoid looking at the reflection. Soft click of the door made him turn. An unassuming grey-suited man acknowledged his presence with a nod, before following his gaze towards a pool of finely shredded paper on the floor. Aircon fan hummed, occasionally lifting a few scraps of paper into the air. Those reminded Leo of tiny snowflakes and for a moment he thought that the body was covered with a light dusting of snow. The gray man walked towards the once Head of Natural Resources Committee, now lying face down in the pile, and checked his pulse.
‘The chief is dead,’ he looked around the room, taking in the shredded documents dumped on the floor, ‘You here alone?’
‘Yes. I called you straight away.’
‘You did right,’ the man studied Leo’s face, ‘Any thoughts?’
‘I don’t know. Harp—’
‘I say heart attack. I’ll do everything that needs to be done. You’re free to go.’
Leo nodded and hurried towards the door, straining not to look at the corpse.
‘Congressman Clark?’
The story questions were nearly enough to get me to turn the page, but there were craft issues that suggested to my cranky editor’s eye that the writing, while good, still needs work that the story questions weren’t powerful enough to overcome. Lots of promise, though. Notes:
Leo stood watching snowflakes dance in the darkness outside. He
purposefullyconcentrated on the tiny specks of white to avoid looking at the reflection. TheSoftclick of the office door made him turn. An unassuming grey-suited man acknowledged his presence with a nod before following his gaze towards a pool of finely shredded paper on the floor. The aircon fan hummed, occasionally liftinga fewscraps of paper into the air. Those reminded Leo oftinysnowflakes and for a moment he thought that the Senator’s body was covered with a light dusting of snow. The gray man walked towards the once Head of Natural Resources Committee, now lying face down in the pile, and checked his pulse. (The missing articles at the fronts of a couple of sentences made the narrative feel choppy to me, and threw off the rhythm of the sentences. I added “office” just to help set the scene a little better, and “Senator’s” because letting the reader know that an important government official lay there dead seems like a way to raise the stakes and tension. The line about avoiding the reflection doesn’t really work because the reader doesn’t know what’s in it that needs to be avoided. Changing it to something such as to avoid the body reflected by the glass or some such would help give it meaning. Also, suggesting that for a moment he thought the body was covered with snow doesn’t seem credible since he knows that it’s paper. To make it so, simply change it to something like for a moment it seemed as though. . .)‘The chief is dead,’ he looked around the room, taking in the shredded documents dumped on the floor, ‘You here alone?’
‘Yes. I called you straight away.’
‘You did right,’ the man studied Leo’s face, ‘Any thoughts?’
‘I don’t know. Harp—’
‘I say heart attack. I’ll do everything that needs to be done. You’re free to go.’
Leo nodded and hurried towards the door, straining not to look at the corpse.
‘Congressman Clark?’
Another suggestion. Trim down the long first paragraph if possible (I think the part about Head of Natural Resources Committee could wait until later) and add to the last sentence this from the next page, also said by the gray man:
Not a word of this. We’ll be in touch.’ The man got his phone, ‘I need a team of sweepers.”
I think that adds to the mystery and thus the tension. A good scene and a good start.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Your donations help cover the cost of hosting FtQ. Just click the button to chip in.
Public floggings available. If I can post it here,
Submitting to the Flogometer:
- Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2010 Ray Rhamey
Flogometer for Tricia—would you turn the page?
You never know what might offend, and I learned something from a review of The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles, and I want to mention it here because a number of Christrian writers visit FtQ. In the story Patch encounters a preacher who distorts Christianity and abuses the faith of his congregation in a cultish way. The intent is to satirize such venal, power-hungry people of any religion, and I did it by creating and then destroying a false prophet. But the reviewer took it as an attack on Christianity. That I would never do, and I regret upsetting her. Well, I also do a number on lawyers, TV news reporters, greedy businessmen, and politicians—equal offense for all. Somehow she missed that. The Chronicles not only offers humor, it spotlights, through exaggeration, some of the nasty behavior of members of our society.
A reader review I found this review on Amazon.com:
“Is this horror? Would you call The Munsters horror? Of course not. But it's cheesy, campy, and hilariously funny. There's even a Garth Marenghi feel in a few rare places.
Rhamey knows how to write a slick story that draws you in. I'm dying to read the next in the series.”
BuzzBlast contest a-comin’. Prizes will include gear (t-shirts, mugs) from the world of Patch and signed copies of The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles. As soon as my store is up and the website complete, which should be within a week or so, I’ll launch a weekly buzz-builder contest to get you to help spread the word about my novel. No purchase necessary, and everybody will have a chance to win. Watch for it!
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.
Tricia’s first 16 lines:
So closeJeremiah pulled away from the old woman who'd grabbed his arm. "I don't want to buy..."
"I'm not selling." She held out a pouch. "I saw a man cut the strap and slip it from your shoulder. You need to be more watchful."
Watchful? It was impossible with the streets so packed with people. Jeremiah searched the bag, relieved to find nothing missing. "This holds my future. How can I thank you?"
She smiled. "Consider yourself in my debt. Someday I may ask for something in return. And perhaps you'll be wanting this?" She held up her left hand. Around it was a tangled wad of filthy hair. "The thief got away. As you see, he lost something himself."
The old woman no longer looked so frail. "I guess you could give it to the magistrate," said Jeremiah. "He can find the thief if he wishes, but I don't have the money to hire a thief-sniffer." She nodded, and slipped into the crowd. Jeremiah pushed his way to the palace; he'd be in a lot of trouble if he were late.
Three guards stood at the gates. "Show me your invitation," one said. Jeremiah lifted his sleeve, revealing a knotted bracelet. The knots were a code letting the guards know who was invited and how important of a guest.
"Welcome to the feast." A guard stepped aside and let Jeremiah slip through the towering (snip)
The voice, the writing, the hints of an interesting fantasy world, all of those things made me want to turn the page. There was even a hint of bridging tension that could have been stronger. But in the last sentence in this excerpt is the clue that you’re in for a chapter of well-written throat-clearing. Tricia does an excellent job of introducing her world and a couple of fascinating characters, but the chapter doesn’t deliver on story. At the end of the chapter, nothing has happened to throw the protagonist’s life out of whack, to present him a challenge that creates a desire that he must, at all costs, satisfy. I really liked the writing and the world, and urge Tricia to start later in the story and fill in whatever is needed from this first chapter, weaving it in with conflict, jeopardy, and those other vital elements that make us want to know what happens next. In this excerpt, there’s no drama involved with an unsuccessful theft attempt and attending a dinner on time. Notes:
Jeremiah pulled away from the old woman who
who'dgrabbed his arm. "I don't want to buy...""I'm not selling." She held out
ahis pouch. "I saw a man cut the strap and slip it from your shoulder. You need to be more watchful." (For me, knowing that she’s handing him his pouch is much more meaningful, and it raises an immediate story question.)Watchful? It was impossible with the streets so packed with people. Jeremiah searched the bag, relieved to find nothing missing. "This holds my future. How can I thank you?"
She smiled. "Consider yourself in my debt. Someday I may ask for something in return. And perhaps you'll be wanting this?" She held up her left hand. Around it was a tangled wad of filthy hair. "The thief got away. As you see, he lost something himself." (I loved this paragraph. Characterizes the mysterious woman quickly and creates great interest in her.)
The old woman no longer looked so frail. "I guess you could give it to the magistrate," said Jeremiah. "He can find the thief if he wishes, but I don't have the money to hire a thief-sniffer." She nodded and slipped into the crowd. Jeremiah pushed his way to the palace; he'd be in a lot of trouble if he were late. (Missed chance to create tension here—“a lot of trouble” is vague, generic, and comparative. What is a “lot” of trouble to Jeremiah? Specifics create reality. Give us his knowledge of the consequences he will suffer [how about a beating by his master?] so we can care a little and his anxiety is motivated.)
Three guards stood at the gates. "Show me your invitation," one said. Jeremiah lifted his sleeve, revealing a knotted bracelet. The knots were a code letting the guards know who was invited and how important of a guest. (Now we’re slipping into overwriting and unnecessary exposition, in my opinion. Does it matter that there are three guards at the gate? Why not just something simple: A guard at the gate said, “Show me your invitation.” On the next page, we get into a detailed explanation of the knots and how the bracelet is made, but I could see no bearing on the story. In my view, the story could jump cut to inside the palace. Since he gets there anyway, the activity at the gate doesn’t contribute. You could go from the previous paragraph to the interior with a simple transition, something such as: Inside, fountains spouted scented water and musicians mixed magic with their music to deflect the outside noise.)
"Welcome to the feast." A guard stepped aside and let Jeremiah slip through the towering (snip)
You’re at a high level of writing, Tricia, all you have to do now is put it to work on creating a strong story hook. You can weave the world and character in while subjecting poor Jeremiah to trials and tribulations.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Public floggings available. If I can post it here,
Submitting to the Flogometer:
- Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2010 Ray Rhamey
Flogometer for Suzanne—would you turn the page?
A reader review I’ve received a couple of reader reviews of The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles from the e-ARCs I gave out. This reader preferred to remain anonymous.
"It sounds like a silly premise: cat turned into vampire - and it is. But it's silly in a good way. Patch narrowly escapes from one close call after another, all the while sharing snarky comments on the inherent inferiority of dogs, what makes a good cat associate (owner), and what it means to be a vampire (generally he's not thrilled about the idea).
"But just when you think that the story is all fluff (of the calico variety, of course), it throws in an occasional observation about civil rights, gay rights, animal rights, religious fanatics, sleazy lawyers, media manipulation, and small-minded tyrants. In other words, if you want a bit of depth to your humor, you can find it here, but if you don't, you can enjoy those one-liners."
BuzzBlast contest a-comin’. Prizes will include gear (t-shirts, mugs) from the world of Patch and signed copies of The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles. As soon as my store is up and the website complete, which should be within a week or so, I’ll launch a weekly buzz-builder contest to get you to help spread the word about my novel. No purchase necessary, and everybody will have a chance to win. Watch for it!
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.
Suzanne’s first 16 lines:
I turned the page, but . . .Alistair Foote owned the somewhat dubious distinction of having discovered a body. Not just any body, not something as mundane as a lifeless dog, for instance, but a genuine, one hundred percent dead person.
He regaled his traumatic discovery, embroidering it more at each telling, to his buddies down at the bowling ally. Impressed at first, they soon tired of hearing him tell it over and over to any newcomer who showed the slightest interest. They began to avoid him. Left off teams filled up before he arrived, he often found himself with no one to bowl with. But did he catch on? No. He continued to tell his grisly yarn at every possible opportunity. He’ll tell you, too, if you give him the slightest encouragement.
Alistair (almost everyone calls him Al, except his wife, who calls him Allie) always claims the first thing he did upon discovering the body was dial 911 on his cell phone. His wife disputes this, insisting that he told her first and she dialed 911, on his phone, which she had in her purse, since he always left it home next to his bed.
In any case, eventually the Leffler Police were called, Marybeth North, along with her new partner, Vicky Place, was dispatched to the scene where they found the two witnesses standing next to the victim, a dark-haired man who was about middle-aged, dressed in denims – (snip)
A very likable voice and a good story question—what happened?—got me to turn the page. There’s promise of a mystery told in a pleasing fashion. Yet I have a question for Suzanne—did you start with the right person in the right place? In the rest of the chapter, Alistair turns out to be a bit of a fool and doesn’t seem like he could possibly be the protagonist. He, and his wife, seem to merely be an amusing way to introduce the police officers and the mystery.
If that’s true, then spending the whole opening page on a throwaway character whose story this isn’t, despite the voice, seems like the wrong place to start. With this opening, we wonder what’s going to happen to Alistair as a result of his finding the body, but lack of bowling opportunities mentioned on page one seem to be it. Notes:
Alistair Foote owned the somewhat dubious distinction of having discovered a body. Not just any body, not something as mundane as a lifeless dog,
for instance,but a genuine, one-hundred-percent-dead person. (Very entertaining opening introduced with strong voice—entertainment is promised.)
He regaled his traumatic discovery, embroidering it more at each telling, to his buddies down at the bowling ally. Impressed at first, they soon tired of hearing him tell it over and over to any newcomer who showed the slightest interest. They began to avoid him. Left off teams filled up before he arrived, he often found himself with no one to bowl with. But did he catch on? No. He continued to tell his grisly yarn at every possible opportunity. He’ll tell you, too, if you give him the slightest encouragement.(And then we quickly lose steam as we hear about his troubles getting a bowling game instead of the dead body. Unless the novel continues with Al’s troubles with bowling, a novel that I don’t want to read, this detour to richly characterize a character who will not be seen again [I think] is not narrative that helps produce a compelling story, IMO.)
Alistair (almost everyone calls him Al, except his wife, who calls him Allie) always claims the first thing he did upon discovering the body was dial 911 on his cell phone. His wife disputes this, insisting that he told her first and she dialed 911, on his phone, which she had in her purse, since he always left it home next to his bed.(Also a fun bit of characterization, but is this necessary? Could we get on with the story?)In any case, eventually the Leffler Police were called, Marybeth North, along with her new partner, Vicky Place, was dispatched to the scene where they found the two witnesses standing next to the victim, a dark-haired,
man who was aboutmiddle-aged man dressed in denims – (At last, the story arrives.)(snip)
The writing promises fun, but the story . . .I urge Suzanne to apply her talents to engaging me in that right away. That’s a story (I think) that I’d be interested in turning pages to read.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Your donations help cover the cost of hosting FtQ. Just click the button to chip in.
Public floggings available. If I can post it here,
Submitting to the Flogometer:
- Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2010 Ray Rhamey
Flogometer for Colleen—would you turn the first page?
A new blurb is in. I’ve received the second endorsement for The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles. Aussie writer Sophie Masson, author of Snow, Fire, Sword , sent this:
“Funny, original and very adult, The Vampire Kitty-Cat Chronicles is like no other vampire novel you'll ever encounter. Narrated in the snappy tones of cat-about-town Patch, the undead feline, it’s sometimes gory, sometimes gruesome, sometimes gross, sometimes laugh-out-loud-funny, and often all four together.”
There’s a contest a-comin’. Prizes will include gear (t-shirts, mugs) from the world of Patch and signed copies of The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles. As soon as my store is up and the website complete, which should be within a week or so, I’ll launch a weekly buzz-builder contest to get you to help spread the word about my novel. No purchase necessary, and everybody will have a chance to win. Watch for it!
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.
A reminder As you judge the openings here, and your own work, here’s something to keep in mind. On her blog, agent Jenny Bent reports a conversation with an editor at a New York publisher about what makes a novel work. Here’s the meat:
“A novel should make the reader keep reading because it immediately poses a “what will happen next” question. So it should open with a bang, some sort of exciting happening that makes the reader go, “oh my gosh, what’s going to happen to resolve this?” There should actually be two questions, an internal one and an external one. Internal is: Does she get the guy? External is: Who killed John? Along the way, there are existential issues being explored: what is family? What is love? Etc.”
Colleen’s first 16 lines:
The voice was almost enoughCalvin peered at me from heavy-lidded eyes. His feet were up on his desk, legs crossed at the ankles. I was perched on the edge of my chair, trying not to twitch. A voice broke the silence.
“Hey, Cal. That one you just interviewed is a real live wire, huh. She whores part time at the airport.” My ears were burning. I didn’t know “whore” could be a verb.
The voice appeared in the doorway, a chubby man who looked startled to see me sitting there.
“Annie, I’d like you to meet my business partner John.” Calvin didn’t even seem embarrassed for him. “Annie is applying for our Oxford West location.”
“Nice to meetcha.” John said, extending a soft, pillowy hand. He eyeballed my chest while offering the perfunctory handshake, then strode out of the office. A boozy smell lingered.
“So,” Calvin glanced at my application, “I see you’re a university student. What are you studying?”
“English literature.”
He frowned. “What the hell good will that do you?”
I hadn’t been able to give myself a good answer to that question and now I was supposed to produce one on the spot for this lout? “Probably none,” I decided.
Keeping in mind the advice of the editor cited above, there just wasn’t a compelling story question raised by this otherwise interesting voice. And, by the time this short chapter (or prologue) was finished, there still hadn’t been. Basically, Annie gets a job that she says was the most interesting one she’d ever had. So?
Imagine if this good voice had been applied to a situation that impacted Annie in such a way that she had to do something to avoid a negative consequence. Then I think you’d have an opening. There are some craft nits, though—brief notes:
Calvin peered at me from heavy-lidded eyes
. Hishis feetwereup on his desk, legs crossed at the ankles. Iwasperched on the edge of my chair, trying not to twitch. A voice broke the silence. (Watch out for instances of the verb “to be” [was, were, are, etc.] that have a way of softening and slowing otherwise crisp narrative. Do a search and see if you can “activate” the to-be verbs you’ve used.)“Hey, Cal. That one you just interviewed is a real live wire, huh. She whores part time at the airport.” My ears
were burningburned. I didn’t know “whore” could be a verb.The voice appeared in the doorway, a chubby man who looked startled to see me
sittingthere.“Annie, I’d like you to meet my business partner John.” Calvin didn’t even seem embarrassed for him. “Annie is applying for our Oxford West location.”
“Nice to meetcha.” John said, extending a soft, pillowy hand. He eyeballed my chest while offering the perfunctory handshake, then strode out of the office. A boozy smell lingered. (I like “pillowy”—does a great job of characterizing and describing with just one word.)
“So.” Calvin glanced at my application, “I see you’re a university student. What are you studying?” (Calvin’s glance isn’t a dialogue tag, so I replaced the comma after “So” with a period.)
“English literature.”
He frowned. “What the hell good will that do you?”
I hadn’t been able to give myself a good answer to that question and now I was supposed to produce one on the spot for this lout? “Probably none,” I
decidedsaid. ("decided" isn't a dialogue description or tag. This would work as interior monologue without the quotes, but then she wouldn't be saying anything, which is the more interesting path. Here’s where that likable voice—and character—come through. Now, if only there were some tension to this scene . . .
Good writing, Colleen, and plenty of promise. Now just bring your storytelling (and editing) skills to bear.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Your donations help cover the cost of hosting FtQ. Just click the button to chip in.
Public floggings available. If I can post it here,
Submitting to the Flogometer:
- Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2010 Ray Rhamey
Flogging for Lynn—would you turn the first page?
The Year of Patch begins I’ve received my first blurb for The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles. It’s from Megan Chance, a marvelous historical fiction author—check out her novel, Prima Donna. She sent this:
"The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles is fun, action-packed and a bit irreverent, a story with a lovable hero and a lot of heart."
Her email included the following note which, as writers, you’ll understand that I found even more pleasing:
”I really loved how you managed to pull off the whole story from the POV of a cat who cannot speak, and yet you kept his interaction with his humans real and consistent without breaking POV. Very nice work!”
By the way, it’s now on Amazon.com (clicking the image should take
you to the page) and Barnes & Noble, and available for reviewing
and pre-order. It will be available for delivery February 1, which
should also include the launch of e-book formats. In terms of process,
I'm ready to finalize the copy-edited interior, and waiting for a
couple more blurbs before nailing down the cover.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.
Lynn mentioned that she’s new at this. Her first 16 lines:
The amber sun hung low over the cotton fields, reflecting off the taxi’s rearview mirror, blinding Lenore Hennessey who sat quietly in the back seat of the yellow cab. At twenty-four and a thin memory of her former self, Lenore appeared to be without hope. Nearly everyone she’d loved either left or died. Feeling as if she were Death’s prelude, Lenore found herself waiting in dreaded expectation for it to take the one person left who loved her.
Lowering her head to avoid the sun’s intensity, she continued folding and refolding the letter her recently deceased fiancé, Steven, had written only six months ago. Strange how she could endure so much pain and continue to breathe. But at least she found some consolation in her suffering. It was her only atonement for the survivor’s guilt. Now with each day that passed, the air became increasingly bitter; darker and heavier than the one before. Like a swelling tidal wave, she waited to crash, but the pain never crested and the sorrow continued its consumption. Death, a participant in every thought, wormed its way in, burrowing deep inside, shrouding her soul from the light. Waiting patiently, the parasite fed off Lenore’s fears, gaining strength before resurfacing to claim another victim, adding to her guilt.
She’d lost both parents, Sara Hennessey of an apparent overdose in the alley behind Starbucks, and Sam Hennessey disappeared before Lenore’s first birthday, leaving a void she (snip)
Keep working at it
The writing is clean and sound, but I had point-of-view and story issues. They continued on the following the pages, with the point of view wandering, omniscient-like, from Lenore to her sister and even into the head of a doctor. The “info-dumping” signaled here by the last paragraph also continued as the writer told us what she thought we needed to know, a common effort “new” novelists make. More after these notes:The amber sun hung low over the cotton fields, reflecting off the taxi’s rearview mirror, blinding Lenore Hennessey who sat quietly in the back seat of the yellow cab. At twenty-four and a thin memory of her former self, Lenore appeared to be without hope. Nearly everyone she’d loved either left or died. Feeling as if she were Death’s prelude, Lenore found herself waiting in dreaded expectation for it to take the one person left who loved her. (The first sentence starts nicely, then shifts into author/omniscient mode, an approach that I feel isn’t the best for delivering the experience of the character, which is (for me) the path to engaging a reader. We’re told that she appears to be without hope—wouldn’t it be better to get inside her mind and feel her despair? Not that I would want to do that for long, but if it were established and then something happens to change things, it would be a way to go.)
Lowering her head to avoid the sun’s intensity, she continued folding and refolding the letter her recently deceased fiancé, Steven, had written only six months ago. Strange how she could endure so much pain and continue to breathe. But at least she found some consolation in her suffering. It was her only atonement for the survivor’s guilt. Now with each day that passed, the air became increasingly bitter; darker and heavier than the one before. Like a swelling tidal wave, she waited to crash, but the pain never crested and the sorrow continued its consumption. Death, a participant in every thought, wormed its way in, burrowing deep inside, shrouding her soul from the light. Waiting patiently, the parasite fed off Lenore’s fears, gaining strength before resurfacing to claim another victim, adding to her guilt. (There are signs of strong writing here—I liked “Like a swelling tidal wave, she waited to crash. . .” Nice imagery. But then there’s the way the information on the fiancé was delivered so flatly. To weave information such as that, try something like: . . .refolding the letter her fiancé had written before he was murdered six months ago. That’s rough and quick, but I think an improvement over “her recently deceased fiancé.”)
She’d lost both parents, Sara Hennessey of an apparent overdose in the alley behind Starbucks, and Sam Hennessey disappeared before Lenore’s first birthday, leaving a void she (And here we dive into backstory, a sure momentum killer, especially in the opening of a novel.) (snip)
I urge Lynn to pick one character to focus on in this opening—the protagonist, and I didn’t know for sure who that was after going through the rest of the chapter—and sticking with her. Show the story as the character experiences and feels it, and raise some story questions. Lenore has been seeing visions of dead people and thinks she may be insane. We don’t know if they’re real or not, but that situation raises story questions. Where does he story really begin? What happens that forces her out of whatever mode she is currently in? I urge you to keep at it, Lynn. Try reading contemporary novels in the genre that yours falls into and see how they handle point of view, tension, and story questions. That could provide guidance. Of course, there’s always my book : ).
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Your donations help cover the cost of hosting FtQ. Just click the button to chip in.
Public floggings available. If I can post it here,
Submitting to the Flogometer:
- Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2010 Ray Rhamey
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