Win a free chapter edit Blee Bonn, on her blog, has a contest for which the first prize is a first-chapter edit by yours truly. You enter with the first and last lines of your opening chapter. And that's not the only prize, too. Contest deadline is December 28.
And now to our regularly scheduled flogging.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.
Brian has been to FtQ before, and last time we took a look at his prologue opening versus the first chapter opening. So we’ll do the same today. Here are Brian’s prologue’s first 16 lines:
And now for the first chapter opening.The Great Hall of Thunderhead Castle thronged with Wizards. Above them, colored banners and flags waved cheerfully from the ceiling and balconies in a Magical breeze. There was little of that cheer among those gathered there, though. What talk there was occurred in hushed whispers. This was a momentous occasion; no one wanted to miss even a moment.
Because Blight was to be banished.
The banishment was all but certain. A vote still needed be taken, but Huckabee Stonecraft couldn’t imagine Blight being reprieved. A very recent graduate of the Wizard College, Huckabee felt himself quiver with the excitement of being there. No Wizard had been banished in living memory; there were legends, only, of banishments in the distant past.
But Blight has done things that threaten everyone in the World, and the World itself, Huckabee reminded himself. Wizards have died from his actions.
He chafed at the wait, eagerly willing Grand Wizard Stormcloud to appear so the vote could begin. He relished the chance to be a part of history, but dreaded it as well. Sending a Wizard to where Magic doesn’t work.... He shivered. It seems like a fate worse than death.
Yet, the World selects so few of us to wield its Magic, and Blight has forsaken that gift.
Blight had to go.
“Astra! Time to go!” my mother called from the front porch. “We’ll be late for the Festival. And for goodness sake, brush your hair before we leave!”
Looking tidy was the last thing on my mind, but I pushed my mass of red hair back with a swipe of my hand. “Go on ahead, Mother!” I called back. “I’ll catch up after I finish with the Hearth.” I tried to keep the rising panic out of my voice, but Mother would have noticed if she’d been able to see me
-- being nervous really makes the freckles stand out against my pale skin.What I desperately needed to finish was coaxing the Hearthfire back to health. I’d been tending the family Hearthfire for six months, ever since I turned twelve on First of Summer, and I was proud of my success. But today, wrapped up as I was in the craziness of getting ready for the First of Winter Festival and Light Show, I had completely forgotten about it.
The Hearthfire hadn’t gone out...not quite...but it’s not like I could just go next door and borrow a cup of fire if it did die. That was banned under the World’s rules
-- no starting our own fires, or anything more mechanical than a wheel. We had to call for a Wizard any time a fire went out. Those were the rules, and had been since people first came to Amedia.I worked on the fire as quickly as I could...blowing on it, coaxing it, adding kindling, adding fuel...until it burned a bit more steadily. I had a queasy feeling it wouldn’t last ’til we got (snip)
I took a look at Brian’s first effort back in July and, for me, both beginnings were greatly improved over the previous drafts—just goes to show you what hard work can do.
These narratives now open with immediate scenes and involve us with characters right away. The prologue is a little more distant than I’d like it—if Huckabee is to be a character we meet again, I’d like to be closer to his point of view. If not, well, maybe we should be in another point of view. In the end of the prologue a female character is introduced who will probably be in the story later (if not the character introduced in the first chapter), and I wonder if the pov would have been better there.
The prologue opening is about important events, and the story questions raised were plenty good for getting me to turn the page. If Huckabee is to be a continuing character, I’d recast the first couple of paragraphs from within his point of view. For example, the first sentence could be something like this thoughtstarter: Not even at his class’s graduation ceremony from Wizard College six months before had Huckabee Stonecraft seen the Great Hall of Thunderhead Castle so thronged with Wizards.
While the chapter opening doesn’t have huge tension, it does have tension—and the girl’s fear of failure with the hearth fire involved me with her enough for me to want to see what happened next.
Good work, Brian.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,
Submitting to the Flogometer:
- Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2009 Ray Rhamey