Flogging the Quill

Flogging for Christine—would you turn the first page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Christine’s first 16 lines:

No new snow had fallen since morning, so the lion’s tracks were clearly visible in the lantern light as the farmer showed them to the four Rangers. It had paced back and forth in front of the barn door, searching for a way in. Deep scratches showed on the wood.

“These were made by a male. A large one,” said Faldur, the captain, stooping to examine the prints. He was as lean and cautious as the cats he pursued, with grey eyes deeply set beneath dark brows, and smoothly-weathered features that concealed his true age. With only thirty-five winters behind him, Faldur was one of the youngest captains ever commissioned in the Rangers, and that mainly for his skill in hunting the black mountain lions that the farmers called “nightstalkers.” They stayed up on the heights in warmer months, but in winter hunger drove them down into the foothills where the Hanorja dwelt. They preferred sheep or poultry, but would kill anything that got between them and their prey.

“It came out of the woods around suppertime,” said the farmer. “The dogs barked fit to wake the dead, and the dories were screaming and kicking the stalls. It gave up, but ‘twill be back. Good thing the sheep were in.” The loss of even a single ewe would be a heavy blow to him, for the fine, soft wool of Glenhym sheep was worth its weight in silver.

“Show me the rest of the tracks,” said Faldur.

Missing a key ingredient

This opening begins with a scene and good, clear writing. The world is clearly imagined, the scene is set, we know who the story is about—but, for me, there was no tension in this opening. The men are quite calm, they are in no danger, just discussing tracks in the snow. It does suggest that there might be jeopardy for Faldur or the farmer’s sheep in the future, but that’s not a certainty, nor is there any anxiety on the part of any characters. Christine wrote that she is more comfortable with the omniscient point of view, and that’s okay as long as it’s well done and the narrative raises story questions. When I think about it, I don’t see any compelling story questions here.

The writing is good, though, and I suspect a good story waits to be told—and started. One little nit and then an alternative opening taken from later in the chapter: the narrative says that the lions would kill anything that got between them and their prey—is that the only circumstance that they kill? I suspect not, and that meaning is not what is intended here.

Part of what Christine is trying to do here is to introduce her main character with an action scene that isn’t the main storyline, sort of like the opening sequence in the first Indiana Jones movie. I see it as a certain amount of throat-clearing. Yes, there’s world-building going on too, but that can, and should, be woven in with compelling story. Here’s an alternate taken from later in the chapter, Christine, I’ve trimmed it a lot and simplified it to enhance the action, but you’ll see where I’m going.

A soft hooting from Harth indicated that he had found the tracks. As Captain Faldur and his partner, Romer, moved into the ravine, a black shape bounded out of the trees. It was a monster nightstalker, a black lion with its head as high as Harth’s shoulder, snow splaying from beneath its huge paws as it ran.

Faldur yelled, “Jump left.” They dived just as it pounced, and it overshot them. Faldur loosed an arrow which lodged in the nightstalker’s shoulder as it turned to attack again, screaming a howl of pain and fury that rang in the frigid air. Faldur surged forward as the lion leaped at Harth, who was stringing an arrow even as he struggled to his feet. Romer regained his legs, raised his blade, and plunged it into the lion’s throat. It collapsed against Harth with a gurgling noise, knocking him sideways and trapping his legs under its body. Romer grabbed the back of the beast’s neck to haul it off.

Then Faldur heard a rustling noise. From the corner of his eye he saw a second nightstalker emerging right beside him. He shouted, “There are two!”

Faldur turned to face the nightstalker. This was too close -- unless he timed it just right and was able to use the beast’s own weight to impale it on his blade, he was dead. The lion’s ears were back, its yellow eyes fixed on his, its lips curled in a silent snarl. It landed neatly on the (snip)

Christine, you’ve got a cool world going here, but for me there was too much info-dump and backstory in the first chapter. I urge you to focus on movement, action, and characterization, weaving in world stuff along the way in small doses.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Your donations help cover the cost of hosting FtQ. Just click the button to chip in.

---

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Flogging for Dai—would you turn the first page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Dai’s first 16 lines:

The road fled through featureless beanfields of central Illinois, only phone poles and the occasional yard light—widespread on lonely farms—giving an illusion of movement through a wet black night.

Endless dark, she thought, trying to recall some poetry. Her life. Out of the night that covers me, black as the pit from pole to… My God!

She jerked the wheel.

The second time. A softer verge would have dragged them into the ditch—maybe end up plowing soybeans.

She craned her neck to see the back seat in the mirror. OK. At least Robbie hadn't sat up, poor kid. To take a six-year-old on a run like this… Not fair. But life wasn't fair, was it? And they had to get away from that horrid man—had to hide the child.

She longed for a rest area or even an all-night truckers' plaza, though the anonymity of a highway pull-off would be best. Couldn't afford an accident—the delay and maybe publicity, a police report.

That pig! Stalking her, spying on them. And then to come up to her bold as brass, hinting about his client. Offering fake sympathy and talking about helping. No worries over money—(snip)

I turned the page, but . . .

The immersion in an immediate scene with some kind of mysterious jeopardy attached, plus a child in danger, raised the story questions I needed to want to know more. But, for me, there were important things that weren’t clear—in particular, the relationship of this woman to the child. If this wasn’t supposed to be clear, fine—on the other hand, why leave it vague if it doesn’t need to be? Notes:

The road fled through featureless beanfields of central Illinois, only phone poles and the occasional yard light—widespread on lonely farms—giving an illusion of movement through a wet black night.

Endless dark, she thought, trying to recall some poetry. Her life. Out of the night that covers me, black as the pit from pole to… My God!

She jerked the wheel.

The second time. A softer verge would have dragged them into the ditch—maybe end up plowing soybeans.

She craned her neck to see the back seat in the mirror. OK. At least Robbie hadn't sat up, poor kid. To take a six-year-old on a run like this… Not fair. But life wasn't fair, was it? And they had to get away from that horrid man—had to hide the child. (First, a tiny bit more scene-setting would be nice, just to give a picture. Specifically, is the child asleep on the back seat? Have a blanket on him? Strapped in somehow? This was the paragraph that left me wondering about the relationship of the woman to the child. The first thing that raised questions was “a six-year-old.” While that can be a legitimate thought from a parent, it could have been more connected as in “her little boy, only six” or somesuch. More than that, the “hide the child” made me think that this woman was not the parent. Would a parent think of her child as the child? The rest of the pages made it seem that she might be, but it still wasn’t clear. If she is, then the emotional connection with the reader will be stronger if we know that for sure, and feel her feelings.)

She longed for a rest area or even an all-night truckers' plaza, though the anonymity of a highway pull-off would be best. Couldn't afford an accident—the delay and maybe publicity, a police report. (She’s fighting off sleep, I assume, but I think that it’s so much unsaid that it’s possible to miss it. I’d like a little something more direct, i.e. “longed for a rest area or even an all-night truckers’ plaza to close her eyes for a few minutes…etc.”)

That pig! Stalking her, spying on them. And then to come up to her bold as brass, hinting about his client. Offering fake sympathy and talking about helping. No worries over money—(snip)

As in the past, Dai’s writing is clear, with a crisp storytelling voice. Yet somehow I didn’t experience the anxiety this woman must be feeling if she’s truly afraid. I wish I could say why—maybe it’s because there are no consequences, that we know of, to her failing to escape. Still, I’d turn the page and keep reading to find out more.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Your donations help cover the cost of hosting FtQ. Just click the button to chip in.

---

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Thank you, Teri, for the tears in my eyes.

I waited far too long to read The Last Will of Moira Leahy by Therese Walsh. I should have read it early enough to tell you about it before Christmas so perhaps you’d buy it and share the treasure that I found there. But maybe it’s not too late—if you have any Christmas/holiday gift cash, it will be well invested in this novel.

Teri’s book touched me in ways that novels seldom do through the story of a woman who has . . . well, I won’t tell you a lot about it. Genrewise, it’s women’s fiction—however, as I sit here wiping my eyes, I’m thinking that’s a misnomer. How about “human being’s fiction?” There is a love story, but that most certainly isn’t what drives this tale. It also contains, quite naturally and effortlessly, elements of mystery and magical realism. The jacket flap says that it “. . .explores the intense bond of sisterhood as a grieving twin searches for her own identity in the ruins of her sister’s past.”

Since we focus here at FtQ on openings—and Teri submitted hers at one of my workshops long ago—here’s the opening page from The Last Will. In the tradition of FtQ, these are the first 16 lines as they would appear in a manuscript.

I lost my twin to a harsh November nine years ago. Ever since, I’ve felt the span of that month like no other, as if each of the calendar’s thirty perfect little squares split in two on the page. I wished they’d just disappear. Bring on winter. I had bags of rock salt, a shovel, and a strong back. I wasn’t afraid of ice and snow. November always lingered, though, crackling under the foot of my memory like dead leaves.

It was no wonder then that I gave in to impulse one November evening, left papers piled high on my desk and went to where I’d lost myself in the past with a friend. I thought I might evade memory for a while at the auction house, but I slammed into it anyhow. It was just November’s way.

Only this time, November surprised me.

I HAD to have it.

Just over a foot long, the wavy dagger looked ancient and as though it’d been carved from lava rock. The grooved base was a study in asymmetry, with one end swooping off in a jagged point and the other circling into itself like a tiny, self-protective tail or the crest of a wave. Gemstones filled a ring that bound metal to a cocked wood handle. Intricate engravings covered the silver sheath. If not for a small hole in the blade’s center, (snip)

Rather than plunging us into action with an immediate scene, Teri plunges us into a person, and does it with a singularly fetching voice—a phrase such as “crackling under the foot of my memory like dead leaves” promises a high level of narrative art, writing that will please your mind, and the book does not disappoint. Despite the lack of action or a scene in this opening, I feel that it nonetheless creates tension through the story questions it raises.

The story is told via two narratives that merge at the end to powerful effect. There is the present-day story of Maeve, the surviving twin, as that mysterious knife enters her life to eventually cut away the bonds that stifle her, bonds that she has created out of guilt and sorrow.

The second narrative is from the point of view of Moira, the twin of the title, and takes place in a series of scenes from childhood through to the tragic event that separates the sisters.

Since I knew from the start that something bad happened to Moira, but not what, I found that her narrative pulled at me in two ways—I wanted to read it because I wanted to know what happened, and I didn’t want to read it because I didn’t want it to happen. Her character, and that of her sister, were real to me, fully human, and a connection was most definitely there.

Which brings me to the pull of this story well told—I didn’t want to stop reading it. Once I let it get its hold on me, I could only put it down for the shortest period of time allowed by intervening events of life. There were times that the put-down moments lasted for only a few minutes, and they were caused by the narrative’s intensity reaching such a point in me that I needed to catch my mental breath before diving back in. This happened especially as the Moira side of the story grew closer and closer to the dark event that sunders their lives.

So, on this Christmas day, I’m thankful for the gift of story that my e-friend Therese Walsh (co-founder of the Writer Unboxed blog) has given me (and you, if you’re smart). I know I can’t wait until her next novel appears.

I won’t delay in reading that one. Nope, not a second.

Happy Holidays to all, and have a great writing new year. I know that I, for one, am inspired by the quality and caliber and sheer grace of Teri’s storytelling.

Ray

Flogging for Brian + contest to win free chapter edit

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Win a free chapter edit Blee Bonn, on her blog, has a contest for which the first prize is a first-chapter edit by yours truly. You enter with the first and last lines of your opening chapter. And that's not the only prize, too. Contest deadline is December 28.

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And now to our regularly scheduled flogging.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Brian has been to FtQ before, and last time we took a look at his prologue opening versus the first chapter opening. So we’ll do the same today. Here are Brian’s prologue’s first 16 lines:

The Great Hall of Thunderhead Castle thronged with Wizards. Above them, colored banners and flags waved cheerfully from the ceiling and balconies in a Magical breeze. There was little of that cheer among those gathered there, though. What talk there was occurred in hushed whispers. This was a momentous occasion; no one wanted to miss even a moment.

Because Blight was to be banished.

The banishment was all but certain. A vote still needed be taken, but Huckabee Stonecraft couldn’t imagine Blight being reprieved. A very recent graduate of the Wizard College, Huckabee felt himself quiver with the excitement of being there. No Wizard had been banished in living memory; there were legends, only, of banishments in the distant past.

But Blight has done things that threaten everyone in the World, and the World itself, Huckabee reminded himself. Wizards have died from his actions.

He chafed at the wait, eagerly willing Grand Wizard Stormcloud to appear so the vote could begin. He relished the chance to be a part of history, but dreaded it as well. Sending a Wizard to where Magic doesn’t work.... He shivered. It seems like a fate worse than death.

Yet, the World selects so few of us to wield its Magic, and Blight has forsaken that gift.

Blight had to go.

And now for the first chapter opening.

“Astra! Time to go!” my mother called from the front porch. “We’ll be late for the Festival. And for goodness sake, brush your hair before we leave!”

Looking tidy was the last thing on my mind, but I pushed my mass of red hair back with a swipe of my hand. “Go on ahead, Mother!” I called back. “I’ll catch up after I finish with the Hearth.” I tried to keep the rising panic out of my voice, but Mother would have noticed if she’d been able to see me -- being nervous really makes the freckles stand out against my pale skin.

What I desperately needed to finish was coaxing the Hearthfire back to health. I’d been tending the family Hearthfire for six months, ever since I turned twelve on First of Summer, and I was proud of my success. But today, wrapped up as I was in the craziness of getting ready for the First of Winter Festival and Light Show, I had completely forgotten about it.

The Hearthfire hadn’t gone out...not quite...but it’s not like I could just go next door and borrow a cup of fire if it did die. That was banned under the World’s rules -- no starting our own fires, or anything more mechanical than a wheel. We had to call for a Wizard any time a fire went out. Those were the rules, and had been since people first came to Amedia.

I worked on the fire as quickly as I could...blowing on it, coaxing it, adding kindling, adding fuel...until it burned a bit more steadily. I had a queasy feeling it wouldn’t last ’til we got (snip)

I took a look at Brian’s first effort back in July and, for me, both beginnings were greatly improved over the previous drafts—just goes to show you what hard work can do.

These narratives now open with immediate scenes and involve us with characters right away. The prologue is a little more distant than I’d like it—if Huckabee is to be a character we meet again, I’d like to be closer to his point of view. If not, well, maybe we should be in another point of view. In the end of the prologue a female character is introduced who will probably be in the story later (if not the character introduced in the first chapter), and I wonder if the pov would have been better there.

The prologue opening is about important events, and the story questions raised were plenty good for getting me to turn the page. If Huckabee is to be a continuing character, I’d recast the first couple of paragraphs from within his point of view. For example, the first sentence could be something like this thoughtstarter: Not even at his class’s graduation ceremony from Wizard College six months before had Huckabee Stonecraft seen the Great Hall of Thunderhead Castle so thronged with Wizards.

While the chapter opening doesn’t have huge tension, it does have tension—and the girl’s fear of failure with the hearth fire involved me with her enough for me to want to see what happened next.

Good work, Brian.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Your donations help cover the cost of hosting FtQ. Just click the button to chip in.

---

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Flogging for Helen + contest to win free chapter edit

I'm on the road on a holiday vacation trip, so posts may run a little later than usual, or not at all.

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Win a free chapter edit Blee Bonn, on her blog, has a contest for which the first prize is a first-chapter edit by yours truly. You enter with the first and last lines of your opening chapter. And that's not the only prize, too. Contest deadline is December 28.

---

And now to our regularly scheduled flogging.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Helen’s first 16 lines:

Sam lurched forward into empty space, punted from behind by a foot slamming hard into her back. She shrieked, arms pinwheeling frantically, hands grabbing air, body undulating in frantic contortions to stay upright. Her right foot slid off the damp top step. She grabbed back, one footed, snatching at anything to stop her fall. Splinters slid under fingernails that clawed uselessly at the heavy wooden door. A loud clunk echoed as the bolt slid home from the other side. Her weight bearing foot lost its hold, slipped off the edge of the stair, and she went down hard, bouncing from edge to corner down the whole ten feet to the bottom, landing in an awkward sprawl on the second step and the floor. Water seeped into her boot and the leg of her black linen pants.

“Gross.” Dots of light spun in her head.

“Ow.” She clumsily righted herself, wetting the other knee in the process, and crawled with shaky limbs to the third step. She sat gingerly and ran her hands over her arms and legs. No serious contusions, just a bit battered and disoriented.

“Shit.”

She shook her wet foot, drops of dirty water flinging off and spackling the slowly moving surface below her. A twinge zapped her lower back, and she palpated the spot with her fingers.

Nope
In her email, Helen says she has sent out queries and received either form rejections or nothing at all, and asks why. I see some reasons here. For example, it turns out that the character is in Venice, which would be a good scene-setting thing to have included that would have increased curiosity.

This does start with strong action—but it’s on the overwritten side to my eye. Too much language in the action-packed first paragraph that, for me, ended up slowing down a dramatic fall. And then the scene, instead of letting us in on what the story and/or the conflict is about, devolves into a detailed analysis of her condition. I have one other thought for Helen after these notes.

Sam lurched forward into empty space, punted from behind by a foot slamming hard into her back. She shrieked, arms pinwheeling frantically, hands grabbing air, body undulating in frantic contortions to stay upright. Her right foot slid off the damp top step. She grabbed back, one footed, snatching at anything to stop her fall. (In addition to eliminating adverbs and that complicated undulating image, I’ve added a paragraph break just to create some breathing room.)

Splinters slid under her fingernails that when she clawed uselessly at the heavy wooden door. A loud clunk echoed as the bolt slid home from the other side. Her weight bearing foot lost its hold, slipped off the edge of the stair, and she went down hard, bouncing from edge to corner down the whole ten feet to the bottom, landing in an awkward sprawl on the second step and the floor. Water seeped into her boot and the leg of her black linen pants.

Okay, let’s take a break here. It’s hard to see the effect of such massive cuts with all the editing in place, so here’s what this reads like trimmed down. See if you think it works better.

Sam lurched forward, punted from behind by a foot slamming hard into her back. She shrieked, arms pinwheeling, hands grabbing air. Her foot slid off the damp top step. She grabbed back, snatching at anything to stop her fall.

Splinters slid under her fingernails when she clawed at the heavy wooden door. Her foot lost its hold and she went down hard, bouncing down the ten feet to the bottom, landing in a sprawl on the second step and the floor. Water seeped into her boot.

Now for the rest of the opening:

“Gross.” Dots of light spun in her head.

“Ow.” She clumsily righted herself, wetting the other knee in the process, and crawled with shaky limbs to the third step. She sat gingerly and ran her hands over her arms and legs. No serious contusions, just a bit battered and disoriented. (The “no serious contusions” feels like telling. How could she really tell, this quickly after the fall and through her clothing, that there were no bruises (contusions) forming? Wouldn’t it be better if this sentence were more from within her experience, i.e. Nothing hurt, but her hands shook and she was glad she was sitting.)

“Shit.”

She shook her wet foot, drops of dirty water flinging off and spackling the slowly moving surface below her. A twinge zapped her lower back, and she palpated the spot with her fingers. (What’s the story? What was the conflict about? Where is she? This focus on her state of being doesn’t even really seem that natural to me—if I’d just gotten kicked down some stairs, I think I’d be thinking about the person who did it and why and what to do now.)

There were more clues as to why this material might not invite an agent’s interest, Helen. For example, there was this right at the end of the chapter:

Then she remembered. Her heart pounded and a wave of nausea washed over her. She slid her hand lower. Her fingers contacted a hard ridge just below her belt, tucked into the back of her pants. It was still there!

For my money, this withholds way too much that the reader should be in on. She remembered what? What is “it? You may be trying to tease the reader here, but I don’t think it works. What makes “it” so valuable to her, so much so that she feels nausea when she thinks it might be missing? If the reader has no idea of what it is and what it means to her, then there’s little emotional impact or connection to this passage.

Your task is to deliver the experience of the character. Let’s say you were kicked out of a house and fell down some steps and were in the “water floor” of a house in Venice. What would your first thoughts be when you stopped falling? Would it to be to check your arms and legs for bruises? Unless something hurt really badly, I don’t think so. You’d be thinking about what had just happened and what to do now, wouldn’t you? Keep thinking on this, there sounds like a good story is waiting to be revealed. The time to do it is now, on the first page and in the first chapter. This chapter ended with me knowing nothing about the story and nothing more about the character than what was on the first page.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

---

Your donations help cover the cost of hosting FtQ. Just click the button to chip in.

---

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES © 2009 Ray Rhamey

Flogging for Keith + win a chapter edit by me

Win a free chapter edit Blee Bonn, on her blog, has a contest for which the first prize is a first-chapter edit by yours truly. You enter with the first and last lines of your opening chapter. And that's not the only prize, too.

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Story Structure post I've a post on story structure up at Writer Unboxed that you might find helpful.

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Last call for e-review copy of The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles Email me by midnight PST tonight, the 18th, and I’ll email to you a PDF of the complete book.

---

And now to our regularly scheduled flogging.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Keith’s first 16 lines:

It is possible to wake up one morning and go to bed that same night without realizing that some innocuous event that day will change the course of your life and mark you forever. I had thought that life changing events were massively signposted along the way and accompanied by thunderclaps and lightning. But no, quite often, they are much smaller. A sudden thought, a phone call, spending a couple of minutes longer in one place than you intended. The point is that the event can never be pin pointed and the cynic would say if not now then later. The event passes like a breath or a touch, a ghost unseen. But the mark is left to begin its work. In some ways I will now start to contradict myself, but I do say this with the benefit of hindsight. Something I will return to much later. On this particular day, I seethed with anger as I walked down a busy street, Cockburn Street in fact. A street that always pissed me off anyway because it was so steep, but at least I was going downhill this time. The papers in my hand kept sliding apart and twisting out of my grip. Ten minutes before, I had walked out of his office. The old goat had sat opposite me and in the space of less than quarter of an hour had proceeded to rip apart the assignment I had spent two weeks putting together. He had sat opposite me, barely looking at the A4 sheets I had handed in a week before, whilst his bleating falsetto voice droned on.

‘Basically not enough research… half hearted effort…the main assumption used is the wrong (snip)

Not compelling
A reminder of the point of this exercise—making the first page irresistible, so intriguing through story and voice and tension and story questions that a reader is literally—yes, literally—forced to turn the page because they simply cannot turn away without reading more. A tough assignment, but if you achieve that, then you have a shot at getting the next page turned.

Here, the writing and voice are good, and the musing interesting—but, for me, not compelling. After one massive paragraph the narrative heads off into backstory, for me a sure momentum killer if the backstory is not about a riveting event. Here we have a person getting a negative reaction to a paper he’s written. Without any idea of the stakes involved, that wasn’t much of a motivator for me. If I had known, for example, that the character’s graduation, and thus his ability to marry the girl he loves, depended on this, maybe . . . But here we just have anger and, frankly, a bit of a whine. I’m not sure I like this character, and I didn’t feel like hearing more. More than that, I have no idea what the story is about.

The writing is quite clean and there were few nitpicks, so I won’t do an extensive analysis. Two things I noticed: life changing events should be life-changing events and pin pointed should be pinpointed.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

---

Your donations help cover the cost of hosting FtQ. Just click the button to chip in.

---

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Advance review offer for vampire kitty-cat & flogging Vaughn

UPDATE I've a post on story structure up at Writer Unboxed that you might find helpful.

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Here’s what other advance readers have said about the protagonist in The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles:

”Patch, the vampire kitty, totally grabbed me and has risen to the ranks of one of my all-time favorite heroes.”

“This is a cat I want to know. I love this character.”

“I wanted you to know that I adore Patch.”

Enjoy a fun holiday read for free:

Help create buzz for a lovable new character by reading a PDF review copy of Chronicles in return for writing a blog post or review in advance of publication on February 1, 2010.

While hoped for, favorable opinions are not required or requested, and there are no strings attached other than agreement to these two conditions:

1. You agree to write about the book and post it on your blog, website, or an appropriate forum (for those who don’t have a blog or website -- discussion boards or online booksellers such as Amazon.com or BarnesandNoble.com) in January before February 1, 2010. If you want to include a link to the website, vampirekittycat.com, it should be up and running by then.

2. You agree not to sell, distribute, redistribute, post on the Internet or otherwise pirate copies of the novel.

Extended deadline Please email me with your agreement to the above terms no later than midnight PST on Friday, December 18th and I’ll email to you a PDF of the complete book.

---

And now to our regularly scheduled flogging.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page?

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page? In a properly formatted novel manuscript, there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

---

Vaughn’s first 16 lines (prologue):

Most people would have held such a meeting in the dark corner of a bar. Duke LaCrosse was no such fool; how better to advertise a clandestine meeting than to have it in a clandestine manner. Instead, he and the other 5 men were sitting on a hilltop around a roaring fire, roasting several ducks they had just killed, and discussing treason.

“Is everything ready?” The duke asked the small man sitting across from him.

“Yes. The horseman has been paid off and understands his instructions.”

“How ironic, to use a horseman.” -- this from the man to the duke’s left.

“Yes,” replied the Duke. “And it provides us with a wonderful deniability if he is caught. Besides which a young male horseman is amazingly easy to hire… if you want a job done that requires staying on horseback for days at a time.”

“Why not just kill the boy?” put in the man to the duke’s right. The others stared at him.

“He is the Duke’s nephew!” ejaculated the man on the left.

“Yes” Replied the duke coldly. “Besides which the kidnapping of the child, which we will later produce evidence of the horseman’s involvement in, will produce both a ‘need’ for a regency and an excuse for our actions against the other ‘races’.”

“I don’t like it. It is a loose end. I don’t like loose ends.”

Didn’t get there for me

While it is a scene, and I like opening with those, and there is a small burst of conflict (though not sustained), and story questions raised, I didn’t move on. Perhaps I didn’t care about the intended victim, knowing nothing about him—maybe he needs to be kidnapped. And the purpose seems to be to tell me what’s going to happen. I’d much rather experience what’s going to happen; I’m not sure this prologue is necessary. Notes:

Most people would have held such a meeting in the dark corner of a bar. Duke LaCrosse was no such fool; how better to advertise a clandestine meeting than to have it in a clandestine manner. Instead, he and the other 5 five men were sitting on a hilltop around a roaring fire, roasting several ducks they had just killed, and discussing treason. (Even though distant and a little clunky, linguistically speaking, I liked this opening—it has attitude. I should mention that “several” is an abstract and gives no picture. I’d have liked something such as “two” much better.)

“Is everything ready?” The duke asked the small man sitting across from him. (We have a small man (small as compared to what?), and later a man on the duke’s left, and then a man on the duke’s right. In other words, vague forms that are there only to deliver information to the reader. While all characters serve that role, to be sure, I think fiction is much more lively when they aren’t cardboard. For me, this scene would have played much better if it were the Duke and a single other, distinctive person, his number one subordinate.)

“Yes. The horseman has been paid off and understands his instructions.”

“How ironic, to use a horseman.” -- this from the man to the duke’s left. (Unfortunately, since the reader has no idea what the man refers to, this “irony” is meaningless. If it had gone on to say something such as to use a horseman to kidnap a baby centaur, or something ironic, it would have had meaning. As it is, I think it’s a waste of space.)

“Yes,” replied the Duke said. “And it provides us with a wonderful deniability if he is caught. Besides which a young male horseman is amazingly easy to hire… if you want a job done that requires staying on horseback for days at a time.” (Somehow I just didn’t get a connection between a person being young making it easy to hire him for what is clearly an arduous task. I could connect being stupid with it, but not youth. Seems this is an artless way for the author to tell us that the kidnapping involves a long ride. Why not just go there instead of talking about it?)

“Why not just kill the boy?” put in the man to the duke’s right. The others stared at him.

“He is the Duke’s nephew!” ejaculated the man on the left. (You probably knew you were going to be called on “ejaculated.” It really is best to just use “said” most of the time. While this use of “ejaculated” is appropriate, it seems to me that just about every adult will add the sexual connotation, and that muddies the meaning.)

“Yes” Replied the duke coldly. “Besides which the kidnapping of the child, in which we will later produce evidence of the horseman’s involvement in, will produce both a ‘need’ for a regency and an excuse for our actions against the other ‘races’.” (As readers of FtQ know, I’m not a fan of trying to use adverbs to tell a description instead of strong verbs or actual description to show it. This is heavy-duty “telling.” Wouldn’t it be better to have started with the kidnapping and let this play out?)

“I don’t like it. It is a loose end. I don’t like loose ends.” (The antecedent for “it” is unclear. I’m guessing it refers to leaving the boy alive, but that topic is paragraphs ago. It wouldn’t hurt to be specific.)

This prologue feels very “rough draft” to me, with not a lot of work put into setting the scene and creating a drama. It is all talk that tells, not shows. And it tells stuff that these henchmen should already know, so why are they talking about it? I’d much rather have started with a sweet child being ripped from his safe life and terrified as the horseman carries him into the unknown, fearing for his life.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

---

Your donations help cover the cost of hosting FtQ. Just click the button to chip in.

---

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include permission to post it on FtQ.

Advance review offer for vampire kitty-cat + flogging for Luca

A fun read for free: e-ARCs of The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

I’m so excited! Today (Dec. 14) the printed ARCS (advance review copies) of The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles are scheduled to arrive. I’m mailing copies to:

• 8 extremely generous published authors for blurbs
• 5 vampire websites for reviews
• 3 ad agencies with cat food clients to sell ad space
• the makers of Vampire Wine (yes, there really is one)

But that’s just the beginning.

How about you taking part in building a little buzz?

Inspired by author Lynn Vielh’s experiment with offering electronic advance review copies for a novel, I’d like to offer FtQ readers and bloggers an “e-ARC” of Chronicles in return for writing a blog post or review about it in advance of the publication date of February 1, 2010.

While hoped for, favorable opinions are not required or requested, and there are no strings attached other than agreement to these two conditions:

1. Everyone who receives the e-ARC agrees to write about the book and post it on your blog, website, or an appropriate forum (for those who don’t have a blog or website -- discussion boards or online booksellers such as Amazon.com or BarnesandNoble.com) in January before February 1, 2010. If you want to include a link to the website, vampirekittycat.com, it should be up and running by then.

2. Everyone who receives the e-arc agrees not to sell, distribute, redistribute, post on the Internet or otherwise pirate copies of the novel.

Deadline Please email me with your agreement to the above terms no later than midnight PST on December 15th and I’ll email to you a PDF of the complete book -- and I might be able to send it formatted for various e-readers, so tell me if you would prefer that format and I'll see what I can do.

To whet your appetite, I offer this:

The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles upends vampire mythology when a starving vampire turns Patch, a calico tomcat, into breakfast—and the world’s first vampire cat.

As Patch struggles to find a new life, as it were, he tells his tale with a deliciously snarky cat take on the world.

He discovers that life isn’t any easier after you’re dead—he's almost skewered with a stake by a mob, tried for murder, just about shotgunned into undead pieces, and comes seconds from being fried by the sun.

Oh, yeah, and turned into a (shudder) politician.

On the other paw, he does hook up with a sweet Siamese, and it looks like he's on the way to winning that election . . .

If you do this, I would greatly appreciate an email from you with a link to what you post. Thanks. Will all this work? Stay tuned.

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And now to our regularly scheduled flogging.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

---

Luca’s first 16 lines:

An old knight approached the dark city of Kalgir. Blown in from the eastern side, he rode hunched over the reins of what once might have been a mighty charger, but whose coat had now lost a lot of its sheen, and whose step had lost some of its fervour. Rain lashed the pair, thrumming against the knight’s tarnished breastplate and round helm. Thunder crashed overhead. A grubby grey cloak, heavy with water, dragged at the knight’s shoulders and moulded him to the charger’s rump.

All in all, the knight and his mount appeared unspectacular: grey and worn and thoroughly beaten down by the great open world, the weather, and time. So as they approached Kalgir, no one of any import took much note–for there are sleepless, bodiless eyes peering out from Kalgir’s towers and spires on behalf of shadowy masters. He was perhaps a Sir, or perhaps a mercenary, or perhaps a lunatic to be braving such horrendous weather in the middle of the night; but none of these things were likely to much alter the deadly games being played in Kalgir’s streets and palaces at that very moment.

The old knight, who travelled under the name of Unther, approached on the Eastern High Road, the road of wealth and trade that linked Kalgir with much of the more civilized parts of the world, and so approached the city’s major eastern gate. The Silver Gate, (snip)

Voice and story question sucked me in

While not compelling in terms of action or even initial tension, and despite the promise of a leisurely storytelling style that I’m not always in the mood for, the writing and the hints of malevolence waiting in the city moved me forward. Yes, I prefer an immediate scene (this is that) in a close third-person point of view (this is omniscient, though it soon slips into the knight’s pov), but writing like “moulded him to the charger’s rump” also promised a level of reading fun. The down-playing of the character’s abilities also suggests that he’s capable of much more, and so is an interesting character to me (also an, er, mature warrior).

There really aren’t much in the way of nits to pick on with writing as polished as this. I can tell you that the story continues in the same fashion, taking its time with writing that rolls off the tongue. I can also say that I wish the first chapter had hinted more at what jeopardy lay ahead, and had introduced the inciting incident that marks the change in Unther’s life. One more thing, Luca—you have rain thrumming the night, but you also have a guard seeing old blood on his boot. That doesn’t seem credible, seeing as how blood is quite water soluble and a serious rain ought to have washed it away.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

---

Your donations help cover the cost of hosting FtQ. Just click the button to chip in.

---

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Susan--would you turn the page?

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Some laughs While rejection slips are never fun, it’s possible to have some fun with them, as does the Editorial Anonymous blog when it gives you the secret interpretations of form rejections. Check it out.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

By the way. . .The critiques I do here on FtQ are “one-pass” critiques—one reading of the sample, and then thoughts and notes. For actual editing, it’s at least two readings and a much deeper analysis and annotation.

---

Susan is back with a rewrite of the opening of her memoir. Her first 16 lines:

I came out of the early morning San Francisco fog and entered my office, throwing my keys and purse on the desk that took up most of the room. Although I was the first to arrive at work, I still pushed the door closed. My red satin Chinese jacket, a gift from my sisters-in-law in central China, caught on the coarse synthetic upholstery of my desk chair.

My fingers shook as I punched in my parents’ number in Chicago. I rarely dialed long distance on my office phone, but would be long gone by the time my boss received the bill. I glanced at the photos tacked to my bulletin board of Liu and me holding hands in Hong Kong Park surrounded by purple and white azaleas and of us with Jake in his stroller lingering under a trellis of fuchsia bougainvillea in Berkeley. As I looked away, toward the small frosted window, I prayed my parents hadn’t left the house yet. One ring, then two. On the third, my mother answered.

“Hello?”

“Mom?”

“Susan,” she said, surprised to hear from me this early.

“Mom,” I sobbed. “I’m coming home.” Tears flowed from my eyes like water on the Yangtze River.

Worked for me

The writing is good, although I have some suggestions for perhaps making it stronger, and the story question raised by a character who is in distress was good enough—why is she crying, and what will happen to her? For me, this immediate scene is a big improvement over the original opening—I’m involved right away with the character. However, there was a little shift in point of view and some excess verbiage. Notes:

I came out of the early morning San Francisco fog and entered my office, throwing my keys and purse on the desk that took up most of the room. Although I was the first to arrive at work, I still pushed the door closed. My red satin Chinese jacket, a gift from my sisters-in-law in central China, caught on the coarse synthetic upholstery of my desk chair. (The part about the desk taking up most of the room took me briefly out of the story because of a lack of clarity -- does it take up most of the room because it's a small room, or because her desk is enormous? This could be much clearer.)

My fingers shook as I punched in my parents’ number in Chicago. I rarely dialed long distance on my office phone, but would be long gone by the time my boss received the bill. I glanced at the photos tacked to my bulletin board of Liu and me holding hands in Hong Kong Park surrounded by purple and white azaleas and of us with Jake in his stroller lingering under a trellis of fuchsia bougainvillea in Berkeley. As I looked away, toward the small frosted window, I prayed my parents hadn’t left the house yet. One ring, then two. On the third, my mother answered. (I see a little excess baggage here, slowing the narrative. It really isn’t important that we know how often she uses the office phone for long distance, though the part about “long gone” was a good story element. On the other hand, we’ll learn about that soon enough. The second cut was also something that seems unnecessary, and I didn’t understand the part about a small frosted window. She’s in an office, not a bathroom, so why frosted?)

“Hello?”

“Mom?” (While true to life, this is a real waste of narrative time, and of two vital first-page lines. You can cut from the ringing to the next sentence, which I’ve modified just a little to do that.

“Susan?” she said, My mother sounded surprised to hear from me this early. (She couldn’t know if her mother was surprised or not, though she would know her voice well enough to understand that she sounded surprised—this is the little shift in point of view. Note how smoothly we go from the phone ringing right into the conversation. This makes the pace crisper, and enables more story to be on the first page.)

“Mom,” I sobbed. “I’m coming home.” Tears flowed from my eyes like water on the Yangtze River.

With the “savings” from the cuts, it might be possible to get this powerful line from later in the narrative on the first page, which I think would greatly enhance the power of this narrative if the last sentence above when on to say this:

. . .on the Yangtze River, but I was finished being a dutiful wife and daughter-in-law. It was time to get my son to the safety of my family in Chicago.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

---

Your donations help cover the cost of hosting FtQ. Just click the button to chip in.

---

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Silvia--would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

By the way. . .The critiques I do here on FtQ are “one-pass” critiques—one reading of the sample, and then thoughts and notes. For actual editing, it’s at least two readings and a much deeper analysis and annotation.

---

Silvia’s first 16 lines:

Lia lay awake staring at the night shadows when the call came.

She concentrated on the wind, battering her bedroom window. Middle of the night calls never brought good news. She should turn over, pull the covers over her head and go to sleep but she’d been waiting.

Felling her way in the dark, she yanked the receiver. "Northport Times. This is–"

She coughed away the rest of the words. What was she doing? Since the office reopened the Bell file, home and office blurred into one place with cut-off dates, printing deadlines and ringing phones replacing any sense of normal life.

"Hello."

There was a panting then she heard the gruff voice. "We need to meet and talk about Donald Bell."

Her anonymous informant was back. And he didn't seem to care about remaining faceless any longer. "You have the tape, Gun?"

"Yes. In exchange for a delay in your article.”

"I’m not blowing another deadline. I don’t know why you picked me for this scoop but your way of doing business fells more like a set up than a legitimate case."

Yes . . . but no

The story questions are there (and there’s an even better one three lines away), but the technical errors were discouraging. I like the way Silvia started in media res with an immediate scene, although there’s a little throat-clearing that I’ll suggest cutting in order to get some dramatic lines on the first page.

But grammatical errors—misspelling, comma faults, etc.—will discourage an agent or editor. Probably the best thing to do is write the story to the best of your ability and then hire a copyeditor, or find an astute English major, to work on the grammar. Notes:

Lia lay awake, staring at the night shadows, when the call came.

She concentrated on the wind, battering her bedroom window. Middle-of-the-night calls never brought good news. She should turn over, pull the covers over her head and go to sleep—but she’d been waiting.

Felling Feeling her way in the dark, she yanked the receiver. "Northport Times. This is Lia." (I’d either look for a verb other than “yanked,” such as “grabbed,” or complete the action, i.e. “yanked the receiver to her ear.” It felt incomplete to me.)

She coughed away the rest of the words. What was she doing? Since the office reopened the Bell file, home and office blurred into one place with cut-off dates, printing deadlines and ringing phones replacing any sense of normal life.

"Hello." (Devoting an entire line to a character saying “Hello” is not a great use of these valuable first 16 lines.)

There was a Panting, and then she heard the his gruff voice. "We need to meet and talk about Donald Bell." (Using the pronoun "his" here tells us that she knows the voice.

Her anonymous informant was back. And he didn't seem to care about remaining faceless any longer. "You have the tape, Gun?"

"Yes. In exchange for a delay in your article.”

"I’m not blowing another deadline. I don’t know why you picked me for this scoop, but your way of doing business fells feels more like a set-up than a legitimate case."

The material that I’ve cut out, which seemed unnecessary to me, would allow the addition of these three strong lines to the first page:

“I have what you want. You’ll be sorry if I go elsewhere.”

“Then tell me all about Donald Bell now.”

“He’s about to commit suicide.”

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

---

Your donations help cover the cost of hosting FtQ. Just click the button to chip in.

---

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey