The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.
By the way. . .The critiques I do here on FtQ are “one-pass”
critiques—one reading of the sample, and then thoughts and notes. For
actual editing, it’s at least two readings and a much deeper analysis
and annotation.
Donna sent a tiny prologue and the first chapter. Here are the first 16 lines of the combined pieces:
Didn’t hook mePrologueSunlight found a nearly imperceptible slit in the tightly drawn sheath of the dark drapes and came to rest on Withers’ open eyes. With great effort, he turned his back to the window and stared into the blackness that receded into the room.
“Shit,” he said aloud, “I’m still alive.”
Chapter 1Dottie Lee Davis bolted through the door, shot across the platform and up two flights of narrow concrete stairs as if ejected by a blast from the subway’s air brakes. Her breath was an asthmatic wheeze by the time she reached the street. Slowing to a trot, she cursed the fifty extra pounds she carried and everyone back home who had taught her how to cook, and even better how to love, the meals that put them there. As a nurse she knew better, but as a girl raised in the south, she could never resist the taste of home.
By the time she reached Park Avenue, her eyes were tearing from the cold, making it hard to read the house numbers. “Five-eighty, five-eighty,” she repeated, hoping time had stopped long enough to keep her from being late. She passed the building twice before realizing it. How could she have missed it? It was the only single residence amongst the posh aeries for the rich and famous. The entrance was arrogantly placed at the intersection of Park Avenue and 64th street as if to claim both desirable streets as its own impressive address. The building was an (snip)
The voice is nice, and the tiny prologue moved me to the first page of the chapter, but there the tension ended. The story question in the prologue was a good one—why is this man unhappy that he’s alive? But then we leave him for a nurse who is late for work, and a trudge of description of a building slowed pace to a halt—the description of the building went on for another seven lines. While it all served to characterize the environment, it did little to create a story. Notes:
PrologueSunlight found a
nearly imperceptibleslit in thetightly drawnsheath ofthedark drapes and came to rest on Withers’ open eyes. With great effort, he turned his back to the window and stared into the blackness that receded into the room. (Too many adverbs for me, and a bit overwritten for my taste, including how the “blackness recedes” into the room. How does blackness recede?)“Shit,” he said aloud, “I’m still alive.” (I thought this was a terrific line. Made me want more. For my money, if this is to be a major character in the story, I’d like to have stayed with him a little longer if there are strong story elements that could come out.)
Chapter 1Dottie Lee Davis bolted through the door, shot across the platform and up two flights of narrow concrete stairs as if ejected by a blast from the subway’s air brakes. Her breath was an asthmatic wheeze by the time she reached the street. Slowing to a trot, she cursed the fifty extra pounds she carried and everyone back home who had taught her how to cook
, and even better how to love,the meals that put them there. As a nurse she knew better, but as a girl raised in the Southsouth, she could never resist the taste of home. (I love food to well, and wasn’t taught to do so. That phrase seemed superfluous.)By the time she reached Park Avenue, her eyes were tearing from the cold, making it hard to read the house numbers. “Five-eighty, five-eighty,” she repeated, hoping time had stopped long enough to keep her from being late. She passed the building twice before realizing it. How could she have missed it? It was the only single residence amongst the posh aeries for the rich and famous. The entrance was arrogantly placed at the intersection of Park Avenue and 64th street as if to claim both desirable streets as its own impressive address. The building was an (snip) You had me through time stopping long enough to keep her from being late. Nicely done, the voice is appealing. But then we get into description of the building exterior, which goes on and on
-- you let us know how rich the place once she's inside, and I think that many readers will associate "Park Avenue" with wealth, if only from their Monopoly game. Now is the time to let the reader know what the stakes are, what the consequences are if she is late. Hopefully, it’s something very serious. We kinda like a person who is overweight and regrets it—so far, so good—but what’s the story about? What does she NEED to happen that could be destroyed by being late? Hook us with story at this point.
In the rest of the chapter, Donna, I found similar mixes of good stuff with too-much-stuff. And it ended without me having any idea of what this story was about.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,
Submitting to the Flogometer:
- Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2009 Ray Rhamey