Flogging the Quill

Flogometer for Susan. Would you turn the page?

	March 6, 2009
		Flogometer for Susan. Would you turn the page? My book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells, is now available for pre-order at Amazon.com. I should be printing and shipping within in about 3 weeks, and early orders will be tremendously helpful. The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here. What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below. Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative. This is the prologue for a memoir. Susan’s first 16 lines: Silhouetted by a red banner espousing a better tomorrow, I waited in front of Shanghai Railway Station as my husband of three months sauntered off to an outside ticket window, skillfully dodging the growing crowds. The midmorning sun tried to peek through the thick haze that covered China’s largest city—and most of China for that matter—but to no avail. Despite the pervasive fumes from a nearby sewer and the exhaust from dozens of taxis queuing up in front of the station, I felt excitement—and relief—for the first time in weeks. Liu and I had arrived in Shanghai by boat the previous evening from Wuhan, the largest city in his home province of Hubei. From Shanghai we were catching the train to Suzhou, where Liu was to conduct fieldwork in Taoist music. Our journey so far had been challenging. To get from Wuhan to Shanghai, we had sailed down the Yangzi River for two days on a passenger cruiser filled to the rails with more than five hundred people. Liu booked passage for us in second class—the highest class in passenger travel in 1995, as the concept of first class was still taboo in China then—which consisted of two dozen berths, each with two beds, and two Western-style toilets to be shared by all second-class passengers. But when these toilets quickly clogged up the first evening after some passengers tried to flush down paper towels and plastic bags, we were relegated to the trough-like restrooms in steerage. Didn’t compel me I claim no expertise in the memoir form, but it seems to me that the narrative still needs to be compelling, to hook you with the person and their experience. While very nicely written, there isn’t enough narrative tension for me. I’m not all that curious about what happens next in what reads like an uneventful journey. Later, we lean that this is an American wife to a Chinese man—but there’s no hint of that here. Later we learn that, for a reason she does not reveal, he turns from warm and loving to cold and harsh, and she feels lost, alone, and that her 6-month marriage is in jeopardy. But there’s none of that here. If the writer could foreshadow troubles ahead, perhaps that would do it. For my money, I’d take a look at starting the story later, at the point when trouble surfaces. Comments, anyone? For what it’s worth. Ray Tips & Subscriptions Your generosity helps defray the cost of hosting FtQ. Public floggings available. If I can post it here, send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission. ARCHIVES © 2009 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Scott. Would you turn the page?

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My book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells, is now available for pre-order at Amazon.com. I should be printing and shipping within in about 3 weeks, and early orders will be tremendously helpful.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Scott’s first 16 lines:

A scarlet Alfa Romeo sped north along the A1 in the fading daylight of a Tuscan winter’s evening. Behind the wheel Nicola Russo sat in silence, racking her brain for a way out of the predicament she now found herself in. A glance at the rearview mirror revealed a sea of headlights snaking through the valley. Plenty of people, she thought, but how do I draw their attention?

Desperation took hold, and Russo’s mind wandered beyond its normal boundaries as such luxuries as logic and reason faded away. An accident would do the trick, she mused. The sight of a red sports car colliding with a concrete overpass abutment would no doubt draw plenty of interest from all who witnessed it. It would be no accident, but that was beside the point. Salvation was sure to follow, if only she survived the collision.

Russo contemplated the grim consequences of her scheme, and reluctantly decided against it. Her little sedan would be shredded by such an impact, instantly transformed into a twisted heap of bent steel and shattered glass. While she would gladly sacrifice the car, she was convinced that a similar fate waited for all inside the vehicle. She was distressed, not suicidal. Russo would have to find another way to dispatch her uninvited guest.

Before she had the chance to consider alternatives allowing her to keep possession of all her limbs Russo’s lips curled into the hint of a smile. Something off in the distance caught her (snip)

Didn’t hook this reader
What stopped me was what I see as overwriting. This could be dramatic—a driver speeding down the road, her passenger holding a gun on her (I know, you didn’t see that part, which is the point). She thinks she’s in a predicament, but we have no idea what. We don’t know the level of peril, if there is any, although her thoughts of crashing suggest something bad is happening. But why is the reader kept distant? My notes below will entail a considerable amount of cutting, though the result is not necessarily a recommended result; there might be some flesh that needs to be added.

A Nicola Russo sped scarlet Alfa Romeo sped north along the A1 in the fading daylight of a Tuscan winter’s evening. Behind the wheel Nicola Russo sat in silence, racking her brain for a way out of the predicament she now found herself in. A glance at the rearview mirror revealed a sea of headlights snaking through the valley in the Tuscan winter evening. Plenty of people, she thought, but how do I draw their attention? (The first sentence was distant; why not put her in the driver’s seat? “Racking her brain” is a cliché, look for something more like her experience—is she struggling, for example, to escape her kidnapper (which would be more tension-producing than “a way out” of “a predicament”)?)

Desperation took hold, and Russo’s mind wandered beyond its normal boundaries as such luxuries as logic and reason faded away. An accident would do the trick she mused. The sight of a red sports car her red Alpha Romeo colliding with a concrete overpass abutment would no doubt draw plenty of interest from all who witnessed it. It would be no accident, but that was beside the point. Salvation was sure to follow, if only she survived the collision.

Russo contemplated the grim consequences of her scheme, and reluctantly decided against it. Her little sedan would be shredded by such an impact, instantly transformed into a twisted heap of bent steel and shattered glass. While she would gladly sacrifice the car, she was convinced that a similar fate waited for all inside the vehicle. She was distressed, not suicidal. Russo would have to find another way to dispatch her uninvited guest.

Before she had the chance to consider alternatives allowing her to keep possession of all her limbs Russo’s lips curled into the hint of a smile. Something off in the distance caught her (snip) (Why the vague “something?” Why not show the reader what she sees right now? I think it’s important to keep the reader in the moment, and vagueness and generalities can’t to that.)

Here, just to show the difference without all the edits, is the resulting revision, including the thought-starter from the first paragraph.

Nicola Russo sped north along the A1, struggling to think of a way to escape her kidnapper. A glance at the rearview mirror revealed a sea of headlights snaking through the valley in the Tuscan winter evening. Plenty of people, but how could she draw their attention?

An accident would do the trick. The sight of her scarlet Alfa Romeo colliding with a concrete overpass abutment would draw plenty of interest. Salvation was sure to follow, if only she survived the collision.

But her little sedan would be transformed into a twisted heap of bent steel and shattered glass. While she would gladly sacrifice the car, she wasn’t suicidal. Russo would have to find another way to dispatch her uninvited guest.

Russo’s lips curled into the hint of a smile. Behind her, blue roof-mounted lights flashed from police cars.

This amounts to 12 manuscript lines, so there are 4 more with which to hook the reader. Scott, it might help to do a couple of things: read your work out loud, which could give you a sense of where the language is braking the momentum, and to really put yourself in the character’s head and try to experience what she’s feeling and thinking. In this kind of fraught situation, is her anxiety best represented by this languid sentence: “Desperation took hold, and Russo’s mind wandered beyond its normal boundaries as such luxuries as logic and reason faded away.” My mind wouldn't be wandering, it would be flashing and darting at high speed.

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Tips & Subscriptions Your generosity helps defray the cost of hosting FtQ.

---

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Cynthia. Would you turn the page?

---

My book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells, is now available for pre-order at Amazon.com. I should be printing and shipping within in about 3 weeks, and early orders will be tremendously helpful.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

---

Cynthia’s 16 lines:

The closing of another season was upon them.

It was the death of summer…what the People called the Mother’s Dance. A time of cold, blustery days and the occasional coastal storm, both heralds of the coming Dance of the Crone: winter. One such storm had roared through the prosperous town of Sisafer the previous night, leaving in its wake a tangle of twisted trees and smashed fishing boats. Nets were discovered strung across neighbors’ rooftops, and livestock had to be searched out from hiding places among the scrubby inland cliffs and caves. Much of what should have been a day of preparation for the coming festivities was spent instead in repairs, cleaning, and the whispered suggestions of omens.

Just another autumn day on the Blessed Coast.

The water at the beachfront was cold and churning; it swirled over the jagged rocks and sucked at the bare legs of the two walkers as if determined to wrest them by force into the tidal pools. Even the sky seemed certain that the Goddess’ anger had yet to abate with the rain and winds; it settled instead into a lowering brood. Sunrise had been eclipsed by stubborn clouds and the wind still tugged them across Father Sun’s face in ragged streamers long after His ascension into the eastern sky.

‘Foul time for a stroll,’ one of the walkers complained. The gusting breezes muffled his (snip)

Despite the writing, no go
The lyrical writing and strong, confident voice were tempting, but a couple of things stopped me. One was the distance between me and the people here. They’ re just “walkers.” On page two they have names, so why not here? The second reason was a lack of tension. While the description is well done and evocative, I began wondering if the story could continue in this too-leisurely-for-me vein, and wasn’t that interested in that kind of story. Admittedly, on another day I might have turned the page, and I’m sure others will find this worthy of a page turn, but that’s the subjective nature of this business.

Sure enough, if I’d been patient (but it’s important that I wasn’t), a couple of pages later was this:

‘I’ve found something big, I think. Something brought in last night.’

‘No doubt another record-winning giffa.’ His jest over the normally minnow-sized fish fell on deaf ears. He sighed again. ‘Arissa, please. My feet are nearly frozen through, and the tide is almost out. You’ll miss any more eels…’

‘One moment more. Really, Sugan; you could be helping me move these branches…ahhhh!’

‘Riss?’ Her exclamation startled him and made several nearby rock gulls take wing with equally loud cries of annoyance. He leapt forward for her even as she jumped back and they nearly collided. ‘What is it?’

‘A hand! Blessed Mother! Sugan, it’s a person! A person rolled up in a grass mat!’

If Cynthia could spend less time on setting the scene and the world and get to this on the first page, I’d have definitely turned the page. page. Even then, though, in the following pages I didn’t get a sense of the stakes or consequences to the two walkers for rescuing the person they found. Once again, too leisurely for my tastes, though it might be okay for another.

To be honest, I feel almost churlish for denying this writer a page turn. But remember, the challenge is compelling, not “interesting” or “well written.”

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Tips & Subscriptions Your generosity helps defray the cost of hosting FtQ.

---

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey