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My book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells, is now available for pre-order at Amazon.com. I should be printing and shipping within in a few weeks, and early orders will be tremendously helpful.The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.
Sheri’s first 16 lines (a prologue):
Didn’t make it to compelling for meOctober, 1945. Midnight.
“I can do this.” Grace straightened her velvet robe and sat demurely on the entrance sofa. His smell hit her senses with familiar warmth. Grace shook the tension out of her hands, resting them on her lap. Stay calm. If I am calm, how could he not listen? A click broke the silence as the lock turned on the door. The grand door creaked opened to reveal the face she longed for and feared.
“Grace, come to me.” His arms opened as she ran to him; the two embraced. The war was not long, only a fraction of her existence, yet it seemed as if it were a millennia. Lifting her head from Kristof’s shoulder, she smiled again as Eva entered behind him.
“Eva!” Grace pulled from Kristof to meet her.
“Hello, Grace.” Eva gave Grace a courteous embrace.
“I missed you both so much.” Grace’s eyes began to water.
“Where is Lily?” Kristof asked.
Grace went rigid. Eva looked her in the eye and whispered, “Could it be true? Is she really gone?” Eva’s eyes sparked with hope. Her voice was more pleasant now.
Grace lowered her eyes. “She left. I couldn’t stop her.” Without looking at Kristof, Grace gingerly walked towards the music room. “Kristof, please…would you play for me? I’ve (snip)
While the character is feeling tension, I didn’t. If we knew why she was tense (which is that she expects Kristof to be violently, dangerously enraged at Lily’s absence), it would help. I think more snippets of scene setting and action staging would be helpful to let the reader take in the action in a context. I believe, from what I gathered in the rest of the chapter, that these may be vampires or other paranormal creatures, but that’s not evident here, and that, too, might help stir interest. Now to get picky.
October, 1945. Midnight.
“I can do this.” Grace straightened her velvet robe and sat demurely on the entrance sofa. His smell hit her senses with familiar warmth. Grace shook the tension out of her hands, resting them on her lap. Stay calm. If I am calm, how could he not listen? A click broke the silence
aswhen the lock turned on the door. The grand door creaked opened to reveal the face she longed for and feared. (“sat demurely” is trying to make an adjective do the work of real description—try losing the adjective and showing behavior that communicates demurely, i.e. hands clasped in her lap and gaze downcast. I suggest “scent” rather than “smell” here. What is a “grand” door? This strikes me as a “conclusion” word that doesn’t actually give a picture. Use description that adds up to grand if this aspect of the door is important. If not, I suggest cutting it.)“Grace, come to me.” His arms opened as she ran to him; the two embraced. The war was not long, only a fraction of her existence, yet it seemed as if it were a
millenniamillennium. Lifting her head from Kristof’s shoulder, she smiled again as Eva entered behind him. (“the two embraced” is very distant in point of view, the author’s, not the character’s, and this distances the reader from her. I think the tense in the third sentence needs work. It implies that the war is over. Shouldn’t it be: The war had not been long, only a fraction of her existence, yet it had seemed as if it were a millennium.)“Eva!” Grace pulled from Kristof to meet her. (I think it would be a good idea to show us Eva’s presence somehow, either in the first paragraph when Kristof enters or before Grace speaks here, i.e. Eva stepped into the room and searched it with her gaze.
“Hello, Grace.” Eva gave Grace a courteous embrace. (“courteous” is another conclusion word posing as description—note that it doesn’t really give you a picture of the action. Conclusion words amount to “telling” rather than “showing.”)
“I missed you both so much.” Grace’s eyes
began towatered.“Where is Lily?” Kristof
askedsaid. (While not technically wrong, using “asked” when the sentence has a question mark always strikes me as redundant.)Grace went rigid. Eva looked her in the eye and whispered, “Could it be true? Is she really gone?” Eva’s eyes sparked with hope. Her voice was more pleasant now. (Would “stiffened” be better, crisper, than “went rigid?”)
Grace lowered her
eyesgaze. “She left. I couldn’t stop her.” Without looking at Kristof, Grace gingerly walked towards the music room. “Kristof, please…would you play for me? I’ve (snip) (This is an example of how writers frequently misuse “eyes” for “gaze.” In this case, the sentence literally means that she somehow took her eyes and lowered them on her face. Using “gingerly” is another adverb trying—and failing—to be description. What does “gingerly” walking look like? It brings no image to mind for me.)
I saw plenty of potential in this story (BTW, have you tried opening with the first chapter rather than a prologue?), but I think that Sheri needs to inhabit her character more deeply to deliver the experience of the scene. And stay away from the adverbs and conclusion words (a post on conclusion words is here).
Comments, anyone?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,
- send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
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© 2009 Ray Rhamey