My book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells, is now available for pre-order at Amazon.com. I should be printing and shipping within in about 3 weeks, and early orders will be tremendously helpful.The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.
Jenny’s first 16 lines:
I wanted moreA man and woman, both approaching old age, with silver hair and scarlet wings, soared high above the ocean. Their hands were clasped together and in their free hands, each grasped a small bundle, wrapped in soft golden cloth. The woman was crying silently, tears running down her still beautiful face.
It is almost time.
The cliffs where the bird-woman and her brother-husband were born sixty years earlier soon turned into faint outlines on the horizon. A sob escaped her throat, and her brother-husband gave her hand a soft squeeze. Each knew that eventually, this day would come. It had happened to their kind since before time began.
After all, there could only be two. They were Alerion. This was their way.
I don't want to die.
The bird-woman looked down at her little bundle in disdain, hoping vainly that this was a dream. Sixty years was not a long enough life. Humans, powerless and weak, lived tiny and insignificant lives longer than that.
It is not fair.
The cliffs were still hours away. Hours that the bird-woman had left to live. Hours before (snip)
There are some little craft issues, but the writing is good and the storytelling worked for me, raising story questions and tension. Some notes, and then a comment or two.
A man and woman, both approaching old age, with silver hair and scarlet wings, soared high above the ocean. Their hands were clasped together and in their free hands each grasped a small bundle, wrapped in soft golden cloth. The woman
was cryingcried silently, tears running down her still-beautiful face. (Clarity issue: their hands were clasped together doesn’t necessarily mean that they are holding hands; they could have their hands in, for example, together as in prayer. If they’re holding hands, why not just say so?)It is almost time.
The cliffs where the bird-woman and her brother-husband were born sixty years earlier soon turned into faint outlines on the horizon. A sob escaped her throat, and her brother-husband gave her hand a soft squeeze. Each
knewhad known thateventuallythis day would come. It had happened to their kind since before time began.After all, there could only be two. They were Alerion. This was their way.
I don't want to die.
The bird-woman looked down at her little bundle in disdain, hoping
vainlythat this was a dream. Sixty years was not a long enough life. Humans, powerless and weak, lived tiny and insignificant lives longer than that. (Since we’re clearly in her point of view now, I don’t think she’d think of herself as “bird-woman,” and she was just “woman” at the beginning. We know that she has wings, so this extra descriptor is also not necessary.)It is not fair.
The cliffs were still hours away. Hours that the bird-woman had left to live. Hours before (snip)
The distance between the reader and the characters at the beginning, while not “bad,” still keeps the reader at arms-length. If I were you, Jenny, I’d try starting from within the woman’s point of view, giving us her experience, not just an objective camera view. And I’d use her name, too. Things like that help a character become a person in the reader’s mind, not just an object. Nice work, though, and at the end of this very short chapter I wanted more. Good luck.
Comments, anyone?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,
- send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
- Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2009 Ray Rhamey