Flogometer for Stu; would you keep reading?

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I have a post up on plotting at Writer Unboxed that might interest you.

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Flogging the Quill has been named one of the 100 best writing sites here. There are other sites of interest, so you might want to give it a look.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Stu returns with a revision. His first 16 lines:

The Harbingers of Death came into view.

The six Bedouins rode in a single file of silent shadows gliding across the landscape, rolling with each ungainly sway of the inelegant camels. Occasionally, the sands reflected a brief shimmer of silver light from the quarter moon across the reddened waves.

There was little splendor in the world he knew, yet their leader never ceased to wonder at the beauty of the desert by night. A flicker of movement to his left caught his attention. He reached down to the blanket spread across the front of his saddle and felt for the assault rifle beneath. Gradually he recognized the outlines of a pair of striped Hyena and relaxed.

The striped Hyena raised his wide snout towards scent of man. His dry nostrils wrinkled in confirmation and he glanced back to the female. Weakened by the additional burden of carrying an imminent litter she lagged some distance behind the male.

The leader of the Bedouins guessed the pair had been following for some time. They must have traveled some distance for he had not seen any possible location where a lair might have been dug. Not even a wadi had they passed since so many had been dried out over the years. He pushed up his goggles and reached into his pack for the night vision glasses. He studied the animals and across the distance between them the animal’s hunger was obvious, (snip)

Still doesn’t grip this reader
In the previous version, this opening was a 1-page prologue written from one of the Hyenas point of view. In this version, the POV is uncertain at times, and head-hops from the Bedouin leader to a Hyena. I’m having trouble understanding what role the Hyenas play in the story—I read through the rest of the chapter, and they don’t return. More than that, though, although much of the writing is good, this lacked the grip of compelling tension for me.

One other little note—the author is fooling the reader here. The narrative is about 6 Bedouins, but it turns out that they are Americans disguised as Bedouins. I’m not sure this deceit is necessary. Some notes:

The Harbingers of Death came into view. (This line, in the previous version, was the end of the prologue, and from the Hyena POV—it referred to the humans. Here, though, we don’t know who it refers to or what the point of view is. Ungrounded, for me it lost meaning.)

The six Bedouins rode in a single file of silent shadows gliding across the landscape, rolling with each ungainly sway of the inelegant camels. Occasionally, the sands reflected a brief shimmer of silver light from the quarter moon across the reddened waves. (For me, the adjective was excess and actually pulled me out of the story just a little. And, so far, no tension, no hook.)

There was little splendor in the world the leader he knew, yet he their leader never ceased to wonder at the beauty of the desert by night. A flicker of movement to his left caught his attention. He reached down to the blanket spread across the front of his saddle and felt for the assault rifle beneath. Gradually he recognized the outlines of a pair of striped Hyena and relaxed. (The pronoun “he” has no antecedent, so I switched things around so that it did. I found the capitalization of “Hyena” sticking out, so went to my online dictionary, and it wasn’t capitalized. I suggest making it lower case. The mention of the weapon does raise a story question, but then the guy relaxes. If the gun was described as “hidden” or “concealed,” it would help.)

The striped Hyena raised his wide snout towards scent of man. His dry nostrils wrinkled in confirmation and he glanced back to the female. Weakened by the additional burden of carrying an imminent litter, she lagged some distance behind the male. (Both lack of clarity and head-hopping here. Suddenly we’re in the hyena’s point of view, but we don’t know which one—the opening sentence refers to “the” hyena, but we know that there are two. “Additional burden” is unclear as well because we don’t know what the initial burden is.)

The leader of the Bedouins guessed the pair had been following for some time. They must have traveled some distance for he had not seen any possible location where a lair might have been dug. Not even a wadi had they passed since so many had been dried out over the years. He pushed up his goggles and reached into his pack for the night vision glasses. He studied the animals, and across the distance between them theirthe animal’s hunger was obvious, (snip) (Repetitions or echoes here—two uses of “some” in the first sentence, and then later “the animals” twice in once sentence. This is a harbinger of potential craft issues because it isn’t as tight as it needs to be. And still no tension for me.)

It turns out that these men are on their way to attack a camp of Syrian soldiers, yet there’s no pre-battle tension within the men. They ride up and are easily admitted even though it’s very early in the morning (a missing setting detail). It seems that perhaps the author wanted to surprise us with the fact that these were Americans in the same way that they do the Syrians, but to what purpose? Perhaps the unidentified “leader” is not the protagonist or a significant character, but the story would fare better for me if we were in his close point of view and some emotion and tension were injected. And if he’s not a significant character, why are we focused on him now? I think Stu needs to get this story going in a more involving way—we’re rather distant at this point, and the events aren’t compelling enough to pull me forward.

I don’t know this, but with the hyenas I suspect that Stu is hanging onto elements from the previous version that he likes and is reluctant to give up. My suggestion is that he should try slipping himself into the leader’s head and rewriting the scene from in there, not from an omniscient camera overhead.

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

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© 2009 Ray Rhamey