Flogometer for Larry; would you keep reading?

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Flogging the Quill has been named one of the 100 best writing sites here. There are other sites of interest, so you might want to give it a look.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Larry’s first 16 lines:

Ann put down on the car seat our introductory invitation to the Greenwich social scene. We were invited to Conyer’s farm first polo match.

She touched my arm, “Just look at the countryside awakening for spring. This is old, established money. Winston needs us to “meet and greet” to help him raise funds for our tissue typing and stem cell research.

Flashing police lights, a short siren burst interrupted our drive up North St. to Conyers farm. A single police car with what appeared to be two officers speeds past around a turn. We smelled the odor of a smoldering fire as we rounded the curve. A single patrolman fought the fire in the car that seemingly crashed into a tree. “Grab a second fire extinguisher from my patrol car. This is not a natural fire.”

As I went to comply I saw the round object hanging on the passenger’s side of the squad car was a police cap not another cop. A deliberate attempt to hide the fact the officer is alone, but that can only work once, I thought.

A gray haired man in a formal smoking jacket peered from behind the Grecian columns framing the entrance of his mansion, “oh mon dieu, I’ll call for more help.”

He shouted to his servant emerging from the garage.

Didn’t work for this reader
Despite the fact that Larry opens with dramatic action, the narrative had several problems that keep it from reaching the professional level he needs. There are many small, technical issues—punctuation, structure, grammar—and it seemed disjointed to me, and there were clarity issues. Some notes that I hope will be helpful:

Ann put down on the car seat our introductory invitation to the Greenwich social scene. We were invited to -- Conyer’s farm’ first polo match. (Here, “Conyer’s farm” seems to be possessive, later it’s a plural. Unclear as to whether it’s a person’s name or the name of a place. If a place, it needs to be “Conyer’s Farm.)

She touched my arm, “Just look at the countryside awakening for spring. This is old, established money. Winston needs us to “meet and greet” to help him raise funds for our tissue typing and stem cell research. ” (The non-sequiter here, going from spring to old money, threw me, as did the line about the purpose of their trip. This is something the people both know, so why is someone saying it out loud? Answer: info dump.)

Flashing police lights and a short siren burst interrupted herour drive up North St. to Conyers farm. A single police car with what appeared to be two officers speeds sped past around a turn. We smelled the odor of a smoldering fire as we rounded the curve. A single patrolman fought the fire in the car that seemingly crashed into a tree. We stopped, and he shouted, “Grab a second fire extinguisher from my patrol car. This is not a natural fire.” (I didn’t understand “appeared to be” and “seemingly,” especially “seemingly.” It should be apparent whether a car is crashed into a tree or not.)

As I went to comply I saw the round object hanging on the passenger’s side of the squad car was a police cap not another cop. A deliberate attempt to hide the fact the officer is alone, but that can only work once, I thought. (For the “round object hanging” to look like a person seems not terribly credible to me. Hanging from where? If it’s a cap, then the lack of a head and a torso would seem to be apparent to anyone. And why would the narrator have this thought about an attempt to fool people?)

A gray-haired man in a formal smoking jacket peered from behind the Grecian columns framing the entrance of his mansion, “oOh mon dieu, I’ll call for more help.” )(This mansion seemed to appear out of nowhere, and the man had to be awfully close for us to hear what he said if it was in a normal voice.)

He shouted to his servant emerging from the garage.

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

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© 2009 Ray Rhamey