Flogometer for Holly; would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Holly’s first 16 lines:

In a narrow valley near the fork of the Bighorn River and Dry Head Creek, Wolf Bird lit a smudge of white pine needles. The thin cloud of sweet smoke drifted through the camp and the Crow warriors stood over it purifying their hands. They reverently opened their medicine bundles, looked skyward and prayed for success.

Back in the trees, their horses, already painted and adorned with scalp locks and war medicines, snorted and blew vapor, pulling on their pickets.

A pale gray suffused the tree line and the warriors began to paint themselves and sing their medicine songs in final preparation for the battle that was to come. Their songs echoed hollowly through the camp, muted and joyless, they all expected to die.

The fifteen warriors mounted and waited. Kill Many, his cheeks painted black signifying revenge and his forehead with a red circle representing the sun, grimly sat astride his horse. White Bear and Little Bull were mounted and ready. The warhorses knew what was coming and they wheeled, stamped and pawed the dirt, steam rising from their coats.

Just as the glow of sunrise touched the eastern horizon, Wolf Bird blew his war whistle three times and the men rode toward the valley mouth.

The sound of pounding hooves and gunshots suddenly rattled through the valley. War (snip)

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Didn’t grab me
While Holly is beginning with a scene that promises action ahead, a good thing to do, I wasn’t compelled to turn the page. There were several factors for me. A lack of tension, for one thing. Even though there are warriors readying for battle, I didn’t feel it. That’s due to the distance here. We’re watching from far off, and not involved with any particular character. We don’t know whose story this is. Now, those things would be okay in a riveting action narrative, but this is the calm before the battle. It turns out that Kill Many is the POV character. Let us see and feel though his mind now.

And there were craft issues—clarity, commas, a little overwriting, and adverbs. Those little things added up to an anticipation of more of the same, and I didn’t want to go there. Notes:

In a narrow valley near the fork of the Bighorn River and Dry Head Creek, Wolf Bird lit a smudge of white pine needles. The thin cloud of sweet smoke drifted through the camp and the Crow warriors stood over it, purifying their hands. They reverently opened their medicine bundles, looked skyward and prayed for success. (Here’s an example of the need to keep reader expectations in mind. We expect the first character we meet to have a meaningful role in the story, if not be the main protagonist. Wolf Bird isn’t that—he’ s soon killed. Why not have Kills Many light the smudge and show his feelings?)

Back in the trees, their horses, already painted and adorned with scalp locks and war medicines, snorted and blew vapor, pulling on their pickets.

A pale gray suffused the tree line and the warriors began to painted themselves and sing sang their medicine songs in final preparation for the battle that was to come. Their songs echoed hollowly through the camp, muted and joyless,; they all expected to die. (The pale gray suffusion is unclear—this could be from the smoke we’ve already seen, even though I think that Holly means the early light of dawn. Needs to be clarified.)

The fifteen warriors mounted and waited. Kill Many, his cheeks painted black signifying to signify revenge and on his forehead with a red circle representing the sun, grimly sat astride his horse. White Bear and Little Bull were mounted and ready. The warhorses knew what was coming and they wheeled, stamped and pawed the dirt, steam rising from their coats. (When we last “saw” the warriors, they were painting themselves—suggest you have Kill Many mount his horse rather than already sitting.)

Just as the glow of sunrise touched the eastern horizon, Wolf Bird blew his war whistle three times and the men rode toward the valley mouth.

The sound of pounding hooves and gunshots suddenly rattled through the valley. War (snip) (Generally speaking, “suddenly” is a waste word and to be avoided. The description works just find without it. Besides, how is it sudden when the warriors are clearly anticipating it?)

Keep working at it, Holly. You clearly have a vision of what’s happening here, but try getting in to Kill Many’s head and feeling what happens as he prepares and then fights, and then show us that.

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

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© 2009 Ray Rhamey