Flogging the Quill

Flogometer for Richard. Would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Richard has returned for a reflog. His first 16 lines:

There was a bang on the door. William flinched, breaking the pen he held. He looked up from the report he was reading to see the door tremble on its hinges.

BANG BANG

Rising from his chair he froze when there was another bang. The hairs on the back of his neck stood up. He looked to Mr Prince’s door. It was his doing he was in the office this late. He wanted to call out but fear held him.

BANG BANG

He shuddered at the sound. He walked to the door but stopped when he almost gagged. What was that? It smelt like rotten meat. He held his nerve and opened the door. His eyes watered at the increased intensity of the smell but he could tell it was someone of imposing stature. He rubbed his eyes and looked again. It was a man, looking completely out of place wearing a travelling coat with a hood. The rim of the hood came down to his nose, covering his eyes, yet William had a feeling he was being looked at. The sight of several scars around the man’s mouth made William recoil. He was soaking wet, a trail of mud footprints following behind him. But it hadn’t rained today?

‘I’m here to see Mr Prince.’ He sounded like a heavy smoker.

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I balked
Richard is working to give us a tense scene at the opening of his novel, which I think is the right thing to do, but at this stage craft issues are holding this reader back. There are places where I feel it’s overwritten, and underwritten in others. And there’s a staging issue, too. Notes:

There was a bang on the door. William flinched, breaking the pen he held. He looked up from the report he was reading to see the door tremble on its hinges. A staging issue here, for one thing. He sees the door trembling some seconds after the bank on the door, which suggests that it keeps vibrating after the blow. And that doesn’t seem possible to me. A door just wouldn’t do that. This could be considerably more crisp, to. Thoughtstarter: William flinched at a bang on the office door, breaking his pen. He looked up from the report, and a second bang made the door tremble. This is not polished, but you get the idea. And it eliminates the “sound” narrative that follows this paragraph.)

BANG BANG

Rising from his chair, he froze when there was another bang. The hairs on the back of his neck stood up. He looked to Mr Prince’s door. It was late and his doing he was in the office this late. He he wanted to call out, but fear held him. (The cuts here are to illustrate making the action crisper. Also, I found the “his doing he” wording confusing and it took me out of the story for a moment to sort out the pronouns.)

BANG BANG

He shuddered at the sound. He walked to the door but stopped when he almost gagged , but he could tell huge man, maybe seven feet tall, looking completely out of place wearing a travelling coat with a hood. The rim of the hood came down to his nose, covering his eyes, yet William had a feeling he was being looked at. The sight of several scars around the man’s mouth made William recoil. He The man was soaking wet, a trail of mud footprints following behind him. But it hadn’t rained today.? I think we’ve got the “banging” part down, and adding more didn’t build suspense for me—rather, it delayed the story. Same for the hesitation about identifying the smell—just let the reader know and keep moving. For me, “imposing stature” is telling, so I added a suggestion. “several” scars is vague—how about a number? A half dozen sounds gruesome. And you don’t need “the sight of”—just see them. The antecedent for the pronoun in the “soaking wet” sentence is William, the last person mentioned, so clarification was needed.)

‘I’m here to see Mr Prince.’ He sounded like a heavy smoker. (“sounded like” is telling. Can you show? For example, His voice had the rasp of a heavy smoker. Just a thoughtstarter.)

Keep at it, Richard, there’s a good story waiting. I feel that the writing at this point is weighing it down, and that you need to focus on keeping it crisp and experiential.

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Miriam would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Miriam has sent a very brief prologue (below is all there is, just 8 manuscript lines) and a first chapter. The prologue:

At the age of seven, in the one-thousandth year of the Sangitian Empire, Katrin Satogo was left at the gates of the Houses of a Thousand Dolls. She had three things she could call her own: a memory of loving parents, a tiger-shaped mark under her left collarbone and a puffy yellow kitten who insisted on being called Jerrit.

Too young to be useful, and too old to be Groomed, Katrin spent her days running errands, and exploring the Houses. But her favorite place, her secret place, was a hidden clearing in the maze-like, central gardens. Here she belonged as nowhere else, staring up at the gray roof of Beyond, while her fingers stroked Jerrit’s fur, and the House’s tribe of cats slept in piles around her...

The first 16 lines of Miriam’s first chapter:

1017 B.E. The Year of the Serpent

Twelve days.... Twelve days...

The refrain pounded in Katrin Satogo's head as she stared up at the slate-gray of Beyond. Twelve days until the yearly Redeeming Ceremony, where the girls from the Houses were claimed by their Spokens or set up in a trade.

Twelve days...

Hello? Katrin? Did you hear my question? The low mind-voice cut into her thoughts. Katrin shook herself and looked down at the heavy weight of cat in her lap. Jerrit's yellow fur was turning dark gold, a sure sign that the light was dimming.

Katrin took a deep breath to steady herself, savoring the smell of ginger and beef vindal as it drifted over the garden.

“What do you think is up there?” she asked out loud, trying to change the subject. “Past the gray, I mean. On the other side of Beyond?”

Who knows? Jerrit sent, bending his head back to lick his shoulder. I asked you what you were going to do about the Redeeming?

Katrin rubbed her hand over her face. “I don't know, Jerrit. What can I do? I have no Spoken and no trade. It's not as though I can just walk up to random people at the Redeeming (snip)

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Both worked for me
The prologue: the brevity helped—it was easy to absorb in one quick bite. It introduced an interesting new world, and a unique character. It may be because I like cats that that element helped bring me through. The voice is strong and clear, too, and it confidently promised more good writing ahead.

The chapter opening would probably have done fine without the prologue. Same good voice, and story questions were raised about a character in whom I was already interested by virtue of the mini-prologue. Nice work.

Two clarity questions, though: There’s this sentence:

Jerrit's yellow fur was turning dark gold, a sure sign that the light was dimming.

This could have two meanings. 1, it was getting dark. If that’s it, then it’s overwritten, IMO, and could have been done much more crisply. 2, the light available to her world was decreasing. If that’s so, then make it more clear as it would raise another good story question and perhaps add to jeopardy.

Then there’s an age question: since Katrin was 7 when she arrived in the 1000th year, 1017 would make her 24. Is that what you mean? If so, she’s a young woman rather than a girl.

A third thought: I’d consider increasing the tension by adding something like this to the end of the third paragraph:

The refrain pounded in Katrin Satogo's head as she stared up at the slate-gray of Beyond. Twelve days until the yearly Redeeming Ceremony, where the girls from the Houses were claimed by their Spokens or set up in a trade. Except, she feared, for her.

One last thought: if it were possible to include one more element in this opening, perhaps by cutting the reference to the light or the spicy aroma, a hint of the stakes for not being properly "redeemed" might increase tension. She gets to that later, but why not now? Also at the end of the third paragraph, for example?

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

---

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Mike would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Mike’s first 16 lines of a YA fantasy:

Jealousy! No, too strong..., more like… envy, Shaylar corrected himself.

A magnificent gray wolf materialized from the swirling mist over the Pool and jumped to Pajdo’s side. Murmurs of approval and astonishment erupted from the previously apprehensive crowd. A few respectfully quieted cheers joined the murmurs.

Wrong! Definitely jealousy!

Moving forward to congratulate his best friend, Shaylar stepped on the inseam of his ceremonial robe. Cursing the oversized robe under his breath while stumbling forward to right himself, he found himself precariously approaching the edge of the Summoning Pool. Stopping just short of falling in, he flushed angrily as muffled laughter bubbled from the crowd. The laughter abruptly hushed as the now calm waters began roiling again; emitting chaotic tendrils of vapor several times their earlier size.

“Step back from the Pool at once!” yelled the Summoning Seer, making no attempt to hide the fear in her usually calm voice, “Get back now! Everybody!"

Shaylar stood transfixed, staring at the wispy shape starting to take form, paralyzed by a set of glowing eyes boring into him. The figure rose menacingly, towering above him. Horrified, unable to run, he found his mind wrestling to identify the creature congealing (snip)

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Craft issues a barricade for me
The good news is that Mike started with a scene, and a potentially dramatic one at that. The not-so-good news is that, for me, it’s overwritten, with way too many adjectives and adverbs killing the pace and clouding rather than clarifying the scene. Some notes:

Jealousy! Shaylar corrected himself. No, too strong..., more like… envy. Shaylar corrected himself.

A magnificent gray wolf materialized from the swirling mist over the Pool and jumped to Pajdo’s side. Murmurs of approval and astonishment erupted from the previously apprehensive crowd. A few respectfully quieted cheers joined the murmurs. (Later we learn that the wolf is Pajdo’s “familiar,” and that these people have them. This would be a good time to include that interesting tidbit, and it would be easy to do. Thoughtstarter: …cheers joined the murmers at the sight of such a powerful new Familiar for Padjo.)

Wrong! Definitely jealousy! (I realize that you’re working on characterizing this character, but if the jealousy thing doesn’t affect the story that follows, and reading ahead I got the idea that it doesn’t, I’d cut it here. It takes up space where you need to hook the reader, and Shaylar’s envious feelings are not a terribly dramatic hook for this reader.)

Moving forward to congratulate his best friend, Shaylar stepped on the inseam of his ceremonial robe. Cursing the oversized robe under his breath while stumbling forward to right himself, he found himself precariously approaching to the edge of the Summoning Pool. Stopping just short of falling in, he flushed angrily as muffled laughter bubbled from the crowd. The laughter abruptly hushed as tThe now calm waters began roiling again, emitting chaotic tendrils of vapor several times their earlier size. (Likewise, if his clumsiness doesn’t affect the story later, you don’t need hit here. Just get him to the edge of the pool. The reference to tendrils refers to things the reader hasn’t seen—all we know about is swirling mist. If you want tendrils, they belong up front, too, as in: chaotic tendrils of vapor settled into a swirling mist over the Summoning Pool, and a magnificent gray wolf sprang from it to Pajdo’s side. This way, the “larger” reference has some meaning. However, if you gave the reader pictures—for example, if the first tendrils were as thick as a finger and these were as think as a man’s wrist, we can actually see something.)

“Step back from the Pool at once!” yelled the Summoning Seer, making no attempt to hide the fear in her usually calm voice, “Get back now! Everybody!" (A point of view shift here—Shayla can’t know that the Seer is making no attempt to hide the fear. Just show us, [her voice tight and sharp instead of its usual smooth tone] the fear.)

Shaylar stood transfixed, staring at the wispy shape starting to take taking form, paralyzed by a set of glowing eyes boring that bored into him. The figure rose menacingly, towering and towered above him. Horrified, unable to run, Captivated, he found his mind wrestling tried to identify the creature congealing (snip) (I suggest avoiding the “ing” words and use past tense instead for a crisper, more active narrative.

Mike, you need to work on maintaining a consistent point of view (in a later page you head-hopped into Pajdo’s mind in the midst of a Shala scene), and start cutting adjectives and adverbs—an example that stood out in latter narrative was where a character “took a few reverse steps back.” Instead, “stepped back” would do just fine. But the story (a dragon seems to be trying to come from the mist to Shala)sounds fascinating.

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Jessica: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Jessica’s first 16 lines:

The orb pulsed coldly in the nest of gears above Maria Codrescu's left cheekbone. Its brass fittings whirred as the eye tracked Inspector Ravenwood's path across Codrescu's cluttered laboratory. Ravenwood wondered whether the eye was as all-seeing as it was rumored to be. When discomfort finally caused her to glance back over her shoulder, deliberately passing over the body parts that littered every horizontal surface -- hammered from brass and iron, welded together, and twitching independently of any visible stimulus -- Codrescu's plump Carpathian lips twisted in a smirk.

"Are you satisfied, then, Inspector? There are no witches here, only a humble craftsman."

"Craftsman," Ravenwood mused. "Much too modest a word for someone who makes the blind see, the deaf hear, and the lame walk."

And 'humble' was hardly the word Ravenwood would have used to describe someone who had become fabulously wealthy from the recent fad for unnecessary prosthetics. Codrescu had been in the country only two years, and already no ball or dinner party was considered fashionable without the soft clank and hum of her machinery just beneath the conversation.

"We all do what we can."

The words sounded heavy in Codrescu's mouth, possibly because of her accent, and (snip)

A “yes” from me
The glimpse of a fascinating world, strong writing, and an attractive voice pulled me on despite the technical lack of tension elements. The whole point of the first 16 lines is to raise story questions that the reader is so motivated to learn the answers to that she will turn the page, and the “what’s going on here?” question that this opening raised for me was enough to move me on.

However. . .at the end of this 4-page chapter, Jessica finally revealed what the mystery was about, and I saw no reason for her to withhold it. Perhaps intended as a surprise, I think it would have served her better on this page. In the notes below, I’ll insert the few words where I think they would add tension. Otherwise, there’s not much to pick at.

The orb pulsed coldly in the nest of gears above Maria Codrescu's left cheekbone. Its brass fittings whirred as the eye tracked Inspector Ravenwood's path across Codrescu's cluttered laboratory. Ravenwood wondered whether the eye was as all-seeing as it was rumored to be. When discomfort finally caused her to glance back over her shoulder, deliberately passing over the body parts that littered every horizontal surface -- hammered from brass and iron, welded together, and twitching independently of any visible stimulus -- Codrescu's plump Carpathian lips twisted in a smirk. (I would have given Inspector Ravenwood her first name, for one small thing. If she’s to be the protagonist, it helps connect the reader. And I’d cut “Carpathian”—I didn’t know what that referred to, and I suspect that many wouldn’t, and it pulled me out of the story. I looked it up, and it refers to the Carpathian mountains of central Europe. Who knew? I don’t think it’s necessary, and it was a speed bump.)

"Are you satisfied, then, Inspector? There are no witches here, only a humble craftsman. And certainly not a missing heiress." (For me, the addition of the focus of the inspector’s investigation helps create more story questions that I want answered.)

"Craftsman," Ravenwood mused. "Much too modest a word for someone who makes the blind see, the deaf hear, and the lame walk."

And 'humble' was hardly the word Ravenwood would have used to describe someone who had become fabulously wealthy from the recent fad for unnecessary prosthetics. Codrescu had been in the country only two years, and already no ball or dinner party was considered fashionable without the soft clank and hum of her machinery just beneath the conversation.

"We all do what we can."

The words sounded heavy in Codrescu's mouth, possibly because of her accent, and (snip)

Very nice work, Jessica. I wanted more at the end of the chapter, so you’ve done your job. I do, however, think you could work a little more tension in related to what’s going to happen next, and what the inspector needs, and what’s at stake for her.

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

---

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Joseph: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Joseph’s first 16 lines:

The first Friday the Thirteenth after my thirteenth birthday was an unexpectedly disaster-free day. No crossbeams collapsed at assembly. No water sprinklers went off in the middle of morning classes. No grease fires flared up in the cafeteria. It was quiet, too quiet, and the silence clogged my skull with questions like: Why couldn’t I be normal like everyone else? Why was I an accident, not just waiting to happen, but almost always happening? And why in the world was the Curse taking its sweet time in showing up today?

A sense of dread dangled over me, and the rest of the school, like a sword hanging by a horse’s hair. Students, teachers, and administrators inched closer to the edge of their seats with every tick of the clock and jumped a little higher after each bell.

By the beginning of fifth period, I lost all focus and flunked my math quiz. During sixth period, I twitched at the slightest sound and failed to listen to a lecture on Lewis and Clark. By seventh period, all I could do was stare out the window and wonder when and where the foot of misfortune would fall.

“Avery,” said Ms. Sofer from across the room, “Will you be joining us today?”

“Sorry,” I said snapping my attention back to the front of the class. “I was just…”

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Works for me
The voice is fine and plenty of story questions are raised—I wanted to learn what disaster was about to hit (unfortunately, Joseph sent only 3 pages, so I don’t know). The way Joseph escalates the character’s tension works to escalate mine, too. Some notes:

The first Friday the Thirteenth after my thirteenth birthday was an unexpectedly disaster-free day. No crossbeams collapsed at assembly. No water sprinklers went off in the middle of morning classes. No grease fires flared up in the cafeteria. It was quiet, too quiet, and the silence clogged my skull with questions, like: Why couldn’t I be normal like everyone else? Why was I an accident, not just waiting to happen, but almost always happening? And why in the world was the Curse taking its sweet time in showing up today? (A tense question—the day isn’t over, right? So, especially in order to maintain tension, shouldn’t this open with something like: So far, the first Friday the thirteenth after my thirteenth birthday had been an unexpectedly disaster-free day. This way, the outcome of the day is still to be determined.)

A sense of dread dangled over me, and the rest of the school, like a sword hanging by a horse’s hair. Students, and teachers, and administrators inched closer to the edge of their seats with every tick of the clock and jumped a little higher after each bell. (I didn’t think he’d have been in a position to see what administrators were doing. A nit, I know, but . . .)

By the beginning of fifth period, I lost all focus and flunked my math quiz. During sixth period, I twitched at the slightest sound and failed to listen to a lecture on Lewis and Clark. By seventh period, all I could do was stare out the window and wonder when and where the foot of misfortune would fall. (I liked the way this builds.)

“Avery,” said Ms. Sofer from across the room, “Will you be joining us today?”

“Sorry.,” I snapped said snapping my attention back to the front of the class. “I was just…”

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

---

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Dan: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Dan’s first 16 lines:

There is a searing quality to the cold, something unrelated to temperature. Something numbing, something primal. The mind is forced to focus on immediate survival, and has no time for extraneous thought or emotion.

Outside the twentieth story window of his hotel room, back against the concrete, Dominic Grey faced the Manhattan skyline, a speck of dust on a glittering circuit board. The wind popped his sleeves, flattened his face. He closed his eyes and let the monstrous March wind cut as deep as it wanted.

Nya had been everything to him. His muse, his corner in a crowded room, his quickening. Perhaps what had happened to them in the caves beneath Great Zimbabwe had affected her more than he had realized. He thought not: he thought he didn’t know how to stay.

Nya was a child of Zimbabwe. He was not. He didn’t know how to live in her world and not remain a visitor. He wanted so much to have her peace, her sense of self, her sense of place. He had tried to make it his own, adopt it.

Somehow, disconcertingly, agonizingly, it had not been enough. He had thought her perhaps his soul mate– but what does that even mean to a restless soul?

He had left Zimbabwe a month ago and bought a one-way ticket to New York, because (snip)

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(Note: the poll site seems to be down again, so please use comments to give a yes or no until the polls appear.) Didn’t capture me
Despite clean writing, this introspective moment, even if on the outside of his hotel window (but is he on a ledge? Not clear.), is backstory, and the last sentence on the page signals that the narrative is going into yet more backstory.

You might think this man is contemplating suicide, but that isn’t the case. Why he has chosen to stand on a ledge (yes, we later learn there is one, he’s not Spiderman) isn’t clear. Other than the possibility of suicide, there isn’t much tension here for me.

There’s nice writing, some interesting description, but in places more than enough for my tastes (I’m thinking of “Somehow, disconcertingly, agonizingly…”). Could be signs of overwriting to come. This makes pace an issue, and this story seems to be very slow-moving to start.

In my view, backstory like this should be woven in at the moment in the story where it’s needed to explain the character’s motives and actions as he deals with achieving whatever it is that he needs to achieve. Here it seems we’re experiencing a little bit of info dump—information the writer believes we need to understand what’s going on.

Rather than a line-by-line critique, I’ll snip 16 lines from page 5 in the manuscript. Dan, I’ve taken some liberties, snipping what seemed like excess to me and adding a few words to it. See if this is more likely to get you to turn the page (vote in comments until polls appear, please)

The phone exaggerated the Professor Viktor Radek’s clipped Slavic accent. “I just returned from Prague, and am sorting through requests for my–for our -- assistance. A ritual murder in Berlin interests me most.”

Dominic Gray gazed out his hotel room at the brown air of New York City. It had been long enough for him to be safe in Germany. “Want me to meet you there?”

“There is something more immediate with which I would like your assistance.”

Good, anything to take his mind off of Nya’s face, her voice. . .

“It’s an unusual request. A man contacted me, and we had a very brief conversation. Something very important to him has been stolen, and he would like to hire us to help him retrieve it.”

“That doesn’t sound like our line of work.”

“He wants a private investigator with an open mind and international experience, and that the matter might involve my expertise. That is all he would say.”

“Cryptic.”

“The affair might be nothing. My qualifications can attract a fringe element, but this man, something about his voice suggested otherwise. I would like you to meet with him. Are you available?”

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

---

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Julie: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Julie has sent a prologue and first chapter. How does each work for you? The first 16 lines of the prologue:

In his first life, he’d been Greek, but his skins dark tone wasn’t the result of heritage; it was a reflection of his ideals. The chaos he adored had seeped into his appearance and turned his skin the rich color of a festered sore, or malignant cancer. In this life, he was Necroti.

Alkibiades idled in a black sedan and watched as sunrise peeked over the houses to outline the faint green mist of new leaves. He checked his watch; he had waited and planned for three millennium to begin his revenge. He trembled with anticipation; his knuckles shone white where he gripped the steering wheel.

At the bottom of the hill, a small boy in his bright red coat and Superman backpack waved to his mother and cut across the yard to the street. He dragged his feet through the wet grass to make oversized footprints in the dew. Before he crossed to his bus stop, the child carefully looked both ways.

Alkibiades tried to remember being a boy but there was nothing. He had been Necroti for three thousand years. He’d earned the right when he’d discarded the last remnants of his soul. He began to chant words no human had heard in living memory. He gunned the engine, still chanting, and headed for the small target. The impact barely made a thump as the powerful car hit the boy. He was thrown into the air to fall in a lifeless heap. The mother’s mournful wail rang out.

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And now the first chapter:

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The bomb shone with symmetric beauty. Red, white, yellow, and blue wires entwined through the C-4, the shapes almost geometric. Arturo focused on the colored lines. There had to be a pattern. If he snipped the wrong wire, Kansas City would explode. So would he, along with two million other people.

Arturo wiped a trickle of sweat from his brow, and took a deep breath. Breathe in with the calm air, out with the stress. He settled the controller more firmly in his real hands. The cyber hands on screen mimicked his movements. His mission was to save humanity he couldn’t fail.

His fingers flew over the buttons on the game controller. They moved with smooth precision between the hundreds of colored wires on the explosive device.

“I own you, man,” Arturo crowed into the head mic. Excitement filled him. ExCIA had beaten him at Homeland Security, everyday for almost a month. It had been one of the most frustration-filled months of his life. At last, he’d get his revenge.

“Heh, you think you do, Junior,” the hollow voice of ExCIA echoed through the headset. “You teenagers think you rule the world, but we old guys still have it going on.”

Arturo had been trying his best to defuse the cyber-bombs ExCIA had created. He had to admit his friend was amazing. He was a real-life ex-agent; one of the few adults he could tolerate (snip)

Both worked for me
Despite my usual antipathy for prologues, this one (which was only a part of a page longer) was interesting and, even more important, when I got to chapter 1 I knew that this was no ordinary thriller.

There was some missing punctuation (skins – skin’s; save humanity he couldn’t = save humanity; he couldn’t) and an adjective or two that I’d prune away, but the writing is good, and the story questions raised provocative. Nice work, Julie.

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Your generosity helps defray the cost of hosting FtQ.

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Sheri: would you keep reading?

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Thank you to everyone who contributed to my quest for a better title for my writing book. I chose one suggested by Jeanne Tomlin: Flogging the Quill: Crafting a Novel that Sells. There were many good and thoughtful suggestions, but this one seemed to be the best combination of the “brand” and a benefit to the writer. The new website is up and running, please visit. This may shift the availability of the book to February because I now need to get a new ISBN number, among other things, before printing. Now back to flogging.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Sheri’s first 16 lines

Lily laughed. She couldn’t believe she was taking her friend Victor’s advice. She had to give the guy credit though, he was a psychologist. He also knew how stubborn she was and the therapist in him couldn’t stand to see her in her present condition.

“It’s called journaling therapy.” He had said. “Just give it a try.”

Alone in her home, Lily picked up her pen and a notebook, and began to write.

“I don’t know why I didn’t do this sooner. I have had decades to do it…now is as good a time as any. Victor said ‘letting it all out’ on paper would help, and ‘keeping it in is destructive’. I’m not sure what he meant but I’ll give it a try. I’m unsure of where to start, so I’ll start from the beginning.

“Although I do not like to reflect on my past, I do so for therapeutic reasons…to keep myself in perspective. So it is to you, my invisible reader to not judge me. Although you may not really exist in any form, you are my confidant. You will not judge me and you will not betray me. It is a lonely world I live in, I guess it doesn’t have to be; there are others like myself, but not really. They come from different times than I do. They understand some things about me, but not all. There is one big difference between most of them and myself, but I feel I must explain first, you know, for my own benefit.

I didn’t move on
Despite a nice, conversational voice, the result for me was that this seemed like all “talk” and little story. In fact, the chapter, 14 pages, turned out to be backstory as related by this character—“throat-clearing,” the exposition of things the author feels we need to know so we’ll understand the story to come. I’d rather get to the story. I haven’t seen more, but I have a feeling that the best start is in chapter 2 or later. If, as I suspect, this chapter isn’t really necessary, then I’d have to question the journaling device. Even if it is needed, I’d want to learn why the psychologist is having her do this—what problem is it supposed to deal with, what is her “present condition”?

Bottom line, if the whole novel is this chatty narrative that takes side trips—in scanning the rest of the chapter, I came across several “back to’s” (“back to my mother. . .” and “back to my childhood. . .”), and that wandering isn’t, well, compelling for this reader. Some picky notes:

Lily laughed. She couldn’t believe she was taking her friend Victor’s advice. She had to give the guy credit though, he was a psychologist. He also knew how stubborn she was and the therapist in him couldn’t stand to see her in her present condition. (What condition? Specifics make it real. For example, “couldn’t stand to see her waking up every night screaming from night terrors.” Give the reader something they can understand.)

“It’s called journaling therapy,” Hhe had said. “Just give it a try.”

Alone in her home, Lily picked up her pen and a notebook, and began to write. (If we’re in her point of view, she wouldn’t be thinking “I’m alone in my home.” This could use some more scene-setting through experiential description [covered in my forthcoming book]. For example: Feeling safely alone and comfortable in her parlor, surrounded by antiques that were more old friends than furniture, she placed a blank journal on a lap desk and readied a pen. Just a thought-starter for direction.)

“I don’t know why I didn’t do this sooner. I have had decades to do it…now is as good a time as any. Victor said ‘letting it all out’ on paper would help, and ‘keeping it in is destructive’. I’m not sure what he meant but I’ll give it a try. I’m unsure of where to start, so I’ll start from the beginning. (What he said seems pretty clear to me. If she’s an intelligent woman, would she really not be sure of what he meant?)

“Although I do not like to reflect on my past, I do so for therapeutic reasons…to keep myself in perspective. So it is to you, my invisible reader to not judge me. Although you may not really exist in any form, you are my confidant. You will not judge me and you will not betray me. It is a lonely world I live in, I guess it doesn’t have to be; there are others like myself, but not really. They come from different times than I do. They understand some things about me, but not all. There is one big difference between most of them and myself, but I feel I must explain first, you know, for my own benefit. (The part I cut was, for me, overwriting. This narrator is very concerned with herself, while the reader is concerned with the story. Where is it? What is it?)

It would take a look at more of the book, but my sense of it with this limited information is that Sheri has a good story to tell, but needs to make it come alive. First-person narration doesn’t have to feel like “telling” instead of “showing,” but this does, for me.

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Last day for feedback on my book's title

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UPDATE 2 Wouldn't you know it, Bill Peschel's suggested subtitle, "How to Craft a Novel that Sells," is already in use by a romance writer. So today's poll offers a variation suggested by Sarah Jensen. PLEASE give me your feedback and thoughts. It will be greatly appreciated. I'll post the chosen title and a link to the updated website Wednesday, and will resume flogging at that time.

Thanks,

Ray

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

I need your help.

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The last blurb for my new book on writing craft has come in (another good one!) and I’m ready to produce and release it. However, a couple of industry pros I respect greatly, and who have given very positive blurbs for the book, think the title is bad. The current title and subtitle are:

Jump-start Your Novel with Kitty-cats in Action
And keep the pages turning with coaching from Flogging the Quill

Please give me feedback and suggestions

So I’m asking you for your input via the polls below. Please take a moment and give me your thoughts. Because this is important to me, I’ll probably leave this request up until I’ve heard from a goodly number of folks. The more people who respond quickly, the sooner the flogging will resume.

I’m asking your help specifically because, according to the who-are-you poll on the blog, about 80% of FtQ’s readers are unpublished and working on a novel—my “target” audience. You are likely to be the person my book is designed to help.

Please respond to both polls for your gender.

There’s a gender separation because I suspect a gender difference in response to the title, and want to see if there really is one.

UPDATE New question added below.

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New Question! Mai makes an excellent point about "Flogging the Quill" being my "brand," and having a certain attention-getting quality of its own--the "quirk factor" that Kathleen mentioned in comments. Also, while "jump-starting" a book is a vital part of the book, it is broader than that. So here are more title ideas that spring from that. What do you think? Alternatives welcome in the comments.

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If you're curious, there's more about the book here, including a sample.

PLEASE give me your feedback and thoughts. It will be greatly appreciated.

ALSO I don’t want to deprive the writers who have material here for a flogging, so please scroll down and visit if you haven’t yet. The newest one, Renee’s, was a page-turner for me.

Thanks,

Ray

© 2009 Ray Rhamey