Flogometer for Sammy: would you keep reading?

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Do me the favor of visiting my new website that includes info on the new book, editing services, and workshops that I offer. Some quite positive comments are coming in, including one from NYT bestselling author Tess Gerritsen. Go to www.ftqpress.com. I'd appreciate any feedback

-- there's a contact page. And let me know if you’d like to be notified when the book is available, probably January. The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here. What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative. Sammy’s first 16 lines of what seems to be a YA novel: Zackaria flew a thousand feet above the ground. She loved how the cool October wind beat against her clothes and rode the waves of her long black hair. Holding tight to the side of her jetboard, she maneuvered the vehicle into downward spirals. She performed another tight corkscrew before easing her board back toward her destination, flying through the spaces between Pantor City’s skyscrapers. Her eyes widened. She approached one of the pedestrian walkway tubes that connected one building to another. Her heart thrashed her chest with rising anticipation. Zackaria released a breath. Feeling risky in the early morning, she waited until the walkway was a dangerous distance away from her before directing her board under it. Another walkway came her way and she gasped, swerving to the right only to find herself flying straight into a building. Thinking fast, she rocketed straight up. She sailed alongside the tall skyscraper and touched the glass windows with her fingertips. Gusts of wind splashed against her face through her helmet’s window. Zackaria closed her eyes, smiling. She flew above the building and greeted the rising sun. Rays of sunlight pierced her eyes and she blinked, consuming the view of the dense city. Not enough I think we have another example of “throat-clearing” before getting to story. Although Sammy has opened with a scene and with action, he’s just having his character having fun, and there’s really no tension here. Here’s what I’d do to start with: Zackaria flew a thousand feet above the ground. She loved how the cool October wind beat against her clothes and rode the waves of her long black hair. Holding tight to the side of her jetboard, she maneuvered the vehicle it into downward spirals. She performed another tight corkscrew before easing her board back toward her destination, flying through the spaces between Pantor City’s skyscrapers. Her eyes widened. She approached one of the pedestrian walkway tubes that connected one building to another. Her heart thrashed her chest with rising anticipation. Zackaria released a breath. Feeling risky in the early morning, she waited until the walkway was a dangerous distance away from her before directing her board under it. Another walkway came her way and she gasped, swerving to the right only to find herself flying straight into a building. Thinking fast, she rocketed straight up. She sailed alongside the tall skyscraper and touched the glass windows with her fingertips. Gusts of wind splashed against her face through her helmet’s window. Zackaria closed her eyes, smiling. She flew above the building and greeted the rising sun. Rays of sunlight pierced her eyes and she blinked, consuming the view of the dense city. After the first paragraph, I’d go to this one from page 2: “If you keep playing around like that, you’ll definitely lose this race,” Chrisa said in the communicator receiver in Zackaria’s helmet receiver. So we have some overwriting and throat-clearing. That’s too bad, because much later in the chapter we learn that this is a most unusual and interesting girl with a mysterious past. Sammy, whip out that delete key and get us to the story and some tension, and then you’ll have something. Comments, anyone? For what it’s worth. Ray Your generosity helps defray the cost of hosting FtQ. Public floggings available. If I can post it here, send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission. ARCHIVES © 2008 Ray Rhamey