The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.
Mike's first 16 lines (the prologue) of a fantasy novel:
Kerith woke with a start. Perspiration glistening on her forehead, she sat upright in bed. The dream so real, she had to check. Jumping out of bed, she ran to her open bedroom window. A starry night greeted her, with only the soft chirping and whirring sounds of insects infringing on the moonlit pasture below. Letting out a deep breath, she pushed fingers through her matted blond hair. It was the fifth night in a row. She crept back into bed, exhausted, focusing blankly on the rafters in the barn's loft. Why the recurring nightmare? The strain made her fearful of sleep. Struggling with her drooping eyelids, the soft cricket song outside slowly enchanted her back to sleep.
Kerith stepped over the portal's threshold. She was immediately immersed in the world beyond, a warm breeze ruffling her flowing robes, as a black speck appeared on the horizon. Dread in the pit of her stomach was increasing, matching the pace of the black spot's expansion. She began shivering uncontrollably as the darkness grew until it blotted out the sky. She panicked as urgency overwhelmed her, needing to warn someone, somewhere...
The new day found Kerith in very much the same state as the past few mornings; anxious, sweaty and staring wide-eyed up at the rafters in her room.
Didn't sweep me forward
A caveat: I'm not a fan
of prologues, and frequently skip them even in published books. There
are agents who do as well, including Miss Snark. That's not to say some
don't work, and one recently did here at FtQ, but this one didn't.
This dream, of which we see little and understand none, seems to promise peril
The first chapter's opening page had even less tension. It went to a
boy driving a mule to a market, and there was no hint of tension,
conflict, or jeopardy. Some notes on the prologue:
Kerith woke with a start. Perspiration glistening on her forehead, she sat upright in bed. The dream had been so real, she had to check.
Jumping out of bed, sShe ran to her open bedroom window. A starry night greeted her, with only the soft chirping and whirring sounds of insects infringing on the moonlit pasture below. Letting out a deep breath, she pushed fingers through her matted blond hair. It was the fifth night in a row. She crept back into bed, exhausted,focusing blanklyand focused on the rafters in the barn's loft. Why the recurring nightmare? The strain made her fearful of sleep, but. Struggling with her drooping eyelids,the soft cricket song outside slowly enchanted her back to sleep. (Several craft issues with this paragraph. If we're to be in close third person, and it seems that we are, then the following are steps outside of that pov: the perspiration glistening on her forehead and her matted blond hair. Also, the sound of insects "infringing" on a meadow didn't make sense to me. The last edit, of "focusing blankly," had her focusing on the rafters as she crawled into bed, which would mean that her head had turned completely around so that she could look upward while on her hands and knees.)Kerith stepped over the portal's threshold. She was immediately immersed in the world beyond, a warm breeze ruffling her flowing robes.
, as aA black speck appeared on the horizon. Dread in the pit of her stomachwas increasing, matching the pace ofgrew as the black spot's expansionexpanded. She began shivering uncontrollably as the darkness grew until it blotted out the sky. She panicked as urgency overwhelmed her, needing to warn someone, somewhere... (I broke the second sentence because it was complicated, going from ruffled robes to a black speck appearing. I felt the "dread" sentence was overly complicated as well (one might say a little overwritten).The new day found Kerith in very much the same state as the past few mornings; anxious, sweaty and staring wide-eyed up at the rafters in her room. (This is telling, not showing, and it can't really touch us because we don't know what was in the dream that was so unsettling. We had a black speck expand to blacken the sky, but what happened to frighten her? For this reader, it was all too unspecific, and any jeopardy is either non-existent or at arms length, not real.)
It was clear to me that Mike has imagined a rich and probably interesting world for his fantasy, but the attempted tease of the prologue that lead to a chapter that opened with zero jeopardy didn't reach the level of compelling. I urge Mike to abandon the prologue and to begin the first chapter with some hint of a problem coming to the point-of-view character.
Comments, anyone?
For what it's worth,
Ray
Thank you, Terri, for your donation. Donations go to the cost of hosting FtQ.
Public floggings available. If I can post it here,
- send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.
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© 2008 Ray Rhamey