Flogometer for Kenan: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Kenan's first 16 lines of a fantasy novel:

Sharistar Duerdall was up before dawn. The previous nights adventures was exciting; and allowed her to rid herself of some long pent up frustration. That was something she definitely needed. It took only a few moments to dress, occasionally fumbling with her clothes in the light of half lit candles. The rest of her things lay on the table in the middle of the room. She runs her finger along the Duroh runes in the armor that lay on the table. Shar could feel their power course through her body, and that made her feel comfortable. The power was something to remind her of her homeland, as she was a stranger here.

Though her people were of elven blood; they had a nasty reputation amongst the surface world. Shar was born of the Duroh'keskura; one of their many names, but also commonly known as a dark elf. Thoughts of her home are shattered as her roommate was not yet awake and obviously still in the embrace of old memories. The coos and muffled moans were a clue as to what memories she was embraced by. Shar looks through her pack knowing that as soon as Yunari woke up they would begin their travels again. "Never would I have imagined myself paired with a elf." Shar thought to herself while looking at a small glass bottle of blood leech spawn. Shar taps the glass with her fingertip causing the spawn to pulsate. She allows herself a quick smile as this was another reminder of her homeland.

Too many problems
Even though Kenan seems to have imagined a rich and detailed fantasy world, there were too many basic writing, craft, and storytelling problems to move this reader on, and there are grammar problems that Kenan must deal with before submitting this.

Verb tenses flip from past to present to past again, which is a real stopper, and semi-colons appear instead of commas. The reference to a previous adventure with no hint of what it was end up meaning nothing -- it's just "telling." There's more telling, and a few clarity issues. Notes -- I'm going to assume the intent is past tense:

Sharistar Duerdall was up before dawn. The previous night's adventures was had been exciting; and had allowed her to rid herself of some long pent up frustration. That was something she definitely needed. It took only a few moments to dress, occasionally fumbling with her clothes in the light of half-lit candles. The rest of her things lay on the table in the middle of the room. She runs ran her finger along the Duroh runes in the her armor that lay on the table. Shar could feel their power course through her body, and that made her feel comfortable. The power was something to remind her of her homeland, as she was a stranger here. (A mix of grammar problems, telling, and overwriting hurt this paragraph. Note the repeat of "lay on the table." This sentence, Shar could feel their power course through her body, and that made her feel comfortable. could be much tighter, i.e. Their power coursed through her, and she was comforted. The last mention of being a stranger is telling, not showing.)

Though her people were of elven blood;, they had a nasty reputation amongst the surface world. Shar was born of the Duroh'keskura; one of their many names, but also commonly known as a dark elf. Thoughts of her home are were shattered as her roommate was not yet awake and obviously still in the embrace of old memories. The coos and muffled moans were a clue as to what memories she was embraced by. Shar looks looked through her pack, knowing that as soon as Yunari woke up they would begin their travels again. "Never would I have imagined myself paired with a elf." Shar thought to herself while looking at a small glass bottle of blood leech spawn. Shar taps tapped the glass with her fingertip, causing the spawn to pulsate. She allows allowed herself a quick smile as at this was another reminder of her homeland. (This paragraph opens with telling and backstory, two sure momentum killers. We can wait to learn all this. The shattering of her thoughts was unmotivated -- there's nothing to shatter them, no sound, no action. I'm guessing the coos and moans were what did that, but they come after the shattering, so this is far from clear. I felt "as to what memories she was embraced by" was convoluted and passive. For example, how about "to the memories that embraced her." Same goes for "causing the spawn to pulsate." Turn that around and it's more active, i.e. "The spawn pulsated when she tapped the glass.)

I didn't address everything, but you get the idea. There's certainly interesting stuff here, and focusing on grammar and tightening the prose will help. You're at the front end of the learning curve, Kenan, but keep at it. It can all be learned.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
5. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.

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© 2008 Ray Rhamey