Flogometer for Jan: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Jan's first 16 lines, contemporary general fiction from Australia:

'Dammit, Jackson, we can't keep ignoring this.' Lachlan Ridgeway shook that morning's Chicago Trib across his desk toward Bill Jackson, his corporate counsel, and Susan Holliman, lead chemist. The headline, "Diet Drug Deals Death", screamed the tragedy courtesy of Ridgeway Pharmaceuticals. The second paper he held up was no better, announcing "Another Teenager Dies". Lachlan slung the accusing stories into the wastebasket next to his desk.

Jackson's face reddened, contrasting with the white shock of hair, every strand oiled in place. 'We're not ignoring it, but we can't give in without a fight. I've been contacted by three separate personal injury attorneys in the last 24 hours. They're baying for blood, Lachlan. And with the press all over it…'

Lachlan breathed deeply and expelled it slowly. 'I know what the press is saying.' He turned to the scientist. 'Susan, SuperSlimmer is your project. How did you miss this effect?'

Before she could answer, Bill came to her defense.' It wasn't her doing. Braithwaite got us into this shit before you came on board.'

Lachlan cringed at the mention of the Vice President for Product Development, who had raced in to run the company after Father's unexpected relinquishment of the reins. The guy probably meant well when he made the decision. Helping people lose weight was worth (snip)

Didn't quite get me there
I liked the way this opens with a scene, and good story questions are raised, but there were signs of storytelling and craft issues ahead. Putting on the hat of a bleary-eyed agent (and the real me at 5:30 in the morning), that held this from reaching the compelling level for this reader. Notes:

'Dammit, Jackson, we can't keep ignoring this.' Lachlan Ridgeway shook that morning's Chicago Trib across his desk toward at Bill Jackson, his corporate counsel, and Susan Holliman, lead chemist. The headline, "Diet Drug Deals Death", screamed the tragedy courtesy of Ridgeway Pharmaceuticals. The second paper he held up was no better, announcing New York Times said, "Another Teenager Dies". Lachlan slung the accusing stories into the wastebasket next to his desk. (There are signs of overwriting and "telling" here. I found the staging of shaking a paper "across" a desk confusing, though I think it's supposed to let us know that the people were across the desk. But a simple "at" does the job and keeps things moving. The reference to the second paper being no better feels like telling to me, and didn't seem needed. Finally, using specifics, such as The New York Times, adds credibility and helps the reader see what's happening. In this case, having the Times blaring the story is much more significant than a "second paper.")

Jackson's face reddened, contrasting with the his white shock of hair, every strand oiled in place. 'We're not ignoring it, but we can't give in without a fight. I've been contacted by three separate personal injury attorneys in the last 24 hours. They're baying for blood, Lachlan. And with the press all over it…'

Lachlan breathed deeply and expelled it slowly. 'I know what the press is saying.' He turned to the scientist. 'Susan, SuperSlimmer is your project. How did you miss this effect?' (While the breathing deeply is okay, I don't see that it contributes -- it could have been crisper, as in took a deep breath. We know he knows what the press is saying because he just quoted it, and so does Jackson, who just heard him quote the press, so that bit is quite unneeded.)

Before she could answer, Bill came to her defense. Bill cut in. ' It wasn't her doing. Braithwaite got us into this shit before you came on board.' (The first phrases I cut were both telling. The one I added is showing, and we didn't need to be told he was defending her because his dialog shows him doing that.)

Lachlan cringed at the mention of the Vice President for Product Development, who had raced in to run the company after Father's unexpected relinquishment of the reins. The guy probably meant well when he made the decision. Helping people lose weight was worth (snip) (I cut all of this because it's a step into backstory and a momentum killer. We may need to know this later, but not now. Now is the time to hook us with the terrible trouble that Lachlan faces. It would have been nice if he was troubled by people dying, but that may be an aspect of the character that plays a part in his arc.)

There's plenty of promise here -- a contemporary kind of problem, a drug company doing bad things to we consumers, which can provide meaty issues. But the things I indicated bogged this reader down. Keep at it, Jan. Slip inside Lachlan's head and give us the scene as he feels and experiences it, and stay away from backstory as much as possible. You'll get there.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
5. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.

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© 2008 Ray Rhamey