Flogometer for Marlene: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels

me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Marlene's first 16 lines:

The world rolled and pitched, as if he rode one of the wild horses from Connaught. A protest from his stomach brought Seamus Firnan to groggy consciousness. He tried to open his eyes, but the hint of light stabbed his head and a small moan escaped him. Bloody hell, what had he been drinking? He set his thoughts backward, trying to remember, just as a rough hand grabbed his shirt and hauled him to his feet. Waves of nausea and pain flashed through him. He fought it down and tried to focus on the blurry figure holding him upright.

"Up with ye!" More pain lanced his head at the shout, the voice just inches from his face. Rancid breath filled his nose and throat. The hand on his shirt released him with a sudden jerk. He started to fall, but was caught by an agonizing punch to his stomach. He fell to his knees, the smell of straw saturated with urine and rat's feces mingling with his own vomit to keep him hacking for several minutes. Heat pressed him down, sweat poured from him and soaked his clothes.

As his coughing slowed, his tormenter administered a rough shove to his side, sending him to his back. Desperate, he scrabbled to his hands and knees, forcing himself to lift his hands from the ground and stand. A growing awareness of his danger kept him silent.

He was on a ship. He'd not been on ships often in his life, but enough to recognize the rolling movement of water. In the weak light from a lantern, he saw a dark hold crowded with (snip)

Interesting, but not compelling

I think it was hints of overwriting and clarity issues that stopped me. The writing is good, though, and we're clearly starting a scene with a character in jeopardy of some kind. Perhaps, on another day, I would have turned the page. It's that subjective, and can be that close sometimes. All the more reason for making your first page as irresistible as possible. Some notes:

The world rolled and pitched, as if he rode one of the wild horses from Connaught. A protest from his stomach brought Seamus Firnan to groggy consciousness. The world rolled and pitched, as if he rode one of the wild horses from Connaught. He tried to open his eyes, but the hint of light stabbed his head and a small moan escaped him. Bloody hell, what had he been drinking? He set his thoughts backward, trying to remember, just as a roughA hand grabbed his shirt and hauled him to his feet. Waves of nausea and pain flashed through him. He fought it down and tried to focus on the blurry figure holding him upright. (I moved the first sentence because he's not conscious yet, but we're reading perceptions of his world. The sentence about sending his thoughts backward was redundant to me as well because the previous sentence shows him doing just that with his question.)

"Up with ye!" More pain lanced his head at the shout, the voice just inches from his face. Rancid breath filled his nose and throat. The hand on his shirt released him with a sudden jerk. He started to fall, but was caught (?) by an agonizing punch to his stomach. He fell to his knees, the smell of straw saturated with urine and rat's feces mingling with his own vomit (?) to keep him hacking (?) for several minutes(?). Heat pressed him down, sweat poured from him and soaked his clothes. (Doesn't seem like a punch to his stomach would have "caught" him. Perhaps this is a misreading, but he was falling, and then there was him being caught. Why not doubled him over? Would he recognize the smell of rat feces? Especially in this circumstance? And how would he know it was his vomit? He just regained consciousness and doesn't remember anything. It seems to me that it was the punch to his stomach that would keep him hacking, not the smell. And I question "several" minutes -- the guy who punched him wouldn't wait that long, I think. Also, is that detail really necessary to the story? I think not.)

As his coughing slowed, his tormenter administered a rough shove to his side shoved him, sending him to his back. Desperate, h He scrabbled to his hands and knees , forcing and forced himself to lift his hands from the ground and stand. A growing awareness of his danger kept him silent. (I felt "administered" is too elegant a word for brutal treatment, and the whole phrase was a lot of words that slowed pace [this is an action scene, after all] when a simple verb would do. The part about lifting his hands is the writer seeing the action very clearly and then, in my view, over-describing it. Simplicity, especially in action scenes, has its rewards.)

He was on a ship. He'd not been on ships often in his life, but enough to recognize the rolling movement of water. In the weak light from a lantern, he saw a dark hold crowded with (snip)

As you see, in my view this could be crisper. I understand that in historical adventure the language is sometimes on the heavy side, but I really don't see the need for it, especially in the opening scene where you're trying to hook a reader. Still, the writing is promising, as is the scene, so I urge Marlene to keep working on it.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
5. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.

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© 2008 Ray Rhamey