Flogometer for Scott: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Scott's first 16 lines:

The man arched his back and strained against the straps binding him to the bed.

"I'm worried he's going to break those wristlets, Dr. Randall. You can see how strong he is."

"We'll try not to let that happen. What's his name?"

"He told them Gabriel Lucifer in the ER. He's been here before, though. His real name's Raymond Johnson."

Raymond Johnson fixed directly on Randall and bellowed, "Jesus was the son of GOD! Jesus was the son of MAN! SATAN was an ANGEL! I can see it, and they can't stop me seeing it!" His voice was hoarse.

"Who are they, Mr. Johnson?"

"You know who they are! Don't you let them poke out my eyes! Don't you let them poke out my eyes!"

Too bad Raymond Johnson wasn't competent to consent for research. He would be perfect for the refenterine study. Being in restraints was kind of a tip-off. Still, maybe after he stabilized.

"We're not going to poke out your eyes, Mr. Johnson. I am a doctor. So is Dr. Peck, over there. Laura is a nurse. I can see you're feeling pretty bad, and we want to help you feel …

Despite interesting elements, I wasn't compelled

Craft issues stayed my hand. As I've noted before, editors and agents are highly sensitive to signs that the writing in a story won't be the crisp, professional ride that they need to find. It's the same with me. So, while there are promising story elements, I wasn't moved. Some notes:

The man arched his back and strained against the straps binding him to the bed.

"I'm worried he's going to break free those wristlets, Dr. Randall. You can see how strong he is." (Who is speaking? In these first lines, the point of view character is never established. The cuts were of what I felt were over-writing. It's implicit that the man is strong if there's worry that he will break free, and the other person there should be able to see it.)

"We'll try not to let that happen. What's his name?" (Who is speaking? I thought the first sentence was a fairly silly thing to say about an apparently violent patient. The narrative is showing signs of wandering, of not staying focused on story, IMO.)

"He told them Gabriel Lucifer in the ER. He's been here before, though. His real name's Raymond Johnson." (Once again, who the heck is speaking? And how about an action beat in here to break up the string of quotes.)

Raymond Johnson fixed directly on Randall and bellowed, "Jesus was the son of GOD! Jesus was the son of MAN! SATAN was an ANGEL! I can see it, and they can't stop me seeing it!" His voice was hoarse. (If you want the reader to hear that the man's voice is hoarse, that clue needs to come before he speaks. I'm not sure that "bellowed" is needed, what with all the CAPS and exclamation points. However, one way to work in his voice might be: Raymond Johnson fixed on Randall. He filled his lungs and bellowed, his voice hoarse, "Jesus…etc.)

"Who are they, Mr. Johnson?" (Still no indication of who is talking. If this is Randall, then give him an action beat before he talks to the man. Even something as simple as this: Dr. Randall leaned closer, still careful to keep his distance. Something like this also establishes him as the point of view character because we understand that he is being careful.)

"You know who they are! Don't you let them poke out my eyes! Don't you let them poke out my eyes!"

Too bad Raymond Johnson wasn't competent to consent for research. He would be perfect for the refenterine study. Being in restraints was kind of a tip-off. Still, maybe after he stabilized. . . (Because a point of view character has not been established, we don't know who this internal monologue is coming from. I added ellipses at the end because it was clearly a thought that trailed off.)

"We're not going to poke out your eyes, Mr. Johnson. I am a doctor. So is Dr. Peck, over there. Laura is a nurse. I can see you're feeling pretty bad, and we want to help you feel …(Still no dialogue indication. I see no need to refer to Dr. Peck, seeing as how the scene hasn't been set and we don't know that he's there. I assume Laura is the other person who has been talking. We should know that by now, in my view.

So those are some of the craft issues that stopped me. They were reflected in the later narrative -- lack of clarity, overwriting were of concern. Scott almost certainly has an interesting story to tell, and I think he can get there as he writes and rewrites his way up the learning curve.

By the way, Scott, I thought a better opening might have been the alarm ringing and the patient in the refenterine study.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
5. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.

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© 2008 Ray Rhamey