Flogometer for Julian: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Julian's first 16 lines:

James felt a few drops of water on his face and being sure to keep his balance, he looked up at the sky. It had started to rain.

Although he was in distinct danger of falling, he couldn't help admiring the view. From the roof terrace it was incredible; a real selling point, a potential deal-maker, especially at night. It was getting dark, he could see the lights of London stretching in a wide band all the way from his left to his right and he made a mental note to try in future to arrange his clients' viewings during the evenings.

How had he got himself into such a mess?

He looked down. Seven floors below him he could see the street, a couple of parked cars and some rubbish bins and directly under him, illuminated by a single street light, there was a pile of rubble where he could just make out the form of the cat, which was lying motionless. As an estate agent he knew better than anyone how much first impressions counted and what with the rubble and all, the entrance to the apartment block would not make a good first impression.

Bizarrely, despite his precarious and dangerous predicament, he found himself recalculating his evaluation.

Here he was, he thought, like a fool, in the dark, standing on a ledge seven floors above street level, in distinct danger of falling and all he could think about was the price of the bloody apartment.

I turned the page
A good action story question was enough for me -- will he fall off? And why is he there, anyway. But there are some notes. . .

James felt a few drops of water on his face, and being sure to keep his balance, he looked up at the sky. It had started to rain. (I thought the "keep his balance" part was a nice, subtle way to introduce a low-key note of tension. I'm not a fan of "he or she felt," though. We've all been outdoors when it starts to rain, and I don't know that we need to look up at the sky to figure that out. For me, I think this could be cleaner and quicker. For example: A raindrop hit his face, and then another and another. He pressed against the wall, making sure to keep his balance. I think the first sentence in this thoughtstarter shows you that it's beginning to rain in a descriptive way.)

Although he was in distinct danger of falling, he couldn't help admiring the view. From the roof terrace it was had been incredible; a real selling point, a potential deal-maker, especially at night. It was getting dark, he could see the lights of London stretching in a wide band all the way from his left to his right and he made a mental note to try in future to arrange his clients' viewings during the evenings. (I adjusted the tense in the second sentence because it suggests that he's still on the roof terrace, and he's not.)

How had he got himself into such a mess? (I'd cut this. He knows exactly how this all happened, and it's a waste of narrative, in my view.)

He looked down. Seven floors below him he could see the street, a couple of parked cars and some rubbish bins. and directly under him, Illuminated by a single street light, there was a pile of rubble where he could just make out the form of the cat, which was lying motionless. As an estate agent, he knew better than anyone how much first impressions counted and what with the rubble and all, the entrance to the apartment block would not make a good first impression. (I highlighted "some" because it's a useless adjective in description. How many rubbish bins do you see as "some?" Who knows? Why not a specific number, or "a pair" to give a picture. The other cuts were bits of overwriting. Since he's already said that what we're seeing is below him, I saw no need to add the "directly under" -- the reader will get that. I suggest that Julian consider adding something such as "after its fall" at the end of the description of the cat, which slips in a little more tension-building information.)

Bizarrely, despite his precarious and dangerous predicament, he found himself recalculating his evaluation.

Here he was, he thought, like a fool, in the dark, standing on a ledge seven floors above street level, in distinct danger of falling and all he could think about was the price of the bloody apartment. (I'm willing to buy into the crazy things a panicked mind might do, so this worked for me, and now I know just how bad his situation is.)

As it turns out, this guy is murdered, but there's a nice bit of character building going on. Keep working, Julian, and aim to keep the narrative lean here in the opening. Thanks for sending your work.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
5. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.

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© 2008 Ray Rhamey