Updates
1. I saluted you guys in a post on Writer Unboxed yesterday.
2. My take on the show v tell question is below. Thanks for your suggestions.
Some time back, I wrote about how to show and when to tell, and at the end of the post said this:
Do you have something from your own work that you suspect is telling but you don't know how to show? Tell me about it and I'll see if I can help.
Now, two years later, a writer has finally taken me up on it. Kathy wrote,
I hope this offer is still open. I'd like to submit a couple of instances where a critiquer wanted me to show, not tell, and I'm flummoxed how to do so.
The answer is yes. But first, a plug. There was a litblogger known
as Mad Max who retired his mouse a couple of years back, and it
turned out that he was an executive editor at Penguin Putnam. He then
moved on to become a literary agent at The Writers House. Here's what
editor/agent Dan Conaway said in a comment on my show-tell post:
"While it'd be crazy to suggest that a writer's performance in the 'show don't tell' drill is what separates amateurs from Olympians, there's no doubt that internalizing Ray's wonderful encapsulation of the principle will improve the chances of a reader (like this grumpy editor, say) reading more than a single paragraph of your manuscript before tossing it on the scrap-heap."
Well, I for one hate to see a writer being flummoxed (great word). Then I had the idea of expanding her request into a "Show v Tell" clinic, and she said it was okay.
So here's the deal
In comments, share your thoughts about whether or not Kathy's critiquer was right about the need in these two examples, and then offer your suggestions for unflummoxing Kathy.
I will let it run for a day, and then add my own reactions in an update. If I may be so bold, you might want to read the post on how to show and when to tell before you jump in. Kathy's critiquer's notes are in red.
But first, a minor rant on "felt." As you'll see, Kathy's critiquer
focused in on her use of felt. Felt is a passive, lazy verb that
doesn't do much for picturing. An example from a sample sent to me:
She felt radiant.
I know that there are times when you must use that verb
Joy filled her.
Or maybe there's an interesting way to use "felt:"
Her body felt like a smile
Okay, are you primed and ready? You've read how to show and when to tell? Then unflummox Kathy.
Sample 1)
Over the next two days, Julie found several ways to get Peter to pay attention to her. She dropped her books right next to him. He helped pick them up for her. Then she "twisted" her ankle near him. He supported her to the nurse's office. And carried her book bag for her after school.Melissa felt show how she felt, not tell she was watching a drama play out in front of her that she couldn't stop.
What does Kathy need to do in that last paragraph, or is "felt" an appropriate way to express this narrative?
Sample 2)
To the brisk music, they jumped and whipped their legs together, landing in either a tight fifth or coupé each time, depending on the number of beats they did."Over cross the fifth in the air," Miss Sylvia told them.
Melissa felt show, don't tell uncoordinated as her feet spazzed through the moves. Most of the other students fumbled through the exercise as well. A few stopped after assemblé, bewildered.
Okay, please chime in, and then I'll add my thoughts.
In my view, the first "felt" example isn't a show versus tell situation. The narrative is about her feeling as if something else were happening, and I think that part of the narrative works. If there's anything missing, it would be a little "show" on the emotions or reactions that sense of watching an unstoppable drama causes. Is she glad about it, or the opposite?
The second "felt" is definitely a tell that needs to be replaced. My
first step would be to do as Stace suggested in her comment:
Melissa's feet spazzed through the moves.
That eliminates the telling of "felt" and shows the lack of
coordination, and I think the reader will get it. However, it could be
expanded a little to include more of the feelings, perhaps with
something like this:
Melissa's feet spazzed through the moves like a beginner instead of someone who'd spent years in dance classes.
A word of caution on helping other writers out with things like this: while it's okay to offer completely new ideas and language, as an editor I seldom do extensive rewriting. It has to do with respecting the writer's voice. But constructive criticism about perceived shortcomings and direction on what and how to correct them is good stuff, and I'm sure Kathy has gained a great deal of valuable insight from your comments.
What about you?
Do you have instances in your work where you see a need to show versus telling and would like some ideas on how to do it? Email me with the piece as Kathy has along with permission to use it for a Show v Tell Clinic on FtQ and I'll get you some help.
For what it's worth,
Ray
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© 2008 Ray Rhamey