Flogometer for Jack: would you keep reading?

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

---

Jack's first 16 lines:

After watching the ten o'clock local news from a barstool, Jack knew he wouldn't be going back to his office anytime soon. All that was left of Jack Farber's Private Investigation Agency were some pipes sticking up from the foundation and half of a toilet.

Running out of options, Jack reached for his cell phone and called his ex-partner who owed him big time. He still carried the bullet with her name on it and the scar to prove it.

"Detective Darnell."

"Hello Maggie. It's Jack."

"Where in the hell are you, Jack? I've got an APB out on you."

"Some stinking dive called The Bloody Bucket," Jack said tracing his finger along the
sticky bar.

"Good God, what are you doing in that death trap? If you don't have a gun when you walk in, management issues you one."

"I brought my own."

"Tell me something I don't know."

"I need a favor. I need to know what the police found in the rubble."

"I was told the fire investigators found two suspicious items: a pipe wrench lying next to. . .

I wanted more

A good, old-fashioned, smart-ass private eye voice and good story questions made this one an easy call. Nice start. Still, I do have some notes.

After watching the ten o'clock local news from a barstool, Jack knew he wouldn't be going back to his office anytime soon. All that was left of Jack Farber's Private Investigation Agency were some pipes sticking up from the foundation and half of a toilet. (A detail like "local" isn't really needed; all the reader needs is that he was watching news. This is a tiny example of overwriting. And "some" is vague and not really necessary, IMO.)

Running out of options, Jack reached for his cell phone and called his ex-partner. She who owed him big time; he. He still carried the bullet with her name on it and the scar to prove it. (I wonder about "reached for." It implies that the cell phone is sitting on the bar, but isn't clear. A thought: you could do more to characterize their relationship if you simply have him press autodial on his cell phone.)

"Detective Darnell." (I suggest you characterize her voice with description preceding the speech. It's late -- is she sleeply? Alert? Is her voice husky, sexy, sweet, what? Or the sound of her voice could be reassuring, or call up an image of her face. This is a chance to characterize her with little effort, but it will enrich the story.)

"Hello, Maggie. It's Jack."

"Where in the hell are you, Jack? I've got an APB out on you." (In life, and in good dialogue, people don't usually refer to someone very familiar to them by name in a conversation.)

Jack traced his finger along the sticky bar. "Some stinking dive called The Bloody Bucket." Jack said tracing his finger along the sticky bar. (I moved the action beat, which was a good one, just to break up the dialogue. And I think "said tracing" is not artful or crisp.)

"Good God, what are you doing in that death trap? If you don't have a gun when you walk in, management issues you one." (This snappy dialogue promises fun ahead.)

"I brought my own."

"Tell me something I don't know."

"I need a favor. I need to know what the police found in the rubble."

"I was told the fire investigators found two suspicious items: a pipe wrench lying next to. . .

Good stuff. I suggest you avoid a long string of nothing but quoted dialogue -- use action beats to characterize and do other things as it goes on. See my post on Cooking up some tasty beats.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

---

Donations go to the cost of hosting FtQ.

---

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
5. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES .

© 2008 Ray Rhamey