The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.
Kamila's first 16 lines of a political fantasy:
Mark's feet curled from the chill as he stepped off the bedroom's rug into the opulent bathroom. Wheat-colored lengths of hair curtained his face as he bent over a marble sink to wash his nervousness away in jasmine-scented water. He settled his bare bottom on a mahogany chair and combed his hair. Maybe his gut pinched because he hadn't slept enough, or because he anticipated another ordinary day of dodging the household bully, but a superstitious part of him shivered. Maybe a morbai smiled at his fears and waited in the soul world to satisfy its malice with something especially nasty.
Lord Argenwain had fallen asleep only a few hours ago. Amazing that the all-night revelry didn't kill the old man. At nineteen years of age Mark could barely keep up with him.
Mark put on a lacy shirt, then hesitated at a barely-audible disturbance. The sound grew into Bainswell's footsteps, and the bedroom door whispered open.
"My lord." Bainswell's resonant voice licked a shudder up Mark's spine despite the fact that the valet had softened it. "I'm sorry to wake you, but you told me to get you up at three, and it's after."
Shit, after three. Mark had to hurry or he wouldn't get a chance to eat before his lesson.
"My lord?" Bainswell's voice deepened.
Didn't quite get me there
There are some nits in otherwise good writing, but I didn't feel
much in the way of tension in these lines, and don't see much of a
story question. I looked ahead, of course, and, other than a nasty
scuffle with Bainswell, the chapter had the protagonist have breakfast
and a session with a tutor. I didn't get a sense of jeopardy in the
offing, nor the frustration of a goal of Mark's. While fantasy has
"permission" with many readers to take its time while establishing the
world, I think there needs to be more drama here. Some notes:
Mark's feet curled from the chill
aswhen he stepped off the bedroom'srug into the opulent bathroom. Wheat-colored lengths of hair curtained his face as he bent over a marble sink to wash his nervousness away in jasmine-scented water. He settled his bare bottom on a mahogany chair and combed his hair. Maybe his gut pinched because he hadn't slept enough, or because he anticipated another ordinary day of dodging the household bully, but a superstitious part of him shivered. Maybe a morbai smiled at his fears and waited in the soul world to satisfy its malice with something especially nasty. (The mention of "wheat-colored" hair is a point of view slip from a close third person-- people just don't think of their hair color in this way. He can observe the color in the mirror, though that's a tired approach unless the observation is connected with an observation such as needing a trim or a wash. The bedroom didn't need to be possessive, and why did his toes curl? Was the bathroom floor cold marble, for example? It's a little thing, but it would help to motivate the action and give a picture if we saw the nature of the floor. Speaking of motivation, there's "nervousness," but we have no idea why…and don't learn it. Establish it before the washing. For example, he could rub his belly because of the feeling, and then wash.)Lord Argenwain had fallen asleep only a few hours ago. Amazing that the all-night revelry
didn't killhadn't killed the old man. At nineteen,years of ageMark could barely keep up with him. (It's awkward, trying to work in a person's age while in his point of view. If possible, find a way for another character to do it, or express it in other terms. For example: Mark could barely keep up with him; how could a man of seventy decades best a youth of less than two? Don't need "years of age" since the topic of age has been introduced. The tense of "didn't kill" would have been okay if the reference had been to "their all-night revelries.")Mark put on a lacy shirt, then hesitated at a barely-audible disturbance. The sound grew into Bainswell's footsteps, and the bedroom door whispered open. (Several things, including what strikes me as overwriting, i.e. "barely audible disturbance [no hyphen when an adverb modifies an adjective]. Why not, simply, Mark put on a lacy shirt, then paused at the sound of footsteps in the hallway outside. And how does he know they are Bainswell's? If they are, for instance, characteristically heavy, then the "heavy tread" could give a clue, but here there's no way for Mark to know whose footsteps they are.)
"My lord." Bainswell's resonant voice licked a shudder up Mark's spine despite the fact that the valet had softened it. "I'm sorry to wake you, but you told me to get you up at three, and it's after." (For me, "licked a shudder" was over the top, and took me out of the narrative. While you want strong verbs, sometimes they can step over the line, and this one did for me.)
Shit, after three. Mark had to hurry or he wouldn't get a chance to eat before his lesson.
"My lord?" Bainswell's voice deepened. (If you want the reader to "hear" that his voice deepened, that has to come before the speech.)
There's definitely storytelling skill here, and you should keep at it, but keep an eye out for point of view and clarity (like with the footsteps). While rich in detail, the following narrative lacked tension for me…check out the link above for "Story as River" for some thoughts on creating tension in a narrative.
Many thanks for sending your work.
Comments, anyone?
For what it's worth,
Ray
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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,
- send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.
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© 2008 Ray Rhamey