The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.
Lance's first 16 lines from his 1 1/2-page opening chapter, chapter 0:
Ryan pressed the muzzle of his pistol against the hollow at the base of the man's skull. The close-cropped blonde hair made the spot easy to find. "The passports."
The Russian stayed perfectly still. No shaking, no visible fear, but no relaxation, either. He just stood there, bent over the desk, not moving a muscle.
"You heard me. I want the passports."
The Russian worked his jaw. "Maybe you keep them yourself, yes?"
"I'm not you." Ryan heard more noises beyond the office door, yelling, running footsteps. It sounded like time running out. He tapped the man's neck with the pistol muzzle. "You were going to empty that safe before Rodievsky showed up, anyway, right?"
"Yes." No hesitation this time.
"So open the damn thing."
The Russian straightened a little, keeping his hands palms-down on the desk. "Or you kill me, yes? Then safe still closed. No passports for you."
"I have an understanding with Rodievsky, too." Ryan hoped it extended this far. The passports
-- and the people they belonged to-- were valuable. "I just don't want to wait that long."
Good story questions turned the page
Good, clear writing didn't hurt, either. This starts with a strong
scene, and plenty of story questions were raised. Some notes, and then
a glimpse of what followed.
Ryan pressed the muzzle of his pistol against the hollow at the base of the man's skull. The close-cropped blonde hair made the spot easy to find. "The passports." (Very nice, works description in easily. I'm usually a proponent of using action beats such as this in lieu of dialogue tags, but here I think the rhythm would be a little better with a "He said," before Ryan's speech.)
The Russian stayed perfectly still. No shaking, no visible fear, but no relaxation, either. He just stood there, bent over the desk
, not moving a muscle. (The last bit is redundant-- we've already been told that he stayed perfectly still. Actually, the first sentence is "telling." I'd look at reworking the physical description that follows to give the picture and then eliminate that first sentence as well.)"
You heard me.I want the passports."The Russian worked his jaw. "Maybe you keep them yourself, yes?"
"I'm not you." Ryan heard
morenoises beyond the office door, yelling, running footsteps. It sounded like time running out. He tapped the man's neck with the pistol muzzle. "You were going to empty that safe before Rodievsky showed up, anyway, right?" (I cut the "more" because there had been no noises mentioned in the narrative, so it doesn't make a lot of sense nor contribute, in my view.)"Yes." No hesitation this time. (I'd reverse this, leading with the description. If you want the reader to know how a line is delivered, the clues need to come before it's delivered. The previous "worked his jaw" did just fine.)
"So open the damn thing."
The Russian straightened a little, keeping his hands palms-down on the desk. "Or you kill me, yes? Then safe still closed. No passports for you."
"I have an understanding with Rodievsky, too." Ryan hoped it extended this far. The passports
-- and the people they belonged to-- were valuable. "I just don't want to wait that long."
Good stuff, but the "chapter" was very short, ending with the
Russian refusing and Ryan threatening to pull the trigger on the count
of three. We ended the "chapter" with "Two." Here's the opening of the
next chapter:
If he'd known how it would upend his life, Ryan wouldn't have looked at her legs.
It was probably wrong to do it anyway, in front of an altarpiece. Lorenzo Monaco's Coronation of the Virgin should've had him thinking uplifting thoughts. He stood close enough for the gilt Gothic frame to completely fill his vision, close enough to swim in Monaco's bold colors. Tides of tourists washed around him but couldn't block his view.
She was pretty cute, though.
Normally, Ryan wouldn't have paid a lot of attention. Normally, it would be Janine standing next to him, taking up all his mental bandwidth. But Janine was gone, and God, he missed her, especially now.
I've included this because it was a bit of a jolt to go from guns
and danger to admiring a pretty woman in a church. This chapter gets
into a long flirtation wherein the woman picks him up, and more. So it
was a very different story, and interesting on its own. I guess I'm
mentioning this because I felt there was a little "bait and switch"
going on. On the other hand, the violent side of Ryan's nature shown in
chapter 0 did manage to add a layer of interest under the calm
narrative that followed. I guess I'd have read on
Still, I'd have read on to find out the connection between the "spy" Ryan and the "art-lover" Ryan. But, as an editor, I'd want a look at a longer version of chapter 0 to see how that worked.
Thanks for the look, Lance. Nice stuff.
Comments, anyone?
For what it's worth,
Ray
Public floggings available. If I can post it here,
- send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.
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© 2008 Ray Rhamey