The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.
Jan's first 16 lines (Australian punctuation):
'Michael's gone!' Julia screamed into the payphone outside Flinders Street Train Station.
'Calm down, Mrs Stewart. She'll be with you shortly.'
Julia bristled at the matter-of-factness of the receptionist's voice. 'I don't care if she's with the Queen. My husband is missing. I think I'm losing my mind.'
'Please hold and I'll see if I can interrupt.'
Click. Mozart replaced the receptionist's voice. The familiar hold music from the past sounded surreal against the background tram and traffic noise of the Melbourne thoroughfare.
A pedestrian bumped into her daughter's stroller, turning Shellie to tears.'Stop that, you bad girl!' Julia rolled the stroller under the phone box, putting her child out of the way of the Friday afternoon commuters.
Shellie reached out and cried louder.
'Arrgghh!' Julia dropped the receiver, picked up the three year old and settled her on her hip. Shellie quieted, distracted now by an earring.
Ignoring her, Julia reached for the dangling receiver, and found silence. 'Hello? Hello!' Don't be gone. I don't have any more change.
'I thought I'd lost you.' The receptionist's cheerfulness was enough to piss off anyone.
I wanted to see what was next
Good story questions, good writing, a likeable voice
'Michael's gone!' Julia screamed into the payphone outside Flinders Street Train Station. (If you want the reader to get that 'Michael's gone!' is screamed, then you need to clue the reader first, i.e. Julia screamed, 'Michael's gone!' into the payphone outside Flinders Street Train Station. I felt naming the train station felt like an authorial intrusion here. I'd leave it at the pay phone and mention the train station later.)
'Calm down, Mrs Stewart. She'll be with you shortly.'
Julia bristled at the matter-of-factness of the receptionist's voice. 'I don't care if she's with the Queen. My husband is missing. I think I'm losing my mind.' (While this seems okay, I wonder if it's enough. As it turns out, her husband has been missing for two hours, and she's pretty much panicked. Would she "bristle" here? A thoughtstarter: what about an internal monologue rhetorical question, something like: How could the damned receptionist be so matter-of-fact? 'I don't care…etc.)
'Please hold and I'll see if I can interrupt.'
Click.Mozart replaced the receptionist's voice. Thefamiliar holdmusicfrom the pastsounded surreal against the background tram noise outside Flinders Street Train Station and the trafficnoiseof the Melbourne thoroughfare.A pedestrian bumped into her daughter's stroller, turning Shellie to tears.
'Stop that, you bad girl!' Julia rolled the stroller under the phone box, putting her child out of the way of
theFriday afternoon commuters.Shellie reached out and cried louder.
'Arrgghh!' Julia dropped the receiver, picked up the three-year-old and settled her on her hip. Shellie quieted, distracted now by an earring. (The "distracted" part is telling where this could be shown. For example: Shellie toyed with an earring and quieted.)
Ignoring her, Julia reached for the dangling receiver and found silence. 'Hello? Hello!' Don't be gone. I don't have any more change.
'I thought I'd lost you.' The receptionist's cheerfulness was enough to piss off anyone. (While I agree that the tone might piss anyone off, I don't think that a woman in a state of panic would be thinking of that in this way. Thoughtstarter: what about something like Julia wanted to scream at the cheery voice, but choked it back. as a way to show her emotions and frame of mind?)
Nice work, Jan. Keep at it, and focus on finding ways to show us, and keep the protagonist's emotional state firmly in mind when you describe reactions, etc.
Comments, anyone?
For what it's worth,
Ray
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© 2008 Ray Rhamey