The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly
formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there
should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of
chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.
Judy's first 16 lines:
At last Mangler had a face, but being in the car with him was making
Think Tank's body rebel with a pot head drummer pounding his skull and
heartburn that felt like the devil toasting marshmallows in his chest.
The jerk hadn't offered a single word of regret or apology, hadn't
shown he cared one iota that Think Tank and his friends had been
through thirteen years of hell, the hell of the unjustly accused.
Instead, the gasbag ranted yammerings, excuses, and justifications -- all total B.S.
Think Tank no longer listened to Mangler's rationalizations. He
didn't want to be in the car anymore. Hell, he didn't want to share the
planet.
The clock on the dashboard read 1:17. They passed a farm house.
Windows dark as pitch. Deep in the country, with fields on both sides
of the road. He calculated they had driven about five miles from the
festival, time and distance enough to uncover the identity he had
sought all these years.
The full moon and his new knowledge gave him a jolt of energy. "I can't listen to anymore of your crap. Let me out."
"We're in the middle of nowhere."
"Stop the car."
I just didn't connect
I wanted to like this, but, despite some pretty clean writing,
what's here didn't engage me. This could be due to the subjective
nature of reading. The use of the nicknames, while different, left me
unsure of what kind of beings I was dealing with. More than that, there
are references to things I don't know about, so the references don't
help.
For example, "time…to uncover the identity he had sought…" Whose
identity? His own, or Mangler's, or someone else? Now that he's
uncovered it, what is it? Why not help me understand what that identity
is and what it means to Think Tank? To refer to that, and to "new
knowledge" without letting this reader in on it was frustrating. Maybe
it was intended to raise story questions, and it does, but I don't see
a reason for withholding it. Withheld, it doesn't engage.
There are rantings referred to, but we don't hear any. What are
they, that they're so irritating? Why not use a little dialog to make
that a part of the experience instead of just telling us about it?
There is conflict and tension here, and that's good, but because I don't have any idea what it's about, I wasn't drawn forward.
I learned on the next page, the one I wouldn't have gotten to, that
these guys are programmers. That would explain the nicknames, or
handles. But too late. I was also a little confused by the reference to
Think Tank's friends, who I thought were in the car, but apparently not.
Later, as TT is hitchhiking back to town, a car comes along and
we're left with it apparently aiming to run him down. Now that raises
an interesting story question, but I would not have gotten there. Some
notes:
At last Mangler had a face, but being in the car with him was making Think Tank's body rebel with a pot-head
drummer pounding his skull and heartburn that felt like the devil
toasting marshmallows in his chest. The jerk hadn't offered a single
word of regret or apology, hadn't shown he cared one iota that Think
Tank and his friends had been through thirteen years of hell, the hell
of the unjustly accused. Instead, the gasbag ranted yammerings,
excuses, and justifications -- all total B.S. (Apology
for what? Another of the references to something I didn't know that
frustrated me. Why not say what the "wrong" was? As noted, dialog to
show Mangler's irritating ways would serve me better than being told
about it. More vagueness: "the hell of the unjustly accused" -- accused of what? A crime? Rudeness? What?)
Think Tank no longer listened to Mangler's rationalizations. He didn't want to be in the car anymore. Hell, he didn't want to share the planet.
The clock on the dashboard read 1:17. They passed a farm
house. Windows dark as pitch. Deep in the country, with fields on both
sides of the road. He calculated they had driven about five miles from
the festival, time and distance enough to uncover the identity he had
sought all these years. (As noted, the identity
referred to could be Mangler's, or it could be Think Tank's, or someone
Mangler was talking about. If we learned here that TT had learned that
Mangler was a famous hacker who had done something to TT, that would
help. But we don't know what's being talked about.)
The full moon and his new knowledge gave him a jolt of energy. "I can't listen to any more of your crap. Let me out." (Maybe
I'm being over-picky now, but why did the full moon give him new
energy? I'm thinking this is a way to include description in an
experiential way, but the connection between moonlight and energy
wasn't clear. And I think that the usage here indicates that "anymore"
should be two words for clarity.)
"We're in the middle of nowhere." (Cliché. Maybe acceptable because it's in dialogue, but fresher could be better, maybe something programmerish.)
"Stop the car."
Judy clearly has good writing skills, but I got no sense of what the
story was about here, nor in the pages that followed. Could be, though,
that it's 5:30 in the morning and I'm just grumpy. On the other hand,
this may encounter a grumpy agent or editor, so it needs to tantalize
me with easily-absorbed bits of red meat, not just allusions to things
I don't know about.
I'm sure you'll find that hook, Judy. Do your best to step back and
try to see it afresh (I'm doing the same thing with one of my novels
right now -- it's hard.)
Comments on the opening, anyone?
For what it's worth,
Ray
Public floggings available. If I can post it here,
- send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
ARCHIVES .
© 2008 Ray Rhamey
