Update on free novel. Some reviews are coming in. Here's a snipped from one:
Good book. Very well written. We the Enemy is a fast-moving story with action, suspense and, yes, some polemics thrown in. All of it interesting and thought-provoking. Sid
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.
Greg's first 16 lines of a fantasy novel
To tell the truth, Dora Faye didn't know whether she was about to kill herself or not. All her life she'd wanted to be spontaneous and creative, open to all the sweetly surprising spin-on-the-head-of-a-pin possibilities of life
-- especially now with regards to the ending of it-- and tonight she figured she'd just go with the flow. Live or die, oh me oh my. Maybe yes, maybe no. Easy come, easy go. Tra la la la la. But one thing was for damn sure. She wanted a corndog. The carnival was in town.On this sticky June night her mind played tricks on her. Snowflakes danced over the Ferris wheel. Since snowflakes don't have a mind of their own to zig and zag, flit and flap independently, this made no sense at all to Dora Faye. Snow in June?
Her nostrils flared as a frypit breeze of onions and peppers
-- greasy with diesel fumes-- teased her brunette hair. She'd chopped it to try for a more youthful image before they snipped her American Express; suddenly lacking the plastic cash for the nip 'n' tucks to firm up the face, the pageboy thing just wasn't working at all for her.As she drove her Delta 88 ragtop into the parking lot and killed the ignition, her ears caught a muddy wave of pop tunes, punched out by worn-out carny speakers, as they and her Top 40 regrets washed through her mind.
Opening and voice moved me on
Nice voice here, and fun writing for the most part. I did read on,
and have a note later for Greg about that. This opening, thanks to the
first paragraph, raises a strong story question. Some notes:
To tell the truth,Dora Faye didn't know whether she was about to kill herself or not. All her life she'd wanted to be spontaneous and creative, open to all the sweetly surprising spin-on-the-head-of-a-pin possibilities of life-- especially now with regards to the ending of it-- and tonight she figured she'd just go with the flow. Live or die, oh me oh my. Maybe yes, maybe no. Easy come, easy go. Tra la la la la. But one thing was for damn sure. She wanted a corndog. The carnival was in town. (Except for the first phrase, I really liked this. The contrast between the death wish and the corn dog craving was engaging. I cut the "truth" phrase because it seems a shame to begin such an interesting piece of narrative with a tired old phrase. Wasn't needed, either, IMO.)On this sticky June night her mind played tricks on her. Snowflakes danced over the Ferris wheel. Since snowflakes
don'tdidn't have a mind of their own to zig and zag, flit and flap independently,thisthat made no sense at all to Dora Faye. Snow in June?(The first sentence steps out of her point of view and into the author's. In a close third person pov, she wouldn't be thinking about a sticky June night in this way. And "her mind played tricks on her" is telling. Thought-starter: begin with the snowflakes part. Then, instead of the "Snow in June?" internal monologue, carry on with the no sense thing at the end to describe the night, i.e. Neither did snowflakes on a sticky June night.)Her nostrils flared as a fry-pit breeze of onions and peppers
-- greasy with diesel fumes-- teased her brunette hair. She'd chopped it to try for a more youthful image before they snipped her American Express; suddenly lacking the plastic cash for the nip 'n' tucks to firm up the face, the pageboy thing just wasn't working at all for her. (Stating the color of her hair is another slip in pov-- unless she's looking at it in a mirror (a rear-view mirror, in this case), she wouldn't be thinking about the color. I liked the fry-pit breeze, part, but that leads to an inconsistency in the next paragraph. I think this description could be cut or moved to later.)As she drove her Delta 88 ragtop into the parking lot and killed the ignition, her ears caught a muddy wave of pop tunes, punched out by worn-out carny speakers, as they and her Top 40 regrets washed through her mind. (This may be totally subjective, but…while "ragtop" is a good synonym for convertible, it created an image of a convertible with the top up (because of "top"). Turns out the top is down. Here's a staging problem: in the previous paragraph, before we know she's in a convertible with the top down, she smells odors on the breeze. Yet she isn't yet in the parking lot by the carnival, as we learn here. Rethink the order of things here. I'd get her into the parking lot first, stop the car, and then let the breeze do its thing. Also, I wouldn't have her ears catch the music; keep it simple, i.e. "She caught a muddy wave…etc.)
I liked much of the rest of Greg's chapter, but there are a few howevers for him to consider:
- In six pages, there was no hint of a fantasy element. I think that's a problem.
- For me, there was a little too much time spent on detailed description of things that didn't really move the story forward. It could be leaner.
- The similes and metaphors kept coming to the point where I
was noticing them, and that's not good because it pulls a reader out of
the story.
Good stuff, though. Keep at it, Greg.
Comments on the opening, anyone?
For what it's worth,
Ray
Public floggings available. If I can post it here,
- send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
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© 2008 Ray Rhamey