The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.
Stephanie's first 16 lines:
Mary expressed her irritation in loud stomps that echoed down the locker-lined hallway. Doors whisked shut as she approached. Mary caught snippets as the doors closed. The teachers were saying the standard things: Welcome back for a new school year; hope everyone had a nice summer; please turn to page whatever. Mary had been in one of those classrooms. Bored out of her mind and doodling pentagrams onto the front of her spiral notebook. She wished she still were.
Mary shoved the door to the guidance counselors' office. It banged the doorjamb and made the attendance secretary Mrs. Higgons jump. Mary didn't glance at the scowling secretary as she marched past to Mr. Landa's office. She didn't need to knock. Mr. Landa opened his door wearing an already weary smile.
"Who gets called to the guidance office on the first day of freaking school?"
Mr. Landa's smile didn't falter as he held the door open for her. "Welcome back, Mary." She rolled her eyes and ducked by him to plop into the chair.
"Mary, I'm so sorry. I tried to stop him from summoning you. I hid his pass pad. Made all of his pens leak. I even banged his knees with the desk drawers. I can't believe he had the office secretary call you over the P.A. system. Whatever happened to student confidentiality?"
Mrs. Brown was a ghost. She haunted Mr. Landa's desk. It had been her desk when she'd…
Despite some charms, craft holds this back
There's a likeable style here, and interesting story questions, but
some craft issues, especially clarity, rob this opening of the smooth
engagement that I think is needed. Some comments:
Mary expressed her irritation in loud stomps that echoed down the locker-lined hallway. Doors whisked shut as she approached. Mary caught snippets as the doors closed. (Snippets of what? The narrative should say. How about: Mary caught snippets of teachers mouthing standard first-day greetings.) The teachers were saying the standard things: Welcome back for a new school year; hope everyone had a nice summer; please turn to page whatever. Mary had been in one of those classrooms. Bored out of her mind and doodling pentagrams onto the front of her spiral notebook. (The fragment didn't work for me; I felt it should be one sentence, i.e. Mary had been in one of those classrooms, bored out of her mind and doodling pentagrams onto the front of her spiral notebook.) She wished she still were.
Mary shoved the door to the guidance counselors' office. It banged the doorjamb and made the attendance secretary Mrs. Higgons jump. (Clarity issue here about the action with the door. For this reader, her shoving the door communicates that she shoves it open. Yet it bangs the doorjamb, and a doorjamb is part of the side of the door opening. The only way it could bang the doorjamb is if it were shoved closed. I think this description needs to be recast). Mary didn't glance at the scowling secretary as she marched past to Mr. Landa's office. (How did she know there was a scowl if she didn't look? And I didn't care for "scowling secretary." What if she ignores the secretary's scowl instead?) She didn't need to knock. Mr. Landa opened his door wearing an already weary smile.
"Who gets called to the guidance office on the first day of freaking school?" (While the content of the dialogue reveals who is speaking, it's only at the end. I think a dialogue tag would help clarity here.)
Mr. Landa's smile didn't falter as he held the door open for her. "Welcome back, Mary." She rolled her eyes and ducked by him to plop into
thea chair."Mary, I'm so sorry. I tried to stop him from summoning you. I hid his pass pad. Made all of his pens leak. I even banged his knees with the desk drawers. I can't believe he had the office secretary call you over the P.A. system. Whatever happened to student confidentiality?" (We don't know who's saying this, and it was totally confusing. As far as the narrative has shown us, there are only two characters, and this isn't one of them.)
Mrs. Brown was a ghost. She haunted Mr. Landa's desk. It had been her desk when she'd…(This flat exposition is clearly the author intruding on the scene to deliver information. Mrs. Brown needs to be introduced before her speech. For example, before Mrs. Brown's dialogue, how about something like: Mrs. Brown's voice emanated from Mr. Landa's desk. Then, after her speech, slip in a little information such as: Mary didn't know why the ghost of a former counselor had befriended her, but she appreciated Mrs. Brown's efforts. Just a thought-starter.)
The following pages revealed an interesting paranormal story developing, but clarity issues and chunks of backstory kept interfering. Still, there's plenty of promise, and I urge Stephanie to keep working at it.
Comments, anyone?
For what it's worth,
Ray
Feel free to drop a tip in the jar.
Public floggings available. If I can post it here,
- send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
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© 2008 Ray Rhamey