Flogging the Quill

Post # 200, and 2 workshops coming soon

This marks my 200th post to Flogging the Quill since I launched it in September of 2004. Back then, when I was freelancing full time, I put up three posts per week -- the day job slowed that rate.

I've now written well over 200,000 words on the craft of storytelling, which includes my mini-edits such as the Flogometer for scores of writers.

I feel as if I've made many e-friends, and enjoy the correspondence that sometimes develops. I would appreciate it if you would use either comments or send an email to let me know how you feel about this ongoing effort of mine.

I've written two novels in that time (a full is now with an agent, fingers crossed). Hoping this doesn't jinx me, but Writers Digest Books is considering a book proposal for a book on writing craft based on material from FtQ. Cross your fingers for me.

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Murder in the Grove Conference Workshop June 8-9

I'm doing my Flash Editing workshop at the Murder in the Grove conference in Boise, Idaho. As you might deduce, the focus is on mysteries. They have a lot of excellent programs lined up, and Boise is a nice place -- I'm looking forward to it.

If you're attending and want to be in critiqued the workshop, email your first chapter to me as an attachment.

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A Writer's Weekend Conference Workshop July 1

I'm doing an in-person version of the Flogometer at Writer's Weekend in Seattle July 1. I'm calling it "Do Your First 16 Pages Cut It?" This is my third year for doing this conference, and it's a fun venue. Hope to see you there.

If you're attending and want to be critiqued in the workshop, email your first two pages to me as an attachment.

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So let me hear from you? If I've sent 200,000 words your way, how about a few coming this direction?

• Have I helped you in any way over the last couple of years?
• Do you have any favorite aspects of what happens here?
• Do you have any suggestions or questions?
• Would you be interested in a book of the best of the essays on FtQ?

You're writers -- write!

Ray

Public floggings available. If I can post it here, send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.

ARCHIVES .

© 2007 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer -- I turned the page because it's Abe

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

This is for Chris. Here are his first 16 lines:

A hand in a leather glove presses down over Abraham Lincoln's mouth. A hand the size of a frying pan. His eyes snap open. They adjust to the darkness and see a mustachioed face, and presumed owner of the leather-clad hand. The emasculate mustache moves down toward him out of the darkness.

"Don't struggle or scream or we'll kill you," the mustachioed lips whisper, now only inches from Abe's nose.

The man has a creamy coffee smooth voice, and the hot breath invading Abe's nostrils smells strongly of tuna fish. The odor is oddly calming.

"Do you understand?"

Abe nods and lets his gaze drift over the mustachioed man's shoulder. He sees a woman with shoulder length hair lurking in the shadows. A black patch covers her right eye socket. The woman's single-eyed stare is probing Abe with such intrusiveness that he feels like he's at a proctology exam. Her skin is pale and her face floats in the black corner of the room. It looks like a wig-topped, glow-in-the-dark skull on a stick.

"Alright, now I'm going to roll you over and tie your hands together, do not struggle, or make a sound," says the mustachioed man in his crooning voice.

Okay, I turned the page, mostly because I was curious about why a character named Abraham Lincoln in modern times. The writing has some style, too -- although, to my mind, there's overwriting. This writer had better not disappoint the reader regarding the character's name -- it sets up expectations that the story will in some way relate to Abe Lincoln the president. Of course, in the few pages I received, that wasn't apparent.

I turned the page and then skimmed ahead. I found a number of instances of overwriting -- unnecessarily fulsome ways of expressing simple things. I'll show a prime example in a moment. But first, a critical look at the sample:

A hand in a leather glove presses down over Abraham Lincoln's mouth. A hand the size of a frying pan. His eyes snap open. They adjust to the darkness and he sees a mustachioed face, and the presumed owner of the leather-clad hand. The emasculate (???) mustache moves down toward him out of the darkness. (For me, showing the experience from the point of view of his eyes is less intimate than showing it from that of the man. And as for "emasculate," I think you mean something like "immaculate." "Emasculate" has to do with lacking masculinity, hardly a characteristic of a mustache.)

"Don't struggle or scream or we'll kill you," the mustachioed lips whisper, now only inches from Abe's nose. (While this structure is acceptable, I think the reader would more easily visualize what's happening if the cues are rearranged. For example: The mustachioed lips, now only inches from Abe's nose, whisper. . . As you read this, you visualize first and then "hear" the speech as opposed to having to mentally backtrack. I call this "writing for effect.")

The man has a creamy coffee-smooth voice, and his the hot breath invading Abe's nostrils smells strongly of tuna fish. The odor is oddly calming. (IMO, breath "invading Abe's nostrils" is raises a couple of issues: overwriting, and it distances the reader from the character -- a man would never think of something "invading his nostrils," especially in this situation, he would simply experience the odor.)

"Do you understand?"

Abe nods. and lets his gaze drift over the mustachioed man's shoulder. He sees a woman with shoulder length hair behind the man, lurking in the shadows. A black patch covers her right eye socket. The woman's single-eyed stare is probingprobes Abe with such intrusiveness that he feels like he's at a proctology exam. Her skin is pale and her face floats in the black corner of the room . It looks like a wig-topped, glow-in-the-dark skull on a stick. (Nice visual there at the end. At the front end, though, it's hard to believe that a man who has been awakened by a hand clamping over his mouth and threatened would have the calm to "let his gaze drift." No, I think his gaze would be darting all over the place. In this case, just show the reader what he sees/experiences. Also, for me, the "proctology exam" simile is a bit too lighthearted for a man to be thinking when he's being threatened with being killed. I suggest searching for something more deadly in nature -- or not; two similes in one paragraph is a bit of overkill.)

"Alright, now I'm going to roll you over and tie your hands together, do not struggle, or make a sound," says the mustachioed man in his crooning voice. (I don't really like "his crooning voice" for a couple of reasons. If that has been the nature of his delivery all along, this is far too late to be letting the reader hear it. If it's just for this line, then use "croons" instead of "says" and keep it simple. IMO.)

In skimming more of the narrative, I noticed a couple of craft issues that I think Chris needs to address. There was overuse of having his character "feel" something, like this:

He feels the gargantuan hands grip his shoulders

Better:

The gargantuan hands grip his shoulders

In Chris's first 10 pages the word "feel" or a variation of it appeared 10 times. If I were you, Chris, I'd do a search for "feel" and eliminate as many as possible.

Here's a clear example of overwriting:

the woman presses her black shoe to the brake

In the scene, this kind of detail was totally unnecessary. That she slowed the car is all that's needed. Why take the reader's mind's eye down to the footwell of a car to peer at a black shoe when what they should be seeing is the car slowing?

While you have a fine imagination and do some excellent visualizing, Chris, in my view you need some tough-minded critiquers or an editor who can help you tighten your narrative. I think this kind of character-in-danger narrative calls for a quicker pace than your sometimes extensive, detailed descriptions allow for. But that could just be me.

Oh, a formatting note: nowadays the style is only one space separating sentences, and you consistently type two. I've retrained myself to use only one, and suggest you do as well.

Thanks for sending your work, Chris, and good luck.

For what it's worth,

Ray

Public floggings available. If I can post it here, send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.

ARCHIVES .

© 2007 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer—rewrite earns a maybe

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here. In a properly formatted manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Richard's opening pages were flogged last week, and I mentioned that I thought he'd lost his voice. Richard wrote to tell me that . . .

"The opening was discussed at a critique group and finally was essentially rewritten by the group leader, a published author in suspense fiction. In so doing, he lost my 'voice,' but equally important, the immediacy of the third-person POV went out the window."

Richard also sent a rewrite of his opening. I thought it would be worthwhile to review it as well. Here are the first 16 lines of the rewrite:

Ben felt the knife before he heard the words.

A sharp prick just below his right ear was followed by a raspy whisper: "Don't move.

His body froze, but his eyes flicked left and right. At two AM the hospital parking garage was deserted. No help there.

"Step away from the car." The voice was harsh and low-pitched, a rumbling bass that made his skin crawl. "Drop the keys."

Ben complied. He prayed that whoever was behind him would take the few dollars in his wallet and leave. Hey, let them have the car if they wanted it. Just so he got out of this alive.

He started to turn, and the pressure from the knife increased. Now something was running down his neck, onto his chest and back. Blood? Sweat? Maybe both.

The pricking stopped. Ben breathed again. "Look," he said, "whoever you are. Just take what you want and leave. I don't -- "

An arm around his neck cut off words and air alike. He bent backward, trying to relieve the pressure. He strained to take in a breath, and the sound screeched in his ears, worse than any of the asthmatics he'd treated in the emergency room.

"Listen, Doc. We was told to make sure you knew you had to cooperate. Pay attention."

I think this is much improved over the version sent last week. I gave it a maybe because, perhaps, I'm not fresh to it any more and don't have a good feel for it.

However, there are opportunities missed and craft warning signs -- some telling, some overwriting. Here are some edits/notes:

Ben felt the knife before he heard the words.This is telling. Your job is to give the character's experience, not tell us about it. The next paragraph does a better job of showing. This line is not necessary. Also, how does he know it's a knife? Could be a bug bite. He might swat at it with his hand, for example.)

A sharp prick just below his right ear was followed by a raspy whisper: "Don't move."(In thinking about this, it doesn't strike me that a "prick" is terribly threatening. As mentioned earlier, it could be a bug. For my money, a hand reaching from behind and a sharp blade across his throat would be much more terrifying.)

His bodyHe froze., but hHis eyes flicked left and right. At two A. M. the hospital parking garage was deserted. No help there.(Maybe the reference to "his body…but his eyes" was an effort to be perfectly clear, but the reference to "his body" distances me from the close POV. Ben wouldn't think of himself in this way. Keep it simple. The last sentence is redundant -- if the garage is deserted, then it's obvious that there's no help. Something to think about: if the garage is deserted, how did this guy sneak up on him? Note that turning this into short, crisp sentences creates more vivid action.)

"Drop the keys.""Step away from the car." The voice was harsh and low-pitched, a rumbling bass that made his Ben's skin crawled.  (You've already described the voice as raspy. Is there a real need for more? I believe, from what I read earlier, that this is a thug who will not be around later, so why the overly detailed description of his voice? In either case, this is too much for me. I changed the pronoun "his" to "Ben's" to make sure the reader doesn't think we're referring to the attacker who starts the paragraph. Staging question: we didn't know he was near his car. A little bit of action would help us "see" what's going on. More: the two commands -- step away from the car and drop the keys -- don't seem to both be necessary. I think just drop the keys is plenty. And the attacker wouldn't want Ben moving, he'd want him still -- in fact, he told him not to move.)

Ben complied.The keys clattered on the cement floor. He prayed that whoever was behind him would take the few dollars in his wallet and leave. Hey, let them have the car if they wanted it. Just so he got out of this alive. ("complied" seems a stiff, formal word, and it's "telling." Show the keys dropping in some way as in the thought starter. And the last line didn't seem to contribute anything we weren't already understanding.)

He started to turn, and the pressure from the knife increased. Now something was running down his neck, onto his chest and back. Blood? Sweat? Maybe both.(Why would he try to turn and risk a knife going into his neck? This slows things down. Suggest delete because it's not totally credible, and not needed, IMO.)

The pricking stopped. Ben breathed again.said, "Look," he said, "whoever you are. Just take what you want and leave. I don't -- "

An arm around his neck cut off words and air alike. He bent backward, trying to relieve the pressure. He strained to breathe take in a breath, and the sound screeched in his ears, worse than any of the asthmatics he'd treated in the emergency room. (If you go with the suggestion you'll see below, this could come out.)

"Listen, Doc. We was told to make sure you knew you had to cooperate. Pay attention."

As you can see, this editor feels that the narrative can be tightened quite a bit. That should increase the pace and tension, and help move the reader forward and into the story. I cut almost 60 words (net, after my additions), a fourth of the total narrative. But I didn't lose any key information.

I think there are other opportunities that Richard should think about. One thing that comes to mind is to help the reader care a little about Ben. One thing that could be done would be to identify him right up front as a doctor. We (our culture) tend to value physicians, and this mere identification can lift the level of a reader's interest and sympathy.

Here's a thought-starter for you, Richard, to set the scene and add appeal to your character (unlike your critique leader, I don't rewrite, and believe everything should come from your voice -- but I do make suggestions for narrative content that I think might help, to be used if you wish, however you wish). I added a hint of family for the doc, too, even though I have no idea if there is one. But there must be something similar you can call upon.

Dr. Ben Cooper pulled his car keys from his pocket, glad for the quiet of the hospital parking garage at three a.m. after a night of cries and screams in the emergency room. The teddy bear he'd bought for Becky grinned up at him from the passenger seat, and he smiled at the thought of how much she'd love it. Then a hand flashed in front of his face, steel glittered, and a sharp line of pain pressed against his throat.

This is just meant to illustrate how, in a few lines of narrative, you can place the character, set the scene, give the reader meaningful, sympathetic characteristics, and then thrust him into jeopardy. With an opening paragraph such as this, I think a reader will be more likely to read on than with a "sharp prick" at the neck of some anonymous guy named Ben.

Thanks for sending your work, Richard, and good luck.

For what it's worth,

Ray

Public floggings available. If I can post it here, send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.

ARCHIVES .

© 2007 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer—maybe I’m too picky, but the writing stalled me

The Flogometer returns with its challenge: a first page that compels me to turn to the next page. Caveat: please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

This one's for Richard. The first 16 lines he sent are:

"Don't move!"

The guttural voice came from behind him. The prick of a knife against his neck served as punctuation.

Ben's body froze, but his eyes darted right and left.

Suddenly, he felt an arm around his neck, pulling him back, almost choking him.

"Look…," Ben croaked.

The pressure increased, cutting off his words.

"OK," he managed to whisper, "you win." His pulse pounded in his ears, almost drowning out the attacker's next words.

"We hear you don't want to cooperate.  This is to convince you."  Three vicious blows rained onto his kidneys.

Ben's cry of pain echoed through the darkness of the hospital's empty parking garage. He slumped forward.

The restraining arm brought him up short, cutting off his air.

Ben scrambled to get his feet under him. The pressure on his throat lessened ever so slightly. He managed to gulp a strident breath.

Richard is doing some things right, but there were too many warning signs in the area of craft that forestalled a page turn. There's a lack of "voice," too.

He starts with a scene, and with action. Good. But the narrative was burdened by too many adjectives and a staging problem, and the sense that the narrative was overwritten.

Some notes: this may be a very subjective thing, but there are times when I feel that the article "a" is better than "the." The second sentence is an example. For me, when the narrative refers to "the something" it means a specific object that the reader is aware of. If the something is new to the reader, and undistinguished from other similar things by the narrative, to me it should be less specific.

In the first sentence, "A guttural voice" feels much more right to me because, just like the protagonist, I know nothing more about it. I wasn't too happy about "guttural." It's not wrong, but it didn't really bring a picture to mind.

Other adjectives that were more like telling than showing for this reader were:

• vicious blows (also a bit of a cliché)
• strident breath (an uncommon word that slowed me)
• restraining arm (unnecessary)

I thought the second sentence in that second paragraph. . .

The prick of a knife against his neck served as punctuation.

. . .started well, but the "served as punctuation" part threw me off. It seems like punctuation applies to a statement, not a voice. But this description refers to the voice.

This sentence uses two words that I feel should be avoided:

Suddenly, he felt an arm around his neck.

The adverb "suddenly" is, in my experience, overused. For me, if it goes away the narrative loses nothing. If an arm grabs this person by the neck, the suddenness of the action is apparent.

I also advocate using a verb other that "felt." Rather than telling us that the character felt something, more often it's better to show what he feels. Why not, simply. . .

An arm hooked hooked around his throat and jerked back.

That's rough, but you get the picture. Other nits:

• Blows are "rained" (cliché) on his kidneys. Both of them? There are two, one on each side of the body. If there's one attacker who has one arm around the victim's neck, then how did both kidneys get rained on?
• He "scrambled to get his feet under him" But when did his feet go out from under him? He's standing when attacked, and that doesn't change in the narrative. A staging problem.
• There's "telling" throughout. One example: "The pressure increased." That's information, a report, not showing. How to show? "The arm tightened on his neck. . ."

An example of overwriting from later in the narrative:

An expletive split the night, delivered so forcefully that Ben could smell the garlic on his assailant's breath.

"An expletive?" Not very powerful, especially in a tense action scene. For my money, it should be clear, short, and simple, i.e. "Shit!" I also think that this victim, being knifed, strangled, etc. would hardly be aware of garlic on the guy's breath. Richard, imagine yourself in your character's position: wouldn't you be thinking things like "I'm going to die." or "How can I get away?" or something stemming from the intense fear this poor man is experiencing?

On voice: I think Richard spent so much effort on specific elements of the narrative (adjectives, etc.) that his natural voice stiffened. I didn't feel the confident, "you're in good hands" kind of authorial voice that promised I would be swept away. I think Richard needs a good coach, and to perhaps set this opening aside, climb inside the head of the man who's attacked, and rewrite it to give us the guy's experience, not just information on what's happening. If you get into a true close third person, phrases like "the restraining arm" wouldn't be appearing.

Keep writing, though, Richard. There's  promise here. Thanks for sending your sample, and good luck with your writing.

UPDATE: Richard has sent a rewrite of his work. Much improved. Will post it next week, with notes.

For what it's worth.

Questions, anyone?

If anyone has a question on the craft of storytelling or writing for effect, please ask. It helps me to think about all aspects of writing, and some writers tell me that the answers help them. So please ask, either in an email or in a comment.

For what it's worth,

Ray

Public floggings available. If I can post it here, send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.

ARCHIVES .