The Flogometer returns with its challenge: a first page that compels me to turn to the next page. Caveat: please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
This one's for Marilyn. The first 16 lines she sent are:
A muffled explosion, a burst of smoke, and the propeller spun to a halt.
"What happened? What just happened?" Mirabel yelled.
"Sounded like the engine blew," Dan answered. He tried to restart it, pushing and pulling knobs, tapping his fingertip against the circles of glass on the instrument panel.
"You said the engine was new, in mint condition."
"It is . . . was. Why don't you push your seat back and tighten up that belt. Maybe I can turn this thing into a glider," he said as if he had just told her to get ready for a bit of air turbulence. "Mayday! Mayday! This is November Six Niner Seven Alfa, heading
-- " The radio failed, acrid smoke seeped into the cockpit. Dan worked to deadstick the four-seater down. He talked to Mirabel, explained what he was doing when he executed the four turns of trim to achieve glide position. His knees pumped as he shoved on the left and right rudders.
I turned the page. Good story question raised here, for sure. They
do crash, of course. On the whole, the writing is clean, not overloaded
with adverbs. There were some gaps later on. For instance, Marilyn, you
have Mirabel's leg impaled by a shard but don't show it being impaled.
There was evidence of overwriting, too, in my view. If you can find a
sharp editorial eye, I believe your narrative could
Some nitpicking (what would a flogging be without it?): The third paragraph reads as if tapping the glass on the instrument panel were part of trying to restart the engine, which is kinda lame. If you need to show him tapping, do it before he tries to restart the engine. Makes more sense that way.
Another thing, a small staging item: he starts calling "Mayday!" etc. as if using the radio, but he never picks up a microphone or actually uses one. It could have been part of the action, i.e. Dan grabbed the microphone and said. . . etc.
Thanks for sending your sample, and good luck with your writing.
For what it's worth.
Questions, anyone?
If anyone has a question on the craft of storytelling or writing for effect, please ask. It helps me to think about all aspects of writing, and some writers tell me that the answers help them. So please ask, either in an email or in a comment.
For what it's worth,
Ray
Public floggings available. If I can post it here, send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
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© 2007 Ray Rhamey