Before the flogging begins, Dorothy asked an interesting question in the comments on Flogometer #18.
"What's the difference between a story question and lack of clarity? When is it good for the reader to be asking a question and want to read on to find the answer? When is it a problem?"
I think Dorothy is talking about my comment regarding the following pair of sentences in Flogometer 18:
The neut chambers had been pleasantly warm, cosy in a soft, pinkish light. This room was hot and sticky, the air fetid, like a rainforest in advanced decay.
The stuff about the neut chambers came out of the blue, and then disappeared back into it. It opened the second paragraph, and the first paragraph had nothing connected to this information. Without knowing what a neut chamber is, how does it contrast with the hot room? And then the neut chamber had nothing to do with the narrative that followed.
I have to also assume that, when Dorothy asks what the difference is between a story question and a lack of clarity, she's really asking what the difference is between a story question and a question that a lack of clarity or information raises. Here it is.
A story question is a what's-going-to-happen-next kind of question. In contrast, the "neut chamber" reference provoked in me a what-the-heck-is-that-and-what-does-it-have-to-do-with-anything question. I didn't see how what a neut chamber is had anything to do with what was going to happen next, especially when we're not in one and it's in the character's past.
The what-the-heck question stopped me and took me out of the story. A story question propels you forward and takes you deeper into the story.
This is subjective, of course, so the question may have only sparked interest in Dorothy. I saw it as a waste of story time, which is my time, because of its lack of relevance.
For what it's worth.
And now, on to Flogometer #19.
The challenge: a first page that compels me to turn to the next page. Caveat: please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: the first Flogometer post is here.
There's a prize, too: I'll edit the first three chapters of the best entry's novel.
Here are the first 16 lines of number 19's novel:
The first time I died, I was too young to fully appreciate it.
There was no tunnel of bright light. No chorus of angels. No movie of my life playing as I rose up, freed from corporeal form.
But that was eighteen years ago, and right now I'm not sure how much longer I'll be conscious.
This time feels different. Instead of inky blackness, I'm keenly aware of my vital fluids soaking the concrete floor; the sharp, searing pain radiating from my shoulder. Ribs screaming with every attempted breath.
Lying on my right side, I notice tingling in my bluish fingertips. Not a good sign.
Gunshots overhead. Sounds like Samuel's .45, but I can't be sure.
I hear my name. It echoes, as though coming down a long hallway. Ray? No, Katz, not Ray. You're not that far gone.
Endorphins finally kick in. Raw pain steps down a notch. Still no chorus of angels, no tunnel of bright light, but I hear the projectionist cuing up the sneak preview.
At least the movie of my life features a bona fide A-List Hollywood star, so it should play well in the oversea markets.
Cut to green screen. Then the R-Rating by the Motion Picture Association of America. Love to
I turned the page. Snappy writing. Tension. Lots of story questions. I was a little confused by the projectionist, but that's paid off. The reference to the A-list star bothered me, too, but I was being swept along by the current of what promised to be a good story, so I glided over that. But, were I editing this, I'd suggest the author look for a way to make it more meaningful for the reader. Just a little bit.
Unfortunately, for this reader, this first page and part of the second was all a set-up for flashing back. Now, because this was all formatted in italics, I sorta had a hunch it was more of a prologue, but it was interesting. Note to author: I wouldn't use the italics. They're hard to read for many people, and not really necessary. I sure didn't want to inflict that much italicized text on readers of FtQ.
I have to assume we're flashing back to give me background that the author thinks I need to know. I need STORY, not information. But wait, there's more.
I knew who this writer was, and that he has a website. And on that website are the first 100 pages of this novel. It turns out that the scene we're flashing back to also has a dramatic opening. WTF? I didn't read deeply into the story, but I have to wonder why #19 started with the prologue rather than the real story. Maybe he didn't think the real story was interesting enough, didn't have a sharp-enough hook. If that's true, I'd urge him to work on that instead of fudging by including a preview (that's what the movie analogy was all about) of what's going to happen.
I'd rather he immersed me in the story from its best starting
point. We all have this problem now and then, including me. I've a
novel out in query mode, and one agent was kind enough to give me
feedback that suggests that I've been blinded by my own authorial
urges. I'm going to take a second look
Meanwhile, I think this writer has got the right stuff. Good writing, good pacing, knows how to raise story questions, and all that good stuff. Since this prologue was good enough to get me to turn the page, perhaps an agent or editor will forgive the fact that it doesn't continue on page 2 with the story he's hooked me into. Perhaps.
A note to commenters: you guys are doing a great job of adding insights for these brave writers. Number 7 has expressed appreciation for the promise of a better hook for the opening of her novel. Keep 'em coming.
Now there are 24
This is number 19 of 23 submissions to the Flogometer, but I'm adding one.
Mine.
And you put it to the test and give me feedback. After that, I'll ask for your recommendation for the "winner," the opening that best turns the page.
Meanwhile, if you have constructive comments for this writer, please give them. See you later.
For what it's worth,
Ray
Public floggings available. If I can post it here, send 1st chapter as an attachment and I'll critique the first couple of pages as I've been doing in the Flogometer.
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© 2007 Ray Rhamey