The challenge: a first page that compels me to turn to the next page. Caveat: please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Here are the first 16 lines of number 9's novel:
"Don't be afraid," Wulfram said.
Six-year-old Seamas felt a bony finger slide beneath the strip of silk knotted at the back of his head. His grandfather gave the blindfold a tug, as if to test his handiwork.
"Don't be afraid," the old man repeated. "Do you know why tonight is unlike any other?"
The Festival of Bright Nights was only beginning, yet the sky was the color of soot. Autumn was still two weeks away, but the wind shook the tall windows of Wulfram's library and pummeled them with tiny shards of ice. Neither of these was what Wulfram wanted to hear, though, so instead, Seamas reverted to scripture.
"Tonight the veil between the worlds is rent. Tonight Fershan people walk in the shadows between life and death. Grandda," he asked, "Will I walk in shadow tonight?"
Wulfram's fingers tightened around his shoulder, and Seamas could picture the line of his mouth growing hard, the dragon's feet tightening at the edges of his eyes. At last Wulfram's grip relaxed, and he pressed his lips to the top of Seamas's head.
"Shall we go?"
The muted laughter of Wulfram's followers echoed down the long hallway. As
Very nice. What's going to happen to Seamas? Why would he be afraid? Page turned. And not a lot of notes jump out at me. But I do have some thoughts.
This one is tough to handle: "Six-year-old Seamas." Because of the point of view, Seamas obviously wouldn't be thinking about his age, so this feels like an authorial intrusion. Yet it's important to know the boy's age. I suggest you look for a slightly more natural way to slip in his age. Your early mention of Wulfram being his grandfather does a good job of signaling that we probably have a boy here, but still doesn't say how young.
Here's a thought-starter: delay the age mention until just a little later.
"Don't be afraid," the old man repeated. "Do you know why tonight is unlike any other?"
Even though he was only six, Seamas knew how important the Festival of Bright Nights was.
Clarity issue: the following description threw me off and gave me pause:
. . . the wind shook the tall windows of Wulfram's library and pummeled them with tiny shards of ice.
Shards of ice from a window inside a house? I've seen heavy frost on the insides of windows in very, very cold weather in leaky houses, but not ice. I think this either needs to be clarified, i.e. why there's ice on the inside of a window/house, or changed.
There's a faint point-of-view slip in this sentence:
Neither of these was what Wulfram wanted to hear, though, so instead, Seamas reverted to scripture.
The way this is phrased, it's as if Seamas knows what Wulfram is thinking which, of course, he can't. I also thought the "though, so instead" part sort of tripped over itself. An alternative:
Seamas didn't think Grandda wanted to hear about those things, though, so he tried scripture instead.
A nit: The "W" after "he asked," in this sentence, "Grandda," he asked, "Will I walk in shadow tonight?" should be lower case.
And wouldn't the crinkles (dragon's feet, a nice phrase) appear at the corners of Grandda's eyes instead of the edges?
Good, strong writing. Excellent characterization in just a few words
Thanks for sharing your work.
This is number 9 of 23 submissions to the Flogometer. I'm aiming for
doing 2 per week day, and will take the weekend off (exciting times
If you have constructive comments for this writer, please give them. See you later.
For what it's worth,
Ray
Free edit. Email a sample for an edit that I can post here.
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© 2007 Ray Rhamey