Flogometer #7 -- despite its quality, resistible

Plug for a FtQ reader: Today Gregory Huffstutter is doing a guest column at Buzz, Balls & Hype on  'Roadblocking' your audience across multiple venues at once.

Now to the Flogometer.

The challenge: a first page that compels me to turn to the next page. Caveat: please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Here are the first 16 lines of number 7's novel:

I reflected later that if I hadn't been stupid and tried the joik when I should have been paying attention to my magic, none of the terrible events that followed would have happened. But I had a bad habit of doing the wrong thing at the wrong time, and anyway, who knew the world would change because of one song?

But I was young and stupid in those days, with my head in the clouds more often than before me on the ground where it needed to be. How often had my mother told me that Sámi gytrash could not afford to make a mistake?

For I'd been born a gytrash, the lowest of the low. Those of us who use magic draw upon nature for our skill. It is said this means we are nearly animals, or will soon become one. But even animals can hope and dream, though sometimes I'd forgotten how to do that. It's not easy to hold onto dreams when your world is a mining camp flung on the fringes of Novgorod.

Worse than being a gytrash, however, is being of Sámi blood, those folk whom the Novgorod princes subdued long ago in Grand Duchess Ekaterina's time. In those long-ago days, we Sámi tended our reindeer herds and jealously guarded them; the Novgorod killed our herds and swallowed up our land.

They say, too, that Sámi sorcerers are even more debased than the Novgorod ones

I really liked the writing in this. I liked the voice of the narrator in the first paragraph, before she/he goes into exposition. I thought the information in the exposition was interesting, and promised an entertaining world to visit.

But readers are harsh gods, and this one declined to turn the page because of all that well done exposition. I suspect I'll get lots of disagreement on this because of all the qualities just mentioned, but for this reader it lacked an essential quality: tension. It lacks it because, basically, nothing happens.

There's that great promise and line at the top -- who knew the world would change because of one song? -- but then we're treated to world building. Despite the attractiveness of that world, it wasn't able to hook me into the narrator and, since nothing was happening with her, nor was there any jeopardy or conflict on the near horizon, I suspected that, if I turned the page, I would be served more backstory.

I peeked. Sure enough, that's what fills page 2. All good stuff, all imaginative, but also all exposition, backstory, sidestory, anything but WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW. I didn't even learn where this character is or what he/she is doing. So there was no reason for me to wonder what was going to happen next.

I will wager, judging by the quality of the narrative we see here, that a grabber of an opening is down the road, waiting to wrap its fingers around my throat. But I wasn't in the mood to be generous -- nor, frequently, are agents, acquisition editors, and readers browsing in a bookstore.

I wonder if the moment the narrator mentions in the opening, trying the joik and not paying attention to his/her magic, would be the starting point? Sounds like an inciting incident. What went wrong? What consequences developed?

The writing was very clean, but there are a few notes I can contribute, so here they are.

First paragraph, fine. If it only led somewhere.

Second paragraph: the "head in the clouds instead of on the ground" sentence nagged at me in two ways. First, "head in the clouds" is a cliché, and it would be better if the narrator, should he/she continue in this vein instead of the story taking over, were to use a phrase more appropriate to the world she/he occupies. Also, I had a little trouble picturing his/her head being on the ground.

Third paragraph: some confusing elements. Do they draw upon nature for their skill, which seems like something that requires practice or training, or their power, the source of the energy/whatever that makes magic happen? Also, I didn't understand how a mining camp could be "flung." I'd delete that word.

Fourth paragraph: for me, a little too rich in strange names and terms to allow it to go down easily. It would be better to include this bit of history later. As it is, cutting out the reference to the Grand Duchess Ekaterina's time would help de-clutter it a little. That fact doesn't seem vital to the information.

Bottom line, though, this narrative slipped into "telling" immediately, and this reader has little patience with that. I'm hoping for a scene, not a report. While it's true that we may eventually need to know all of the information that these first two pages contain, I wish these facts had been small pearls strung loosely on a firm string of story.

I thank you very much for sending this sample. Very nice writing and imagining going on (but where's the beef?). And please keep in mind that my reactions, like those of everyone who reads this, are subjective (versus "reality").

This is number 7 of 23 submissions to the Flogometer. I'm aiming for doing 2 per week day, and will take the weekend off (exciting times -- a publisher has asked to see more content for a book based on FtQ, and I've got some work to do).

If you have constructive comments for this writer, please give them. See you later.

NOTE: To see all comments, go to the FtQ mirror site.

For what it's worth,

Ray

Free edit. Email a sample for an edit that I can post here.

ARCHIVES .

© 2007 Ray Rhamey