The challenge: a first page that compels me to turn to the next page. Caveat: please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
There's a prize, too: I'll edit the first three chapters of the best entry's novel.
Here are the first 16 lines of number 22's novel:
Mom always tells me my over-active brain sees meaning where there isn't any. "Sometimes a thunderstorm is just a thunderstorm, not a foretelling of bad things to come," she says. But that night, I knew what happened was a sign.
Cicadas rattled like maracas outside my bedroom window, as if it weren't September, as if winter wouldn't come. Luke's rhythmic breathing drummed a hypnotic lullaby, one smooth inhale followed by a flubbery exhale, in and out. A moist breeze drifted through the open window next to me. Perfect sleeping conditions.
Then a snap. Cracking branches. The shrubs outside. A robber? Ready to punch out my screen and climb in? I hugged my legs. I squeezed my eyes shut. More crunching, closer now. Fear pulsed through my head, arms and legs. And my brain did the weird thing it always does when I'm scared or anxious - it alphabetized. Whatever words echoed in my head. In this case, robber. B-E-O-R… B-E-O-R…
I knew I should leap up and slam the window shut. Instead my eyes slitted open for a peek.
My heart surged at the moonlit sight. An enormous white-tailed deer filled my window, so tall that two-thirds of the tree-like rack on his head disappeared above my window frame. He chewed leaves I recognized from the flowering bush Mom planted last spring.
Maybe just because it's late in the day and I'm tired (wonder if that ever happens to agents and acquisition editors?), but this didn't move me to turn the page. Some interest was roused, but just not enough to compel.
Perhaps the lack of clarity here and there combined with my weariness to deny this writer a turn. For example, the reference to Luke. Who is Luke? Where is Luke? What is Luke? When I peeked at the next page I learned that Luke was in a crib. That told me a lot, and I wished it had come on the first page. It would have been as easy as: In his crib on the other side of the room, Luke's breathing etc.
The alphabetizing confused me, too. In fact, I had to stop reading and work at it to figure out what he was doing. He said he alphabetized the words in his head, but I could see no relationship between B-E-O-R and the words he'd said. And then I figured out that he meant that he alphabetized the letters in the words in his head. Oh. I should not have had to figure this out.
Other things: The opening paragraph, other than the notion that a sign was coming, didn't contribute much other than to let me know that this was a kid. The second paragraph would have been more enticing for this reader.
And how would the narrator hear a "snap" when cicadas were like maracas outside his window? I've heard them, and they're LOUD.
There was a start on a suspenseful mood here, but I felt it could have been stronger. More "scary" action instead of details about leaves might have helped.
So, due to confusion and only moderate drama, I let this one pass. Sorry. But there's some nice writing here, although I see opportunities for tightening. I think that, with a child narrator, there's a temptation to overwrite just a little. This could be leaner, and crisper.
But many thanks for sending in your work. If you want to revise and send again for another look, let me know.
Now there are 24
This is number 22 of 23 submissions to the Flogometer, but I'm adding one.
Mine. I'm beginning a polish/rewrite of the latest WIP, and it would be good to have you folks put the opening lines to the test and give me feedback.
What's next on the Flogometer
There are two more submissions to look at
Thursday I'll let you know the entries I'm considering for the free edit and invite you to nominate the one you'd like to see get it. This is not a democracy, however: since I'm donating the work, it'll be something that really interests me, that promises good story and good writing.
Meanwhile, if you have constructive comments for this writer, please give them
More flogging?
A few folks have asked about receiving a quick flog like those I've been doing, and I'm happy to do more. In fact, this has been a regular feature of FtQ, but submissions had dribbled off.
After this week I'll likely return to my once-a-week schedule so, if there are people who want to have their work critiqued in this fashion, send your work as an attachment and I'll put you in the queue. Some who asked a couple of weeks ago will go to the head of the list.
For what it's worth,
Ray
Public floggings available. If I can post it here, send 1st chapter as an attachment and I'll critique the first couple of pages as I've been doing in the Flogometer.
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© 2007 Ray Rhamey