Flogometer #21—no spark for me

The challenge: a first page that compels me to turn to the next page. Caveat: please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

There's a prize, too: I'll edit the first three chapters of the best entry's novel.

Here are the first 16 lines of number 21's novel:

The phone rang.  Bruce Thackmeyer, said Caller ID.  Time to pay the piper.

"Hello?"

"Samantha, what the fuck happened to you?"

"I couldn't find you."

"I pulled into the gas station.  What did you do, just go home?  What about our plans to go to a bar?"

"Bruce, did you happen to notice you weren't supposed to make a left turn out of the parking lot?"

"So what?  The bar was in that direction."

My blood pressure jumped all over again.  "Bruce, why couldn't you have just turned right and then made a U-ey down the road?"

"Because it was too much trouble."

"It took you five minutes to get a break in traffic - which should have been a big jump on the Clue Train that there's a reason why the sign prohibits it - while people were stuck behind us. And of course it was only time enough for one car to turn, not two!"

"It wasn't that long -- "

Thanks, but no thanks. If the task for a first page is compelling narrative, for me a phone conversation in which two people I don't know (read "care about") bicker over which way to turn out of a parking lot doesn't clear the hurdle.

The writer as done many things right. Your writing is clean, and the dialogue works (as far as it goes). You open with a scene (sort of: there's no place described, we don't know where Samantha is or get any clues about her). You have something happening (but it's a phone call). You have conflict (but it's about how someone left a parking lot).

What it's short on is story questions. Let me modify that: story questions (just one would do) that tells me something really interesting is going to happen. What seems to have happened here is "throat-clearing."

And this opening is short on giving the reader a character's experience -- sights, sounds, smells, emotions, desires, frustrations. As it is, this could be a radio script that's bereft of drama. There's no context into which to imagine Samantha, no tonality. The "time to pay the piper" bit at the very beginning suggests that the conversation isn't expected to be something to her liking, but that's all we get.

I did, of course, peek to see what was on page 2. It seemed to be that Samantha is trying to ditch a guy she just had an unthrilling first date with. They argue about his driving a little more, and we get a little internal monologue about her feelings about Bruce and her wish to be done with him.

In what I've read, Samantha is passive -- or maybe passive-aggressive. There was no hint of any negative consequences to her ditching her date. I think the thing to do is to recommend that writer number 21 do to the same as writer number 20: visit my story as river post on the experience I think you should be trying to give the reader.

Find that moment just before your character's story boat dives into the rapids and see what happens if you start there. As it is, this narrative just doesn't (for me) light a fuse that feels like it will lead to dynamite.

Now there are 24

This is number 21 of 23 submissions to the Flogometer, but I'm adding one.

Mine. I'm beginning a polish/rewrite of the latest WIP, and it would be good to have you folks put the opening lines to the test and give me feedback.

What's next on the Flogometer

There are two more submissions to look at -- one more this afternoon, and one tomorrow morning. I'm going to take a break that afternoon and post the first 16 lines from my WIP sample on Wednesday morning to get your feedback.

Thursday I'll let you know the entries I'm considering for the free edit and invite you to nominate the one you'd like to see get it. This is not a democracy, however: since I'm donating the work, it'll be something that really interests me, that promises good story and good writing.

Meanwhile, if you have constructive comments for this writer, please give them -- I think they've been very helpful.

More flogging?

A few folks have asked about receiving a quick flog like those I've been doing, and I'm happy to do more. In fact, this has been a regular feature of FtQ, but submissions had dribbled off.

After this week I'll likely return to my once-a-week schedule so, if there are people who want to have their work critiqued in this fashion, send your work as an attachment and I'll put you in the queue. Some who asked a couple of weeks ago will go to the head of the list.

For what it's worth,

Ray

Public floggings available. If I can post it here, send 1st chapter as an attachment and I'll critique the first couple of pages as I've been doing in the Flogometer.

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© 2007 Ray Rhamey