Edit: timing and telling diminish a scene with potential

Susie sent the following opening to the first chapter of her novel.

Elaine quietly entered her father's hospital room. It was getting late. She was physically and emotionally exhausted. Approaching the bedside, she took his hand, very aware of the beeping monitors and the sound of the ventilator.

"Good night Daddy," she softly said, "I'll be back as soon as I can in the morning. I want to talk to your doctor before he leaves. George and Aunt Dianna will be in to see you as well. Get some rest, ok?"

To her surprise, he lightly squeezed her hand. He was looking at her. She smiled, "Do you know who I am?"

He paused, then gave her hand another weak squeeze. This was the first response she had gotten from him. Elaine was ecstatic. She smiled to encourage him.

"Do you know where you are?" There was no response. "Daddy you're in the hospital, you're sick. The doctors are going to make you well again."

A flash of comprehension entered Robert's eyes, like beacon shining into the murkiness of his fogged mind. He opened his eyes wide, a look of desperation on his face.

"What do you want? What is it? What's wrong?" Elaine said, looking desperately for the nurse call button. Robert's monitors beeped faster. A nurse hurried in and began checking his vitals.

"What's happening?" she asked the nurse.

"Your father seems to be agitated. You should let him rest," the nurse replied.

"I was talking to him. He can hear me," Elaine said, excitedly. "He squeezed my hand."

Suddenly, with what seemed like a great amount of effort, Robert lifted his arms and head trying to sit up. He fell back onto the pillow clutching Elaine's hand tighter. She searched her father's face. His brow was furrowed as his eyes pleaded for something.

"Daddy?"

The word escaped her lips. All the monitors and beepers were going wild. Elaine was frightened. The nurse called for help. Instantly there were people running into the room from the desk outside. She was told to leave as a nurse took her arm, forcefully pulling her toward the door.

"What's happening?" Elaine pleaded.

She heard one of the people in the room say, "He's crashing."

My thoughts: The writing is "clean," meaning not a lot of edits were needed, though I saw some tightening opportunities here and there.

Shortcomings are on the storytelling side. To my eye, they involve "telling" rather than showing in a number of places, and a reliance on adverbs. I was also not happy with references to "people" doing things where, in a hospital, I'm pretty sure they would be either doctors or nurses, and the lack of specificity seemed to sap meaning for me.

Notes on the sample as is:

Elaine quietly entered her father's hospital room. It was getting late. (Not much meaning here. Late at night? Late morning? Late afternoon? Why not give a time? Maybe relate it to her day -- she'd had a full day at the office and now five hours at the hospital, waiting.) She was physically and emotionally exhausted. (This is "telling." You need to portray her exhaustion so we can feel it. For example: All she wanted to do was crawl into bed. And cry. She didn't think she could be calm and composed for another minute.) Approaching the bedside, She took his hand, very aware of the beeping monitors and the sound of the ventilator. ("very" is a weak word, and I wonder if this couldn't be more evocative and yet still evoke her awareness. For example, "A beeping monitor and the hiss of the ventilator sounded loud in the room.)

"Good night Daddy," she softly said, "I'll be back as soon as I can in the morning. (Adverbs are the weaker way to go in description. Look for verbs that describe. Here, it seems like a whisper would be appropriate.) I want to talk to your doctor before he leaves. George and Aunt Dianna will be in to see you as well. Get some rest, ok?"

To her surprise, he lightly squeezed her hand. He was looking at her. (She should have already seen this. What was he doing when she entered? Eyes shut? Open but looking up? If his looking at her is a change, you need to clue us in, i.e. He opened his eyes and looked at her. By they way, try to avoid "was" and "-ing" verbs instead of simple past tense. They're mushier.)  She smiled, "Do you know who I am?"

He paused, then gave her hand another weak squeeze. This was the first response she had gotten from him. Elaine was ecstatic. (More "telling." Can't joy fill her heart, or excitement rush into her mind, or something?) She smiled to encourage him.

"Do you know where you are?" There was no response. "Daddy you're in the hospital, you're sick. The doctors are going to make you well again."

A flash of comprehension entered Robert's eyes, (Point of view: she can't know what his "flash" was. Technically, should be something like "flash of comprehension seemed to enter Robert's eyes…) like a beacon shining into the murkiness of his fogged mind. (point of view: she can't know whether his mind is fogged or lucid.)  He opened his eyes wide, a look of desperation on his face.

"What do you want?  What is it?  What's wrong?" (Three of these questions seems too much. I'd delete the first one, since his look was of desperation.) Elaine said, looking desperately for the nurse call button. (Another adverb, and a repetition of "desperate" from the previous paragraph. Use action, such as "She scrambled to find the nurse call button.") Robert's monitors beeped faster. A nurse hurried in and began checking his vitals.

"What's happening?" she asked the nurse.

"Your father seems to be agitated. You should let him rest." the nurse replied.

"I was talking to him. He can hear me," Elaine said, excitedly. (again, try to avoid adverbs, even if it takes longer to say. For example. Realizing that she had gotten louder with excitement, she lowered her voice and said, "He squeezed…etc.") "He squeezed my hand."

Suddenly, with what seemed like a great  amount of effort, Robert lifted his arms and head trying to sit up. He fell back onto the pillow clutching Elaine's hand tighter. She searched her father's face. His brow was furrowed as his eyes pleaded for something. Monitors and beepers were going wild.

"Daddy?"

The word escaped her lips. All the monitors and beepers were going wild. Elaine was frightened. (more telling. You could illustrate her emotion with internal monologue. For example: Oh, God, what was happening? "Daddy?" Why didn't he respond?) The nurse called for help. (how does she do this? Yell? (seems unlikely) Press a button? Step into the hall and call for someone? Show us.) Instantly there were people (Just "people?" Specifics help the reader. How about another nurse, followed by a doctor.) running into the room from the desk outside. She was told to leave as a nurse took her arm, forcefully pulling her toward the door. (I think this would be stronger without the "as" construction. And why not use dialogue? For example: A nurse took her arm and pulled her toward the door. "You've got to leave now.")

"What's happening?" Elaine pleaded.

She heard one of the people (Once again, be specific. She heard the doctor say, "He's…etc.") in the room say, "He's crashing."

This has potential to be a dramatic scene, and the protagonist's feelings about what causes him to "crash" have bearing on the later narrative. However, I didn't feel that entering a room was a terribly engaging opening.

Instead, what if the first sentence was:

After days of unconsciousness, her father opened his eyes and looked at her.

For me, something like that raises story questions immediately. Why was he unconscious? Will he be okay?

Then the scene could be set from within her point of view. For example, for a next paragraph, here's a thought starter:

The beeping monitor, the wheezing of the ventilator, the hospital smell of medicine vanished and Elaine gripped his hand. Joy brought tears to her eyes and a break in her voice when she said, "Do you know who I am?"

Anyway, those are some thoughts. Good luck, Susie.

For what it's worth.

Ray

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© 2006 Ray Rhamey