One of the first opportunities for a writer to break the spell he's
weaving in the reader's mind is when the time comes for describing a
character from within that character's point of view. We've all seen
the hackneyed "looks in a mirror" approach, and there are other clumsy
attempts to add description. For example:
She shook her long blonde hair out of her eyes.
What's wrong with that? In my view, if you're close in a character's
point of view, you don't include things the character would not think
or do. If your long blonde hair was in your eyes, the thought in your
mind wouldn't be to get your long blonde hair out of your eyes, it
would simply be to get it out of your eyes. In this example, it should
be: She shook her hair out of her eyes.
But, then, how do you work description in so that it seems natural
and not the author clumsily jamming in exposition. One thing to do is
to keep it to a minimum, especially if there's nothing remarkable about
the character's appearance that affects the story.
And don't forget that you've got a reader out there, ready and eager
to contribute to the vision. If you sketch in enough of a character's
appearance for the reader to distinguish the character from others, the
reader is perfectly capable of adding details to the picture in their
mind. Being a participant in building the scene is part of the fun of
reading. Use the description opportunity to create characterization
that the reader can't imagine on his own.
1. The "character thinks about himself" approach: the key to
using a character's internal monologue to describe himself is to
express it in terms of self assessment, not a list of features.
Here's an example from my coming-of-age novel. We're in a teenager
named Jesse's point of view. He's just remarked to his friend Dudley
about a girl they've just met who sparked a lot of interest in Jesse.
Dudley shrugged. "She was looking at you."
Jesse could think of only one word for what she had seen --
medium. Medium tall, medium brown hair, medium brown eyes, medium
looks, medium build (if he could shed a couple pounds). Medium nobody.
I've used Jesse's relatively low self esteem to give the reader
enough of a picture to go on. The passage continues, finding a way to
give the reader Jesse's age, but doing it within the context of
describing the girl, which leads to. . .
2. The "see one character through another's eyes" approach:
Jesse had figured the rancher's daughter for fifteen when they met
at the ranch house that morning, so he had a year on her. But she was
already the kind of girl a boy instantly undressed with his eyes.
It wasn't her body that had started his mental peep show, although
she was fun to look at. She was small, five feet tip to toe, if that.
His gaze had roamed happily down and back up slender, tanned legs
exposed by short shorts, but on top she was no Playmate of the Month.
It was a boldness in her green eyes that promised the stuff of
daydreams. And then her handshake had lingered, her fingertips trailing
across his palm as they left.
I feel that this technique is showing, via Jesse's feelings and
reactions about the girl, rather than telling. In this way the
description of the girl characterizes both of them --
it's much more than a simple snapshot, a list of features such as eye
color, height, weight, etc. We learn their ages and about how she
radiates a certain sexuality despite her youth.
Here's how Jesse's friend Dudley was described, using the "another's
eyes" approach. In this case, past history between the friends helps
characterize and describe at the same time:
Dudley moved in even slower motion. Big and powerful at six feet and
on the fat side, every year the Wildcat football coach came after
Dudley for the offensive line, and every year Dudley was too lazy for
all that exercise. But his strength didn't seem to help today.
At this point in the narrative, the boss, the owner of the ranch the boys are working for, arrives on the scene.
Mister Braun fit Jesse's picture of a Texas rancher. Stranding about
eye to eye with Jesse, he was lean, his tan skin like a tight leather
glove. Gray peppering his long black sideburns made him look old to
Jesse, maybe as old as forty.
The dust whitening his jeans looked like it belonged there, and the
sweat darkening his shirt and straw cowboy hat looked like hard work.
He wore heavy-duty shoes, not the boots Jesse had expected on a rancher.
You learn the boss's size -- eye to eye with Jesse, who was "medium" -- and have a picture of a middle-aged, lean man. But you also know something about his personality -- he works hard enough to sweat a lot and get dirty.
Descriptions can be lean (and I think should be, most of the time),
but sometimes, because the character's appearance is a factor in the
story because of how others react to her, I look for a way to build
more of a picture. Here are three pieces, all from the same chapter in a different novel, that describe Jewel, a woman in her twenties.
3. The "character reacts to others" approach:
Murphy's gaze went for its customary tour of her body --
yeah, she was wearing a sleeveless, scoop-neck top and a mini-skirt,
but what the hell, couldn't a girl enjoy a spring day without some slob
feeling her up with his eyeballs?
Okay, now we know how she's dressed, and are visualizing a woman
shapely enough to provoke such attention. The action continues with. . .
4. The "character reacts to events" approach:
The breeze that swirled around the tall office buildings reeked of
car exhaust, but her skin liked its touch even though the sky above was
its usual beige. She basked in the sun's warmth, imagining she could
feel it turning her gold-brown color a shade darker.
Now we have an image of her skin color, and get something about her
personality, a certain sensuality. But wait, there's more. . .
5. The "looks at a reflection" approach: I think you can do this as long as it reflects a true, in-character point of view response.
She stopped to eye a cupcake display in a restaurant window, then checked out her reflection. Her eyes -- a crazy ice blue donated by some honky ancestor --
jumped out at her. The reflection was dark, but she could still make
out the scar, a dark brown, three-inch trail curving down her face from
high on her cheekbone. Fuck that.
Jewel gave her body the once-over like Murphy had. Still lookin'
good...wait a minute, was that a little bit of extra tummy? She turned
sideways. Yep, gettin' poochy. She sucked in her gut and walked on, wrestling with whether to diet or exercise, or both.
This last descriptive part combines the "reflection" approach with
the "thinks about self" technique in, I think, a believable and natural
way. Her reflection is used to provoke thoughts that characterize, i.e.
her concern about her figure, without me "telling" the reader details
about her figure.
Here's a nice switch on the reflection approach from a client's work
that takes advantage of the fact that we all examine our own images
critically.
The scene is a karaoke bar, and there's a video freeze-frame of the character on a giant projection screen:
There is a picture of me and Lee frozen on the screen. He looks like
his usual gorgeous self; I look…okay. My hair looks nice. Long and dark
and strangely shiny given that I hardly ever remember to condition it.
It's my favourite feature (although I like my brown eyes, too). I could
have done with holding my stomach in more, but I don't look too bad; my
legs appear longer thanks to these fab low-waist jeans. My nose always
seems a little bit pointy in photographs. My mouth looks quite nice
because I've got lipgloss on; usually I think my lips are a bit thin.
You not only get visuals, but a sense of this character's critical feelings about herself.
So, next time you describe a character:
- Avoid jamming descriptive phrases into a character's pov: He embraced her with his muscular arms.
- Make a character's look at a reflection a description in terms self-assessment, not a recitation of features.
- Describe other characters in relation to the pov character to describe two people at once.
- Utilize a character's response to action, environment, events, etc. to slip in descriptive elements in a "natural" way.
- Use another character's pov to describe the protagonist (but don't head-hop to do it).
For what it's worth.
Ray
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© 2006 Ray Rhamey
