Flogging the Quill

Edit: fun, interesting, but…

Give this a read, then I'll line-edit and evaluate how well it works as the opening two pages of a novel manuscript. This is from Kathy. Thanks, Kathy.

"Amame, como nunca has amado a nadie," she whispered.

He touched his lips to hers. Their eyelids melted in unison as the moonlight draped across their naked bodies. He couldn't resist. His hands quivered as he followed the silhouette of her shape that had more curves than an airborne lasso. "Esta noche…sera' imposible de olvidar…" he panted as he clenched her meaty hips, ready to devour a fleshy cheek. Instead he gripped her dainty waist, pulled himself up, opened his mouth and …

"Oh my GOD! This is soooo corny…" Star squealed in disbelief. She laughed uncontrollably, covered her face with her hands and shook her head as if she had just been showered with a bucket of confetti. The gigglefest simmered to a shaky smirk and she peeked over her shoulder. She didn't want anyone to see her ogle at the latest issue of El Solitaro: Jinete Sin Fronteras. She didn't understand the Spanish conversation bubbles, but she did know it was a juicy, racy and deliciously nasty Mexican romance comic - and it was chock full of lusting couples going at it.

"Woo hoo! What a way to kick start a Thursday morning!" she thought.

Star squirmed in her chair and turned the five-inch page to see the rest of the full-on nookie fiesta that took place at the top of a lush grassy meadow.

"This is so vulgar! Obscene! Beyond filthy!...And I love it, muy perfecto!" she thought, just as her dreadlocked dad tapped his knuckle on the purple molding that framed her doorway. The abrupt interruption startled her enough to drop the comic.

"Why does he always have to pop in at the worst possible moment? My love life has been on hold for three years, I need to finish this shrine to give to Diego, like right NOW! " she thought.

"Estrella, please…it's not even 7," he shouted over the bouncy Bollywood soundtrack that pumped from her stereo speakers. He tugged his tie-dyed tank over his head and continued. "I'm all for Indian pop songs, but not before I've had my double shot of Sumatra. Respeto?"

Star slid the dirty comic under the army green matte board that lined her art table. Eee gads. Hopefully his eyes were too gunked up with goop to notice her scandalous periodical. Oh, who cares?

"Hey, Daddy? What does Amame como nunca has amado a nadie mean?"

He approached her table and lifted her face that glowed with a café con leche complexion. It was one of an unblemished ingénue. One that had yet to experience tragedy, heartache or even sorrow. Well, except when she was 12 and her pet turtle, Ozzy, met his demise in a bucket of New Year's Eve menudo.

The opening paragraphs grabbed me and I enjoyed reading them. The narrator's bouncy, energetic voice is great fun and entirely enjoyable. First a little line editing, and then my thoughts on this as an opening. Caveat: all any editor can offer is opinion -- my cuts, additions, and comments are suggestions, not facts, to be used or discarded by the writer.

"Amame, como nunca has amado a nadie, " she whispered.

He touched his lips to hers. Their eyelids melted in unison as the moonlight draped across their naked bodies. He couldn't resist. His hands quivered as he followed the silhouette of her shape that had more curves than an airborne lasso. "Esta noche…sera' imposible de olvidar…" he panted as he clenched her meaty hips, ready to devour a fleshy cheek. Instead he gripped her dainty waist, pulled himself up, opened his mouth and …

Star squealed, "Oh my GOD! This is sooo corny." …" Star squealed in disbelief. She laughed uncontrollably, (I've never been able to picture what "uncontrollably" means. Show behavior that illustrates what's happening.) covered her face with her hands and shook her head as if she had just been showered with a bucket of confetti. The gigglefest ("gigglefest" is fun, but doesn't seem like uncontrollable laughter to me) simmered to a shaky smirk and she peeked over her shoulder. She didn't want anyone to see her ogle at the latest issue of El Solitaro: Jinete Sin Fronteras. She didn't understand the Spanish conversation bubbles dialogue balloons(that's what they're called), but she did know it was a juicy, racy and deliciously nasty Mexican romance comic - and it was chock full of lusting couples going at it.

(Big logic flaw. This is a Spanish comic. The narrator doesn't understand the dialogue balloons. So where does the purple English prose describing the action come from? Has to be the narrator. So it reads like a bad romance, which is what I found so much fun, but it turns out that it's not. I don't know how to solve this, but it took me right out of the story.)

"Woo hoo! What a way to kick start a Thursday morning! " she thought. (For internal monologue, I think it's much smoother to just put the thoughts -- in the same tense as the narrative -- without using "she thought" or quotation marks. And using quotes makes it the same as dialogue, which would be confusing.)

Star squirmed in her chair and turned the five-inch page to see the rest of the full-on nookie fiesta (Love this!) that took place at the top of a lush grassy meadow.

"This is so vulgar! Obscene! Beyond filthy!...And I love it, muy perfecto!" she thought, just as her dreadlocked dad tapped his knuckle on the purple molding that framed her doorway. The abrupt interruption startled her enough to drop the comic.

(How I'd do this paragraph: It was so vulgar! Obscene! Beyone filthy! Mui perfecto!) (and then, to avoid a clumsy "as" construction: Her dad tapped his knuckle on the purple molding that framed her doorway. Startled, she dropped the comic. I cut "dreadlocked" because she's not looking at her dad.)

"Why doesdid he always have to pop in at the worst possible moment? MyHer love life has had been on hold for three years, Ishe needed to finish this shrine to give to Diego, like right NOW! " she thought.

"Estrella, please…it's not even 7seven(spell out numbers below 100)," he shouted over the bouncy Bollywood soundtrack that pumpinged from her stereo speakers. He tugged his tie-dyed tank over his headdreadlocks and continued. "I'm all for Indian pop songs, but not before I've had my double shot of Sumatra. Respeto?"

He approached her table and lifted her face that glowed with a café con leche complexion. It was one of an unblemished ingénue. One that had yet to experience tragedy, heartache or even sorrow. (Suddenly we're out of her head for a description. This is bad form for close 3rd person, which the author is using. Need to find another way to describe her) Well, except when she was 12twelve and her pet turtle, Ozzy, met his demise in a bucket of New Year's Eve menudo. (When you use foreign words that are not commonly known or given meaning by the context, you should include a translation. Let's say "menudo" means "barf." In this case, you would write… a bucket of New Year's Eve menudo, barf. I looked menudo up in two online dictionaries and was informed that it means "slight." So this makes no sense whatsoever -- if the writer means a colloquial meaning for the word, it's even more important to include the meaning.)

As the opening of a novel, a strong start (except for the logic problem), but in the 2 pages that are posted here, no tension develops. No sign of any kind of problem for Estrella. So, while this opens with something happening and a strong voice (good), what is happening, as far as the protagonist is concerned, is benign (bad, from a hook point of view). I'm sure that later on the true, involving, compelling opening to this story is there. Kathy needs to pinpoint that and begin with it.

For what it's worth.

---

I'm still wanting your help with a novel. Please. I've sprouted doubts about the opening chapter of one of my novels...I'm thinking maybe I should cut it and start with Chapter 2. But then, I had good reasons for Chapter 1. So.... if you could spare a few minutes, how about reading the first 4 chapters (posted on my editing website) and giving me your opinion? Should I keep Chapter 1? Lose Chapter 1? Keep it but find a way to do it later? Any other feedback will, of course, be entirely welcome. To help out, please go here when done with today's post. Thanks.

RR

Free edit in exchange for posting permission. You send a sample that you have questions about and of which you'd like an edit. I won't post it without your permission.

ARCHIVES .

© 2005 Ray Rhamey

Story as garden

But first, your help wanted. Please. I've sprouted doubts about the opening chapter of one of my novels...I'm thinking maybe I should cut it and start with Chapter 2. But then, I had good reasons for Chapter 1. So.... if you could spare a few minutes, how about reading the first 4 chapters (posted on my editing website) and giving me your opinion? Should I keep Chapter 1? Lose Chapter 1? Keep it but find a way to do it later? Any other feedback will, of course, be entirely welcome. To help out, please go here when done with today’s post. Thanks.

---

Enjoying one of my favorite films the other night -- The Abyss -- I was reminded of the need for effective "seeding" of character and other actions. The film does it very well.

For example, at one point one of the roughnecks in the crew holds up a massive fist and tells a buddy that "they used to call this the hammer." That so nicely set up a time much later in the film when he knocks the bad guy head over keister with one mighty punch. Because of the setup, it was absolutely credible.

Another fine setup had to do with Bud's (the hero) wedding ring. After a spat between him and Lindsey, his about-to-be-divorced wife (and heroine), he throws his wedding band in a toilet. Leaves. Comes back and fishes the ring out. Cut to extreme close-up of wedding band going back on his finger.

While this seems all pointed at characterizing him and his feelings about her -- and it is -- that's not everything it does. Much later in the film the hull is breached and the hold he is in is flooding. He dashes for an already-closing hatch door and manages to put a hand into the gap. Ordinarily his hand would have been crushed by the hydraulic door, but it's not. Yep, his wedding ring stops the door from closing all the way. Rescuers come and the door is opened.

Without the previous setup, the ring-stopping-the-door trick would have been a mini deus ex machina and a laughable coincidence. Both of these "seedlings," and others in the film, worked so well because they didn't call attention to themselves and just seemed like normal parts of what was happening. Thank you, excellent screenwriter, for making things work so well.

Of course a mystery writer must plant clues -- interesting how even the language for doing this kind of thing is from gardening -- but the rest of us need to pay attention to our seeding as well, for both action and characterization.

In a romance novel I just finished editing, almost at the end of the book the heroine is groped in a public place by a man (her previous lover) whom she assumes to be her current love (her back is turned). She goes along with it because they've made love in risky places before (that part has been set up just fine). As bad luck would have it, her guy bursts in on the scene. Despite her sincere explanations, he goes into a jealous snit and declares that the relationship won't work. Goodbye.

All good grist for the romance mill…but for one thing. The guy has been Mister Adoring Puppy the whole way. He has accepted her dalliance with a celebrity in the beginning of the relationship, including a hot sleepover. He has been accommodating in every way, constantly declaring his love with words and actions. That's another thing I'm going to talk to the writer about -- the guy is just too perfect. No flaws. No character arc, really. No contention between he and she except for the before-mentioned snit.

The problem with how he reacted to this incident was that the motivation for a strong jealous reaction had never been set up. To do so was out of character for this guy. Luckily, it doesn't have to be, and I was able to suggest to the writer how to fix it by drawing on other material already in the story. It seems that her first love was jealous and would, whenever she even spoke to another man, come to her, put his arm around her, and interfere. If the writer has Mr. Perfect do something similar (an action to which she can react, thereby inserting even more characterization for her) and exhibit a bit of jealousy, then his motive for the later scene will be established and it will be credible.

Allow me to cite an example of "post-seeding" from a work in progress. About a third of the way into the novel the female protagonist needs to be pulled out of a suicidal dive caused by the tragic death of her once-in-a-lifetime love. She encounters a small boy who seems to suffer from autism. She is a healer, and is sympathetic, but when I got to that scene his condition and innocence didn't seem like motive enough to stir her from her depression.

So what would? How about if the child reminded her in a very specific, powerful way of the man she loved and lost? So I went back to the scene leading to the lover's death and gave him a "little-boy-lost" look that always melted the heart of my protagonist. Then I had her see that same look in the eyes of the boy. She was done for, and that stimulus started her on the path of helping the child, which ultimately brought her back to emotional life.

So seed your novel with small things early on that grow to be significant, even if still in small ways. And don't hesitate to go back and plow up early ground already covered to plant the antecedents of characters and events.

For what it's worth.

RR

Free edit in exchange for posting permission. You send a sample that you have questions about and of which you'd like an edit. I won't post it without your permission.

Contributions: visitors have asked for a way to compensate me for my advice. It all helps. Click here.

© 2005 Ray Rhamey

Report from Writer's Weekend writer's conference

I did the world's first-ever "Flash Edit" workshop at the Writer's Weekend conference in Seattle Thursday night (the 9th). I'm pleased to say that it went well...and I had been concerned that it wouldn't.

The deal was that writers would send me the openings of their novels that would be edited during the workshop, thus "flash" (instant). I was concerned because only three writers had sent samples and I had an hour and a half to fill. More than that, this was the first time I've ever attempted this kind of workshop--who knew how it would go?

Turned out that three submissions was perfect. I passed out copies of a narrative to the audience, they read it, and then I asked for comments, edits, etc. from them. By the way, every member of the audience wrote fiction, and at least three-quarters had a novel in progress.

After discussing audience suggestions and ideas, I gave my own thoughts. I'd planned to do a line edit using a projector to show the process, but that seemed dull and I abandoned most of that, just doing bits here and there to show how to tighten up the narrative.

I later spoke with the three novelists who had submitted samples and they told me they were encouraged by the session and that they'd been helped a lot. Two of them may be contacting me for an edit when they're finished with their projects. It was a cool experience for me, to help these writers and the others in the audience through critical looks at narrative. Everybody learned something, including me.

And Karen Junker, the organizer of the conference, told me yesterday that, because of the feedback she got about my "Flash Edit" session, she wants me to come back next year. I enjoyed it, so that looks like a distinct possibility.

Friday morning I went to a session paneled by editors Melissa Singer and Anna Genoese of Tor Books along with agent Evan Fogelman. Their topic was "Size Counts" (which gave me no clue as to what they were going to talk about).

Turns out it was about credentials a writer might offer in a submission letter, specifically about self-published results. But the topic broadened into what credentials might have an impact on these two editors and the agent.

My notes on credentials for submissions by unpublished novelists:

• You lose points if you mention an MFA in creative writing.
• You gain points if your occupation relates to the novel/genre, i.e. a nurse writing a romance about a nurse or a physicist writing science fiction.
• Winning a top contest or two is good. Coming in third should not be mentioned.
• No bribes (candy, other gifts) (except for the occasional case of Scotch IF the editor is into it) (just kidding, the editor said).
• The agent said that his best single predictor for a successful genre novel was that the writer was also an avid reader of the genre.
• A published romance writer who wants to do fantasy might as well have no credentials because they don't carry over.
• At Tor, credentials only count AFTER they've bought your novel (to use to publicize, leverage buzz, etc.) because...
• Writers with no credentials get equal treatment because Tor editors look at everything that comes in.

The editors confirmed my thesis that rejections often happen on the basis of the first page. Every couple of weeks Tor gathers all the editors together and they work at clearing out the stacks of "slush" that have accrued. They work a couple of hours at it, and the editors emerge with small stacks that they'll read more of later because a cursory look showed promise, and then maybe ask for a complete manuscript.

Caution: ignore submission guidelines at your own peril. Submissions that do are one step closer to the rubbish bin, if not already in it.

Notes on the cover/query letter. At Tor, you don't need anything more than:

• What the genre is.
• Word count.
• Title.
• The agent would like a little about the story, too. The Tor editors agreed that was fine, but not really necessary.

That's because it's the work that counts with the Tor editors. But you'd better get it right from the first paragraph, 'cause they don't fool around.

Speaking of size, one writer asked what the word count of a novel ought to be. The answer from Tor is between 75,000 and 100,000 words. Over 100,000 and costs start to become a problem, and under 75,000 isn't enough length to support the desired cover price (for mass market paperbacks).

It's good to have insights from the insiders.

Later,

Ray

Free edit in exchange for posting permission. You send a sample that you have questions about and of which you'd like an edit. I won't post it without your permission.

Donations: visitors have asked for a way to compensate me for advice they'd found helpful. Click here.

© 2005 Ray Rhamey

You need trouble in River City

In The Music Man, things really get going when Robert Preston sings "You got trouble in River City." Of course, most of the trouble in River City that develops is for his character, saleshuckster Harold Hill.

The reason I'm bringing this up is that I've just finished the first pass of an edit of a romance novel. The first-person narrative features a lively, fun voice. It's chock full of interesting events and places and humor. There's love… sex… sorrow… betrayal… There's all of that, but it's missing one key ingredient: trouble.

Actually, there is trouble now and then for the highly likeable protagonist, but the kind of trouble I'm looking for in a story is trouble that does a few things:

• Prevents the protagonist from getting something she wants. Badly wants.
• Seems difficult, if not impossible, for the protagonist to overcome.
• Causes the protagonist to take action do deal with it.

In the novel I'm editing, and in other novice fiction I've dealt with, the character is reactive, not proactive. An event happens, she sort of bounces off and keeps moving (or meandering) without dealing with it directly, without taking action. More than that, her troubles are resolved by the actions of others in the character's life, not by her.

In this novel, the protagonist has a sex-only lover that she doesn't like, but she can't give up her addiction to the great sex. Does she do anything about it? Nope, just goes along until he drops her for another woman. For no reason. What does our gal do?

Not much. Just keeps going to work, now sexless. No big regrets, no big loss. Then she meets a nice, charming, gentle hunk of a guy who is immediately attracted to her. But she's decided that nice and great sex never come in the same package and ignores him. He pursues her and, partly because of the urging of her best girlfriend and roomie, finally hooks up with him. No sweat.

Later, after the obligatory break-up after the obligatory misunderstanding, she gets him back. But only because he makes the effort. She just has to wait for him to show up. No pain, no strain.

Unless the author can do something about the lack of trouble for her protagonist, for this reader the novel, as pleasant as it is, will never reach the compelling level it needs to succeed with an agent or a publisher. There's just no pain. Throughout the story you're never worried about this character. She never initiates action that could put her at risk, and the actions of others resolve what risk there is.

In a way, this post is directed to that writer (and I will be saying these things in my critique of the manuscript). Somewhere in your novel you've got to start the reader worrying about the protagonist. Will she be hurt? Will she suffer? Will he survive the attack? Will he able to dance after both legs are blown off? Will she fail after all? Momentarily, the reader has to have the feeling that the protagonist is not going to be able to handle things, can't see any way the character will be able to get out of her trouble in River City. And then the character has to DO something.

It's that anticipated pain, that "oh, no, it seems impossible" that creates the tension that makes a story compelling. Danger ahead. Trouble behind.

And then there's success. If a character succeeds in a story, it needs to be because she has overcome great obstacles at the cost of character-changing effort. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to tell my client that her novel falls short in this respect, too.

• She ends up with a successful love…but only because the guy makes all the effort.
• She ends up with a successful career…but only because luck brings others to her with opportunities.

This character never has to risk anything to get her heart's desire. Where's the story in that? Her life could, indeed, reflect the way a real life goes. Stuff happens, you react, you go with the flow, things can turn out well, they might not in the great pinball machine of real life. But a story…a story has to show us how human beings can deal with adversity. I recently saw an interview with the playwright Edward Albee, and he said something that he felt art's purpose was to hold up a mirror and show us as we are. And that, if we didn't like what we saw, to change it. He didn't say, but I will, if we like what we see, change ourselves to be that way, too.

But he is talking about a mirror that reflects people in action. Characters doing things, both profound and foolish. Characters failing, and characters succeeding… because they strived.

You know the cliché -- chase a character up a tree and throw rocks at him until he figures out a way to get down. And to stop you from throwing those damned rocks.

What a dull read a novel is without rocks a-flying and trouble a-coming. Stir up trouble in River City. It may not make your character happy, but we're gonna love it.

I think my client has what it takes to make the changes, but it's going to take work and creativity. And a deeper understanding of the nature of storytelling.

I know you know all of this, so consider it a reminder. I know I need it.

For what it's worth.

RR

Free edit in exchange for posting permission. You send a sample that you have questions about and of which you'd like an edit. I won't post it without your permission.

Donations: visitors have asked for a way to compensate me for my advice. It all helps. Click here.

© 2005 Ray Rhamey

Coming soon to a conference near you (if you're in Seattle)

Just a brief announcement. I'll be doing a "flash edit" workshop next Thursday, June 9, at the Writers Weekend in Seattle. See link in sidebar for more info. If you're there, I hope you'll stop by.

And thanks to the folks who responded to the request for critiques of the chapter below. I didn't receive very many, and the ones I did get were verrrry brief, so I'll assume the writing was just so darned slick that few negatives were noticed -- that's more satisfying than assuming the opposite.

I'll be back this weekend with a new edit-type post and hope to resume a more regular schedule of posts thereafter.

See ya.

Ray