Some issues and shortcomings in the opening pages of the posted chapter are crystallizing. Here's what Jade offered:
I like the characterization (the president's accent basically works for me), but I would work on the rhythm of the background info, the viewpoint, and some other small issues.
To get the small issues out of the way: first, I dislike the present tense. While I get used to it as paragraphs pass, it's a stumbling block for me at the beginning.
It works for some, not for others. It's a risk I'm prepared to take. The whole thing was in past tense except for a dream sequence (2nd chapter). It got to where everything but that felt flat to me, and changing the tense brought it to life.
Second, the names threw me. If I see Karl as a presidential advisor, I assume Rove, and then I'm confused by how fictionalized this world is supposed to be. I also have the West Wing Leo association mentioned above. Both of these would be easier for me if Karl's and Leo's last names were more prominent, but even so again they're a stumbling block.
Have changed Karl to Kurt. Don't know about the other. I hate to change a good name because of associations with a TV character, but I don't want trip wires in the narrative either.
Third, how did he have two questionable Electoral College votes? Every state has at least three.
Yeah, but can't the total could differ by less?
Now as for the info-dropping. I don't get a clear sense at all of who the Allies are. They're not related to WW2, which would be my first guess (again a stumbling block). They've apparently taken over Oregon and done something weird about guns, but they're not a political party, even though the blurb suggests they're a "citizen movement". Really they sound like a cult. I haven't yet gotten the sense that they're an interesting threat.
You're not supposed to have a clear sense of the Allies, but should be curious, and know that these characters consider them a strong threat. If you don't think they're an interesting threat yet, maybe the rest of the chapter will get you there. Actually, it's okay for them to sound like a cult at this stage. I wish I'd posted the whole thing first time out because some of this reaction might not have occurred.
You're working in an imagined future, so you might want to take a look at science fiction world-building advice. In this case it's near future, so you have to be able to quickly tell the reader both what's different from our world and what's the same. The bit about losing one or both houses of Congress is particularly helpful in this case, as it suggests the political equation is about the same between Republicans and Democrats as today.
I'm of mixed feelings on this. The novel once started with "Not many years from now, this happens…" Also, I've cut the houses of Congress bit, so that no longer helps. I think any state getting rid of guns is a big clue. The second chapter starts to differentiate further with a picture of a dark world.
A mention of a political party name would help ground it further - it's easy to assume these people are Republicans, but you haven't actually said it.
Didn't want to. The way politicians kowtow to opinion polls, who knows who'll be in favor of what in the future?
Finally viewpoint. This appears to be basically from Karl's viewpoint, but the views expressed aren't his. Every time Karl thinks a rhetorical question, I stop believing it's him talking (i.e. "Who knew we needed them that much?").
I think a person can have an objective view of things even if a party hack. I'm certain there are many Republicans who understand and regret the consequences of pissing off the rest of the world. On the other hand, if the narrative bursts the bubble of credibility, I need to do something.
I can't buy into a story where the author's opinions overwhelm the characters', even when the characters who don't agree with the author. There's a piece of writing wisdom, "The villain thinks he's the hero", that you use once ("I fear what will happen to this country in the hands of the opposition."), but it needs to be used consistently. I wonder if you're starting with the wrong characters? Starting with someone you sympathize with might make it easier to later give your villains their due.
Lots of books start with antagonists. Besides, the heroes in this
story have very dark sides as well. But your comment about author's
opinions is good
Overall, I haven't put the book down yet because I want to know who the Allies are, but you haven't grabbed me. The viewpoint bugs me the most. I have some sympathy for Karl (I'd have more if I didn't keep bouncing out of his head). I'm curious to meet the honest Attorney General (oh, and thanks for having one female character in the first few pages, since all-male casts quickly irritate me - speaking of which, why are all the Secret Service agents male? [I finally saw that the other day and changed it to "agents." Good catch. RR] or is that just Karl's assumption?). Basically at this point I'm looking for a hero. Maybe in the next excerpt?
On the President/Allies conflict, which people have suggested isn't grabby enough: I think what's missing is the sense of urgency. Sure, the President called Karl a week ahead of their usual meeting (which made me assume they have a monthly meeting, for what the assumption is worth), but he hasn't said why he called yet. What's the precipitating event? Have the Allies suddenly taken over another state? Has a state passed some law the President hates? My guess for the most plausible tipping point is that the President has just gotten a new poll putting him under some threshold approval rating, as the Allies continue to win converts, and he's realized that their movement is growing rather than fizzling out as he thought before. Whatever it is, you need to tell the readers, preferably in the first page but certainly within the space of the excerpt you gave.
The urgency point is a good one. As you'll see in the rewrite, I've tried to address it.
In addition, we know it's spring, but which spring is it? Is it six months to the election or 18 or 30? Adding a timeframe to "is Leo talking about losing one of the houses?" would help with that. I'm suspecting six months, so "is Leo suggesting we'll lose one of the houses in November?" Really it all should be tied to Leo losing the presidency also, since that's his main worry. As it is, all we've read so far is that the President thinks the Allies are killing him out West. There's no reason that couldn't have waited for Karl's regular get-together. Why is this urgent? You probably know, but as a reader I don't yet, and I need to.
All good points. The rewrite simplifies and focuses and, I hope has more tension. We'll see, won't we? One more post of comments, then the revised chapter.
I'll tell you, this has been a big help to me. This chapter was added to the story very late in the game, and never critiqued. To be honest, I always felt a little uneasy about the tone of some portions, but was never motivated to dig for the reason why because my agent seemed satisfied.
RR
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© 2005 Ray Rhamey