The "incredibles" appear when you have a character do something either improbable or impossible. I see manuscripts peppered with little impossibilities and improbabilities. I suspect that many readers would never notice them. At least consciously. If noticed, they can take a reader out of your story and damage your credibility. The suspension of disbelief may be destroyed. I suspect that they are noticed at some level, even if not consciously, and do their damage. Here are some from work I've edited.
He clenched his teeth and said, "I could kill you."
"You always wanted to fly, Erin," he said through gritted teeth.
Okay, now you clench and or grit your teeth and try saying anything intelligible. You'll note that not only are you not able to talk well, but your character would look darned silly trying to talk this way.
(There's a bone on the ground.) I bent down, gingerly touching the small, gray bone.
This is a subtle one. The sentence says he touched the bone as he bends down, but that's not right because the bone is on the ground and he can't touch it until after he bends down. More accurately: I bent down and gingerly touched…etc.
He snarled silently.
A snarl is a sound, so you can't snarl silently. Your mouth can curl as if snarling, though.
Here's a perennial favorite. I've done a number on using "eyes" in a silly way. Here are a couple of examples:
We stood for a long moment, our eyes locked.
So these people put their faces so impossibly close together that their eyes locked together?
Arlene shifted her eyes to the piles of vegetables.
Really, eyes are much more functional when they stay in your head, don't you think?
Here's another "eye" thing:
She wiggled to a sitting position, her eyes sleepy but bright, tugging at the neck of her footy-pajamas.
This sentence has this person tugging at the neck of her jimmies with her eyes. Weird.
I wrapped myself around him and we dropped to our knees.
This leads you to picture someone wrapping their arms and legs around someone else, right? And then they drop to their knees? Naw.
I watched Ellen and her friend drive back to Studio City in their BMW as I waited for someone to answer my call.
Unless this character is in a helicopter or hot air balloon, he/she can't watch someone drive to another city. The writer really meant "depart for."
The voices began, too low to be heard.
If the character knows the voices begin, then they are heard. The writer meant that the words couldn't be understood because the voices were too low.
She stood in the doorway blocking out the light on each side.
This means that the person was wider than the doorway, which seems highly unlikely.
(a man looks at a diapered baby) I saw instantly that the baby was wet.
Nope. You feel whether or not a diaper is wet, but you can't really see it, especially nowadays with disposable diapers.
These illustrate the need for fresh eyes. Sharp, picky eyes. Eyes that do not leave heads but instead stay there and search for the incredibles.
For what it's worth.
RR
Free edit in exchange for posting permission. You send a sample that you have questions about and of which you'd like an edit. I won't post it without your permission.
Tip Jar: visitors have asked for a way to compensate me for my advice. It all helps. Click here.
© 2005 Ray Rhamey