Query letters to agents: what makes a good one?

My usual position on query letters is that I'm no expert and that I can't tell you how to write a successful one. But then it occurred to me that I am an expert on one email query letter -- the one that generated requests for material from 9 out of 10 agents that I queried using the techniques outlined in my post about using Publishers Marketplace for scouting. This was after a half-dozen other efforts for the same novel over a few years that had generated half that many responses.

So there could be something to be learned from a look at it. Here's the opening of the e-query that provoked a request for 75 pages of my manuscript from an established agent (although she ultimately passed on the ms):

Dear Ms. Agent,

I see in Publishers Marketplace that you've recently made deals for debut novels, including a thriller...does that mean you're an agent who's willing to look at "new" writers and novels that take the chance of not being more of the same?

I've made my living with creative writing for over 25 years, first in advertising as a writer and creative director, then in screenwriting, and now as a writer/editor (so I'm not exactly new at this business). I have an Internet editing service for book-length manuscripts as well. I've written 3 novels and a 4th is in progress. I'm determined to become a published novelist. Now for the novel I'm querying, titled "We the Enemy."

Jack Cady ("The Hauntings of Hood Canal," St. Martins Press, 2001) took a look at the manuscript and said, "Ray is a writer of skill and great integrity. He does not take short cuts, and he will always tell you a first-rate story."

Next came the story pitch, and I'll get to that. First, a look at four elements that I think were factors in the query's success:

Personalization: The opening, based on information from researching the agent on Publishers Marketplace, worked to show her that I had done my homework and that this was not a shotgun approach.

Credits: I offer no publishing credits, but I make it clear that I'm no stranger to professional writing.

Professional voice: the tone is brisk and businesslike. There's no "Have I got a bestseller for you!" nonsense.

A blurb: I was outlandishly fortunate that a generous published author was kind enough to read my manuscript and give me a quote. Mr. Cady spoke at a meeting of the local writer's association that I belong to and then, months later, I contacted him through a fellow member who knew him. I'm sorry to say that Jack Cady passed away last year -- I will always be grateful to him. Perhaps you can, with due diligence, get a local published author or an editor to give you a blurb to establish the professional quality of your manuscript. Can't hurt to try.

Here's the complete letter that interested the man who became my agent.

One of your clients calls you a hungry agent. Well, I'm a hungry writer and editor. I've made my living with creative writing for over 25 years, first in advertising as a writer and creative director, then in screenwriting, and now as a writer/editor. I also have an Internet editing service for book-length manuscripts. I've written 3 novels and a 4th is in progress. I would like to send you any or all of the completed 97,000-word manuscript for a novel of speculative suspense titled We the Enemy.

Author Jack Cady (The Hauntings of Hood Canal, St. Martin's Press, 2001) took a look at my manuscript and said, "Ray is a writer of skill and great integrity. He does not take short cuts, and he will always tell you a first-rate story."

The story: In a troubled near future, the President and his party are about to lose the upcoming national election. Reforms by a citizen organization called the "Allies" have weakened his support among NRA and fundamentalist supporters in the Pacific Northwest.

In Oregon, the Allies are getting rid of guns, have closed the Fifth-Amendment loophole crooks use to escape testifying, and the crime rate is plunging. It's no longer business as usual for the violent, corrupt and crooked.

But in Chicago, gangbangers still swagger on downtown sidewalks at noontime, guns on display. A cop openly sells a killer drug. A single mother and legal secretary, Jewel Washington, struggles for dignity and safety and doesn't get either.

Jake Black, an ex-spy trapped in an emotionless fog since the deaths of his wife and daughter, is purposeless, adrift and a deadly gun for hire. When the President initiates a secret, private attack to stop the Allies leader, Jake Black gets the job. The lives of Jake and Jewel intertwine when violence erupts.

Once in the Allies' headquarters town in Oregon, both Jake and Jewel collide with mores and laws that challenge everything they are, and are not. Then the President's men assassinate the Allies' leader, and a return to anarchy seems inevitable.

A story of vision and scope told in the style of speculative suspense, We the Enemy delivers on a premise that touches each of us: how can we prosper in this troubled world?

Please let me know if you' re interested.

Thanks for your time and consideration,

He emailed back and asked for the complete manuscript (stayed up 'til 4 a.m. reading it!). I'm thinking that story is the most important element of the query (note the indentation to help break up the mass of the email body). Bottom line, an agent's gotta be looking at a query thinking, "Is this a story I want to read?"

The story: lordy, how long I worked to craft that. It lays out the main conflict, gives provocative details, alludes to the two main characters, and even something about theme. It has the three ingredients super-agent Donald Maass says he needs to hook him on a story: setting, protagonist, and problem.

And that's it. It worked. If there's anything there that speaks to you in terms of structure, tone, or whatever, I hope it helps. One big key in the success of each of those successful e-queries, I have to stress, was the personalization and targeting that I was able to create with research on Publishers Marketplace.

Wanna share yours?

If you have a query letter that generated multiple requests by agents for materials, how about sharing it with the rest of us floggers? Email it to me, anonymized if you wish, or include details such as the title of your novel and results.

Let's limit this to queries for novels that generated requests. I won't know if this will generate anything postable, but I'm willing to give it a try.

RR

Free edit in exchange for posting permission. You send a sample that you have questions about and of which you'd like an edit. I won't post it without your permission.

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© 2005 Ray Rhamey