Edit: beginnings of a beginning

pina_la_nina said it was okay to post this edit of a sample she sent. Some nice writing, but I think there are opportunities to make it much stronger.

Today I'm going to try something Jeff suggested: first, the sample unadorned by my intrusions. Then an edit. So think on what you would do. Here goes…

"They're belly beads." Brad took her hand and wrapped Cathy's wrist in the strand, laying the irregular dots smooth on her skin, black next to dirty white. The browned cotton thread showed through in gaps between the beads strung patternless like an abacus stuck mid-calculation.

"My mom brought them back when she went to Ghana when I was like eight. Africa was hip then, our motherland. She stood in the doorway of the prison where the ships came from and looked out on the blue water." He fumbled at the soft thread, trying to turn the ends into a knot.

"I've wanted to do this forever," Cathy tried to remind him, so he knew this wasn't her present to him, but she couldn't quite get the words out. "They're beautiful."

"They're just plastic."  Brad's fingers finished the knot and easily made another. "I don't even know if that's a true story -- that the girls wear them across their bellies to entice a husband. I used to wear them around my neck, with cowrie shells and kente cloth. It was a phase."

"I could wait until after the wedding and then we'd go together," Cathy said, knowing he didn't share this dream, knowing she was testing the waters for him, letting his Africa stay magic just a little while longer.

Brad moved his hand from the beads to her diamond, blessing it with the tip of his finger. "Nah, this Peace Corps thing is yours. Not mine. Besides you don't want to hang around while I'm in med school. I'm going to be a whole lot of boring for four years."

Boring, Cathy imagined, was not something she was going to have to contend with in Africa. That was her one certainty.

I found issues with staging and, sometimes, clarity, although there's some very nice writing in here, too. For me, the story is awfully slow in starting, and it takes a while to learn what it might be about. I'd like to see more scene-setting -- after all this, I have no idea where or when they are -- are they in a house? On a beach? Is it day or night? Is it hot or cold? I would strongly recommend slipping in brief pieces of description that clue us in. For example, if they're on a beach at sunset, it would help the reader know that we're in Cathy's point of view and give us a description of where they are if the first paragraph (which, as you'll see, also needs a line of dialogue from later shifted to there) ends with a description, i.e. The ocean breeze was cool on her skin, and the rose of sunset colored her world. (I know, that's a bit much, but what do you want for free?)

Please keep in mind that all any editor can offer is opinion that is necessarily subjective -- my cuts, additions, and comments are suggestions, not facts, to be used or discarded by the writer. Things I added are in red and comments are green.

"They're belly beads."  Brad took Cathy's her hand and wrapped her Cathy's wrist in with the strand, laying the irregular dots smooth on her skin, black next to dirty white. The bBrowned cotton thread showed through in gaps between the beads strung patternless like an abacus stuck mid-calculation. (Does "dirty white" refer to the color of her skin? Why dirty? This isn't clear enough for me. I'm not sure what "smooth on her skin" means. A way to deal with all this would be simplification, i.e. Brad took Cathy's hand and wrapped her wrist with the strand, laying black, irregular dots on dirty white skin.

There are things I like about "abacus" simile, but I suspect some readers won't get it. Even if they do, it causes me to visualize a broad band of beads randomly arrayed…but this is a string, isn't it? I guess my problem is that, while interesting, it didn't quickly evoke a picture.)

"My mom brought them back when she went to Ghana when I was like eight. Africa was hip then, our motherland. She stood in the doorway of the prison where the ships came from and looked out on the blue water." He fumbled at the soft thread, trying to turn the ends into a knot.

"I've wanted to do this forever," Cathy tried to remind him, so he knew this wasn't her present to him, but she couldn't quite get the words out. "They're beautiful." (Couple of things. What does Cathy mean by "this" that isn't her present to him? The only thing that is being done is him wrapping her wrist with beads. How is it her present to him when they are his beads? I understand that there's something behind this, but this exterior and interior monologue is essentially meaningless if I have no idea what it is. If the wrapping has significance, I think it needs to be made clear before she says this. Also, when she thinks "knew," do you mean "understand?" Not clear to me.)

"They're just plastic." Brad's fingers finished the knot and easily made another. "I don't even know if that's a true story -- that the girls wear them across their bellies to entice a husband. I used to wear them around my neck, with cowrie shells and kente cloth. It was a phase." (He refers to something "that's a true story," which the reader doesn't know about, then tells the "story." While "real" speech might bounce around like this, in this case I think it slows things. Why not, simply, "I don't even know if it's true that girls wear them to entice a husband." I'm guessing that this is the significance of the wrapping of the wrist. If so, it comes too late. I suggest moving this simplified line of dialogue to the end of the first paragraph where it will inform the rest of the dialogue with what they're really talking about. Also, I think the action beat about tying the knot, while showing what happens, could contribute more. For example, what if, instead of tying a knot, he lifts his gaze to her, his hopes easy to see. Or something else that goes to characterization, to the emotional core of the moment.)

"I could wait until after the wedding and then we'd go together," Cathy said, knowing he didn't share this her dream, knowing she was testing the waters for him, letting his Africa stay magic just a little while longer.

Brad moved his hand from the beads to her diamond, blessing it with the tip of his finger. "Nah, this Peace Corps thing is yours. Not mine. Besides, you don't want to hang around while I'm in med school. I'm going to be a whole lot of boring for four years." (Need some picture here -- where is the diamond he touches? On an engagement ring? Do you think female readers will automatically understand this? I didn't -- and the "engagement ring" I gave my wife was a diamond pendant made from a ring of my father's. If you modify this, look for a more evocative expression of the action than "moved." For example… Brad traced a path from the beads to her engagement ring, his touch a sweet pleasure. He blessed her diamond with the tip of his finger. I liked the "blessing" line; nice.)

Boring, Cathy imagined, was not something she was going to have to contend with in Africa. That was her one certainty. (I like this hint of exciting things to come. With interior dialogue you can just go right to the thought.)

I think you have a promising beginning for an interesting story, pina_la_nina, but you aren't quite there in getting in onto the paper. I'll repeat here my advice to another writer: it might help if you sit back, turn your story on, watch the movie and record what happens, especially the pictures so we can see. Help us experience what's happening through sights, sounds, smells, feelings, action, dialogue and thoughts.

The other thing I'd try for is a more tension in the first few paragraphs, a hint of something Cathy wants but isn't getting, perhaps, or a hint saof a problem either in the now or in the near future concerning her and Brad. Raise some story questions as soon as you can; I don't think that part of your job is done yet.

And keep writing -- you will get there.

For what it's worth.

RR

Free edit in exchange for posting permission. You send a sample that you have questions about and of which you'd like an edit. I won't post it without your permission.

Tip Jar: visitors have asked for a way to lay a dime or two on me and, I'll confess, it would be helpful. So if you want to chip in, click here. And many thanks.

© 2005 Ray Rhamey<