Change in flogging focus:In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost, starting with the 99¢ variety, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
Here are the first 17 lines of Chapter 1 of Max and the Multiverse. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.
Max stared at a dingy basement wall, tracing the grout lines of bare cinder blocks. He stood motionless in the center of the room, wary and waiting. His eyes shifted towards every faint sound. A thump here, a muffle there, then footsteps. Floorboards creaked overhead, then down the hall, then nowhere. A door slammed. A car rumbled to life and faded into the distance. Max closed his eyes, took a deep breath, then pumped his fists and shouted “Spring break!”
Max’s parents had departed for Hawaii, leaving him to fend for himself in the dusty suburbs of Albuquerque, New Mexico. Not that he minded. As an only child with social anxiety and a deep distaste for the outdoors, he welcomed a quiet week in a dank basement. He enjoyed it, preferred it even. Spring break to most teens meant travel to exotic locales, or at the very least, anywhere but home. Max had no interest in such things. Spring break to him meant one thing: gaming. Lots and lots of gaming. An endless romp of caffeinated carnage without curfews or prying parents.
And so, it began.
His closest friends inhabited pixels on a computer, the avatars of fleshy cohorts all around the world. They escaped their real-life dungeons by slaughtering monsters in virtual ones. It gave them a sense of pride and accomplishment, all while dismantling their basic social faculties.
You can read more here. This novel received 4.4 stars. While it technically opens with something happening, it is basically all setup. Trouble ahead? Nope. Trouble now? Nope. A problem the character needs to address? Nope. I could go on, but why? I’m sure a good editor would have helped. Your thoughts?
Cover critique
So this is the cover for a science fiction novel. Does it say that to you? Not to me. For me, this cover doesn’t do anything to help define or illustrate the title or the genre. What is a multiverse, anyway . . . could be poem with lots of verses. At least the title and author name were clear and prominent, but that’s about it. Your thoughts?
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.
Hey, if you’re isolating like I am, get that trunk novel out and get to writing . . . and/or submitting the first chapter to the Flogometer to get free insights into how it’s working.
Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist (PDF here)
A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.
Cathy sends the first chapter for Old Roads. As usual, the rest of the narrative is after the break.
Theirs was a small world.
Not that the people of Tarn were aware of that. Few travelled outside their village and fewer still left Tarn, most of those only venturing into a neighbouring county. Why travel farther? The local merchants brought back anything you could possibly need from the twice yearly Wenn fair.
~*~
Outside, Brook rattled around the yard, while the birds sang sundown songs to the sky.
Inside the workshop, the only sounds were the rasp of the whetstone on my knife and an occasional crack from cooling charcoal. Dust motes drifted in the sunbeams that made it through the window. I tested the blade on my thumb. It hardly dragged against the skin, but a fine red line appeared.
Activity in the yard stilled. Except for the birds.
‘Jaywing?’
My parents only used my full name when I was out of favour.
Setting the knife aside, I slipped a silver ring onto each finger – I still had ten in those days. As I chose earrings from the silver I’d already cleaned, the inner door from the house opened and a greying head appeared.
This is nicely written and has a distinct voice that promises an enjoyable read. But what of tension? For me, there were no compelling story questions raised. The protagonist is fine and doesn’t anticipate any trouble on the horizon, nor is she dealing with a problem now. I read through the rest, and problems and story questions didn’t appear. I know most writing craft books advise including some of the world in a “normal” state before making things happen – but that can happen in a paragraph or two. In a sense, this is “throat-clearing.” I’d love to see the narrative where things go wrong for the protagonist. Start there. Your thoughts?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.
Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2021 by Cathy.
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.
Continue reading "Flogometer 1144 for Cathy — would you turn this page?" »
Change in flogging focus:In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost, starting with the 99¢ variety, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
Here are the first 17 lines of Chapter 1 of The Town. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.
Stone took his coffee black and strong. Double espresso. But in these parts it was just called coffee. The waitress topped him up, smiled and walked away to the other tables. Truck drivers, farmers, lumberjacks. These were not espresso drinkers. They eyed Stone warily. Something about him. Strong and fit, but a little too clean. A little too tidy.
He watched the man across the street. He had been shouting for a good few minutes. Long enough for Stone to consume the Danish and drink half his cup. There was something curious, something unnerving about the admonishment he was giving. Admonishment the man in the passenger seat was taking. He watched the man giving the scolding walk into the hardware store. He was a big man, but wore it around his gut. He walked stiffly. Stone imagined him to be in his late-fifties, maybe sixty. Someone who had clearly lived a hard life. Something about the stiffness. As though he carried injuries borne from time and perseverance. Not merely a slip or fall.
His attention turned to the man in the passenger seat. Head bowed, shoulders sagged. He’d had a severe reprimand that was for sure, but it was the way he had taken it that had puzzled Stone. The guy looked big. Stone could only see his shoulders and chest; there was power there for sure. But not strength, not in character at least. He looked broken, defeated. Stone had seen the look before.
You can read more here. This novel earned 4.4 stars on Amazon. There are interesting things going on, but they’re across the street and don’t involve the character. Speaking of across the street, if I’m in a café looking out a window, across a sidewalk, across a two-lane street and to the far side of the interior of a car, I just don’t buy that I would see all this detail about the guy in the car.
This narrative needs editing from a craft perspective. The repetition of passive behavior: “He watched.” Thinking of himself as “Strong and fit, but a little too clean. A little too tidy.”
In terms of story, all of this is about people who are not the protagonist. Although we can figure that he will be involved at some point with the scene across the street, he isn’t. There’s nothing here to suggest jeopardy or any stakes related to it. This is what is called, IMO, throat-clearing. Yes, it describes action that affects plot, but the author could have done the same and involved the protagonist by starting later, when the coffee drinker encounters the big guy across the street. Your thoughts?
Cover critique
This cover is okay, could have been better. Were it me, I would have made the title not so tall to have more space for the running man to be larger. That signals action and raises question where the title does not. Putting the title in a color with more contrast, such as red, could have also brought energy to the cover. Your thoughts?
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.
Change in flogging focus:In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost, starting with the 99¢ variety, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
Here are the first 17 lines of the prologue for The Stranger in Our Bed, billed as a psychological thriller. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.
The rain fell in big fat droplets and poured down into my eyes. My hair was plastered to my head – blonde turned into dirty wet streaks that clung to my cheeks. I’d been here before, another time, another moment of betrayal and sadness. Déjà vu. Fear sank down into the pit of my stomach. I was drowning in the endless possibilities of ‘future’. What about my daughter? So small, so helpless, so alone.
Oh God! Melody. She was in the house … v
I wanted to run, make sure Melody was all right, but I couldn’t move. My limbs were frozen, my whole body weak. I might have been suffering from shock – and no surprise.
I ran my hand over my face, clearing the water from my eyes. And then my fingers touched the sore sticky wound on my forehead and I found myself staring at the red stain on my palm. The rain eroded the blood, as though it could wash away the evidence of my crime.
I was standing on a precipice, swaying slightly. I closed my eyes, blocking out the sight of the hole in the ground at my feet. Nothing moved. I didn’t want to look down at the picture of death below, even though I was responsible for it, but the shape of the body crumpled in the void was still visible behind my eyes. I shook my head, trying to dispel the unwelcome thought along with the guilt I carried.
When did this all start? How had my life taken this terrible turn?
You can read more here. This novel earned 4.4 stars on Amazon. There’s definitely tension in this opening due to multiple story questions. What has happened? Who is dead? Did she kill the victim? Is her daughter okay? What will happen next?
This prologue is gripping, but at the last sentence in it displayed a major violation of point of view. It was this:
Unaware of the black shape slowly getting to its feet in the pit behind me, I started to walk towards the first police car.
In close third person, if a character is unaware of something, then it doesn’t belong in the narrative. For this character, the black shape doesn’t exist, so how can it be in her first-person narrative of what is happening in the now of the story? I’ll agree that it creates another strong story question, but it is not good writing craft. Your thoughts?
Cover critique
While the primary colors (yellow and black) are consistent with the thriller genre, and the author and title are handled appropriately, I don’t see that the image contributes much. It’s a messy bed. Could be an ad for a maid service. No tension on this cover, as I see it. Your thoughts?
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.
Today’s BookBub flog is for a “cat” novel. As an author of cat novels, that leads me to ask you to respond to this poll. You can check more than one item. Many thanks.
Change in flogging focus:In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost, starting with the 99¢ variety, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning whether or not this opening page clears the hurdle.
When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
Here are the first 17 lines of the first chapter of The Cat Came Back (The 9 Livers Cozy Mystery Series), a crime cozy. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.
"I have to throw that out too?" That was a stuffed kangaroo sent to Noelle all the way from Australia.
"We aren't throwing anything out. We're giving the toys you've outgrown to a charity," Christy Jamieson said patiently. Since she and her daughter were moving from a big house to a very small one, everything had to be assessed before it went into one of the 'keeper' boxes. There just wasn't enough room for all the material goods that had been part of their lives in the rambling mansion.
The kangaroo was one of dozens of stuffies that Noelle hadn't played with for a year or more. Convincing her daughter to give up each toy, no matter how ignored, was a struggle. So far there were more toys in the 'donate' box than in the 'keeper' box, so Christy was winning out. She wasn't sure how much longer her run of luck would continue.
Noelle picked up the kangaroo. "Gerry gave it to me."
He had indeed. Christy could remember when the courier had delivered the small, red-brown stuffie. Frank, her husband and—if she could ever find him—soon to be ex, had looked at it, then commented that Gerry Fisher had probably written it off as an expense against the Jamieson Trust. Christy didn't believe that for an instant. She knew there had been conflict between Gerry and Frank through the years, but she'd always considered Gerry the best of the (snip)
You can read more here. This novel earned 4.3 stars on Amazon. This opening doesn’t suffer from bad writing or a dull voice, but it does suffer. From the lack of a cat (promised by the cover). From lack of a mystery, also promised on the cover. From the lack of tension. From the lack of a story question. Maybe cozy readers are much more patient than I am, but there was literally nothing here that hinted of what the title and cover promised. Your thoughts?
Cover critique
If the person looking at this cover is into cats, then it’s a strong cover. But a person looking for a mystery? Not so much. It’s colorful, and that gives a light mood, and you can expect that in the story. I thought the author name and title were fine. Your thoughts?
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.
Hey, if you’re isolating like I am, get that trunk novel out and get to writing . . . and/or submitting the first chapter to the Flogometer to get free insights into how it’s working.
Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist (PDF here)
A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.
Ronald sends the first chapter for A Dire Onus. As usual, the rest of the narrative is after the break.
“The Unnamed Rune does not exist and never will. You are alone, Child of Stain. Not even The Runic Circle can help you.”
The memory of those cryptic words tormented Rucker like a maddening itch that was always there, but just beyond his reach. Even worse, the demon’s maniacal laughter echoed in his mind; a distant whispered laugh that plagued him day and night. Laughter only he could hear.
Rucker forced his thoughts elsewhere, but his effort seemed to make things worse by focusing his mind on a more immediate problem: Brogan was missing; possibly a prisoner, but more likely dead. Either way, one simple fact remained — his teacher was gone, leaving a gaping void in Rucker’s heart.
What Rucker wanted now more than anything else, was to go back home to Bieldburg; back to Lilya. They’d get married just as they always planned, and he’d stay with her forever. That’s what he longed for. However, it would have to wait.
First, he had to fulfill his promise to Brogan. He’d take Briar Wolfanger’s Hammer to the Dwarves on Blackpool Island and complete Brogan’s mission. Then he’d go home.
But right now, death stood in his way.
The writing and voice are good, so there’s no issue there. But what happens on this page? Check out the checklist. There is a character, but he’s busy musing, not doing. If there’s something wrong, we don’t see it. Does he desire something? To fulfil a promise, but we don’t know that that promise nor how difficult it is to keep.
Is the character taking action? Nope. We don’t know what the setting is. There’s info-dumping but no story question raised.
This paragraph started the next page:
Rucker came to a standstill halfway across the long bridge and watched the three sellswords coming at him with drawn weapons in hand.
That could be a good opener . . . but the narrative then wanders into more musing and backstory. For me, the action begun in the paragraph above should be continued. Dribble out information as things happen and, with warriors attacking you, don’t pause to muse about stuff. Your thoughts?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.
Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2021 by Vaughn.
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.
Continue reading "Flogometer 1143 for Ronald — would you turn this page?" »
Hey, if you’re isolating like I am, get that trunk novel out and get to writing . . . and/or submitting the first chapter to the Flogometer to get free insights into how it’s working.
Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.
Note: today’s chapter is nonfiction, a family saga. I thought it would be an interesting change of read for us all. See what you think.
Diana sends the first chapter for The Wellspring, Fannie’s Story. As usual, the rest of the narrative is after the break.
The story is global. Invasion, conquest, and religious tyranny. It is of exodus, world war, disease, economic innovation and depression. It is the continuum of human events blending gradually into its unending, repetitive story.
The singular story is of Fannie Bruder. It is personal, yet universal. A woman’s story. A love story. Love for her husband, for her children, for life.
The contemporary world into which my great-grandmother was born was shaped by eight hundred years of conflict and contradiction between the Hungarian State and the Jews.
*****
Semi-nomadic Pagan communities of Magyars lived in yurts on the Eurasian Steppe. Feared warriors, superb horsemen, archers, and sabre-wielders, the men served as mercenary fighters in Germanic, French, and Italian conflicts. Having seen what lay beyond, the idea of nationhood took root.
In the last decade of the ninth century, more than a hundred communities allied, electing seven leaders and a titular head, Prince Árpád. When three Turkic tribes fused into the coalition, they were ten. Ten arrows, On-Gurs. The Hungarians.
Thousands of men, women, children, cattle, sheep, pigs, and twenty thousand horses crossed the Carpathian Mountains. In their westward sweep, the Hungarians seized more than a (snip)
The writing is nicely clear, and the sweep of the story grand in scale. The author sounds very knowledgeable, and this page--to me--promises interesting material ahead. I'd read on. The next chapter, which I have included in case you're curious, brings the story to the personal level, the life of the author. It dives into a culture new to me, which is all the more interesting. Your thoughts?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.
Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2021 by Vaughn.
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.
Continue reading "Flogometer 1142 for Diana — would you turn this page?" »
Apologies for the shortage of blog posts, I’ve been buried with design work. Will try to amend my ways.
Hey, if you’re isolating like I am, get that trunk novel out and get to writing . . . and/or submitting the first chapter to the Flogometer to get free insights into how it’s working.
Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.
Richard sends the first chapter for Woof’s Chronicle. As usual, the rest of the narrative is after the break.
A portal roughly the size of a front door materialized in thin air in the middle of a forest. Blazing light streamed through, illuminating the moonless night.
From the other side of the opening, where the mid-day sun shone on an alien terrain of vibrant purple and orange hues, stepped two critters resembling a fully-grown German shepherd and an Irish setter puppy.
The forest, in a remote part of Canyon Park in Southern California, became pitch black again as the portal vanished.
The German shepherd surveyed his surroundings, then accessed a silver device housed in his poca, a gold link collar around his neck. The poca, advanced technology from his dimension, contained an infinite amount of space.
He spoke to the device in a guttural language, which to an Earth human would have sounded like a growl.
“Come on, Ash-a-lee” he said to the pup in the same language.
Ash-a-lee, smelling animals, vegetation, terrain and poo all new to her, couldn’t stop sniffing and exploring.
“I don’t have time for puppy shenanigans,” he muttered, annoyed at being ignored.
He picked up the pup with his mouth, put her into the poca, and trotted for several miles, (snip)
Well, there’s a first page that doesn’t check off the “something wrong” checklist item but still succeeds for this reader. The writing is just fine, promising more of that ahead—although I would tinker a little to avoid cliches such as “in thin air.” And story questions are definitely raised. For me, turning the page was worth it. While jeopardy still doesn’t appear in the first chapter, more strong story questions come up, especially after the pup transforms into a human baby and is left on a doorstep. What’s going to happen next to this magical baby/pup foundling from another dimension? Your thoughts?
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.
Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2021 by Richard.
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.
Continue reading "Flogometer 1141 for Richard — would you turn this page?" »
Hey, if you’re isolating like I am, get that trunk novel out and get to writing . . . and/or submitting the first chapter to the Flogometer to get free insights into how it’s working.
Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.
Brad sends the prologue and first chapter for The Sands of Forever Spilled. As usual, the rest of the narrative is after the break.
Prologue
How did we get here?
Me, sitting in the front row with all the questions. Dad, lying there under Old Glory with all the answers. Mom, waiting for him, out in the cold near the interstate, plot 251. My brother, floating just south of us.
I hate the front row. Always have. This one's the worst.
Don't get me wrong though. I'd rather be in this heated mausoleum chapel than outside in the frigid winter slush, icy rain pellets attacking my face and muddy snow pies ruining my dress shoes. But I'd really rather not be anywhere near here. I suspect others feel the same.
The three soldiers seem unperturbed by the shitty weather. Duty calls.
Lingering shards in my wind-wrecked hair keep melting onto my scalp. The chilly droplets ruin the mood of the place when they land and steal my attention.
It's been a long morning. Dad’s been patient.
I miss him.
They're right. It waits for no one.
Awaiting its next feeding of daylight and disorder, contented by the endless cycle of consumption and defecation, creation and destruction, and blissfully ignorant of the drama it would produce, the newborn slept.
Until the cordless phone rang.
Slowly, as it woke to the shrill trill, the day-old decade uncoiled itself while leaving me submerged in a dream. One of those where the ringing seemed to be part of the dream itself, and vivid enough for you to remember and retell. But it was never remembered nor retold. That possibility ended when my wife dazedly picked up the phone on the antique nightstand next to her and snapped at the caller, waking me in the dense darkness as well.
“Hello? Who is this? Who?!”
She was much more defensive of her sleep than I was, and a random call in the middle of the night was not going to receive her usual silky-smooth, telephone-voice response. God save whoever was on the other end of the call if it went much longer.
She fired back tersely, “He’s sleeping. Can I take a message? Hold on.”
I loved her for trying to protect me. And I could tell by her short but groggy replies she was tired and not fully awake either, and probably hadn’t fully encoded who was calling and ruining her sleep. I had yet to open my eyes and wanted to get back to that dream.
The prologue feels like musing to me. I understand that we’re at the narrator’s father’s funeral, but there’s really nothing much happening. It turns out, not that you’ll see it on the first page, that chapter 1 is about the father being stricken, and it takes place before the prologue. I’m not sure what story purpose this prologue serves, other than to give a feel for an attitude toward the father's death.
The first chapter: The writing is good, but what about the narrative? The first paragraph devotes itself to a sleeping baby. Why? I ask because the baby is not seen nor heard from in the chapter, and does not affect story.
Elegant language and thought deliver waking up to a phone call. The page doesn’t tell us what the call is about, just shows us two sleepy adults (and, somewhere, a waking baby). The only possible story question is what is the call about. But, since there’s nothing much happening here other than waking up, there’s nothing to inject tension into the possibilities of what the call is about.
It’s not until the middle of page two that we learn more about the call. The time before that is spent on backstory and how two sleepy people are dealing with the call. For this reader, no real tension is present. This page has writing and thoughts, but it lacks story. Your thoughts?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.
Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2021 by Vaughn.
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.
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