Flogging the Quill

Flogometer 1159 for Jide—will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Jide sends the first chapter of Birth of Gods: The Paradiso Trials. The rest of the chapter is after the break.

In one fluid motion, the head separated from its neck. Job well done. Victims rarely saw Chrome before it was too late. This time, it was someone far outside the walls of Thieves, another unfortunate existential who had been making too much noise. But out here in the middle of a frozen wasteland, no one would have heard him scream, even if given the chance.

Esco had been sending Chrome to take care of these nuisances discreetly. He rarely put a preyer request out on anyone, yet this marked the one hundredth existential that Chrome had silenced within the last three spans, a rushed succession of back-to-back assassinations. He spared the details about the targets and why they needed silencing, but it was of no concern to Chrome. This was the last existential she needed to dispose of; and then, Esco would reward her efforts by letting her participate in this cycle’s Paradiso Trials. Only teams who had received a blessing from a guild’s head could enter the Trials. Once she got the stubborn old deity’s blessing, she would go and find Vice. Her nightmares had grown more vivid lately and she had become more irritable, which spurred her hidden abilities to the surface more often than she liked. Esco had other deities to deal with, and ole high and mighty never had the time to consider the stress the night terrors put on Chrome. She felt it was finally time to share the truth of her abilities with someone other than the guild’s head. She gathered her three rods, strapped them across her hip in a low-slung holster, and (snip)

The writing is clear in this opening, but it didn’t connect with me. It’s hard to warm up to what appears to be a cold-blooded killer, to begin with. After we’re introduced, instead of going deeper and revealing a human side to this person, we go for dense exposition and backstory. By “dense,” I mean so much is packed into the narrative that it’s difficult to absorb. In particular, the third paragraph: she has nightmares that make her irritable and she has hidden abilities (so what are they?), there are other dieties, there’s a truth of her abilities (what is that>) she need to share . . .

I think this narrative needs to be replaced with something happening that forces the protagonist to deal with it in a way that reveals character and raises story questions. There is no jeopardy for the character on this page, nothing she has to immediately deal with. Her “issues” are told to us, not portrayed for us. Separate out these many things and give them narrative room to be felt and absorbed, not rained down in a torrent. This is a richly imagined world with many new things to perceive and understand--immerse us with something critical happening to your protagonist. Your thoughts?

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2021 by Jide.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1158 for Christian—will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Christian sends a revised first chapter of The Rich Man’s War. In a previous flogging, I thought the opening page needed clarity and some editing. The first version is here.

The peacekeeper leveled his gun at the man in the car. "Back your vehicle away from the gate. Slowly. And stop by the tree. That lovely lady by the orange line is going to search your trunk."

"You can't just let me in? Conference today at the temple."

"ID or no entry. That's the first rule. Second rule is, nobody crosses the orange line unless I say so. You break the second rule, and I wave this gun in your face like what I'm doing now. You break the first rule, you get a bullet."

The driver shrugged and put the car into reverse. Lowering his gun, the peacekeeper glanced back at the gate. The gatekeeper was watching them from the temple entrance. He was the man in charge, the one with the passcode, and though it was impossible to see through his helmet, the peacekeeper could feel that he was being watched. Maybe even evaluated.

The car rolled to a stop at the orange line and the driver peeked out the window. "This good enough?"

"Perfect."

The woman by the orange line started toward the vehicle, and the passenger window shattered as a machine gun opened fire from the back seat of the car. She toppled to the ground. The peacekeeper ran toward the car, gun raised, but the driver had a gun now, and it was much (snip)

For me, this revision is much better (except for one element). The action is pretty clear, and the page ends with a strong “what happens next” story question. So far, so good.

But there’s a bit of confusion remaining for this reader. It’s in this sentence:

He was the man in charge, the one with the passcode, and though it was impossible to see through his helmet, the peacekeeper could feel that he was being watched.

It’s the highlighted part that doesn’t work for me. I don’t get the idea of seeing through a helmet, and what was it that he's trying to see through it. Unless a helmet is transparent, and I've never seen a transparent helmet, how could anyone expect to see through it? Also, if he can’t see through the helmet, then the wearer of the helmet can’t see out, right? Do you mean his helmet’s face plate?

We could use some clarification. Christian has the scene clearly in mind, just hasn’t gotten it all onto paper yet. Keep at it, your revisions were on target.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2021 by Christian.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1157 for James—will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

James sends the first chapter of Pandora’s Eyes.

Alex Cave stares out the window of his sparsely furnished room in the barracks. Sagebrush-covered desert and low mountains stretch away in all directions. The heat causes the air to shimmer, as he watches the CIA’s latest experimental stealth drone race down the runway and climb into the sky.

He grins, knowing that even the government’s most clandestine service is unaware of the alien spacecraft in Hangar 5. Since he discovered it in a dormant volcano of one of the Aleutian Islands, his life hasn’t been the same. At least things have settled down for now, he thinks.

His phone rings and he recognizes the image of a man with curly gray hair, Doctor Henry Heinz, his good friend and boss here at the base. “Hey, Doc.”

“I think you had better come down here right away,” he says with a slight German accent.

“I’ll be right there.”

He hurries from the room, down the hall to the stairs, and moments later, steps into his friend’s office. “What’s going on?”

Henry looks up at the tall man with wavy-black hair and dark blue eyes. “I have recently received a copy of a recording from the International Space Station. It was taken yesterday afternoon, shortly after the launch of a new satellite called the SV1, for Space Vacuum One. I looked through their permits, and they claim it is an efficient way to collect the space debris (snip)

I’ve done some quick editing, see below, toward clarifying and tightening the narrative. But, even when it's more clear and crisp, there remains the question of tension. This page is all exposition with some needed scene-setting but some setup, too . . . and most importantly, no story questions that reach me. The character doesn’t have a problem or trouble he needs to deal with—as far as this page goes, everything is all right. The writer hopes that the existence of an alien spacecraft will do it, but not for this reader. The character needs to connect with me, and that doesn’t happen here. I have no reason to care about this person, and nothing much is happening: he stares out a window, muses, and gets a summons to a meeting. Your thoughts?

Editorial notes

Alex Cave stares out the window of his sparsely furnished room in the barracks. Sagebrush-covered desert and low mountains stretch away in all directions. The heat causes the air to shimmer, as he watches the CIA’s latest experimental stealth drone race down the runway and climb into the sky. "sparsely furnished" is telling and doesn't show us anything. More than that, how do his furnishings affect the story? Not at all,  I suspect. So why is it here?

He grins, knowing that even the government’s most clandestine service is unaware of the alien spacecraft in Hangar 5. Since he discovered it in a dormant volcano of one of the Aleutian Islands, his life hasn’t been the same. At least things have settled down for now, he thinks. This is backstory and so terse it doesn't have much meaning. And what is the government's most clandestine service? Why not just name it? And "things" have settled down--vague. What "things?"

His phone rings — and he recognizes the image of a man with curly gray hair, Doctor Henry Heinz, his good friend and boss here at the base. “Hey, Doc.”

“I think you had better come down here right away.” he says with a slight German accent.

“I’ll be right there.”

He hurries to from the room, down the hall to the stairs, and moments later, steps into his friend’s office. “What’s going on?”

Henry looks up at Alex the tall man with wavy-black hair and dark blue eyes. “I have recently received a copy of a recording from the International Space Station. It was taken yesterday afternoon, shortly after the launch of a new satellite called the SV1, for Space Vacuum One. I looked through their permits, and they claim it is an efficient way to collect the space debris (snip) Why does he look up? Is Alex hugely tall, or is this man very short? Maybe he's sitting at a desk, but we don't know that. Unclear. The description of Alex is not artfully done, it's clearly the writer stepping into the room to dispense info. And does it matter what he looks like at this time? How does the color of his eyes affect what is happening?

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2021 by James.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1156 for Tina—will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Tina sends the first chapter of Take Me Home.

”Take me home, baby, just take me home.”

This is the best line I can think of to end a movie. I don’t know if I’ve ever heard it spoken exactly this way, but it’s been said, in one form or another, in all of the movies I find myself watching again and again. It signals the quintessential happy ending: going home with someone who loves you.

“Beam me up, Scotty.” Does that count?

Maybe he meant it to, when he booty-called me last night, and I’d like to give him that, if only to put off reckoning with the angle my girlfriends keep pushing: that he is a loser and I should kick his ass to the curb.

“Not tonight,” I said, rolling over to look at the clock: 1:00 a.m.

The dick.

“Aw, baby, come on.” He drew it out like the note from a trombone playing the last trembly torch song of the night. Come oooooonnnnnnn……. I think he was drunk.

I wasn’t having any.

“Call me at a decent hour, maybe you’ll hear something different.” I dropped the slim digital receiver back into its cradle and resumed my previous position, curled around my body pillow like the sleek cat I sometimes want to be. I fell back to sleep before the clock reached 1:03.

The writing and voice are fine, but what about tension? It could be because this is a genre not aimed at someone of the male persuasion, but still, there ought to be some kind of story question here, some thing that the protagonist has to deal with. The only thing she has to deal with is an irritating call early in the morning, and she quickly deals with it and hangs up on the guy. Problem solved. And there’s no reason to wonder what happens next, IMO. And I don’t particularly care about that, either. No real tension, no sign of a story . . . I suggest to all writers, including me, to hold up their first page to the checklist as a way of identifying ways in which tension could be induced. Maybe that happens in the next chapter. Your thoughts?

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2021 by Tina.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 372 Melissa F. Miller—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here are the first 17 lines of the opening page for Burned. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

Olivia Santos strode across the parking garage toward her borrowed car, checking her pulse out of habit. Her resting heart rate was 57 beats per minute, almost always. Right now, walking at a moderate to brisk pace, it was an unusually high 114 beats per minute. She chalked up the increase to worry rather than exertion. Grandma Julie’s care team was full of cheery positivity about her progress and prognosis. But the drawn, tired woman in the bed was a far cry from the fierce, fiery grandmother she knew.

She scanned the garage floor to confirm that nobody crouched in the shadows waiting to ambush her and to cement the layout and placement of exit stairwells in her mind. As she fished the keys to her Aunt Hailey’s station wagon out of her pocket, she noted that her behavior was borderline paranoid. Full daylight, secure parking structure, safe neighborhood.>

Despite the lack of imminent danger, the heightened alert made her feel better, like she was doing something. While she couldn’t speed her grandmother’s recovery, she could take precautions to protect herself. Control freak. She heard Mateo’s cutting tone in her mind. Her husband may not be kind about it, but he wasn’t wrong.

The elevator in the northwest corner of the garage shuddered to a stop and the doors opened. She swept her eyes over the man and dismissed him as a threat: tall, dressed in expensive business attire, soft. She continued toward the car.

You can read more here. This earned 4.4 stars on Amazon. This opening is depending on the reader to see meaning that isn’t in the narrative. She is stressed (pulse rate) by . . . what? Paranoia? We’re supposed to take it that, while everything seems fine, there’s trouble ahead. A sort of left-handed foreshadowing. Then a stranger appears, but she immediately dismisses him as no threat. We, the readers, are supposed to take this at the opposite.

You ask me, I much prefer trouble to be actual trouble. In reading on, I learned that she actually knows the man well—but she doesn’t recognize him? I think this is a cheat, the identity being withheld in order to foment a sense of trouble. I found other weaknesses that a good editor would have noticed. Gets a pass from me. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1155 for Dennis—will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Dennis sends the prologue for XRD: Daughter, science fiction.

Planet Crossroads (Designation: 9 Ceti XRD)

Synthea’s Secret Facility

March 19, 14 years after First Establishment (F.E.)

Reclined in the medbench, gown soaked in sweat, Synthea turned the anesth-disk on her thigh up to medium and sighed. Centuries of effort lay embodied on her chest: her first child. Cupping the newborn’s head, she felt its warmth and soft sparse hair. Now we are three.

Treasuring the moments, she gently swaddled the girl, carefully folding her bat-like wings inside the cloth. Then cradling her daughter, she rose, shifting her gown to conceal the anesth-disk.

There wasn’t much time left, but even just walking was excruciating. So the floor moved to assist, sliding them through the bright blank walls and rooms along their way.

They arrived at Daffyd’s altar-like biostasis chamber. Long ago, she’d opaqued its cover. Their experiments had rejuvenated her but ravaged him; as centuries passed, she couldn’t bear to look anymore.

But he’ll see this child. She initiated biostasis withdrawal, and a minute later, the chamber’s cover receded.

Daffyd, motionless, turned his eyes towards her. “How long?”

Looking into his eyes, still kind and clear in his ruined face, she smiled. “We’ve done it, Daffyd. Here, ” — she placed the baby on his chest, then lifted his withered arms — “hold her.”

Assisted by an extrusion from the chamber, he raised his head. “She’s adorable.” Struggling, he pulled back the swaddling. “Such cute wings. You’ll save the world with those, little girl.”

“Her name’s Hope. Not very original—”

This excerpt is more than the usual 17 lines to incorporate the technical “location” of the story. Personally, as a reader I always skip this kind of narrative, especially in the opening. The esoteric location has zero affect on what’s happening in the scene, IMO. I recommend the author leave this off until the manuscript is accepted somewhere. Capture the reader with story, not details that don’t really make much sense. I don’t have a clue as to what “Planet Crossroads (Designation: 9 Ceti XRD)” means.

There’s not much in the way of tension here—no problems, no jeopardy—but the nature of the birth and the child do raise story questions. The baby has bat-like wings? How? Why? Whatever is going on, the protagonist has been doing it for centuries, so what kind of world is this becomes a strong story question for a science fiction fan. I do think tension should be introduced in some way. A suggestion: the narrative tells us that there isn’t much time left. Time for what? It turns out the baby will be anesthesized soon. In that case, I think changing the line to “There wasn’t much time left for her child to live." or something to that effect could help.

The writing and voice are good, and you get the feeling that you’re in the hands of a good storyteller. Just give us some trouble, either now or coming, that the protagonist has to deal with and you’re off to a good start.

Your thoughts?

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2021 by Dennis.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1154 for Christian — which is the strongest opening page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Christian sends the first chapter of Age of Expansion.

Circa 3200 AD

Garret tapped three times on the hood of the car. Few drivers who approached the temple failed to comply with its well-established security measures, but dealing with the troublemakers was his job.

Isabella shot him a look. "Another one? It's the first day of the conference."

"I keep telling these people..." Garret muttered.

The window rolled down and the driver peeked out. "You fellas gonna open the gate?"

"ID or no entry. And this lovely lady right here is going to search your trunk."

"Sure, just a second."

Garret often envied the gatekeeper, remembering that if he had been the one born to the rich villages of the North, it would be him in front of the gate with the golden helmet, typing in a passcode every few minutes instead of dealing with the drivers. For all its high pay and prestige, being the gatekeeper was an easy job and far less dangerous. But Garret was a poor man, and the best shot a poor person had at advancement was by protecting a rich person.

As Isabella stepped around the side of the car, the door opened and the driver stepped out. Garret stepped up to the driver. "You'll have to stay in the car until we're done." As Garret took another step closer, the driver shoved him to the ground. He raised a gun and shot Isabella twice in the chest. Garret scrambled along the ground, reaching for his gun, but (snip)

I think this opening succeeds on creating tension and raising story questions. But it also lags when it shifts into setup exposition about the gatekeeper. For one thing, I’m not sure who the gatekeeper is. I assumed that it was Isabella, but on the next page, there he is. In setting the scene, the gatekeeper needs to be included, but only that far, as in “The gatekeeper eyed them from his position in front of the gate.” Leave out the background information from Garret, especially since it seems like he's just cannon fodder and is immediately blown away. There’s more action to come if you decide to turn the page.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2021 by Christian.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1153 for Richard — which is the strongest opening page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Richard sends the first chapter of <em>We Met in Ithaca</em>.

Oscar woke up with an urge to draw. He had had such urges before. Over the years he had bought a dozen different sketch pads but had rarely used them. When downsizing for this move, he had discarded all of them, except one, the largest, 18 x 24, Strathmore, which was in his suitcase.

His urge was strong but non-specific — just an itch, but an itch he couldn't ignore. He didn't have art pencils, but he had an ordinary number 2. He waved the pencil over a blank page, with dramatic flair, like waving a magic wand.

What should he draw? Still life? Landscape? He wished he had a model. Would that he had taken life-drawing classes — to stare at naked women, in the flesh. With that kind of inspiration, he might have become an artist.

To his surprise, while he was thinking about what he should draw, he was already drawing, his hand was moving on its own. He watched with delight as, with broad strokes, he sketched the outline of a face, full frontal, then filled in eyes, nose, mouth, hair. He had never imagined drawing could be so easy.

A young woman with a mixture of innocence and experience, wounded, but not broken, with the grit to start over. Recently divorced. Mother of two; no, four children. She had married very young, a mistake. Her name was Penelope. Friends called her Penny. If he met her, he (snip)

I’m going to do a light edit after this opinion, so I’ll focus on what the issue with this is for me. It has to do with tension, with the storytelling. If you were to wonder what will happen next, the only think can think of is that he will stop drawing at some point. Well, maybe there is a story question hiding in the fact that he starts drawing without thinking about it. Is he being controlled by something supernatural? Possessed? But there’s really not a lot to suggest this as a possibility. This character is happy and doing something he likes. There are no hints of a problem ahead that he will need to tackle. I think this story starts later, perhaps in the next chapter. This is, at the least, backstory and exposition to set things up. Your thoughts?

Oscar woke up with an urge to draw. He had had such urges before. Over the years he had bought a dozen different sketch pads but had rarely used them. When downsizing for this move, he had discarded all of them, except one, the largest, 18 x 24, Strathmore, which was in his suitcase. (It wouldn’t hurt to set the scene a little. Where is he?)

His urge was strong but non-specific — just an itch, but an itch he couldn't ignore. He didn't have art pencils, but he had an ordinary number 2. He waved the pencil over a blank page, with dramatic flair, like waving a magic wand. (There’s a continuity glitch—he’s waving the pencil over a blank page, but the sketch pad is still in his suitcase.)

What should he draw? Still life? Landscape? He wished he had a model. Would that he had taken life-drawing classes — to stare at naked women, in the flesh. With that kind of inspiration, he might have become an artist. (Sounds a little dirty-old-manish to me)

To his surprise, while he was thinking about what he should draw, he was already drawing, his hand was moving on its own. He watched with delight as, with broad strokes, he sketched the outline of a face, full frontal, then filled in eyes, nose, mouth, hair. He had never imagined drawing could be so easy. I think he should think about this automatic drawing. He hasn’t experienced it before. I sure would wonder what was going on.

A young woman with a mixture of innocence and experience, wounded, but not broken, with the grit to start over. Recently divorced. Mother of two; no, four children. She had married very young, a mistake. Her name was Penelope. Friends called her Penny. If he met her, he (snip) (I think some sort of transition into this thinking would be helpful to let the reader ease into this description of the woman. Is this something that comes to him as he draws? For example: Her story grew out the sketch.)

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2021 by Rachel.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1152 for Rachel —do you want to read more?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Rachel sends the first chapter of Tuyo, a fantasy adventure. She is different from most writers who submit to FtQ—she’s a published author. And she told me, “I'm fairly sure I can make you turn the page.”

Let’s see about that.

Beside the coals of the dying fire, within the trampled borders of our abandoned camp, surrounded by the great forest of the winter country, I waited for a terrible death.

I had been waiting since midday. Before long, dusk would fold itself across the land. The Lau must surely come soon. I faced south, so that my death would not ride up behind me on his tall horse and see my back and think that I was afraid to face him. Also, I did not want to look north because I did not want to see that trodden snow and remember my brother leaving me behind. That might have been a different kind of cowardice. But I could only face one direction. So I faced south.

The fire burned low. My brother had built it up with his own hands before he led our defeated warriors away. Now it was only embers, and the cold pressed against my back. I wished I could build the fire up again. Mostly that was what I thought about. That was as close to thinking about nothing as I could come. It was better than thinking about the Lau. I hoped they came before the fire burned out, or I might freeze to death before they found me. Even an Ugaro will die of the cold eventually, without fire or shelter.

I tried not to hope that I would die before they found me.

Then I heard them, the hoofbeats of their horses, and there was no more time for hope. I held very still, though stillness would not protect me now. Nothing would protect me. I was not (snip)

Tuyo gets 4.6 stars on Amazon. Right away I felt I was in the hands of a pro. Strong voice, good writing. If you look at the checklist, you’ll see much of it reflected in this brief page. Setting the scene: check. Something has gone wrong for the character: check. Peril with high stakes: check. Something is happening: check.

The only desire we see is for him not to freeze . . . but to live has to be an underlying desire. Here, action is his inaction, his will to wait for death rather than flee. As for story questions, the narrative offers more than one. For me, plenty of reasons to read on.

A recommendation for you. I did read on . . . and on . . . and on. This is the first in a series, three novels so far. They were, for me, compelling. I hardly put them down for a week. The novels are available for free to Kindle Unlimited members. If you go for it, I suggest you read the third novel second—it’s a direct extension of the story in book 1 while the other is not, though it takes place in the same world. I do hope you’ll check them out. Your thoughts?

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2021 by Rachel.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Maybe tomorrow

I looked and looked for a novel with an interesting opening to flog--I know that showing lame openings can be instructive, but I really wanted something I could get into reading.

Looked at all BookBub had to offer for the last three days.

Just about everything dawdled along with backstory and setup. No characters were having any real difficulties.

So, nothing.

Tomorrow I'll flog a chapter sent by a writer who said, in their cover email, "I'm fairly sure I can make you turn the page."

We'll see.

Tomorrow.

Meanwhile, look at your opening page and judge it with the checklist and see how it stands up.

Ray