Flogging the Quill

Flogometer 1175 for John —will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

John sent the first pages of Crossroads, a new adult love story. The rest of the chapter is after the break. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

Amber Jean Monroe was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. She stood tall for a girl, maybe five-foot-ten, had golden hair, thick and voluminous, that cascaded to the small of her back, and a splattering of freckles across the bridge of her nose. She wore blue jeans and a light-pink, half-sleeve, button-down blouse that she filled out rather nicely. When she smiled, it seemed as though she was about to share a whispered secret. In all of my twenty-five years, I had never seen another woman more spectacular.

Unfortunately, as I would find out, she was completely untouchable.

I was standing at the counter of Luke’s Pharmacy when she approached and I let her go in front of me. I came in for some aspirin intending to continue through to the next town, but after spotting her, I made the ad-hoc decision to hang around for a while.

“Thanks, Gabe,” she said, taking her change from the guy behind the counter.

She looked at me briefly, flashed a smile, then walked out the door and went to the left.

“Damn,” I muttered.

“Can I help you?” Gabe asked with a hint of impatience.

“Uh, yeah,” I responded, still trying to keep an eye on the girl before she slipped out of view. “I noticed the sign in the window said you were looking for a driver.”

“You new in town?”

For one thing, I’d delete the first sentence and start this paragraph with Amber Jean Monroe stood tall for a girl, etc. For another, I’d look for a way to create a story question here. Later in the narrative, in relation to winning the untouchable Amber, the protagonist says “I don’t take no for an answer.” If this challenge were on the first page, it might be enough to create tension.

But there’s no jeopardy with that, no problem with stakes attached that he has to deal with. There is an almost-missed hint of that later when, asked if he uses drugs, the narrative says:

I did know someone who preferred drugs, though, and he was looking for me.

That would be almost enough. To lift it to story-question levels, some kind of stakes need to be involved.

Here’s a thought for John: The narrative moves from this first page to him applying for a delivery job at the drug store. That’s when he’s asked about drugs. Start with the interview in progress after briefly setting the scene. You could have Amber enter and the person interviewing him, seeing John’s interest in her, could let him know she was the preacher’s daughter and untouchable. This could provoke the not taking a no for an answer. Then the interviewer asks the question about drugs and John makes his statement, and his thoughts could include the danger that would come with the drug person finding him. I’m sure this could be fit on the first page, and then other setup stuff could follow. It would be worth a try.

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

your title
your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Continue reading "Flogometer 1175 for John —will you be moved to turn the page?" »

January 25, 2023 in Flogometer | Permalink | Comments (0)

Flogometer 1175 for Sara —will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

Sara sent the first pages of Rebel Rise, a climate dystopian story. Then she rewrote the opening page and sent that. To my mind, each of the versions has strengths, and the best one incorporates narrative from both. The rest of the chapter from the rewritten version is after the break. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

A poll follows all three versions.

Version 1 (the rewrite>

It’s fitting my story starts with blood since that is how it will end.

In the beginning, I was driving a rusted shovel into hardened desert clay by the light of a waxing moon. A crimson crust of dried blood covered my hands and arms. With each movement, that crust cracked, filling the air with the scent of iron. I took comfort in that smell, despite everything. It wasn’t the first time I’d been covered in my sister’s blood. But it would be the last. All I had left of her now were memories forever tinted red.

When the hole was deep enough, I crawled onto the sand and stepped around the stones that marked the graves of the other siblings I’d lost. At the edge of our familial graveyard was an old cart; inside, was my sister, Amice. She was wrapped in the threadbare polyester blanket I’d used as a child and she’d used most of her life. Fatigued muscles and hushed sobs had me shaking as I picked her up and lowered her into the inky blackness of the hole. I considered throwing myself in on top of her. I’d considered the same thing after digging my first grave a decade ago. And every time since. How easy things would be under four feet of suffocating sand. If it weren’t for Maureen, the last of my family, I might have done it. Maybe once I dug her grave, I’d finally give in to that desire.

The pale light of dawn rose over the eastern edge of the valley wall that surrounded me and set my aching body in motion. If I didn’t get back before my shift started, I’d be digging that (snip)

Version 2 (The first submission)

It’s fitting this story starts with blood since that is how it ends.

The blood that covers me now is hot and wet. Back in the beginning, it was dry. Suffocating. The parched desert air had sucked the moisture from it, leaving behind a crimson crust that cracked each time I drove the shovel into the earth. When I wiped the tears blurring my eyes, the blood on my hands would run again, filling the air with the scent of iron. I took comfort in that smell, despite everything. It wasn’t the first time I had been covered in her blood. But it would be the last.

All I had left of my sister were memories forever tinted red.

I drove the shovel into the hardened clay by dim lamplight. Night made darker by a blanket of smog cast the surroundings in shadow. Yellow lights of the Vinnsburg township reflected off that haze to the west but did nothing to illuminate the desolate valley I was in. My muscles screamed with the effort, and my throat—as dry as the dunes on the horizon—threatened to close. If I’d remembered to fetch water before bed, I would’ve had something to fill my canteen with. If I could do anything right, I wouldn’t be here at all. I’d be making Amice breakfast back in the hovel instead of relying on my tears to quench my thirst as I dug her grave. It wasn’t the first time caring for her hemophilia had brought me to tears. Maybe there was some solace in this being the last. The thought left me chewing my tongue until the taste of my own (snip)

Version 3, combined versions

The blood that covers me now is hot and wet. Back in the beginning, it was dry. Suffocating. The parched desert air had sucked the moisture from it, leaving behind a crimson crust that cracked each time I drove the shovel into the earth. When I wiped the tears blurring my eyes, the blood on my hands would run again, filling the air with the scent of iron. I took comfort in that smell, despite everything. It wasn’t the first time I had been covered in her blood. But it would be the last.

All I had left of my sister were memories forever tinted red.

When the hole was deep enough, I crawled onto the sand and stepped around the stones that marked the graves of the other siblings I’d lost. At the edge of our familial graveyard was an old cart; inside, was my sister, Amice. She was wrapped in the threadbare polyester blanket I’d used as a child and she’d used most of her life. Fatigued muscles and hushed sobs had me shaking as I picked her up and lowered her into the inky blackness of the hole. I considered throwing myself in on top of her. I’d considered the same thing after digging my first grave a decade ago. And every time since. How easy things would be under four feet of suffocating sand. If it weren’t for Maureen, the last of my family, I might have done it. Maybe once I dug her grave, I’d finally give in to that desire.

The pale light of dawn rose over the eastern edge of the valley wall that surrounded me (snip)

My thoughts

The opening one-sentence paragraph just didn’t work for me. The narrative space can be better used, IMO. The revised version lost the immediacy and sense of being in the experience of the character that the original submission had. I liked the opening of the original submission with sensory details and action that put me right into the story. But the rewrite’s narrative after that point served up necessary setup in a way that still managed to raise story questions.

I didn’t deal with line editing of any of the versions, just wanted to get the story off to the best start. Your thoughts?

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

your title
your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Continue reading "Flogometer 1175 for Sara —will you be moved to turn the page?" »

January 16, 2023 | Permalink | Comments (0)

Flogometer 1174 for Sheila —will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

Sheila sends the first pages of Nina Back in Time, a middle-grade time travel mystery. The rest of the chapter is after the break. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

I thought I was a pretty good sleuth (British word for detective), but after my summer at Silver Lake, the camp I didn’t want to go to, I’m sure of it. If you want to hear the whole story, read on. But it's long and involves some flying. If that makes you airsick, fasten your seatbelt. I’ll start at the beginning, so you don’t have to buckle up yet.

Back in March, I didn’t want to go to camp. I didn’t want to meet new people. “You can’t just sit around all summer reading,” Mom had said. SO annoying. She found a camp “in the middle of history,” her words, in the middle of nowhere, my words. It turned out okay, because I met Elkie, who became a better friend to me than Stacey, my oldest friend, who came with me to camp because our moms still think we are best friends.

Oh, I should warn you, Elkie’s got all kinds of super powers. I didn’t know what that meant at first, so I’m telling you for your own good. If you don’t like super powers, stop reading. But if you like surprises, read on. I’m not really giving anything away. Just warning you, like a hot sauce label does.

The big day arrived. After a hundred good-byes to Dad, my brother Benjie, my sister Bree, and most sadly, my bed, Mom drove me to the bus. “Bye, Mom.” I don’t like mushy good-byes. Mom pulled me into a big hug. Ugh. But I meant it when I said, “I’ll miss you, Mom.”

“Remember, Camp North Star Lake is in Seneca Falls, home of the early women’s rights…”

“I know, Mom. You’ve told me like 1,000 times.” She can’t help it, she’s a history professor.

I like the writing and the voice, especially the touches of humor. But . . .

While this opening page aims to tease me into a page turn with hints about super powers and more, it is basically all setup. There’s no actual story here and, thus, no story questions. This character doesn’t have a mystery to solve. We don’t, at this point, even know his/her name nor his/her gender (or should I say “their” gender?). The character has no troubling problem to deal with, nothing is threatening their peaceful middle-grade existence.

I read on, looking for something to make me wonder what happens next (not finding it) and was even more engaged by the writing . . . but there was still no story. Hints of one, perhaps a haunting, but nothing really happens to the character other than meeting people and talking about things. I suggest you look deeper into your manuscript for something happening that matters, that the character has to deal with or suffer consequences. Or, at the least, what most mysteries start with, a body. It may be that the teases will draw in your intended audience, but why not make it stronger? You’ve got the writing chops, put them to work with dramatic happenings.

Your thoughts?

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

your title
your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Continue reading "Flogometer 1174 for Sheila —will you be moved to turn the page?" »

January 06, 2023 in Flogometer | Permalink | Comments (0)

Flogometer 1173 for Chris —will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

Chris sends the first pages of Little Mountain, Big Trouble. The rest of the chapter is after the break. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

I don’t know if there’s an official definition of “bad start to seventh grade,” but getting beat up for the third time in the first six weeks works for me. It started that morning when I walked into science class. As I headed down the aisle to my seat, Tommy Soukup blocked my path. When I tried to slide past, he hip-checked me into a desk. One of the ways he messes with smaller kids. That or stuff someone into a locker for laughs.

Soukup’s way bigger than me and the best athlete in school. His jock friends think he’s a god. But he’s not perfect. He’s an ugly zitface who’s dumb as a rock. He usually has armpit stains on his shirt and smells like BO. As I caught my balance, he folded his arms and smirked.

“Whatsa matter, Melonhead, too fat to fit in the aisle?” His smirk grew into a lop-sided grin, revealing his crooked yellow teeth.

My legs wanted to jet me out of the room, but something snapped in my brain. Maybe I was fed up with his crap. Maybe I had nothing to lose. Soukup was five inches taller and thirty pounds heavier. If he beat me up and I spent a week in the hospital, I’d at least get a vacation from school. I glared at him and said what I’d dreamed up weeks ago but never dared say to his face: “If your brain was dynamite, Suckup, there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off your head.”

The other kids in the room let out a collective gasp. Two girls giggled.

Good writing and voice. This reminded me of a similar thing that happened to me in junior high—I was the little kid, and there was a big bully. I handled it differently though, and the bully ended up a friend.

That’s neither here nor there, though. This opening satisfies the checklist in many ways, including something going wrong for the protagonist and an expectation of more trouble ahead, and those things raise good story questions. I will say, however, that this short chapter ends pretty much tension free, with no story questions popping up. Your thoughts?

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

your title
your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Continue reading "Flogometer 1173 for Chris —will you be moved to turn the page?" »

January 02, 2023 in Flogometer | Permalink | Comments (3)

On Holiday

See you next year!

December 24, 2022 | Permalink | Comments (0)

Flogometer 1174 for Roberta —will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

Roberta sends the first pages of The Counterfeiter. The rest of the chapter is after the break. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

Amsterdam 1944 – 1945, The Hongerwinter

Once there had been beds of tulips, purple, red and yellow flowers in Vondelpark bowing on sturdy stems in the breeze. Now the pockmarked soil was bare with shallow holes where someone had dug up the bulbs, and taken them home, and dropped them in the soup kettle.

Lotte unwrapped the sandwich Bento had made for her and not having the heart to lift a corner of the bread to inspect the contents. She took a bite, anticipating a lot of chewing. Flour was as dear as gold dust. The bread was half sawdust. Between her teeth, like tooth powder, was the grit of it. She stifled a gag remembering the article in the newspaper about how the zoo creatures had been butchered, their flesh distributed to the poor. Lotte forced herself to swallow, refusing to complete her speculation. Since the Germans had occupied Holland five years ago, she’d grown accustomed to ersatz bread and coffee. Meat, really more gristle, than meat, was more difficult to ignore.

She chided herself for her squeamishness. Food should be the last thing on her mind. She had much more important things to worry about.

There was the crunch of gravel on the footpath. A man appeared and sat down on the bench opposite her, a metal lunch box tucked under his arm. An office worker? A school teacher? A store clerk? The important thing was he wasn’t German. He was far too skinny to be (snip)

There’s a little copyediting needed here, but that’s not a dealbreaker if the story is strong enough. This page introduces us to a world that most of us don’t know, and that’s appealing. The writing is sound, and the voice is good. We’re introduced to a sympathetic character and the setting is clear. So what are we missing?

The tension of a strong story question, the story tension of something gone wrong or clearly about to go wrong. That tension appears in this chapter, but not until the end. Until then, it’s exposition and establishment of the world and character. The tension comes from this stranger seeing the yellow star in her bag and her fear that he could report her and her husband. If there’s a way to get that on the first page, and I think there is, then this would earn a yes from me rather than an almost. It would be even stronger if the stranger appears to be a German/Nazi. Your thoughts?

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

your title
your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Continue reading "Flogometer 1174 for Roberta —will you be moved to turn the page?" »

December 21, 2022 in Flogometer | Permalink | Comments (0)

Flogometer 1173 for Cyndi —will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

Today it’s prologue versus chapter as Cyndi sends the first pages of her prologue and first chapter. Which, if either, has a compelling first page? This is from Fatal Errors. The rest of the submission is after the break. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

Prologue

My name is Fatál, emphasis on the second syllable, please. And skip the jokes, I’ve heard them all. Grandma Zigana, bless her heart, thought she was doing me a favor, warding off whatever evil spirits that killed my mother when I was born. Try telling that to a seven-year-old, taunted every day with “Fay-tahl, Fay-tahl, touch her and you’re dead.”

I found out years later that Zigana had cornered the ring-leader of my tormenters one evening after I came home in tears, knees skinned and jacket torn from being worked over on the playground. She’d spun a yarn about wizards like in the Harry Potter books everyone was reading, threw in a dash of her garbled Catholicism and karma, and left him quaking in his high-priced Nikes. Zigana’s always been very good at leaving things unsaid, letting the imagination take over. She knows a person’s own fears are much worse than anything she could suggest. That’s the basis for a good curse—fear.

See we’re Romani, what most people would call Gypsy. At least I’m one-quarter Romani. Zigana had the bad luck to fall in love with a gajo, a non-Rom. So did Harmony, my mother, but I didn’t learn that until I was older. Zigana raised me. It was just the two of us. She’s proud of being Roma, but there’s a little shame, too, after growing up on the receiving end of the all-too-human tendency to mistreat what we don’t understand. It’s not so bad now, but from little things Zigana says, it wasn’t always good to be labeled “Gypsy” here in southwest Ohio, or anywhere, (snip)

Chapter

So I’m a hacker—get over it. My boss Patrice sure did, as long as she could use me. But I didn’t realize that until I got fired. That Gypsy sixth-sense Grandma Zigana insists I have failed me miserably.

Patrice had appeared at my cubicle in the Gem City Business College computer center the week after Thanksgiving and offered to buy coffee. Of course I accepted, figuring she wanted another hack. Only after we were seated at Beaner’s did she blindside me.

“You’re firing me?” I echoed.

I clutched my mug of chai, hoping to ward off the chill her announcement caused. My strident question silenced the chatty barista at the counter behind me, and I wanted him and the trio at the next table to stop staring. They did when I glared at them.

Patrice looked everywhere but at me as she fidgeted, adding more sugar to her already syrupy coffee, checking her watch.

“You’re firing me,” I repeated, only a tad calmer.

“It’s been brought to my attention that you’ve been bypassing security protocols to gain access to confidential files.” Patrice could have been reading from the employee handbook. Silence stretched while a scathing response eluded me. My mood dropped to match the gloomy weather. Twice in my twenty-four years, my hacking had backfired, leaving me betrayed (snip)

In my view, prologues seldom grab me unless they are a scene with story tension. This prologue gives us an appealing voice and good writing and lots of backstory and setup. Tension? Not for this reader. If your prologue is the first thing a reader sees, shouldn’t it work as hard to grip a reader and provide tension as the story? My advice is to work on folding necessary information from here into the actual story as things happen. Cyndi can do it, I’m sure.

The first page of chapter 1 does manage to create some tension with something going wrong for the protagonist, and anyone who has ever been fired (I have, twice, for being too good at my job) knows what a blow this is. But it’s not an unmanageable blow if that’s all there is and the consequences are not dire. In this case, that’s the case—the stakes are not shown as being particularly high.

But later in the chapter we learn that if this firing is reported to the character’s parole board, they could be sent back to prison. Now, those are strong stakes. I’d work to get that on the first page. It shouldn’t be hard to do. Your thoughts?

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

your title
your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Continue reading "Flogometer 1173 for Cyndi —will you be moved to turn the page?" »

December 19, 2022 in Flogometer | Permalink | Comments (4)

Flogometer 1172 for John —will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

John sends the first chapter of an untitled science fiction story. The rest of the chapter is after the break. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

Missy, the wife of my bosom, didn't begin life as a Missy. Her parents being folks of a romantic, imaginative nature, she started out as something dubbed Minsterwood; but no one, not even her parents, ever called her by that name. No, it was always Mincie, or Minnie, and she tells me that an old, far too clever boyfriend experimented with Woody and Woods. More than anything, she says, that made her first decide to eventually cast him into the outer darkness.

I laugh at that story whenever she repeats it, and remind her that life has blessed her, ever and finally, with only one old boyfriend: Guy Landis. That is to say, me.

On a Friday evening in our stateroom aboard the former asteroid now known as the ISS Tascheter, we have resumed this familiar, playful conversation. Granted, you can often find us in a familiar, playful conversation of some kind. But because the crew has lifted the booze-ration lid for the next several hours, Missy and I have just poured the first of our Lower Manhattans -- a tipple of our own devising, with bourbon and Campari at its heart -- and the evening's playfulness has just begun. Several old pals from past revels about the ship are scheduled to arrive within the next hour or two, and we look forward to much more laughter, and much bending of elbows and ears.

(Such, anyway, is our fantasy of the moment. But when you're in our line of work -- poking our noses into places where they're not wanted -- who knows what adventures might lie ahead?)

On the positive side, the voice is clear and likeable, and the writing is as well. You can have confidence in this writer . . . to a point. The point where confidence wanes is when we finish the first page with nary a story question raised, no sense of tension, no reason to wonder what will happen next. We have a nicely done introduction to the protagonist and can anticipate that a party will be happening, but that’s about it. As readers, we may suspect that this tranquil moment, or the party, will be shattered by events to come, but they’re not here in time. The only thing I found of real interest is that they are on a "former" asteroid. But that's hardly story. In my view, this whole chapter is nothing more than setup. The real story starts later. Show us that page, John. Your thoughts?

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

your title
your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Continue reading "Flogometer 1172 for John —will you be moved to turn the page?" »

December 09, 2022 in Flogometer | Permalink | Comments (1)

Flogometer 1171 for Sharon —will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

Sharon sends the first chapter of BJ’s Story. The rest of the chapter is after the break. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

Virgil awoke late at night to find his wife gone. He kicked off the sweaty bed sheet, box springs squeaked when he sat up. A steady breeze, weighed down with humidity, carried the vanillalike fragrance of Joe Pye weed and the faint sound of laughter through an open window.

He stood behind fluttering white sheers and watched Marie trot across the back yard, her long black curls bouncing with each footfall. The opaque security light above the barn doors cast an eerie pallor on the limbs of an elm tree draped with Spanish moss. He noticed her belly, in the narrow space between her shirt and shorts, seemed rounder than normal. He lazily scratched his ass, wondered what the hell she’s doing.

A man stepped out of the shadows, and drew her into an embrace. They kissed for a moment, then entered the barn.

Marie came back out. She turned her head from side to side, looked up. Virgil leaned back without thinking.

The man clasped her hand. “C’mere, baby.” He brought a shiny metal flask to his lips and took a long swig.

She giggled again. “Gimme some.”

“Sh! Not yet.” He pulled her into the barn, loosely swung one door shut, the other already latched at the top.

This opening page is strong with story questions, plenty to make me wonder what will happen next. The scene is well set, so we know the context of the action.

There are little issues with tense here and there, and the staging left out the man coming back out of the barn—that really should be there. There’s a little head-hopping in the chapter that follows, but the story moves well and keeps its tension. The little glitches are easily fixed with an edit, so it works for me. Your thoughts?

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

your title
your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Continue reading "Flogometer 1171 for Sharon —will you be moved to turn the page?" »

December 07, 2022 in Flogometer | Permalink | Comments (0)

A new way to sell your stories

Have you heard about Kindle Vella? It's an Amazon platform where you can read episodes from stories and novels. Each "episode" is similar to a chapter in a novel--but a short one. Most of the episodes I've looked at are about 1500 to 2000 words long. Instead of book covers, you see circular graphics for the stories like this one.

The first two episodes of any story are free, after that you can buy "tokens" for reading more. A 2000-word episode costs 20 tokens. There are various amounts of tokens you can buy, but one is 200 tokens for $1.99. You can also get 250 tokens for free when you first sign up--I received a promotional email that doubled that number. You can buy larger blocks of tokens for slightly less.

The royalty you receive from readers who spend their tokens on your story is minuscule, but my research shows that Kindle pays bonuses just for posting episodes, though I don't know how to calculate what they might be. One writer earns several hundred dollars per week.

I'm going to try Vella for a couple of my novels and will inform you here of when an episode is posted. I'm thinking two episodes per week, about 2000 words each.

You can learn more and sign up here. If you have an Amazon account, that's all you need to sign up for Vella. I assume that creating an Amazon account if you don't have one is required.

So check it out, and expect to see me there soon.

For what it's worth,

Ray

December 06, 2022 | Permalink | Comments (0)

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