Cheryl Campbell, an editing client of mine, has published her latest novel, Bodies In the Bayou. It's a thriller and a good read, I recommend you give it a look.
The Amazon page is here.
Happy reading.
Ray
Flogometer 1195 for Renee—will you be moved to turn the page?
Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist (PDF here)
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.
Renee has sent the opening of Nature's Daughter. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.
THWACK!
It was a solid blow to his shoulder, but the raider only stumbled. He neither fell nor dropped his burden. He whipped around to face me.
Taking several steps backward to stay out of his reach, I ordered, “Drop her and go.”
I would not have stopped his race toward the woods with the rest of the god-cursed attackers if that bundle across his shoulder had been a grain sack. I had caught up with him just outside of the tree line.
He made a slashing motion. I felt something brush past me, as if a light breeze. I raised my rake higher and repeated, “Drop her and go.”
I could see his eyes widen in the moonlight. He dumped the girl carelessly to the ground. “I will take you,” the raider snarled, lunging toward me.
I tried to strike him again, but he flung up an arm and it was as if an invisible hand yanked the rake from my hands. Before I could do more than gasp, one hand grabbed my arm while his other drew back in a fist.
Thunk!
The raider arched forward, his mouth opening on a silent scream before collapsing onto the ground. Wheeler stood a dozen or so feet away, his axe buried to the hilt in the raider’s back. I had (snip)
A good example of the virtues of beginning a story in medias res, in the midst of action. This opening does a fine job of raising a strong what happens next? story question. About the “invisible” hand—that sounds like magic, which adds interest for me.
I do have issues with the “It” that opens the first sentence. The pronoun has no antecedent, so its meaning is absent. I suggest being clearer. Perhaps something such as:
I gave the raider a solid blow to his shoulder with my rake, but he only stumbled.
I also doubt that Wheeler’s axe could be buried in the raider’s back “to the hilt.” A knife blade could go in to the hilt, but an axe head seems to large to do that. Your thoughts? Comments are greatly appreciated.
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
- Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
- And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.
Flogging the Quill © 2025 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2025 by Renee.
Flog a free BookBubber 424: Bridget E. Baker—does this first page work for you?
In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books from BookBub. The challenge is if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Here is the first page of the prologue of Anchored, a fantasy. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.
The human brain interprets an image in thirteen milliseconds. At any given time, more than a hundred billion neurons are firing in the gray matter of an average kid. I learned that on my very last day of school.
The day before I escaped.
In spite of all those speedy, hard-working neurons, humans frequently make very poor split-second decisions. I’m kind of the expert on the consequences of bad calls.
If the semi-truck driver had serviced his brakes properly, my parents might still be alive. If I’d just lied about my bizarre dreams of Terra, Aunt Trina might not have surrendered us to the state. If I’d dealt with things better at the group home, well. There probably isn’t any reality where that would have happened. But if I hadn’t freaked out and screamed at my caseworker when he suggested separating me from my big brother Jesse, he might never have fixated on me.
If so many tiny details in my life had played out just a smidge better, someone else could be stuck making this decision instead of me. Someone else could be responsible for saving the world, and that would probably be way better for, well, for everyone.
Because if I'm being honest, I'm not sure the world deserves to be saved.
You can read more here (free to Kindle readers). This earned 4.2 stars on Amazon. For me, this was an intriguing opening. Strong voice, crisp writing, likeable character, strong story questions raised. If you like fantasy, I urge you to check this book out. Your thoughts? Comments welcome, they help the author.
Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 423: Marcus Lee—does this first page work for you?
In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books from BookBub. The challenge is if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.
In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers and free BookBub books, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free BookBub books still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Here is the first page of Kings & Daemons, a fantasy. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.
The moon shone fiercely, brushing aside any attempt by the clouds to diminish its radiance. Usually, the glow would have brought comfort, a respite from the night’s black embrace, but not this night.
Instead, it brought everything into stark contrast, creating shadows in which evil spirits might lurk, waiting to snatch the unwary who were foolish enough to walk the streets at this hour.
Except, nobody was left to walk these particular streets.
Doors hung askew on rotting hinges, thatched roofs sagged or had collapsed, and windows stared vacantly like empty eye sockets.
Rats scurried about, seeking something to eat. The bodies of the village’s inhabitants had long been picked clean, insects were few, and the malnourished rodents eyed each other hungrily. Soon they’d turn on each other, and only the strongest would survive, but only for a short while.
Next to the settlement had stood a vibrant forest, providing the building materials for the once-thriving community. Now the trees were rotting. Many lay fallen like slain giants, a stinking bog beneath slowly sucking them down to a watery grave.
Astren sighed as he surveyed the desolation, the bleakness almost overwhelming. One day, the whole world might look like this place.
You can read more here (free to Kindle Unlimited readers). This earned 4.2 stars on Amazon. The writing is okay, though I’d want to edit it. The issue here is where is there a commanding story question in all this setup? Not there. Later, the first chapter introduces a strong main character, at least at first blush. I don’t think this prologue gives you information that you need. Just start the darned story! Your thoughts? Comments welcome, they help the author.
Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 422: Molly Fitz—does this first page work for you?
In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books from BookBub. The challenge is if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.
In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers and free BookBub books, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free BookBub books still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Here is the first page of Merlin Takes a Familiar, an urban fantasy mystery. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.
My name is Gracie Springs, and I’ve always been a pretty normal girl. I work as a barista while working toward my master’s degree in Sociology. I’ve finished all my coursework but still haven’t landed upon the perfect thesis topic. And I can’t earn my degree until I do.
Oops.
Meanwhile I live in a small suburban town in Southern Georgia called Elderberry Heights. And the name fits it to a T, because most of my neighbors are somewhere north of seventy years old. I’m living in my grandma Grace’s house, which she left behind when she chose to move south to a trendy retirement community in the Florida Keys.
She gave me the home where she raised my father and all my uncles, saying it was my early inheritance and that I’d always been her favorite, anyway—and not just because we shared a name.
She left all her furniture and decor, which means my house has at least three dozen hand-crocheted doilies and the living room is made up of brown floral couches and honey oak side tables. I don’t have the heart—or the money—to change anything.
Grandma Grace also left me this ragamuffin cat that turned up at her doorstep only days before she’d been scheduled to move out and me to move in. The vet says he’s a Maine Coon. I say he’s much larger than any cat should ever be, especially considering all that stripey fur that (snip)
You can read more here. This earned 4.3 stars on Amazon. Well, the first page isn’t a grabber. It does introduce strong writing and a likeable voice, but no story question. If that were the sole criteria, this page would merit a pass.
But there’s also that inviting voice. But mostly the key factor here is me—I not only like cats, but I wrote two novels starring a vampire kitty-cat. Click here to see more about them. So I turned the page and was soon rewarded (on the third page, ordinarily too late) with the cat levitating. In a few more pages, the protagonist’s boss drops dead in front of her, she is suspected of his murder, and the cat talks to her, introducing himself as Merlin. Yeah, that Merlin. Bottom line, I bought the book.
Maybe the lesson to learn is that, with an Amazon book, it can pay to look inside and follow a temptingly good voice. Your thoughts? Comments welcome, they help the author.
Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 421: PJ Peterson—does this first page work for you?
In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books from BookBub. The challenge is if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.
In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers and free BookBub books, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free BookBub books still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Here is the first page of Killer Flowers, a cozy mystery. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.
The wind howled outside on Friday afternoon in late October, and the lights flickered off for a moment while Christie O’Mara floated around the flower and gift shop. She flicked an imaginary wisp of dust off an antique cherry writing desk. She straightened a ribbon bow on the gigantic vase of fresh flowers sitting on the glass table next to her order station. A bouquet of balloons danced in front of the fan that she had placed strategically behind the display.
Christie clasped her hands together and smiled at the transformation before her eyes. She was ready for the grand re-opening the next day of the florist shop which had belonged to her grandma. Because it was the week before Halloween, she had decorated with a ghostly theme using witches and pumpkins against a purple and orange backdrop.
Six weeks ago, her mother had called with the sad news that Grandma Maude O’Mara had died unexpectedly. Christie recalled the many happy hours she had spent helping her grandma and Aunt Doris in the shop, and she grieved the loss of this special person in her life. She was thankful that she had been able to have a long conversation with her a week before her death, not knowing it would be the last.
Christie had spent weekends and summers at the shop. She had been fascinated to learn both the flowers’ names and their meanings. Her aunt, who was actually her great-aunt, her grandmother’s younger sister, had patiently taught Christie how to arrange flowers in beautiful (snip)
No poll, please comment instead. The cost of polls has gone up so, instead of a poll, please give your vote in a comment. Many thanks.
You can read more here. This earned 4.1 stars on Amazon. Maybe the cozy mystery genre typically features info-dump openings, but they don’t work for this reader. This is another writer who thinks the reader needs to know all this stuff before the mystery starts. I wouldn’t do that, if I were you. The mystery may be fine, but I wouldn’t be there when it happens.
But I looked further and, sure enough, found a good hook that could have been on the first page. She finds an envelope taped on the underside of a writing desk she’s readying to sell. In it there is this:
I hope you will ignore any rumors that I killed anyone. I swear it wasn’t me. There were a bunch of guys involved in the fight, but I didn’t know any of them. Maybe the sheriff will figure out the truth.
I would definitely have pursued a narrative that started out with that. Your thoughts? Please comment.
Flogometer 1194 for Kevin—will you be moved to turn the page?
Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist (PDF here)
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.
Kevin has sent the first chapter of Insomnia. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.
Thirty-six hours before he died in my arms, his voice echoed through my dream. I had been staring up through murky water at flickering starlight above me. The ocean salt burned my eyes. My lungs began to hurt. I needed air. Kicking upwards, I reached towards the light. When my head broke the surface, the first breath tasted of seaweed and fish. Where was I? Water stretched in every direction as far as the eye could see.
I wasn’t alone. Other people were bobbing around me, sucking in the warm sea breeze. Who were they? I spun around. People were all around me, in every direction. How did they get here? Elderly folk, children as young as six or seven; people of every shape and size. What was going on? Everyone looked bewildered. Did I know any of them? I didn’t recognize any of them.
Someone familiar. That was the question that would get repeated the most in math class the next day. Did you see someone you knew? Some people claimed they had. Some people saw celebrities. We hadn’t just all had the same dream. We had all been in the same dream. But I didn’t recognize anyone.
“Where’s the nearest beach?” an old man's voice nervous came from behind me. All around, similar murmurs could be heard. Up to three billion murmuring voices, if the news reports the next day were to be believed.
In terms of story questions, I think this is a strong opening page--we're advised to never open with a dream, but this dream is central to the story and works. I would turn the page to learn more about what’s happening. But I think there are narrative issues that need work.
First, lose the rhetorical questions. Just let the action flow and work in our imaginations. Yes, your character might well think these questions, but your readers will do that as well, you don’t need to express them.
And I was irritated by the lack of identity of whoever it was that died in his arms. I skimmed through the whole chapter and didn’t learn his identity. It’s important to know what this man meant to the protagonist. If it was his father, that would be much different from a stranger the narrator came across on a beach. Give us a name and a relationship for the dying man and you’ll have a much better start to this story.
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
- Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
- And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.
Flogging the Quill © 2025 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2025 by Kevin.
Flogometer 1193 for Jan—will you be moved to turn the page?
Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist (PDF here)
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.
Jan has sent the first chapter of 55 Days. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.
Joe reared back on his potter’s stool as a pain shot through his body, followed by a sickening rush of nausea. His fingers crabbed in a sudden spasm and slipped off the wet clay, sending the half-formed bowl off balance, thumping and banging like a car with a blown tyre.
Taut with frustration, Joe heaved his jerking foot off the pedal that turned the wheel and slammed his palm into the switch that turned off the machine. It hummed as it spun to a stop. Clutching his head, Joe cursed as the lopsided bowl slumped in on itself.
The third time it had happened in one week, shaming him even more.
# # #
“There ya go.” The old captain held Anna’s arm as she clambered on to the wharf in the fading light then handed up her shopping bags from the back of the boat. “Look out for those slippery steps.”
“Thanks, Skip. I appreciate the late ride home.”
She watched as he untied the line. With a final wave he turned the battered water taxi in a lazy arc out into the Hauraki Gulf, back toward the distant lights on the mainland.
Anna zipped up her jacket, picked up the two bags and set off, trudging up the only sealed road on the island. She inhaled deeply as the autumn mist rose from the steep side of the valley to kiss her skin. It was hard to believe it was already May. She usually loved the thirty-(snip)
Yet another well-written narrative . . . but it reminds me of a literary agent’s statement that “good writing isn’t enough.” In this opening, I don’t feel we are given enough information to either understand what’s going on or feel for the character.
I read on, of course, that being my job here. The narrative wound on with goings-on in the character’s lives, and there were hints of trouble . . . but I was frustrated by not knowing what the core issue was.
Finally, I learned that Joe is suffering from Huntington’s disease, a tragic and incurable disease. For my money, that needs to be included in the opening paragraphs in Joe’s POV. What happens in the studio are symptoms of the disease, and he should, I think, think of that. And of the distress it’s causing him—he will lose his livelihood and his art to the disease. For me, that should inform and illuminate what happens. His wife’s thoughts and attitudes make a great deal more sense if we know about Joe’s problem. And I wonder about him feeling shamed. Yes, I can understand that, but wouldn’t he also feel immense fear with the hand of death and tragedy on his shoulder?
I suggest you fold in the information we need about Huntington’s disease and its effect on his life and mind and then get to the other thing that’s needed here—a story question about a problem he/they has/have and what they do to try to address it. Your thoughts?
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
- Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
- And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.
Flogging the Quill © 2025 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2025 by Jan.
Flogometer 1192 for Shelley—will you be moved to turn the page?
Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist (PDF here)
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.
Shelley has sent the first chapter of The 13th Birthday. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.
I tug on the last thick strands of my braid, bind it with one of my mother’s clips, and slip my gun into my pink holster. Swinging the front door open, I see Cassa slip on the wood sidewalk below, despite the sand shoveled, waving at me and grinning.
I know Cassa will ask about Papa’s speech, and I worry on what to tell her. I have to change Papa’s mind before tonight. He can’t make his speech. It will be dangerous for him. And me.
“Taya?”
“I’m ready,” I say, grabbing my coat off the hook by our front door. Cassa stands, silhouetted by the sunlight from behind, her breath steaming out like a dragon.
“The wood is slippery this morning,” Cassa says, buttoning her coat over her holster.
“I saw,” I say, laughing. She reaches out to touch the clip, holding my braid intact. “I remember this one,” she says softly.
I push down the familiar stir that rises when I think of Mother. I’m never sure if it’s anger or just plain pain.
“You two leaving early?” Papa asks, stepping out of his bedroom, coughing.
I reach for the warm pot of cunning root tea and pour him a cup.
“Good morning, Mayor Carmonday,” Cassa dips a slight curtsy to my father. “My mother (snip)
Good, clear writing and voice. There is a little POV break, the reference to the color of the holster. A character wouldn’t be thinking of that. There are continuity glitches, too. Cassa is on the sidewalk below, right? Then she reaches out to touch Taya’s braid. But the narrative never showed her coming up to the front door, and it needs to. Also, while she’s at the front door she pours a cup of tea for her father. The staging needs to be thought out and made clear.
So now on to story questions. Even though nothing happens to the character to immediately cause trouble, there is a hint of jeopardy ahead. While it does create some tension, I think it needs to be more deadly.
The reference to delivering the speech being “dangerous” to her and her father could be stronger. For example, could she fear that the speech will provoke an assassin’s bullet? Find a way to raise the stakes that this dangerousness causes.
I also think there’s a missed opportunity to bring in a bit of the world of this story that raises questions. On the second page, there is this:
Beneath us, in the steel tunnel deeply embedded in the earth, the rhythmic banging of metal on metal from the prisoners reaches my ears.
To make room for those two lines, here is an edit that gets them in:
I bind the last thick strands of my braid with one of my mother’s clips and slip my gun into my holster. Swinging the front door open, I see Cassa slip on the wood sidewalk below, despite the sand shoveled, waving at me and grinning.
She will ask about Papa’s speech, and I worry on what to tell her. I have to change Papa’s mind before tonight. He can’t make his speech. It will be dangerous for him. And me.
“Taya?”
“Ready.” I grab my coat off the hook by our front door.
“The wood is slippery this morning,” Cassa says, buttoning her coat over her holster.
“I saw,” I say, laughing. When I reach her, she touches the clip holding my braid intact. “I remember this one,” she says softly.
I push down the familiar stir that rises when I think of Mother. I’m never sure if it’s anger or just plain pain.
“Let’s go,” I say, grabbing her arm and taking care on the sidewalk.
Beneath us, in the steel tunnel deeply embedded in the earth, the rhythmic banging of metal on metal from the prisoners reaches my ears.
Your thoughts?
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
- Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
- And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.
Flogging the Quill © 2025 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2025 by Shelley.
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Recent Posts
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