Flogging the Quill

Flogometer 1087 for Aurelia —are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Aurelia sends the prologue and first chapter of Amser. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

Prologue

The darkness showed a promise. Of a fresh dawn. Or of a permanent ending.

The frosty air wrapped around me like a vicious, icy vine, intent on suppressing whatever few breaths, I was managing to inhale. The ground looked absolute white, layered thickly with frost. The air and frost together, caressing my skin slowly, luring away heat from my body. It almost looked as if they would maintain this action until they perhaps stole my pink blush and supplanted it effectively with cold blue. Even rubbing my hands yielded a paltry amount of warmth that accomplished nothing in appeasing the rapacious appetite of the wintry air around me.

Nothing came to my mind. Every spell, every charm was hazy and blurry. I was even incompetent to perform the simple lighting charm that was taught to infants. Beginning to feel like a want-wit due to my present incapacity, I gave up any effort of trying to remember spells and sank my arms slowly on the frigid ground.

I was trapped in here. With not a single way out. I tried searching for anything that would help me get out of here- a door, a window, a crevice - everything but detected nothing. I had no inkling as to how I ever got in here in the first place. All I remembered was that one blow of gentle air and then, complete nothingness.

Sound of steady footsteps pierced the utter silence. The sound ceased but then (snip)

Chapter 1

"The Wheel is turning in our direction."

I massaged my throbbing temples as I glanced at the words inscribed on the cover of her grandmother's journal. The meaning of the words escaped my brain completely. Not knowing, what to make of the statement, I started taking a better look at the complete journal.

Bound in russet leather, cracked and dry with age, the thick, aged book felt much lighter than it looked. An intricate array of designs were etched across the entire cover from front to back. There was no title on it, except the quotation and my grandmother's name - Louella Abornazine, indicating that I was indeed right to assume it as a journal.

Taking great care, I cracked open the tatty journal. A sound like a small sigh came as a result of the action and a warm and musty smell greeted my nostrils. I tried to breath and smell the forgotten words of my grandmother but ended up inhaling the dust also, causing me to sneeze loudly. Achoo!

The old, thin oniony pages of the journal were so delicate that I feared that they might tear up at the slightest jerk. I slowly turned the first blank page and began reading the contents of the journal.

The ink of the words felt fresh and real as if written just yester eve. The words were written in a crisp, clear handwriting and detailed all the mundane tasks that a witch of (snip)

Very nice writing here, especially appropriate for fantasy. I responded to the voice, as well, and liked that the voices in the prologue and the chapter felt like different people.

For me, the opening page of the prologue had the writing and the story question it needed to earn a page-turn. And, after I read the whole prologue, I wanted it to continue with that story. I was disappointed when it ended.

Then came chapter 1. Still good writing and voice. But it turned out to be primarily setup. There were no story questions raised as far I could see. Is the writer counting on the story questions raised by the prologue to keep this page turning as well? I think so, but I was let down. I was in the grip of a story and then I was transported to setup. For me, this chapter needs to start out running with strong story questions. They didn’t come in the first chapter, perhaps they do in the second. Your thoughts, readers?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Aurelia.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1086 for Shannon —are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Shannon sends the first chapter of Let the Light In. The rest of the chapter after the break.

There was something inherently wrong about dying on one’s birthday. For someone more precise than my mother, it might have been pleasing, satisfying, like a picture frame hanging perfectly straight or Tupperware stacked in towers and rows, each with matching lid. To know that her life was neatly wrapped up in exactly thirty-six years, no extra days waving loose. But my mother hadn’t cared about things like that. If we’d had pictures on the walls of our cramped flat, frames knocked in passing would have stayed crooked for months. If we’d even owned Tupperware—if she had cooked a day in her thirty-six years—its cupboard would have been a bomb site.

And here I’d thought Mum had already experienced the worst birthday, the one a decade earlier. The one when her boyfriend broke up with her instead of proposing, slipped out the door, back to his mansion and his wife. At seven years old I’d watched her collapse, icing and crumbs trailing down the door from where the birthday cake made impact.

No, on a scale of one to dead, this birthday trumped that one.

I wasn’t crying. Shouldn’t I be crying? The last words we’d spoken were the death throes of an argument. Surely that was even more reason to cry, but instead it sucked all moisture from my eyes. My mouth, too. Full of cotton wool, no room for words. But my mother’s final sentences had yet to leave me, still filtered like dye through my water-logged (snip)

Good writing and a clear voice almost started me off in the right direction. The “almost” comes from a clarity issue caused by the first sentence.

There was something inherently wrong about dying on one’s birthday.

You see, I took that sentence as being said by a protagonist who was now dead. Other novels have been narrated by dead people, and this seemed to be that. But it’s not. It is her mother who has died on that day. As the chapter unfolds, it seems as if the mother either committed suicide or was murdered, which is unfortunately not revealed. For me, whichever it is should have been brought up early on. If on the first page, it could have raised story questions.

Speaking of story questions, there isn’t much of one. When you analyze this, it starts off with musing. Then there’s a bit of flashback. The last paragraph does begin to immerse us in the character, and perhaps there is a story question—what was the argument about? But, with nothing there about a suspicious or tragic cause of death, the argument doesn’t seem related to the death, only to their relationship. I think there are strong story elements in this story, but they need to be present on the first page, as much as can be done. Go through the checklist and see how your narrative matches up. Your thoughts, readers?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Shannon.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 189: John W Mefford—strong story questions demand answers

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of At Bay, one of a three-book set. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

For a fleeting moment, I could feel my breath stutter against my chest. Then the smell of fear returned, choking every other sense.

Piss. And not just a passing waft. It seemed like my head had been dunked in it, with a hint of crap lingering in the damp air. But there was more. An underlying scent of stale disinfectant clawed at my nostrils.

I tried to swallow, but a sticky saliva filled my mouth. I would have hurled had I not been scared to death.

I called out. No discernible words. I think I pushed air through my voice box, but I couldn’t hear a damn thing.

Where was I? Why couldn’t I speak?

Other than the pungent mixture of smells, a dark fog suffocated me. Suddenly, my chest lifted faster, and I heard a rushing thump. The rapid beating of my heart.

I tried reaching out, but I couldn’t feel my arm. I wasn’t even sure I had an arm. I couldn’t feel a fucking thing.

Somehow I sensed tears pooling. I hoped, begged to feel water run down my face. But it didn’t happen. Nothing happened.

Was I alive? Maybe...partially. But not completely.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.3 stars on Amazon. Full disclosure: this was listed on BookBub as free, but actually it’s free only if you have a Kindle Unlimited account. I do, and have read a ton of novels with it.

I call for immersing the reader in the character’s experience, and this one surely does that. The writing and voice are strong, and we are immediately involved with someone who is clearly in trouble. We don’t know much about the character yet, but the story questions are strong. What happened? What’s wrong? Is she (you later learn this is a woman) going to live?

This is an example of the waking-up-in-a-hospital opening, which is sort of a clichéd situation, but I thought this one worked pretty well. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1085 for Anna —are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Anna sends the first chapter of Where the Crawdads Sing . The rest of the chapter after the break.

It was the first time she had been out of the house since the funeral. She walked briskly through the countryside towards town. Her footsteps as light as her heart. Although her steps were filled with hope, she knew her walk to town this morning was not without its perils.

The dirt path broadened and bustling downtown came into view. The sights at once overwhelmed her senses. She studied every line, shape and object that grazed her eyes. She tuned her ear to every sound and surveyed every face.

Everything was exactly the way she had left it. Her smile melted. Her footsteps became heavier. Yet, she stubbornly clung to her optimistic spirit, hoping that those she greeted would kindly do the same.

“Good morning Mrs. Plum, Mrs. Chandler.” Catherine waved but didn’t stop to join the women conversing in front of the bakery.

Mrs. Plum stretched out her hand to return the greeting as customary but instantly drew her hand back as if touching fire and her face curled up in such agitation that Mrs. Chandler stopped her busy chattering to witness the cause of the agitation. Mrs. Chandler’s narrow set eyes grew as wide as a frog’s. Her jaw dropped and she hastily covered her mouth. Neither of them returned the greeting.

Catherine bravely pressed on. Other passerby’s were slightly more cordial than Mrs. Plum (snip)

There’s some nice writing here, and the scene is fairly well set, though I wasn’t able to easily visualize the size of the town. Starting with a dirt path, it seemed like it would be a village rather than a place with a “bustling downtown.” But that’s not all that important.

There is tension here about something the reader doesn’t know about and doesn’t learn about on this page, which, for me, weakens the tension. In other words, what is the problem? What is the trouble? What are the consequences? What is the compelling story question?

The primary story question I get from this page is why are people being nasty and rude to this sympathetic character? Fundamentally, it is primarily setup. In fact, the rest of the chapter is setup—we don’t get to anything happening that the character has to deal with or that causes a problem for her. I think the story starts later, and encourage Anna to look for that point where something problematic happens that forces the character to take action. Meanwhile, there are a few craft issues that should be looked at. A brief edit:

It was the first time she had been out of the house since the funeral. She walked briskly through the countryside towards town. Her footsteps as light as her heart. Although her steps were filled with hope, she knew her walk to town this morning was not without its perils. “the funeral” is a bit vague. this would have more meaning if it were “her husband’s funeral” and would inform what follows. The sentence fragment would serve better if it were a part of the opening sentence. While I respect voice, I feel that continuing to give emotions to her steps rather than the person doesn’t work well. The goal is to immerse the reader in the character’s experience, not that of her feet.

The dirt path broadened and the bustling downtown came into view. The sights at once overwhelmed her senses. She studied every line, shape and object that grazed her eyes. She tuned her ear to every sound and surveyed every face. The highlighted sentence is “telling.” Show us the reactions that let us know that she is overwhelmed. Maybe it would be best to just cut that sentence and stick with what’s happening within her.

Everything was exactly the way she had left it. Her smile melted. Her footsteps became heavier. Yet, she stubbornly clung to her optimistic spirit, hoping that those she greeted would kindly do the same. I would cut the highlighted sentence because, since the reader doesn’t know how she left it or what might be bad about that, this doesn’t mean much. The following descriptions do a better job of showing and immersing.

“Good morning Mrs. Plum, Mrs. Chandler.” Catherine waved but didn’t stop to join the women conversing in front of the bakery.

Mrs. Plum stretched out her hand to return the greeting as customary but instantly drew her hand back as if touching fire and her face curled up in such agitation that Mrs. Chandler stopped her busy chattering to witness the cause of the agitation. Mrs. Chandler’s narrow set eyes grew as wide as a frog’s. Her jaw dropped and she hastily covered her mouth. Neither of them returned the greeting. "instantly drew" is weak adverbial description. Look for a stronger verb such as jerked or yanked.

Catherine bravely pressed on. Other passersby passerby’s were slightly more cordial than Mrs. Plum (snip) “bravely pressed on” is a weak bit of adverbial description. Can you show us? Does she lift her chin? Straighten her back and square her shoulders as she passes?

I liked the character and would have been happy to have been more involved with her, but we need more tension in the narrative. Your thoughts, readers?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Anna.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1084 for Alex —are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Alex sends the first chapter of The Seer’s Legacy . The rest of the chapter after the break.

Of course, there’s nothing unusual about a flame flickering in a gray morning, yet Aedan Cross swore he could hear the one before him murmur in resistance. The flame, only inches from his face, seemed to leap out at him in a desperate attempt to free itself of the matchstick, as if it somehow wasn’t quite content.

“FREAK!”

Aedan jumped, and just like that, the match went out. A few kids, who’d been playing kickball, had noticed Aedan sitting at the edge of the field, sitting alone on a curb below a light post.

A big girl sniggered. “What do you even look for in that thing?”

Everyone stopped to watch the disturbance with mingled looks of disgust and horror. Aedan was used to this, but he had other things on his mind — like the fact that he felt so close to finally discovering what that flame was trying to communicate.

“Hearing voices again, Jay?” a boy next to the girl mocked, looking at Aedan, who grimaced. He had a sudden urge to yell at the boy and tell him that wasn’t his real name. But he knew he couldn’t.

Aedan stood. “What if you’re all just deaf?” He felt irritated that he had been interrupted once again, and his surroundings were reflecting this. The light post above him flickered in sync (snip)

Okay, we start with good writing and voice. The scene is sketched out, and something is happening. But what? There is conflict between Aedan and the other kids, but that doesn’t amount to much more than teasing at this stage. The first-page narrative ends before anything out of the ordinary happens. Yeah, he’s been “listening” to a flame, and that helps establish something. But what?

If the narrative were trimmed just a little, and that wouldn’t be hard, the first page could have included this: The light post above him flickered in sync . . .

. . . with his excited heartbeat.

Two things: clearly it isn’t the light pole that flickers, but the light. Second thing: having a light flicker with your heartbeat signals that something is coming, and raises story questions. This would have been stronger if that had been there. It would be even stronger if the coming part about the light exploding were there. As it is, this gets an “Almost” from me.

Your thoughts, readers?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Alex.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 188: M. Louisa Locke—leisurely exposition and flashback = dead stop

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of Bloody Lessons. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

Laura Dawson surveyed the row of long division problems she had written on the blackboard. Noting the blurring of a number in the third problem, she frowned, took the eraser, and scrubbed away the offending numeral, replacing it with a neatly written seven that could not be misinterpreted as a one. Thank goodness San Francisco’s Clement Grammar School was only four years old, so the slate board that filled the entire back of the room didn’t have the chips and scratches that marred the board in the Cupertino Creek School, the rural one-room school west of San Jose where she taught this past fall. Picking up a list of words from her desk, she began copying them carefully onto the board. For some reason, words she had known how to spell since she was five came out wrong when she wrote them for all to see, and she wanted to avoid the humiliation she’d felt back at Cupertino Creek when the pert seven-year-old Daisy pointed out her errors to the whole class, accompanied by the snickers of seventeen-year-old Buck Morrison, who slouched insolently in the last row.

Laura hadn’t admitted to anyone how badly her first teaching assignment had gone. None of the lectures on pedagogy at the San Jose Normal School had prepared her for how difficult it was to maintain discipline when a one-room school held thirty students, ranging from a five-year-old who couldn’t sit still for more than fifteen minutes to a seventeen-year-old with the body of a man and the maturity of a boy half his age. Then there was the local wildlife that (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.4 stars on Amazon. This is the third in a series of historical mystery/romance novels. I read the first one and critiqued it here some time ago, and enjoyed it. Not gripping, but a pleasant read worth the time. As for the opening to this one, well, there’s not too much gripping going on when watching someone write on a blackboard and reminiscing about the past. As it turns out, the teaching assignment from the past, and the students she thinks about, have nothing to do with the story that follows. This leisurely opening is all setup and flashback, hardly a way, in my view, to engage a reader. The super-long, dense first paragraph is also off-putting--frequent paragraph breaks invite reading. Oh, there was a strong scene later in the chapter that would have made a good opening, but I would never have reached it. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1083 for Millie —are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Millie sends the first chapter of The Edge of Nowhere. Millie has elected to not have the rest of the chapter posted.

I should have run. Why I didn’t I’ll never know.

Ben’s stiletto-skinny fingers clutched the back of my neck, and his thumb dug into my cheek. He slammed me face-first against our bedroom wall.

Not another fight. My forehead exploded in excruciating pain, and blood gushed out of my mashed nose onto the hand-painted silk. Burning tears burst from my eyes.

He spun me around. Resplendent in white, custom-tailored, Certified Sea Island cotton, his pecs and biceps filled my vision. His sweat and bourbon-breath fouled the air.

I wanted to blast him to Pluto, but my scream came out a whimper. “Stop it.”

His steel-girder body didn’t budge. A fistful of papers came at me. “Explain this.”

Up close, I couldn’t read the papers, but one blurry detail stood out: my bank’s unmistakable blue logo. My separate bank.

I was busted, but good. Nothing of this earth could save me this time.

“Cunt. You stole from me.” His voice rumbled against my ear. One hand raised the pages out of reach. The other yanked my hair back until I thought my neck would snap. His face loomed over mine, and I registered the relentless determination of his glowering stare, his welded brow, his contorted grimace. “Kate Lancer, hot-shot investigative reporter, think you’re so hot now?”

Wow. Definitely conflict in this opening. A sympathetic character, too—who won’t get behind a woman being assaulted by a violent man? In many respects, the story questions raised in this opening are strong enough to earn a page-turn. However . . .

If adjectives and excess description were sugar, I’d be headed for insulin shock right about now. In Millie’s efforts to give us every nuance of this violent encounter, she has, IMO, gone overboard. I’ll let my edit speak for itself. I think this chapter could be powerful, but only after the over-writing has been excised with judicial use of the delete key. My notes:

I should have run. Why I didn’t I’ll never know.

Ben’s stiletto-skinny fingers clutched the back of my neck, and his thumb dug into my cheek. He slammed me face-first against our bedroom wall.

Not another fight. My forehead exploded in excruciating pain, and blood gushed out of my mashed nose onto the hand-painted silk. Burning tears burst from my eyes. Her forehead didn’t literally explode, which is what this means. It could explode with pain.

He spun me around. Resplendent in white, custom-tailored, Certified Sea Island cotton, his pecs and biceps filled my vision. His sweat and bourbon-breath fouled the air. This is a violent action scene. To stop it with a laundry list of description stalls it.

I wanted to blast him to Pluto, but my scream came out a whimper. “Stop it.”

His steel-girder body He didn’t budge. A fistful of papers came at me. “Explain this.”

Up close, I couldn’t read the papers, but one blurry detail stood out: my bank’s unmistakable blue logo. My separate bank.

I was busted, but good. Nothing of this earth could save me this time.

“Cunt. You stole from me.” His voice rumbled against my ear. One hand raised the pages out of reach. The other yanked my hair back until I thought my neck would snap. His face loomed over mine, and I registered the relentless determination of his glowering stare, his welded brow, his contorted grimace. “Kate Lancer, hot-shot investigative reporter, think you’re so hot now?” relentless, glowering, welded? We can already “see” the fury on this guy’s face, his actions and words give us that. This stops intense action in its tracks. Stay with what’s happening, don’t engorge the narrative with overdone description.

You can have a powerful, compelling scene here. I suggest you look through the rest of the chapter and your manuscript and scour out excess adjectives and description. This kind and degree of overwriting is a strong signal to a literary agent that the manuscript may need too much work to be worth considering. In action, make it quick and crisp.

Your thoughts, readers?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Millie.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 187: David VanDyke—not strong, but it’s free

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of The Eden Plague. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

“Just do what I tell you, Elise,” she heard Jenkins say as she stared at the weird weapon. Growing up on her father’s ranch, she’d fired handguns and shotguns and rifles before, but this thing…he said it was an automatic shotgun, but it looked more like a blaster from a sci-fi movie.

“Hold it tight in to your shoulder. It’s going to kick like a mule but you shouldn’t have any problem with that.” His unsettling eyes locked with hers, and she asked herself again why she didn’t point it at him and use it once he gave her the ammo.

Because I can’t, she answered herself half-bitterly. I never was a killer, and I can't fight my own conscience.

She’d made her peace with he morality, even if it did mean she was under Jervis Jenkins’ thumb. Her current jailer, she loathed him to the limits of her ability. She considered biting him and seeing how he’d like to deal with the consequences, but then others would come to stash them both away in some deep hole and throw away the key.

At least now she was a pampered pet.

At least now they needed her.

For a while.

“Come on, Elise. Focus. Show me how you like to hold it.” Jenkins played with the ziploc bag of special shotgun shells, relishing his cheesy sexual double-entendre.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.2 stars on Amazon. There are craft issues here that could be off-putting. To begin with, there’s the misspelled “her” in the fourth paragraph. Also, “unsettling” eyes don’t actually mean anything—show us why they are unsettling and the character’s response to what she sees.

While there is no immediate threat here, the character’s internal monologue does give a glimpse—there’s a risk of being stashed in some deep hole and never getting out. Is that a good-enough story question? There’s another one, too—her thinking of biting her tormentor. What would be the result? Unfortunately, we’re so trained by vampire stories that turning him into a vampire is the thing that comes to mind, and I read enough ahead to know that isn’t it.

If I were paying for this, I don’t think I’d spring for the money—the story questions aren’t really strong enough to compel. On the other hand, I do have enough interest to look at a free page or two. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1082 for Vicky—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Vicky sends the first chapter of Exili Saves the Flintelf. The rest of the chapter is after the fold.

Exili ran as fast as he could. It was hard with no shoes on, even though his dark brown feet had rough soles. The pebbles indented in the cobblestones of Capnet didn’t hurt him, rather, it was the deciphering ability of the undersides of his feet that cried out. Each squish of moisture displaced by his weight, and each waft of essence discerned, all tried to overwhelm his desperate brain. He couldn’t fail and let it happen again. Fear of seeing another murder consumed him.

That Flintelf was just too fast as he led the race. Danger chanted a song of hatred aimed at the Flintelf’s back. The nuances spicing up from the ground rattled with every pounded footfall like dying breath. Around them the neighborhoods of Capnet were transitioning from his own large but snug greenhome in the Farris segment and now they were in the Flintelf community. Here the treehouses, built like square branches blending with the graceful curves of the tree limbs, rose high in the night sky. Flintelves treated trees like Pure Elves had upper floors in their mansions.

When the Flintelf disappeared in front of him Exili went on running a few more paces, trying to feel with his feet the heat of the other’s passage.

Suddenly he was grabbed from behind. Long white fingers checked his flight, lifting his shorter form up so fast his Farris feet were still moving. Wham! He was planted on the ground.

“Now, Farris,” the Flintelf growled at him, “you’ll tell me why you’re following me!”

We start with an action scene, which is all to the good. We’re immersed in the character’s world (mostly) as trouble grabs him. While there’s a lot to like about the imagination in this opening and the fresh new world we’re being introduced to, a lack of clarity earned this an “almost. Here are some editorial thoughts to illustrate:

Exili ran as fast as he could. It was hard with no shoes on, even though his dark brown feet had rough soles. The pebbles indented in the cobblestones of Capnet didn’t hurt him, rather, it was the deciphering ability of the undersides of his feet that cried out. Each squish of moisture displaced by his weight, and each waft of essence discerned, all tried to overwhelm his desperate brain. He couldn’t fail and let it happen again. Fear of seeing another murder consumed him. ”dark brown” is a pov slip—he would not, especially when in a chase, be thinking about the color of his feet. “indented” was my first clarity issue—how can pebbles be indented in cobblestones? Do you mean embedded? The antecedent for “it” is a little unclear. Do you mean being overwhelmed? Can you expand this to make the meaning clear?

That The Flintelf was just too fast as he led the race. Danger chanted a song of hatred aimed at the Flintelf’s back. The nuances spicing up from the ground rattled with every pounded footfall like dying breath. Around them the neighborhoods of Capnet were transitioning from his own large but snug greenhome in the Farris segment and now they were in the Flintelf community. Here the treehouses, built like square branches blending with the graceful curves of the tree limbs, rose high in the night sky. Flintelves treated trees like Pure Elves had upper floors in their mansions. "leading the race" isn't clear--do you mean that they are racing? My impression was that Exili was chasing the Flintelf. Clarity issue. I have no idea what is meant by the last sentence. Another clarity issue. The information about which neighborhood he’s in and what a certain kind of elf does with their housing does not seem relevant to what’s happening here. I’d delete it and stick with the action. You need the space to make this character and what is happening more clear.

When the Flintelf disappeared in front of him, Exili went on running a few more paces, trying to feel with his feet the heat of the other’s passage.

Suddenly he was grabbed from behind. Long white fingers checked his flight, lifting his shorter form up so fast his Farris feet were still moving. Wham! He was planted on the ground. Regarding “planted,” this didn’t give me a clear visual, and I thought it meant that he was still upright. Turns out later he’s on his back. That should be clear here.

“Now, Farris,” the Flintelf growled at him, “you’ll tell me why you’re following me!”

Your thoughts?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Vicky.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 186: Jamie McFarlane—close, but it got me there

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of When Justice Calls. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

"Rosita, wake up. Sister Marta is coming." Amalia Rouca shook her older sister gently. The two lay together on a single mattress within the pantry of the parish food kitchen.

"Go back to sleep, Ama," Rosita whispered in Spanish, pushing her sister back with a shoulder. "It’s too early."

Ama pulled her knee up to her chest, placed a foot into Rosita's back, and pushed her from the bed. "No. Sister Marta said we had to get up before everyone else if we wanted to sleep here."

Rosita groaned. Light streamed into the room as the pantry door opened. The staunch figure of an aged nun stood silhouetted by kitchen lights.

"Rise and shine, my quiet little urchins." Sister Marta's voice cracked as she spoke.

"Yes, ma'am," Amalia answered quickly. "We were just getting up."

"You're both filthy," the sister observed as the girls scrambled to their feet. Brushing past them, she grabbed for the small bag that held the girls’ only worldly possessions. "We'll run wash and get you cleaned up after we prepare the breakfast."

Amalia knit her brows in confusion as Rosita lunged for the bag the nun had grabbed. "That's mine," Rosita exclaimed as Sister Marta yanked it from her grasp.

"Father Timothy reported that a few items had gone missing in the narthex," Sister Marta (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.8 stars on Amazon. A nice, immediate scene opens this story, something is happening. Two child characters are quickly introduced, and they are sympathetic, sleeping in a pantry. Also quickly, jeopardy arrives when the num picks up the bag. It seems clear the stolen items are in the bag and the child is the culprit. Strong story question raised right away. It was enough for me. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.