Flogging the Quill

Flogometer 1154 for Christian — which is the strongest opening page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Christian sends the first chapter of Age of Expansion.

Circa 3200 AD

Garret tapped three times on the hood of the car. Few drivers who approached the temple failed to comply with its well-established security measures, but dealing with the troublemakers was his job.

Isabella shot him a look. "Another one? It's the first day of the conference."

"I keep telling these people..." Garret muttered.

The window rolled down and the driver peeked out. "You fellas gonna open the gate?"

"ID or no entry. And this lovely lady right here is going to search your trunk."

"Sure, just a second."

Garret often envied the gatekeeper, remembering that if he had been the one born to the rich villages of the North, it would be him in front of the gate with the golden helmet, typing in a passcode every few minutes instead of dealing with the drivers. For all its high pay and prestige, being the gatekeeper was an easy job and far less dangerous. But Garret was a poor man, and the best shot a poor person had at advancement was by protecting a rich person.

As Isabella stepped around the side of the car, the door opened and the driver stepped out. Garret stepped up to the driver. "You'll have to stay in the car until we're done." As Garret took another step closer, the driver shoved him to the ground. He raised a gun and shot Isabella twice in the chest. Garret scrambled along the ground, reaching for his gun, but (snip)

I think this opening succeeds on creating tension and raising story questions. But it also lags when it shifts into setup exposition about the gatekeeper. For one thing, I’m not sure who the gatekeeper is. I assumed that it was Isabella, but on the next page, there he is. In setting the scene, the gatekeeper needs to be included, but only that far, as in “The gatekeeper eyed them from his position in front of the gate.” Leave out the background information from Garret, especially since it seems like he's just cannon fodder and is immediately blown away. There’s more action to come if you decide to turn the page.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2021 by Christian.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1153 for Richard — which is the strongest opening page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Richard sends the first chapter of <em>We Met in Ithaca</em>.

Oscar woke up with an urge to draw. He had had such urges before. Over the years he had bought a dozen different sketch pads but had rarely used them. When downsizing for this move, he had discarded all of them, except one, the largest, 18 x 24, Strathmore, which was in his suitcase.

His urge was strong but non-specific — just an itch, but an itch he couldn't ignore. He didn't have art pencils, but he had an ordinary number 2. He waved the pencil over a blank page, with dramatic flair, like waving a magic wand.

What should he draw? Still life? Landscape? He wished he had a model. Would that he had taken life-drawing classes — to stare at naked women, in the flesh. With that kind of inspiration, he might have become an artist.

To his surprise, while he was thinking about what he should draw, he was already drawing, his hand was moving on its own. He watched with delight as, with broad strokes, he sketched the outline of a face, full frontal, then filled in eyes, nose, mouth, hair. He had never imagined drawing could be so easy.

A young woman with a mixture of innocence and experience, wounded, but not broken, with the grit to start over. Recently divorced. Mother of two; no, four children. She had married very young, a mistake. Her name was Penelope. Friends called her Penny. If he met her, he (snip)

I’m going to do a light edit after this opinion, so I’ll focus on what the issue with this is for me. It has to do with tension, with the storytelling. If you were to wonder what will happen next, the only think can think of is that he will stop drawing at some point. Well, maybe there is a story question hiding in the fact that he starts drawing without thinking about it. Is he being controlled by something supernatural? Possessed? But there’s really not a lot to suggest this as a possibility. This character is happy and doing something he likes. There are no hints of a problem ahead that he will need to tackle. I think this story starts later, perhaps in the next chapter. This is, at the least, backstory and exposition to set things up. Your thoughts?

Oscar woke up with an urge to draw. He had had such urges before. Over the years he had bought a dozen different sketch pads but had rarely used them. When downsizing for this move, he had discarded all of them, except one, the largest, 18 x 24, Strathmore, which was in his suitcase. (It wouldn’t hurt to set the scene a little. Where is he?)

His urge was strong but non-specific — just an itch, but an itch he couldn't ignore. He didn't have art pencils, but he had an ordinary number 2. He waved the pencil over a blank page, with dramatic flair, like waving a magic wand. (There’s a continuity glitch—he’s waving the pencil over a blank page, but the sketch pad is still in his suitcase.)

What should he draw? Still life? Landscape? He wished he had a model. Would that he had taken life-drawing classes — to stare at naked women, in the flesh. With that kind of inspiration, he might have become an artist. (Sounds a little dirty-old-manish to me)

To his surprise, while he was thinking about what he should draw, he was already drawing, his hand was moving on its own. He watched with delight as, with broad strokes, he sketched the outline of a face, full frontal, then filled in eyes, nose, mouth, hair. He had never imagined drawing could be so easy. I think he should think about this automatic drawing. He hasn’t experienced it before. I sure would wonder what was going on.

A young woman with a mixture of innocence and experience, wounded, but not broken, with the grit to start over. Recently divorced. Mother of two; no, four children. She had married very young, a mistake. Her name was Penelope. Friends called her Penny. If he met her, he (snip) (I think some sort of transition into this thinking would be helpful to let the reader ease into this description of the woman. Is this something that comes to him as he draws? For example: Her story grew out the sketch.)

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2021 by Rachel.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1152 for Rachel —do you want to read more?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Rachel sends the first chapter of Tuyo, a fantasy adventure. She is different from most writers who submit to FtQ—she’s a published author. And she told me, “I'm fairly sure I can make you turn the page.”

Let’s see about that.

Beside the coals of the dying fire, within the trampled borders of our abandoned camp, surrounded by the great forest of the winter country, I waited for a terrible death.

I had been waiting since midday. Before long, dusk would fold itself across the land. The Lau must surely come soon. I faced south, so that my death would not ride up behind me on his tall horse and see my back and think that I was afraid to face him. Also, I did not want to look north because I did not want to see that trodden snow and remember my brother leaving me behind. That might have been a different kind of cowardice. But I could only face one direction. So I faced south.

The fire burned low. My brother had built it up with his own hands before he led our defeated warriors away. Now it was only embers, and the cold pressed against my back. I wished I could build the fire up again. Mostly that was what I thought about. That was as close to thinking about nothing as I could come. It was better than thinking about the Lau. I hoped they came before the fire burned out, or I might freeze to death before they found me. Even an Ugaro will die of the cold eventually, without fire or shelter.

I tried not to hope that I would die before they found me.

Then I heard them, the hoofbeats of their horses, and there was no more time for hope. I held very still, though stillness would not protect me now. Nothing would protect me. I was not (snip)

Tuyo gets 4.6 stars on Amazon. Right away I felt I was in the hands of a pro. Strong voice, good writing. If you look at the checklist, you’ll see much of it reflected in this brief page. Setting the scene: check. Something has gone wrong for the character: check. Peril with high stakes: check. Something is happening: check.

The only desire we see is for him not to freeze . . . but to live has to be an underlying desire. Here, action is his inaction, his will to wait for death rather than flee. As for story questions, the narrative offers more than one. For me, plenty of reasons to read on.

A recommendation for you. I did read on . . . and on . . . and on. This is the first in a series, three novels so far. They were, for me, compelling. I hardly put them down for a week. The novels are available for free to Kindle Unlimited members. If you go for it, I suggest you read the third novel second—it’s a direct extension of the story in book 1 while the other is not, though it takes place in the same world. I do hope you’ll check them out. Your thoughts?

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2021 by Rachel.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Maybe tomorrow

I looked and looked for a novel with an interesting opening to flog--I know that showing lame openings can be instructive, but I really wanted something I could get into reading.

Looked at all BookBub had to offer for the last three days.

Just about everything dawdled along with backstory and setup. No characters were having any real difficulties.

So, nothing.

Tomorrow I'll flog a chapter sent by a writer who said, in their cover email, "I'm fairly sure I can make you turn the page."

We'll see.

Tomorrow.

Meanwhile, look at your opening page and judge it with the checklist and see how it stands up.

Ray

Out of it

My internet has been out since last Thursday, so no post today. Hopefully will be restored tomorrow.

Ray

Flogometer 1151 for Jane — which is the strongest opening page

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Bobby Jim lied to me and it took two months to find out. The clues were there, but he was thirty-three and until he quit telling me the truth, he was no trouble at all. It started with a phone call at seven o’clock in the evening.

“Hi Mom,” he said. “There’s a terrible snowstorm here.” Lie number one. “I think I’ll grab a room and leave early in the morning.” Lie number two.

Earlier that day I had sent him to Vale to take an old cancer-eyed cow to the sale. Then he was supposed to go to Bruneau and pick up three bulls from the Hirsh Ranch. He left at six o’clock in the morning, driving my Ford three quarter ton pickup. He was pulling the six-horse trailer. I figured he would get home around eight-thirty that night if he didn’t get to visiting at the sale yard. Now this.

“You’re just now in Bruneau?” I asked.

“Yep, it was slow going.” Lie number three.

“What about the bulls, have you talked to Fred Hirsch?”

“I just got off the phone. Hey Mom, you’re breaking up…” Probably lie number four. I settled myself in my old leather recliner, a glass of Pendleton whiskey on the rocks in one hand and the remote in the other. I knew I would fall asleep there, so I set the alarm on my end table for my midnight heifer check.

Okay, good voice and writing, nice to see. There’s mild tension in the references to lying but, without context, you can’t assign importance or stakes. Is it a betrayal? She doesn’t seem to think so. And she doesn’t react at him, and that suggests that it’s not a serious issue. With "why’s he lying" as the only story question, with no jeopardy or stakes giving it oomph, this opening page doesn’t reach page-turn level for me.

The rest of the chapter is also well-written, but no more story questions come up. It’s all pretty much stage-setting (some call it “throat-clearing”) and not much reason to read on. I think this story starts later. The information here can be woven into something happening that creates story. As Steven James says, there’s no story until something goes wrong. Not much going wrong here. I'd love to see the part where the story begins. Your thoughts?

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2021 by Jane.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 371 Janni Lee Simner—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here are the first 17 lines of the opening page for Bones of Faerie. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

I had a sister once. She was a beautiful baby, eyes silver as moonlight off the river at night. From the hour of her birth she was long-limbed and graceful, faerie-pale hair clear as glass from Before, so pale you could almost see through to the soft skin beneath.

My father was a sensible man. He set her out on the hillside that very night, though my mother wept and even old Jayce argued against it. “If the faerie folk want her, let them take her,” Father said. “If not, the fault’s theirs for not claiming one of their own.” He left my sister, and he never looked back.

I did. I crept out before dawn to see whether the faeries had really come. They hadn’t, but some wild creature had.

One glance was all I could take. I turned and ran for home, telling no one where I’d been.

We were lucky that time, I knew. I’d heard tales of a woman who bore a child with a voice high and sweet as a bird’s song—and with the sharp claws to match. No one questioned that baby’s father when he set the child out to die, far from our town, far from where his wife lay dying, her insides torn and bleeding.

Magic was never meant for our world, Father said, and of course I’d agreed, though the War had ended and the faerie folk returned to their own places before I was born. If only they’d never stirred from those places—but it was no use thinking that way.

You can read more here. This earned 4.4 stars on Amazon and is a number 1 bestseller in their Folklore & Mythology category. This opening drops us into an interesting fantasy world. The character is sympathetic, and the things she relates horrific, especially the actions of her father. And her reaction to what he did raises questions about her. I think the “what happens to the girl now?” story question is a strong one. This narrative is also good, strong writing with an attractive voice. I felt I was in good storytelling hands. I'm tempted to buy this one. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 370 Peter May—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here are the first 17 lines of the opening page (a prologue) for The Night Gate. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

Emile Narcisse is pleased by his appearance. Vanity has always been a weakness. Where, perhaps, others see him as just another old man, he still perceives himself as the young Emile whose smile won hearts, whose blue-eyed looks turned heads. And after all, sixty-five is not so old. Vintage. Like a good wine, some men just get better with age. Were he not so focused on his reflection in the mirror as he adjusts his tie and straightens his collar, he might have been able to look beyond it and see the certainty of death that lies in wait. But pride and greed blind him to his fate.

He has chosen a room at the back of the hotel with a view of the river. Or, rather, its black slow-moving backwater broken only by the reflection of trees on the sliver of island beyond. On the far side of the island the River Dordogne, swollen by recent rains, makes a stately but more rapid progress towards the Atlantic two hundred and fifty kilometres to the west. But it is dark now, and he can see nothing beyond the glass.

He glances at his watch. Time to go. He feels a tiny, excited frisson of anticipation. But also doubt. Is it really possible that fate could have sent such good fortune his way? It is hard to believe. And, yet, here he is.

Floorboards creak softly beneath his shoes as he descends lightly to reception. The hotel is quiet, the tourist season a distant memory. A notice on the counter reminds customers that the (snip)

You can read more here. This earned 4.5 stars on Amazon. Not much in the way of story to go on here. There’s the tiny hint of “death that lies in wait,” but that could mean at the end of his natural life span, nothing immediate. Other than that, we have musing (see the fourth item in the checklist above) some description of a river in the dark, and not much more. This wasn’t enough to reel me in. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 369 Cheryl Bradshaw—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here are the first 17 lines of the opening page for Cottonmouth, a thriller. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

It had been a long, arduous half hour for Tiffany Wheeler, and she feared it would get worse before it got better. Her boyfriend, Russell, stood a few feet away, his head cocked to the side, eyes wild. He brushed a lock of his black hair out of his eye, unbuttoned his suit jacket, and stared at her the way he always did right before his blood reached its boiling point and was about to bubble over.

“What do you mean you don’t want to live in LA anymore?” he asked. “Why not?”

“I’ve already told you why,” she said. “I’m tired of the fast-paced life. I want to move back home.”

“You said you were coming here to do a few simple renovations to this house before you listed it,” he said. “I get here and the place is a flipping disaster. You’ve torn down walls, gutted the kitchen. What gives?”

Tiffany remained quiet, considering the best way to proceed. It didn’t matter what she said. Russell was used to getting his way, something he wouldn’t get tonight.

He was in denial.

She was avoiding what had still been left unsaid.

Confrontation of any kind had always been difficult between them in the two years they’d been together. Russell was used to the high life, climbing the corporate ladder, and taking any (snip)

You can read more here. This earned 4.7 stars on Amazon. Well, the woman character is sympathetic as someone dealing with a hostile male. It definitely looks like conflict is ahead, promising a problem for her. So, on the basis of story questions, this opening has some reasons to evoke interest. But the stakes aren’t known. Worse, and a bad sign for the reader, the opening page ends with a side trip to exposition, to backstory. If there’s more of that ahead, I don’t want it. So I’ll pass on that basis. Too bad, as she discovers a body in a wall in a few pages. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 368 Erin Ruddy—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here are the first 17 lines of the opening page for Cottonmouth, a thriller. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

Ellie opened her eyes. Tried to move but couldn’t. It was dark, and her vision was cloudy. She was able to make out the square case of a window. Curtains drawn, flaccid. A single wooden chair. She was lying on a wrought-iron bed.

She lifted her head, felt a wave of nausea roll through her. Remembered the noxious cloth. She wiggled her wrists and ankles. Something was binding them — something sharp and unyielding. Plastic cable ties.

She tried to scream, but the sound came out as a muffled moan.

Where am I? Who did this?

Light splashed the wall as someone entered an unseen door.

“Hello, Ellie,” a deep voice said. “Do you know how long I’ve been dreaming about this moment?”

She knew she couldn’t respond, not with the gag filling her mouth. But she tried anyway, releasing a series of stifled sobs.

“There, there,” the man said, stepping into view. The bed frame shifted as he eased himself next to her. “You’ll have your chance to speak soon enough. But first I’d like to get properly reacquainted. It’s been so long.” He paused, gazing into her eyes. “Man, what a surprise it was to see you driving by after all these years … you, of all people. I recognized you instantly. (snip)

You can read more here. This earned 4 stars on Amazon. Other than the creep factor of yet another woman being the object of a sick man, this opening does raise good story questions as it introduces a sympathetic character. It hits the checkmarks, now it’s up to the appeal of the story to determine whether to spend 99 cents or not. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.