Flogging the Quill

Flogometer 1161 for Ken—will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Ken sends the first chapter of Blindsided, a crime novel. The rest of the chapter is after the break.

New York City, February 1968

Nick Doyle couldn’t stop the burst of freeze-frame images of death each time he cast his eyes into the dark featureless shadows. Not the actual death but the moment—that split second that foreshadowed the end. Often it was the faint metallic click of the safety on a sniper’s rifle, the vision of his face bracketed between the marks in an unseen telescope. The distant crack of gunpowder exploding, a .50 caliber bullet screaming towards him at 940 feet per second.

As he walked down Third Street in the Lower East Village with Yasmin Abramov, officially his fiancée as of an hour ago, their footsteps echoed off the deserted brownstones. Otherwise, it was quiet, just the murmur of background noise that radiated through this part of the city at night.

This cold and desolate street was different from his memory of the Mekong Delta’s steamy air and musty vegetation. But the fear was the same. In the jungle he listened to the cacophony of birds and insects while he waited for death, wondering where the bullet would come from.

Now, as a cop, walking these dangerous streets, he was always vigilant. Even off duty, even after a romantic dinner with Yasmin, he listened for something other than the monotonous din of the city as he waited for the hushed neighborhood to turn into a shit storm.

There’s a lot to be said for this opening. Good voice and good writing—except for casting his eyes into the dark. The misuse of eyes being thrown here and there is a pet peeve of mine. Use gaze, or stare, or anything that doesn’t require the removal of eyeballs from eye sockets.

The opening does a good job of foreshadowing trouble to come . . . but, when you get to it, this is primarily backstory and setup—sometimes called throat-clearing. Get to something happening in the first page rather than an elaborate tease to snare a reader’s interest. The whole chapter is basically setup, and nothing but hand-holding, a kiss, and trepidation happen. Set the scene as you have, cold and dangerous, no cabbies, etc., bring us in with the woman’s happiness, and then get to something happening to her or him or them. The first page is your best, and often only, opportunity to hook a reader. Don’t spend it all on a non-event. That’s my view. What is yours?

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2021 by Ken.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 375 R.P. Bolton—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here the opening page (prologue) for The Perfect House, a psychological thriller. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

A strip of light wakes her. The banister creaks. She knows what this means: he is back. Holding the tiny bundle close to her chest, she pulls the blanket over her head. Perhaps this time the cocoon of wool will fool him into believing the room is empty.

It never does.

The bolts are drawn and there is breathing, laboured from the climb. Smells of alcohol and damp earth.

Peering through the weave in the blanket, she sees him silhouetted in the doorway. His disgust crawls across her, but she won’t be ashamed. She won’t.

‘Be a good girl, Mary,’ her father says.

You can read more here. This earned 5 stars on Amazon. Well, just like this prologue, this won’t take long. Prologues are usually wasted on me, but this one is a gripper. In a few brief lines the setting was clear, the character sympathetic, and trouble ahead to raise story questions. Who could ask for more? Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a free BookBubber 374 Wendy M. Wilson—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging free books from BookBub. The challenge is if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here are the first 17 lines of the opening page for Recalled to Life, historical fiction. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

Earache In any form may be quickly relieved (says a medical writer) by filling the organ with chloroform vapour from an uncorked bottle; vapour only, not the liquid; and mamma’s bag should always contain a small vial of it, as it is useful in many ways. Ten drops upon a lump of sugar is an excellent remedy for hiccough or ordinary nausea, and I have recalled to life more than one person pronounced dead from sunstroke, with half a teaspoonful, clear, poured down his throat. New Zealand Times, 8 April 1890

“What’s he done then, this bloke they’re bringing ashore,” said the man in the shawl kilt. “Murdered someone?”

“No clue. But we was told you was taking ‘im upriver. Must be somefink bad. They didn’t tell you?”

“Nah. I just do as I’m told,” said the man in the kilt. “But they’re a bad lot up there. Don’t know why they keep them alive. Not good for anything and they can’t let them go.”

“How’re you going to get him there?”

The man in the kilt nodded to a cart back near the sandhills. “Put him in that and take him to the river. Then up the river by flatboat. I have some blokes waiting for me on the dock.”

“What if he’s a fighter?”

The man in the kilt didn’t answer. He’d been wondering about that himself. He had a (snip)

You can read more here. This earned 4.4 stars on Amazon. The reference to New Zealand in the 1800’s stirred immediate interest. It’s a place I’d love to go. The opening bit about the headache is a fascinating glimpse into the society there at that time, but not a tension producer. We don’t see the main protagonist yet—if, indeed, he is the bloke they’re waiting on—but still the narrative introduces an person who could bring trouble, and trouble is the source of story questions. The writing and voice are strong, too. With all that, plus New Zealand, I’d look a little further. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1160 for Renee—will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Renee sends the first chapter of Blurred Dreams. The rest of the chapter is after the break.

“I know I hit her.”

“We wouldn’t be hunting her if you had, Andros. You probably just clipped her.”

The cold air of Stromli Four carried the brusque voice Jem Wilmont assumed was the head ambusher all the way to the fat statue she was hiding behind. Irritated, she risked a peak at the five figures standing just this side of the intersection. They couldn’t be Kurzvall’s people; he would have warned them stunners were ineffective. Beckett and his pirate-rogues were either in prison or dead.

Which of the wannabe-my-boss not liking no sent them after her? How’d they track her?

“She disappeared too fast to be far,” the brusque voice said. A hand motion sent two figures darting across the street. Quick flashes of lights into doorways and under the few vehicles lining this side street marked their progress.

Jem drew back. Shit, damn, crap. It wouldn’t take the miscreants long to reach this spot. She didn’t dare shift here, some security cam might catch it. She needed—halleluiah! An alley about twenty meters down and on her side of the street. Good thing this planet’s gravity was Earth-like, giving her heavier muscles an edge over the locals. Otherwise she wouldn’t have made the fast sprint to this hiding place.

The crunch of footsteps on frozen snow drew closer. She bolted out of her hiding spot.

Full disclosure: Renee is an editing client of mine, and I’ll link to her published novel in a moment—I recommend it highly for a fine science fiction tale.

This opening has all it needs—a likeable person (I have empathy for someone being hunted by killers, not that I ever have been). Good action, the character is in definite peril. So, good strong “what happens next” story question.

Two little edits—you mean “peek” instead of “peak” (a mountain top). And I would italicize “shift” to let the owner the meaning is not the common one. I’ve had to deal with this in my own work in progress when a copy shifts into coyote form. Your thoughts?

Here’s the novel I edited for Renee, Blurring Reality. It’s a good read, I promise. And this new one looks promising.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2021 by Renee Chapman.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 373 C.J. Sansom—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here are the first 17 lines of the opening page for Dissolution, historical fiction. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

I was down in Surrey, on business for Lord Cromwell’s office, when the summons came. The lands of a dissolved monastery had been awarded to a Member of Parliament whose support he needed, and the title deeds to some woodlands had disappeared. Tracing them had not proved difficult and afterwards I had accepted the MP’s invitation to stay a few days with his family. I had been enjoying the brief rest, watching the last of the leaves fall, before returning to London and my practice. Sir Stephen had a fine new brick house of pleasing proportions and I had offered to draw it for him; but I had only made a couple of preliminary sketches when the rider arrived.

The young man had ridden through the night from Whitehall and arrived at dawn. I recognized him as one of Lord Cromwell’s private messengers and broke the chief minister’s seal on the letter with foreboding. It was from Secretary Grey and said Lord Cromwell required to see me, immediately, at Westminster.

Once the prospect of meeting my patron and talking with him, seeing him at the seat of power he now occupied, would have thrilled me, but this last year I had started to become weary; weary of politics and the law, men’s trickery and the endless tangle of their ways. And it distressed me that Lord Cromwell’s name, even more than that of the king, now evoked fear everywhere. It was said in London that the beggar gangs would melt away at the very word of his approach. This was not the world we young reformers had sought to create when we sat (snip)

You can read more here. This earned 4.4 stars on Amazon. Mixed feelings here about this opening. The writing is first rate, and the voice strong and accessible. But what do we have in the way of story questions? The character doesn’t have a problem to deal with . . . yet. It’s clear that he anticipates something negative when he answer’s the lord’s summons, but is that enough?

For me, the way the narrative builds to the threat many people feel coming from Cromwell was enough to make me wonder why he is fearful? Why are others fearful. Those questions, along with the quality of the voice and the writing, were enough for me, but what about you? Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1159 for Jide—will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Jide sends the first chapter of Birth of Gods: The Paradiso Trials. The rest of the chapter is after the break.

In one fluid motion, the head separated from its neck. Job well done. Victims rarely saw Chrome before it was too late. This time, it was someone far outside the walls of Thieves, another unfortunate existential who had been making too much noise. But out here in the middle of a frozen wasteland, no one would have heard him scream, even if given the chance.

Esco had been sending Chrome to take care of these nuisances discreetly. He rarely put a preyer request out on anyone, yet this marked the one hundredth existential that Chrome had silenced within the last three spans, a rushed succession of back-to-back assassinations. He spared the details about the targets and why they needed silencing, but it was of no concern to Chrome. This was the last existential she needed to dispose of; and then, Esco would reward her efforts by letting her participate in this cycle’s Paradiso Trials. Only teams who had received a blessing from a guild’s head could enter the Trials. Once she got the stubborn old deity’s blessing, she would go and find Vice. Her nightmares had grown more vivid lately and she had become more irritable, which spurred her hidden abilities to the surface more often than she liked. Esco had other deities to deal with, and ole high and mighty never had the time to consider the stress the night terrors put on Chrome. She felt it was finally time to share the truth of her abilities with someone other than the guild’s head. She gathered her three rods, strapped them across her hip in a low-slung holster, and (snip)

The writing is clear in this opening, but it didn’t connect with me. It’s hard to warm up to what appears to be a cold-blooded killer, to begin with. After we’re introduced, instead of going deeper and revealing a human side to this person, we go for dense exposition and backstory. By “dense,” I mean so much is packed into the narrative that it’s difficult to absorb. In particular, the third paragraph: she has nightmares that make her irritable and she has hidden abilities (so what are they?), there are other dieties, there’s a truth of her abilities (what is that>) she need to share . . .

I think this narrative needs to be replaced with something happening that forces the protagonist to deal with it in a way that reveals character and raises story questions. There is no jeopardy for the character on this page, nothing she has to immediately deal with. Her “issues” are told to us, not portrayed for us. Separate out these many things and give them narrative room to be felt and absorbed, not rained down in a torrent. This is a richly imagined world with many new things to perceive and understand--immerse us with something critical happening to your protagonist. Your thoughts?

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2021 by Jide.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1158 for Christian—will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Christian sends a revised first chapter of The Rich Man’s War. In a previous flogging, I thought the opening page needed clarity and some editing. The first version is here.

The peacekeeper leveled his gun at the man in the car. "Back your vehicle away from the gate. Slowly. And stop by the tree. That lovely lady by the orange line is going to search your trunk."

"You can't just let me in? Conference today at the temple."

"ID or no entry. That's the first rule. Second rule is, nobody crosses the orange line unless I say so. You break the second rule, and I wave this gun in your face like what I'm doing now. You break the first rule, you get a bullet."

The driver shrugged and put the car into reverse. Lowering his gun, the peacekeeper glanced back at the gate. The gatekeeper was watching them from the temple entrance. He was the man in charge, the one with the passcode, and though it was impossible to see through his helmet, the peacekeeper could feel that he was being watched. Maybe even evaluated.

The car rolled to a stop at the orange line and the driver peeked out the window. "This good enough?"

"Perfect."

The woman by the orange line started toward the vehicle, and the passenger window shattered as a machine gun opened fire from the back seat of the car. She toppled to the ground. The peacekeeper ran toward the car, gun raised, but the driver had a gun now, and it was much (snip)

For me, this revision is much better (except for one element). The action is pretty clear, and the page ends with a strong “what happens next” story question. So far, so good.

But there’s a bit of confusion remaining for this reader. It’s in this sentence:

He was the man in charge, the one with the passcode, and though it was impossible to see through his helmet, the peacekeeper could feel that he was being watched.

It’s the highlighted part that doesn’t work for me. I don’t get the idea of seeing through a helmet, and what was it that he's trying to see through it. Unless a helmet is transparent, and I've never seen a transparent helmet, how could anyone expect to see through it? Also, if he can’t see through the helmet, then the wearer of the helmet can’t see out, right? Do you mean his helmet’s face plate?

We could use some clarification. Christian has the scene clearly in mind, just hasn’t gotten it all onto paper yet. Keep at it, your revisions were on target.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2021 by Christian.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1157 for James—will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

James sends the first chapter of Pandora’s Eyes.

Alex Cave stares out the window of his sparsely furnished room in the barracks. Sagebrush-covered desert and low mountains stretch away in all directions. The heat causes the air to shimmer, as he watches the CIA’s latest experimental stealth drone race down the runway and climb into the sky.

He grins, knowing that even the government’s most clandestine service is unaware of the alien spacecraft in Hangar 5. Since he discovered it in a dormant volcano of one of the Aleutian Islands, his life hasn’t been the same. At least things have settled down for now, he thinks.

His phone rings and he recognizes the image of a man with curly gray hair, Doctor Henry Heinz, his good friend and boss here at the base. “Hey, Doc.”

“I think you had better come down here right away,” he says with a slight German accent.

“I’ll be right there.”

He hurries from the room, down the hall to the stairs, and moments later, steps into his friend’s office. “What’s going on?”

Henry looks up at the tall man with wavy-black hair and dark blue eyes. “I have recently received a copy of a recording from the International Space Station. It was taken yesterday afternoon, shortly after the launch of a new satellite called the SV1, for Space Vacuum One. I looked through their permits, and they claim it is an efficient way to collect the space debris (snip)

I’ve done some quick editing, see below, toward clarifying and tightening the narrative. But, even when it's more clear and crisp, there remains the question of tension. This page is all exposition with some needed scene-setting but some setup, too . . . and most importantly, no story questions that reach me. The character doesn’t have a problem or trouble he needs to deal with—as far as this page goes, everything is all right. The writer hopes that the existence of an alien spacecraft will do it, but not for this reader. The character needs to connect with me, and that doesn’t happen here. I have no reason to care about this person, and nothing much is happening: he stares out a window, muses, and gets a summons to a meeting. Your thoughts?

Editorial notes

Alex Cave stares out the window of his sparsely furnished room in the barracks. Sagebrush-covered desert and low mountains stretch away in all directions. The heat causes the air to shimmer, as he watches the CIA’s latest experimental stealth drone race down the runway and climb into the sky. "sparsely furnished" is telling and doesn't show us anything. More than that, how do his furnishings affect the story? Not at all,  I suspect. So why is it here?

He grins, knowing that even the government’s most clandestine service is unaware of the alien spacecraft in Hangar 5. Since he discovered it in a dormant volcano of one of the Aleutian Islands, his life hasn’t been the same. At least things have settled down for now, he thinks. This is backstory and so terse it doesn't have much meaning. And what is the government's most clandestine service? Why not just name it? And "things" have settled down--vague. What "things?"

His phone rings — and he recognizes the image of a man with curly gray hair, Doctor Henry Heinz, his good friend and boss here at the base. “Hey, Doc.”

“I think you had better come down here right away.” he says with a slight German accent.

“I’ll be right there.”

He hurries to from the room, down the hall to the stairs, and moments later, steps into his friend’s office. “What’s going on?”

Henry looks up at Alex the tall man with wavy-black hair and dark blue eyes. “I have recently received a copy of a recording from the International Space Station. It was taken yesterday afternoon, shortly after the launch of a new satellite called the SV1, for Space Vacuum One. I looked through their permits, and they claim it is an efficient way to collect the space debris (snip) Why does he look up? Is Alex hugely tall, or is this man very short? Maybe he's sitting at a desk, but we don't know that. Unclear. The description of Alex is not artfully done, it's clearly the writer stepping into the room to dispense info. And does it matter what he looks like at this time? How does the color of his eyes affect what is happening?

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2021 by James.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1156 for Tina—will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Tina sends the first chapter of Take Me Home.

”Take me home, baby, just take me home.”

This is the best line I can think of to end a movie. I don’t know if I’ve ever heard it spoken exactly this way, but it’s been said, in one form or another, in all of the movies I find myself watching again and again. It signals the quintessential happy ending: going home with someone who loves you.

“Beam me up, Scotty.” Does that count?

Maybe he meant it to, when he booty-called me last night, and I’d like to give him that, if only to put off reckoning with the angle my girlfriends keep pushing: that he is a loser and I should kick his ass to the curb.

“Not tonight,” I said, rolling over to look at the clock: 1:00 a.m.

The dick.

“Aw, baby, come on.” He drew it out like the note from a trombone playing the last trembly torch song of the night. Come oooooonnnnnnn……. I think he was drunk.

I wasn’t having any.

“Call me at a decent hour, maybe you’ll hear something different.” I dropped the slim digital receiver back into its cradle and resumed my previous position, curled around my body pillow like the sleek cat I sometimes want to be. I fell back to sleep before the clock reached 1:03.

The writing and voice are fine, but what about tension? It could be because this is a genre not aimed at someone of the male persuasion, but still, there ought to be some kind of story question here, some thing that the protagonist has to deal with. The only thing she has to deal with is an irritating call early in the morning, and she quickly deals with it and hangs up on the guy. Problem solved. And there’s no reason to wonder what happens next, IMO. And I don’t particularly care about that, either. No real tension, no sign of a story . . . I suggest to all writers, including me, to hold up their first page to the checklist as a way of identifying ways in which tension could be induced. Maybe that happens in the next chapter. Your thoughts?

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2021 by Tina.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 372 Melissa F. Miller—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here are the first 17 lines of the opening page for Burned. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

Olivia Santos strode across the parking garage toward her borrowed car, checking her pulse out of habit. Her resting heart rate was 57 beats per minute, almost always. Right now, walking at a moderate to brisk pace, it was an unusually high 114 beats per minute. She chalked up the increase to worry rather than exertion. Grandma Julie’s care team was full of cheery positivity about her progress and prognosis. But the drawn, tired woman in the bed was a far cry from the fierce, fiery grandmother she knew.

She scanned the garage floor to confirm that nobody crouched in the shadows waiting to ambush her and to cement the layout and placement of exit stairwells in her mind. As she fished the keys to her Aunt Hailey’s station wagon out of her pocket, she noted that her behavior was borderline paranoid. Full daylight, secure parking structure, safe neighborhood.>

Despite the lack of imminent danger, the heightened alert made her feel better, like she was doing something. While she couldn’t speed her grandmother’s recovery, she could take precautions to protect herself. Control freak. She heard Mateo’s cutting tone in her mind. Her husband may not be kind about it, but he wasn’t wrong.

The elevator in the northwest corner of the garage shuddered to a stop and the doors opened. She swept her eyes over the man and dismissed him as a threat: tall, dressed in expensive business attire, soft. She continued toward the car.

You can read more here. This earned 4.4 stars on Amazon. This opening is depending on the reader to see meaning that isn’t in the narrative. She is stressed (pulse rate) by . . . what? Paranoia? We’re supposed to take it that, while everything seems fine, there’s trouble ahead. A sort of left-handed foreshadowing. Then a stranger appears, but she immediately dismisses him as no threat. We, the readers, are supposed to take this at the opposite.

You ask me, I much prefer trouble to be actual trouble. In reading on, I learned that she actually knows the man well—but she doesn’t recognize him? I think this is a cheat, the identity being withheld in order to foment a sense of trouble. I found other weaknesses that a good editor would have noticed. Gets a pass from me. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.