Flogging the Quill

Flogometer for Laura: would you turn the first page?

I'm off to do my Killer First Page workshop at Write on the River in Wenatchee this weekend. It should be an interesting session--34 people submitted first pages. Even though the workshop is a little over 2 hours long, we'll have to go through them at a rate of about every 4 minutes. It'll be a true immersion. I'm looking forward to it.

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

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Laura sends the first chapter for Yellow Bike, a YA romance.  

“I just don’t see why you couldn’t make it work,” Violet rasps. She pours Jell-o with the precision of someone measuring liquid explosives. Her long plastic fingernails shine red, white, and blue, the commemorative paint chipping from last week’s holiday.

I smile and sigh. “It wasn’t my call, Vi,” I say. “I was all for making it work. He was not.” I spin the stool around and clunk another roll of silverware into the bucket on the counter. The brunch rush is over- two couples linger over coffee. Both are Violet’s tables. “’We’re in high school,’ remember? ‘We’re not married.’” I laugh but it still smarts a little. I re-adjust my apron and start on my next silverware roll.

“Plus, he has a crooked smile,” pipes in Fannie’s voice from the grill. She pokes her rosy, round face into the pass-through window. “He’s a charmer for sure, but you can’t trust a boy with a crooked smile.”

“Exactly! Thank you, Fannie. See that, Vi? Crooked smile.”

“What was wrong with that boy from last week?” Violet has found her one true love- Rex, her husband of twenty years- so now she and Fannie are determined to find mine.

“He was…” He was covered in ATV-thrown dirt and he called me ‘Babe.’ And I think he was thirty. He tipped 78 cents. “He was… something else.”

The concept of personal matchmakers is pleasing in theory. In practice, it’s turned out to (snip)

Nope

I like the writing and the voice, and that we’re starting with a real scene. The banter is well done. The only things missing from the story list above are story questions and tension. Oh, there’s the question of whether or not she will eventually succeed in romance, but that’s hardly compelling at this point. The dialogue delivers backstory in a fun way, but it’s still backstory, and thus set-up.

In the chapter, a handsome couple of guys her age come in and she waits on them. One is drop-dead handsome. The twist at the very end of the chapter that would have gotten me to keep turning the page is that she discovers that he is deaf. That promises complications and a social issue to deal with. If there was a way to get that on the first page, it would be a strong opening. We would all be wondering how she was going to handle that, a good story question.

I will admit that I’m not the target reader, and this opening might engage a female YA audience just fine—but getting tension and a story question on the page would be so much stronger. Brief technical notes:

“I just don’t see why you couldn’t make it work,” Violet rasps. She pours Jell-o Jell-O with the precision of someone measuring liquid explosives. Her long plastic fingernails shine red, white, and blue, the commemorative paint chipping from last week’s holiday. What is she pouring the Jell-O into? It turns out into serving glasses on a tray. Give us the whole picture.

I smile and sigh. “It wasn’t my call, Vi,” I say. “I was all for making it work. He was not.” I spin the stool around and clunk another roll of silverware into the bucket on the counter. The brunch rush is over- two couples linger over coffee. Both are Violet’s tables. “’We’re in high school,’ remember? ‘We’re not married.’” I laugh but it still smarts a little. I re-adjust my apron and start on my next silverware roll. The last sentence really doesn’t contribute. Save it for tension. Also, I wasn’t sure what a “roll of silverware” was, but I did get “silverware roll” as silverware rolled up in a napkin. This detail could be clearer.

“Plus, he has a crooked smile,” pipes in Fannie’s voice from the grill. She pokes her rosy, round face into the pass-through window. “He’s a charmer for sure, but you can’t trust a boy with a crooked smile.”

“Exactly! Thank you, Fannie. See that, Vi? Crooked smile.”

“What was wrong with that boy from last week?” Violet has found her one true love--Rex, her husband of twenty years--so now she and Fannie are determined to find mine.

“He was…” He was covered in ATV-thrown dirt and he called me ‘Babe.’ And I think he was thirty. He tipped 78 seventy-eight cents. “He was… something else.” The style publishers use is “Chicago,” in which numbers under 100 are generally spelled out. While this dialogue does go to character—her taste in boys—it’s about someone who isn’t in the story. Why not make it someone who is?

The concept of personal matchmakers is pleasing in theory. In practice, it’s turned out to (snip)

I’d give up the fun details and description to get a serious story question on the page.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“I'm a writer want-to-be working on my first novel. I've read four creative writing books and I think that Ray's book has been the most helpful and easiest to understand.”   HMS

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Shannon: would you turn the first page?

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Shannon sends the first chapter for The League, a fantasy.  

The sky was an indulgent blue, broken only by garlands of delicate clouds. But the hulk blocking the cobbled road stopped her dead. The midday sun behind the man crowned his fair head with a ring of light while shadows masked the features of his face. Where the hell did he come from? The field of gnarled oaks to her left or the fence thick with ivy on her right? Either could easily conceal a man. She should have paid better attention. Anna licked her lips and side-stepped toward the split-rail fence. The man mirrored her movement like a misshapen shadow. When she loped left, he ducked along and emitted a grating chuckle as if they were playing an innocent game of keep away.

Acorns dropped and bounced along the grassy knolls, harmonizing with the creek’s gurgle and the high-pitched chicka-dee-dee-dee-fee-bee from the birds in the shrubs. Needling chills slithered along her spine despite the warmth of the sage-scented valley. The dagger pressed against the small of her back. All she had to do was slip a hand along her waist and there’d be one less marauder roaming the hills. A breeze swirled between them and the strangers’ hair waived around like those sea anemones in her father’s musty books. Her own strands escaped her hat and batted her cheeks and eyes. “Outta my way, you stupid thing.” She flicked her hair and squinted to size-up her impassible threat.

Yes

I liked the voice and a conflict has been set up, plus a little mystery as to who the man is. I could do with a little less of the descriptive stuff on the first page, though, and there were some errors. Notes:

The sky was an indulgent blue, broken only by garlands of delicate clouds. But the hulk blocking the cobbled road stopped her dead. The midday sun behind the man crowned his fair head with a ring of light while shadows masked the features of his face. Where the hell did he come from? The field of gnarled oaks to her left or the fence thick with ivy on her right? Either could easily conceal a man. She should have paid better attention. Anna licked her lips and side-stepped toward the split-rail fence. The man mirrored her movement like a misshapen shadow. When she loped left, he ducked along and emitted a grating chuckle as if they were playing an innocent game of keep away. While I don’t mind starting the occasional sentence with “but” or “and,” it needs to tie into the previous sentence, and I don’t see the relationship here. Also, "hulk" is a bit non-specific. I didn't picture a person at first, I thought it was some kind of object.

Acorns dropped and bounced along the grassy knolls, harmonizing with the creek’s gurgle and the high-pitched chicka-dee-dee-dee-fee-bee from the birds in the shrubs. Needling chills slithered along her spine despite the warmth of the sage-scented valley. The dagger pressed against the small of her back. All she had to do was slip a hand along her waist and there’d be one less marauder roaming the hills. A breeze swirled between them and the strangers’ stranger’s hair waived waved around like those sea anemones in her father’s musty books. Her own strands escaped her hat and batted her cheeks and eyes. “Outta my way, you stupid thing.” She flicked her hair and squinted to size-up size up her impassible threat. The first sentence in this paragraph is long enough and  unrelated enough to the action to stop the momentum for me. You’ve initiated a conflict, get on with it.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“If you're thinking of writing a novel, put this one in your shopping cart and read it before you start. 'Flogging the Quill' is filled with advice on improving your writing and story telling, but the difference is numerous examples showing you what works and what doesn't. A bonus near the end is ten 'workouts.' These are samples of writing for you to review, critique, and edit. 'Flogging the Quill' is that rare how-to book that tells you what to do, shows you how to do it, and then gives homework to develop your writing and revising skills.”   Anderson

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Charles: would you turn the first page?

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

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Charles sends the first chapter for Long Walk Home.  

Operation: Iraqi Freedom. Day: 565. Time: 0912.

From a bench inside a corrugated steel shack, Polk watched as dozens of Iraqi civilians marched behind a roll of barbed concertina wire. They waved handmade signs and banners, and screamed inaudible curses to the US-led occupation while dressed like rejects from a Gap commercial.

Hardy and Baker had squeezed onto the bench on either side of him. In the physical prime of their lives, they had amassed thick muscles across their arms, chests, and shoulders. “That hajji looks exactly like Osama bin Laden,” said Baker, as he chugged from a bottle of Gatorade. “I should shoot him out of principle.”

“Every day for the past week he’s worn the same gay man purse on his shoulder,” said Hardy. A cigarette dangled from his lips.

“We’ll have to ask Rimjob how to say ‘gay man purse’ in German,” said Polk. The other guys laughed.

A watch beeped.

“Fuck.” He removed his ballistic goggles and wiped a bandana across his face. “I can’t wait to get the fuck out of here.”

“I hate to admit this, but I miss my family,” said Baker.

Nope 

While this scene feels very authentic, what’s happening here? Guys talk. They’re in a war, so of course there is jeopardy somewhere, but there’s none specific to this scene. The writing is good, and I like the voice.

I looked through later pages and have put together material that I think would have gotten me to turn the page with a “what happens next” question in my mind. One nitpick: the following narrative includes a word I’d never seen, “Ogaf.” I Googled it and one reference was to an acronym that means “Old guys and friends.” Another was also for an acronym, but this meant “Opérations groupées d'aménagement fon.” Neither made sense to me. The point: if you use words a reader is unlikely to know, define it in context.

So what do you think of this as an opening?

Dozens of Iraqi civilians marched behind a roll of barbed concertina wire in Ameriya Square, a busy Baghdad traffic circle subdivided by concrete t-walls and sand filled mesh barriers. They waved handmade signs and banners, and screamed inaudible curses to the US-led occupation.

Polk gripped his rifle, nestled the stock into the crook of his elbow, and held it in front of his chest. “Eight hours,” he said. “Bullshit.” He sighed, and stepped into the blazing sun.

He rejoined the perimeter of troops who paced the wire barrier. He stood five feet away, his rifle at the ready, his finger rested above the trigger, and the safety off, as he began to scan the growing crowd for weapons or hidden explosives.

Eight more hours; fucking bullshit.

“Allahu Akbar!”

Someone hidden in the crowd had shouted. Polk raised his arm as hajjis pushed against the wire. “Hold position!” he said. “Ogaf!”

“Allahu Akbar!”

Polk felt his stomach turn cold.

A flash -- light, heat, noise. Something punched him in the chest. His head spun, he smacked the ground, a bolt of lightning shocked his tailbone. A few sounds registered: yelling, screaming, screeching tires.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“A wealth of advice backed up by numerous examples and explanations. Ray doesn't just give you the "rules" of writing, but also gives you an understanding of why you shouldn't break the rules . . . and examples of times when it's a good idea to break them. Ray's book deals with storytelling, description, dialogue, techniques, words to avoid, and workouts that help writers to understand how to critique their work and others. He also delves into how to hook your readers and make them care about your story and its character through building tension, raising story questions, perfecting your narrative voice, writing with clarity, setting the scene, and developing your characters. This book is well worth the price of admission.”   Joseph

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Alyssa: would you turn the first page?

Question: have you had trouble posting comments on FtQ? Some regular readers can't get one on, and I wonder if it's widespread. Please let me know via email.

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Alyssa sends the first chapter for The Twice and Future King, a YA novel. 

When I met Isabeau, I thought it was just another ordinary day. Though I suppose you can say that about any day that unexpectedly rips your life apart.

The last bell had rung, and I was trying to figure out my homework schedule as I walked across the parking lot. I couldn't decide if I should study for my chemistry test before, during, or after writing that 5-page paper about Macbeth and doing those 45 trig problems and…there she was. Leaning against my junker of a car, and tapping her fingers rhythmically on the hood. The sun painted the waves in her burnt red hair with streaks of gold, and her clothes – jeans and a sleeveless high-necked shirt – showed off her athletic figure.

My first thought? Wow, she's gorgeous. I never said it was a brilliant thought, just that it was my first one. I cleared my throat. "C-Can I help you?" Lame, I admit, but I didn't have a lot of experience talking to beautiful girls. Or any girls, really.

Her eyes locked onto mine with an electric jolt. They weren't blue or green or hazel or brown or violet – they were all of those at once, encircling her pupils with slivers of color that spiraled into her soul. "What did they call you?"

My brain did a double-check. Yep, it had heard her right. "Excuse me? What did who call me?"

"Your parents." There was the slightest of pauses between the words – barely a hairs-(snip)

Almost

The voice is very inviting. Its confidence suggests that I’m in the hands of a good storyteller. The protagonist was immediately likeable to me as well. There’s a story question raised—what will happen between this guy and this girl—but so what? There’s not much energy or intensity or “size” to the story question. It’s on the ordinary side. She’s beautiful, but that doesn’t do it for me.

But the rest of the chapter was charming and continued to raise the level of that story question and add others. But how to get that first page turned?

Well, I’ve cobbled together some things and below is a roughed-out alternative. To make room, I decided that some things just weren’t important enough for the first page:

• The foreshadowing first paragraph, an attempt to create enough tension to get me to turn the page. I’d rather be swept into the story than told about what’s coming.
• The laundry list of things he has to study. While that paragraph is great for setting the scene and characterizing, it can be shorter.
• The extensive description of the girl didn’t seem all needed to me.

So below is some of the current first page trimmed down and an attempt to raise the intensity of the story question through the use of characterization rather than events. To be fair to the way the chapter is written, it seemed harsh to try to jam an action story question onto the first page, but I found the girl’s character to be quite compelling, so this is a try to crank up the interest via her. See what you think.

The last bell had rung, and I was trying to figure out my homework schedule as I walked across the parking lot. Should I study for my chemistry test before, during, or after writing that five-page Macbeth paper. or…and there she was. Leaning against my junker of a car, tapping her fingers on the hood. The sun painted the waves in her burnt red hair with streaks of gold.

"C-Can I help you?" Lame, I admit, but I didn't have a lot of experience talking to beautiful girls. Or any girls, really.

Her eyes locked onto mine with an electric jolt. They weren't blue or green or hazel or brown or violet—they were all of those at once, encircling her pupils with slivers of color that spiraled into her soul. "You don't look like a Christopher Smith."

What? I shrugged. “Yeah, I get that a lot. My father's American, but my mother's Japanese. I know I take after her side, but—"

She held up her hand. "Not what I meant. I know from my research on twenty-first century America that its melting pot culture allowed for people of differing ethnic appearances to have names of seemingly divergent derivation. I was referring to the names themselves: Christopher, from the Greek name Christophoros, combining Christos or Christ with phero, meaning to bear or carry. Thus, 'bearing Christ.' Then you have Smith, deriving from the word smitan, meaning 'to smite,' implying the original name applied to a soldier and not an ironworker (snip)

Now, that’s an unusual character, and I wanted to know what she was up to. Your thoughts?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“Being a first timer to the confusing and sometimes frustrating world of writing, I can't live without this book. I wish I had purchased it before beginning my novel, but practice makes perfect and I am getting plenty of it. BUY THIS BOOK . . . it's worth the investment!”   imzf

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Colleen: would you turn the first page?

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Colleen sends the first chapter for The Opposite of Magic.

She didn't do anything more exotic than hit send on an email, for God's sake, but every pixel on the screen wobbled and came to rest off-kilter. The computer was cursed. Either that or she was, and all things considered, she hoped it was the PC. It refused to restart, so Emily dialed tech support—three times in one day, a personal record—and punched in her ID.

When Alexander Hartgrave stomped into her sort-of office fifteen minutes later, she had to bite her lip to keep from laughing at his expression.

"You're a menace," he said, scowl deepening.

"I'm telling you, it's not my fault."

He threw up his hands. "It most certainly is."

"Just replace the thing—"

"Dr. Daggett, the day you get another computer to torture is a day I'm no longer working here."

A much-anticipated day.

"Get back," Hartgrave said, like a threat, and put a protective arm around her PC tower. He glared at the screen. Then he tapped three keys, and the reboot window that wouldn't appear for her popped up for him as if nothing were wrong. He clicked "restart." It worked.

No one could make her feel idiotic the way he could. Of all the bad things about her job, the (snip)

Nope

Clearly the writing is good, and the voice confident and likeable. There is a touch of conflict, but it’s quickly resolved. So what happens here? A computer malfunctions and then is fixed. The protagonist is left with nothing more significant to deal with than feeling idiotic. For me, there was no tension, no story questions raised, and no trouble ahead for her.

This page and most of the chapter is set-up that introduces us to the character and the goings on of her life at the place she works. There isn’t much of a clue to the story until the end, when a mysterious man invades the basement where her office is and she finds him in a secret room, hovering 15 feet off the floor.

Colleen submitted her chapter a couple of years ago, and the verdict was the same. At that time I cobbled together an alternative opening from her text, which is below. Would it get you to turn the page?

Emily liked to think she was clear-sighted about her faults. Excessive curiosity, for instance. Now, though, rummaging through her new office for a makeshift weapon should she need to defend herself, she realized she had missed a flaw. She'd grown up, earned her degrees and landed a university teaching job, but she had never overcome the childish desire for adventure. Well, flaw or not, this was the closest life had come to providing an adventure. Grasping a three-hole punch because its name sounded dangerous, she set off to search the basement of the Humanities Building for the intruder.

An empty stone passageway stretched ahead, deeply shadowed. Bare-bulb fixtures clung to the ceiling, casting small islands of light. Empty torch brackets dotted the walls.

One corridor after another proved empty, save for a lecture room filled by age-browned boxes heavy with dust. She picked her way around the entire level and found nobody. But she had definitely heard a thud.

Then she noticed a nearly invisible door -- made of the same stone as the wall, it was set apart only by a tiny doorknob. The knob was warm to the touch, smooth as glass, faintly vibrating under her fingers. She yanked on it and the door burst open to reveal a cavernous room.

Someone was inside. Someone wearing a wide-brimmed hat.

And hovering twenty feet above the floor.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“As an aspiring author in the Internet age, I thought there was enough information out there in the blogosphere to provide me with everything I needed for my arsenal. Boy, was I wrong. I wish that I had purchased Flogging the Quill months ago. Had I bought the book when I first learned about it, I'm confident it would have saved me a tremendous amount of time and effort in the crafting, writing, and rewriting of my first novel.”   Shannon

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

What NOT to Do When Beginning Your Novel

Chuck Sambuchino of Writer’s Digest had a recent post on Writer Unboxed titled What NOT to Do When Beginning Your Novel: Advice from Literary Agents.

I suggest you give it a read—I was gratified to find my preachments here at FtQ pretty much validated. Here are a few excerpts in hopes you'll go there and read ‘em all:

VOICE

“I know this may sound obvious, but too much ‘telling’ vs. ‘showing’ in the first chapter is a definite warning sign for me. The first chapter should present a compelling scene, not a road map for the rest of the book. The goal is to make the reader curious about your characters, fill their heads with questions that must be answered, not fill them in on exactly where, when, who and how.”
- Emily Sylvan Kim, Prospect Agency

PROLOGUES

“Prologues are usually a lazy way to give back-story chunks to the reader and can be handled with more finesse throughout the story. Damn the prologue, full speed ahead!”

- Laurie McLean, Foreword Literary

EXPOSITION/DESCRIPTION

 “The [adjective] [adjective] sun rose in the [adjective] [adjective] sky, shedding its [adjective] light across the [adjective] [adjective] [adjective] land.”
- Chip MacGregor, MacGregor Literary

CHARACTERS AND BACKSTORY

 “Many writers express the character’s backstory before they get to the plot. Good writers will go back and cut that stuff out and get right to the plot. The character’s backstory stays with them—it’s in their DNA.”
- Adam Chromy, Movable Type Management

Ray

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“As an aspiring author in the Internet age, I thought there was enough information out there in the blogosphere to provide me with everything I needed for my arsenal. Boy, was I wrong. I wish that I had purchased Flogging the Quill months ago. Had I bought the book when I first learned about it, I'm confident it would have saved me a tremendous amount of time and effort in the crafting, writing, and rewriting of my first novel.”   Shannon

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Natalia: would you turn the first page?

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

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Natalia sends the first chapter for Rush In, a YA novel.  

“Judge, get down here please. We need you,” says the teacher.

I drum my fingers on my thigh. I’m not known for joining in, but I'll do this, for Carrie. And this will cheer up Mum no end. I amble through the auditorium, script in hand.

Carrie's eyes are evasive; her body language signals she wants no kind of intimacy, scripted or real. Hell, she’s extremely cute. Her taste in some things, like boyfriends, is questionable, but Jason’s been sin binned off stage for crimes against English Lit class and I’m the leading man now. If I really were Darcy I’d want this Elizabeth.

“My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you,” I say. I would not have put it that way in private, but that sentiment and the way I feel about her are in the same ball-park. It makes Carrie blush. She's either a brilliant actor, or I am, or something else is going on. There is nothing but the two of us.

It’s over. The teacher comes to her senses first by immaturely jumping up and down. “That's what I'm talking about—” Our classmates go mad, stomping, cheering, drowning her out. Score. Judge 1 – Jason 0.

Carrie’s still glowing. Taking her hand, I fleetingly press her slim fingers, arguably still in character. She snatches away a moment too late, though her puzzled eyes betray her staying locked on mine. I think we have lift-off.

Yep.

The voice is charming, the writing good, and I wanted to see what happens for Judge. One caution: using “Judge” for a first name is problematic if it’s not clear. When I first read this dialog I thought an actual judge was being spoken to. It’s certainly possible for a judge to do something in a classroom. Maybe have the character open with something like this: The teacher calls my name. “Judge, get down here, please. We need you.” With something like that it’s perfectly clear yet only takes two more words. All in all, nice work. Notes:

“Judge, get down here please. We need you,” says the teacher. As noted, make the name clear.

I drum my fingers on my thigh. I’m not known for joining in, but I'll do this for Carrie. And this it will cheer up Mum no end. I amble through the auditorium, script in hand. Change made to avoid echo of “this”

Carrie's eyes are evasive; her body language signals she wants no kind of intimacy, scripted or real. Hell, she’s extremely cute. Her taste in some things, like boyfriends, is questionable, but Jason’s been sin-binned off stage for crimes against English Lit class and I’m the leading man now. If I really were Darcy, I’d want this Elizabeth. I think it would be better if you show the body language. For example: ... Carrie’s eyes are evasive; she looks stiff as she turns away from me. She wants no kind of intimacy, scripted or real.

On the stage, I say, “My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.” I say. I would not have put it that way in private, but that sentiment and the way I feel about her are in the same ballpark ball-park. It makes Carrie blush. She's either a brilliant actor, or I am, or something else is going on. There is nothing but the two of us. I added a little “staging” to help the reader see the flow of action. How about a little more of Carrie? Does she gaze into his eyes or look at him in any way, perhaps surprised? I found the “two of us” sentence a little hard to easily parse. Thoughtstarter: If feels as if there is only the two of us.

It’s over. The teacher comes to her senses first by immaturely jumping up and down. “That's what I'm talking about—” Our classmates go mad, stomping, cheering, drowning her out. Score. Judge 1 – Jason 0.

Carrie’s still glowing. Taking her hand, I fleetingly press her slim fingers, arguably still in character. She snatches away a moment too late, though her puzzled eyes betray her staying when they stay locked on mine. I think we have lift-off.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

I am not a fan of most writing books because they all seem to say the same things. "Show, don't tell." "Create believable characters." "Keep your plot interesting." Rhamey doesn't just tell you what to do, he shows you with concrete examples and a humorous touch. I learned more from this book than I have from all the other books on writing I've read so far combined.    Writing Mom

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Frankie: would you turn the first page?

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Frankie sends a new first chapter for The Musubi Murder.  

I turned my new desk fan up another notch, blowing papers every which way. The official word was that the climate control in the College of Commerce building was “undergoing repairs,” but no one believed that. Running the air conditioning costs a lot of money, and we’d just had another round of budget cuts.

Focus on the positive, I told myself as I straightened the papers back into neat stacks. Two thirds of my Intro to Business Management students hadn’t cheated on their first assignment. Anyway, I had already sent the academic conduct reports to Bill Vogel, our new dean. It was in his hands now.

The top item in my inbox was an email from one of my students—or, rather, someone who was apparently registered in one of my classes. I had yet to meet him in person.

Hey proffeser, I need to make up the assignment I missed. I couldn’t get the textbook cuz the bookstore is sold out. Thx, Joshua

The bookstore still had plenty of my assigned textbooks in stock, and I had placed copies on reserve in the library as well. I considered a number of replies, but my better angels prevailed and I wrote simply,

Dear Joshua,

Please refer to the course syllabus for the policy on late work.  

Nope

Frankie continues to have an appealing voice and good writing. And, for this reader, a lack of tension--I can't think of a single story question that's raised in this page. More than that, there’s nothing that seems related to a murder here. Nor is there in the rest of the chapter. It does a good job of immersing us in this teacher’s life as she deals with an unethical dean and cheating students, but none of that is what the story is (I think) about—a murder. For me, it’s all well-done throat-clearing. I suggest finding the place where the teacher is first involved with the murder, make sure that her involvement causes a problem with serious consequences for her, and start there.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“I'm a rank newbie with just my first draft under my belt and a bad case of "Now what?" I've read many books on writing and editing, but Flogging the Quill is the first to give me hope that I may indeed be able to whip my creation into a novel-like shape. I especially recommend it for NaNoWriMo. FTQ makes an excellent read in December after the chaos of November fades. Ray shows you, very clearly and with humor, what needs to happen after 'The End.'”    Elizabeth

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Christopher: would you turn the first page?

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Christopher sends the first chapter of Spiders.

The spider was huge. Black and thick-legged and evil. Okay, maybe not evil. It was just a house spider, after all. But as it hung there inverted on the miniature moonscape of the ceiling directly over his face, Spencer Waterman felt a rising sense of panic. He hated to admit it, but there it was: the tightening of the stomach, the urge to bolt from the couch right now, before that thing let go and plummeted downward, eight hairy legs outspread, to land in the middle of his face.

Spencer knew such a scenario wasn’t likely. He had observed countless spiders navigate countless ceilings and he had never seen a single one lose its grip. Ever. But still, it could hap­pen. It certainly fell within the realm of possibility.

And this particular spider was just sitting there, directly overhead, as though it had just now realized it was too big to have any business crawling upside down across a ceiling. Because it was big. Even from something like nine feet away, lying there with his infant son BeeBee asleep on his chest, Spencer could see that the spider was unusually robust. The kind you could definitely feel if it was running across your naked arm or leg.

Or face.

He couldn’t take it anymore. The goddamn spider just wouldn’t move. Spencer was sure it was going to drop onto him at any moment, and knowing this he never took his eyes off it as (snip)

Yes, but . . .

Good voice, immediate tension, story questions—all things that got me to turn the page.Not knowing more about the story, here’s the “but”--with a title of Spiders it seems like something more about spiders will be forthcoming, but  the rest of the chapter lets the tension ooze out until there was none left. Spencer gets off the couch, catches the spider and turns it loose in a shed, and the chapter ends with him feeding his baby and then going to sleep with no hint of story to come. Notes:

The spider was huge. Black and thick-legged and evil. Okay, maybe not evil. It was just a house spider, after all. But as it hung there inverted on the miniature moonscape of the ceiling directly over his face, Spencer Waterman felt a rising sense of panic. He hated to admit it, but there it was: the tightening of the stomach, the urge to bolt from the couch right now, before that thing let go and plummeted downward, eight hairy legs outspread, to land in the middle of his face. I’ll nit-pick. “Huge” is a conclusion word that doesn’t really describe the size of the spider. It does successfully communicate the character’s feelings about it, but the reader doesn’t know the reality. It would be easy enough to give the reader a size—since he eventually catches the spider in a jar, I suspect that its body was no larger than, let’s say, a nickel. I’ll quibble a little about the phrase “directly over his face”—that said to me that the spider was very close to his face, yet it turns out that it’s about 9 feet away. These are quibbles because I have to say that the writing in this opening paragraph did a fine job of creating mood and tension.

Spencer knew such a scenario wasn’t likely. He had observed countless spiders navigate countless ceilings and he had never seen a single one lose its grip. Ever. But still, it could hap­pen. It certainly fell within the realm of possibility.

And this particular spider was just sitting there, directly overhead, as though it had just now realized it was too big to have any business crawling upside down across a ceiling. Because it was big. Even from something like nine feet away, lying there with his infant son BeeBee asleep on his chest, Spencer could see that the spider was unusually robust. The kind you could definitely feel if it was running across your naked arm or leg. Once again, a conclusion word (big) with nothing to give us a good image of the spider. At first I was imagining something as big as a tarantula, which truly is huge. But a house spider? I guess I’m feeling a little let down by the rest of the chapter, which not only didn’t pay off the spider but consisted of a fair amount of backstory. A story about spiders failed to show up.

Or face.

He couldn’t take it anymore. The goddamn spider just wouldn’t move. Spencer was sure it was going to drop onto him at any moment, and knowing this he never took his eyes off it as (snip)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

---

Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

As an independent editor of book manuscripts, I feel compelled to say I think Ray Rhamey's "Flogging the Quill" is the best how-to book I've read about writing since I was assigned Strunk & White's "Elements of Style" in freshman journalism class 50 years ago. Especially useful for writers of fiction and memoir. I'm urging all my authors to get it.”   Frank Zoretich

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Tony: would you turn the first page?

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Tony sends a revision of the first chapter of Lights Out (previous submission here).

The Fenway Park crowd stirred. Third day of the season and the taunting had already begun. A chorus of boos, forty-thousand strong, rained down on him but Danny didn’t hear any of it. He’d learned to tune it all out years ago. He rolled the baseball in his palm and stroked the raised seams. The fingers on his pitching hand were turning blue. The cold numbness returned. Danny focused his attention solely on his manager. He pounded the ball into his glove and retreated down the back side of the mound as Coley trudged up the hill. Danny hadn’t told him about the pain yet. Didn’t plan to. “Had a hard time getting loose, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“You lied to me.” Coley squirted tobacco juice through pursed lips, crossed his arms, and planted himself between Danny and home plate. “Again.”

“I’m throwing strikes.”

Lines creased between Coley’s eyebrows. “Three innings, six hits, two walks, four runs?”

“I’m pitching better than my numbers.”

“Unbelievable.” Coley shook his head, plucked a wad of tobacco from his bottom lip, and flicked it to the ground. “This is Kansas City all over again.”

Danny slipped his hand into his back pocket and juggled sunflower seeds until he found the talisman that the Haitian had given him. “This is nothing like Kansas City.” 

“You got nothing on the fastball.” Coley thumped Danny’s chest. “You knew you were (snip)

Nope

I think Tony’s writing is good, I like the voice, and this opens with an immediate scene that has tension and conflict in it. In fact, it’s much the same as last time Tony sent it. Maybe I’m just less charitable this morning, but, despite the things I like about it, I didn’t turn the page this time, and I know why. Lack of stakes, of serious consequences.

While it’s clear that Danny might be pulled from the game, there’s nothing to indicate that it would be anything more than something that happens to pitchers all the time. They have a bad day, but they’ll be back.

No so here. As it turns out, if he can’t succeed in this game he’ll be sent to the minors, and that means he can’t pay for his daughter to get medical treatment that could save her life. There’s a lot riding on him staying in the game—but there’s no hint of that here, and that’s what cost Tony a page turn.

There’s a supernatural element to this story that used to be on the first page, and it was the page-turner element in the first submission. If the tension can be strong enough here, maybe he can still get to that element to crank up the interest on following pages.

I think this is a case of starting the story too soon. There’s a fair amount of backstory and set-up in the chapter, but we do manage to learn of what’s at stake. I urge Tony to look for a starting point that's after this chapter.

But I know that's hard for a writer to do. So, if you want to keep some of the good stuff in the first chapter, I’ve cobbled together pieces from the chapter to see if there’s a stronger opening page. It’s rough, but what do you think of this?

The Fenway Park crowd stirred. A chorus of boos, forty-thousand strong, rained down on Danny, but he tuned it out. The fingers on his pitching hand were turning blue. The cold numbness had returned. He pounded the ball into his glove and retreated down the back side of the mound as the manager trudged up the hill.

Coley squirted tobacco juice through pursed lips and beckoned for the ball. “You’re done. Gimmie it.”

“You’re making a mistake.”

“You’ve been in this game a long time.” Coley planted himself between Danny and home plate. “It’s a business,” he said. “You know how it works.”

 “I do,” he said. “And I know what’s waiting for me.” His hand was ice cold and clammy—not good. “This ain’t a Kevin Costner movie. There’s no happy ending here.

 “I’ll be sent down to Triple-A and a seven-hundred-dollar paycheck. I’ll be waiting for a call back up to the show that’s never gonna come.”

Coley said, “I know you’re worried about your little girl, but I got twenty-four other guys I’m responsible for. I gotta make decisions based on the good of the team, not one man.”

Danny shook his head. “There’s a new treatment . . . my option gets picked up she has a fighting chance.” He gripped the ball, his fingertips dug into the cowhide. “Leave me in."

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

---

Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“I'm a writer want-to-be working on my first novel. I've read four creative writing books and I think that Ray's book has been the most helpful and easiest to understand.”   HMS

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey