Flogging the Quill

Book-review Monday

Wherin we continue to provide a space for published authors to share reviews. This one is for a story in an anthology, and it's a nice round of applause. If you have a review to share, there are directions for submissions below.

 

Winter Twilight by Shannon O'Brien

“Winter Twilight by Shannon O’Brien was definitely worth waiting for. The final story deserves 5 stars. Teagen is an interesting young lady who has more intellect than many contemporary heroines, but she isn’t spoiled either. O’Brien develops quite a bit more tension in her story than any of the other three authors in the anthology.”

Also, a new review appeared on Amazon for Finding Magic.

  Finding Magic  Ray Rhamey

  It Makes Magic Believable They're around us. A small mutation gives them powers over natural life, akin to magic. They've been persecuted and burned at the stake. So they have withdrawn from humanity, but their genes continue to ferment in the populace.

When powers blossom, and no one can teach you what they are and how to use them, how do you cope? When you grow up different, when Homeland Security hones in on you because they see terrorists in every strange manifestation, what do you do? When your only child shows the same powers, how do you protect him when you feel like a lost child too?

This is that story.

Rhamey is an excellent storyteller who grabs you from the first page and builds the tension so that you don't want to put the book down. He's been honing his craft for years and this gem is the result.

I just hope he's working on a sequel. I can't wait for the story to continue.

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If you would like to share a review of your book, here are some guidelines:

• Published work only, ebook or print
• No reviews by relatives or close friends
• Send a cover image as an attachment to your email
  
• Send the text of the review as an attachment
• Include where the review appeared
• Include a link you would like connected to your title/graphic

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Help wanted: I'm working up a book proposal for a book that would include about 70 "best of" floggings from the last few years. It would include the submission, my response, your votes, and my edits. I would also expand on the coaching side in many instances.

It should offer many insights into the how-to and how-not-to of creating a compelling opening, plus plenty of looks at how editing can improve a narrative.

Please type in an answer to the "how" question in the "other" box, or you can just use the regular Comments. I greatly appreciate your feedback and help with this.

For obvious reasons, I'm also interested in your interest in the proposed book.

You can choose more than one answer in the poll and still add a note in the other box.

Many thanks,

Ray

Share your book reviews

I post reviews of my books here now and then, sometimes in hopes that one will interest you and you will read it.  Today I’m quoting a couple of new reader reviews to share the joy of having readers that really get it.

Want to share your reviews?

I’m opening FtQ to published authors to share reviews of their work. Some guidelines:

• Published work only, ebook or print
• No reviews by relatives or close friends
• Send a cover image as an attachment to your email
  
• Send the text of the review as an attachment
• Include where the review appeared
• Include a link you would like connected to your title/graphic

Now for a couple of reviews by readers from Amazon for Finding Magic

    A magical, supernatural world, skillfully delivered!, January 27, 2012

I love most supernatural reads, and FINDING MAGIC hit all the right notes! Rhamey created a believable, creative supernatural world and a thrilling plot, grounded in both technical details about all things biological, and characters drawn with emotional accuracy. The chapters moved between first person and third person narration which allowed the reader to dive into the inner world of Annie, one of the main characters, and also step back and see the bigger picture. This dance between the two narration styles was artfully executed. Most importantly, though, I cared about Annie, Gabe, and Mike, was drawn into their world, and wanted to know what happened next. A great read I would highly recommend. Enjoy!

  Excellent Read, January 26, 2012

This alternately charming and thrilling book was just what I like a novel to be: an absorbing refuge from daily life and good food for thought. Rhamey has created a truly magical world and, once again, challenges our perceptions of the world around us, asking what it means to live responsibly and compassionately in our society without compromising our values. An exciting read with a fresh perspective. Highly recommended.

I’ll make Mondays “Review Day,” though if there are a lot I’ll post them on Tuesdays as well.

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And the Bookshelf is also open to published authors. Send as attachments:

• Graphic of novel
• 100-word pitch/summary
• Where you want it linked to

Enjoy.

Ray

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© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Good words for we storytellers

I was consumed by a novel this holiday, something that rarely happens. Before picking up The Night Circus to read, I had been struggling with reading John Grisham’s The Confession, which is about a topic of interest to me, but the characters were unappealing and the action turgid.

But The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern was a treat. It took me to a wonderful “world” inside a fantastical circus, its rich imaginings fascinating a every turn. And, for me, so was the story. I found the writing to often be elegant, and always involving.

Here’s the opening paragraph from Erin Morgenstern’s debut novel (getting tons of praise), The Night Circus:

The Circus arrives without warning.

I know it’s a one-sentence paragraph, but I could not help but read on. Story questions pop up. No warning? Why? Who ever heard of a circus coming to town without being preceded by tons of hoopla? Mysterious, eh? A little further down the page, you are rewarded with more mystery, a sign on the gates that says “Opens at Nightfall, Closes at Dawn.”

I give the novel 5 stars—while it does not make you as intimate with the characters in the way I would like, you get enough of them, and they are fascinating characters, including one of the most loathsome fathers I’ve ever met in fiction. You keep hoping he will get what comes to him, and, well . . . you'll see.

But here are words for us

At the very end, there’s a conversation about the value of stories, and a character says this:

”It (storytelling) is important. Someone needs to tell those tales. When the battles are fought and lost, when the pirates find their treasures and the dragons eat their foes for breakfast with a nice cup of Lapsang souchong, someone needs to tell their bits of overlapping narrative. There’s magic in that. It’s in the listener, and for each and every ear it will be different, and it will affect them in ways they can never predict. From the mundane to the profound. You may tell a tale that takes up residence in someone’s soul, becomes their blood and self and purpose. That tale will move them and drive them and who knows what they might do because of it, because of your words. That is your role, your gift.”

I think that’s true. From the briefest picture book to an easy-reading middle-grade novel to, well, just about anything we write, there is that chance. That possibility of connecting with someone in a lasting way. It may only be one sentence amongst many hundreds, but it’s there.

So 3 cheers for us storytellers, and 5 stars for The Night Circus.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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© 2011 Ray Rhamey

The Silent Girl by Tess Gerrittsen—a storyteller review

Occasionally I like to do a review of a book from not only a reader’s point of view but from a storyteller/editor aspect. From the reader side, for me this story became one of those that you don’t want to leave. When I had to do other things on the weekend, I resented being deprived of it.

In short, I think this is one of Tess’s best. Not only is the writing strong as usual and the plot twisty and interesting, she has added rich flavors and spices through the infusion of her Chinese heritage.

That first page

We evaluate first pages on FtQ, so how does this one do? Here is roughly what would have appeared on the first page of her manuscript:

All day, I have been watching the girl.

She gives no indication that she’s aware of me, although my rental car is within view of the street corner where she and the other teenagers have gathered this afternoon, doing whatever bored kids do to pass the time. She looks younger than the others, but perhaps it’s because she’s Asian and petite at seventeen, just a wisp of a girl. Her black hair is cropped as short as a boy’s, and her blue jeans are ragged and torn. Not a fashion statement, I think, but a result of hard use and life on the streets. She puffs on a cigarette and exhales a cloud of smoke with the nonchalance of a street thug, an attitude that doesn’t match her pale face and delicate Chinese features. She is pretty enough to attract the hungry stares of two men who pass by. The girl notices their looks and glares straight back at them, unafraid, but it’s easy to be fearless when danger is merely an abstract concept. Faced with a real threat, how would this girl react, I wonder. Would she put up a fight or crumble? I want to know what she’s made of, but I have not seen her put to the test.

As evening falls, the teenagers on the corner begin to disband. First one and then another wanders away. In San Francisco, even summer nights are chilly, and those who remain huddle together in their sweaters and jackets, lighting one another’s cigarettes, savoring the ephemeral heat of the flame. But cold and hunger eventually disperse the last of them, leaving only the girl who has no place to go.

How does this opening fare in terms of my list of story ingredients? These are the elements that a writer can use, though not all of them necessarily appear on a first page.

• Tension
• Story questions
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene setting
• Character

Tension For me (keeping in mind that this is all so subjective), this opening created plenty of tension. Yes, it is no doubt aided by the fact that I know that Tess is an accomplished bestselling author of thrillers, but the first line started the tension in me. Then the narrator’s questions about the girl’s reactions to a threat suggest that a threat is coming.

Story Questions I really ought to rearrange my list to put this first because they are what created the tension. Why is the narrator watching the girl? What threat may be coming? Why does the narrator care whether or not she will crumble? Why does she want to know what she’s made of ? Why doesn’t the girl have anyplace to go? Where will she go? Will the narrator follow? What’s this about? What will happen next?

Voice For me, the voice is one of the strongest of the elements here. Clear, strong, assured, and distinct. The confidence in the writing lets you know that an accomplished storyteller is on the stage. And it characterizes the first-person narrator as well.

Clarity Not a moment’s confusion from any of the language or narrative. It slips into my brain easily and cleanly with no stumbles, no pauses. Even the onrushing nature of the long second paragraph works to stream the narrative flow my way.

Scene setting The narrative gives me plenty to work with. Even though focused tightly on the girl, there’s enough of where she is that I have a context for what the narrator gives me. And the description of the girl is a fine example of what I call “experiential”—delivered through the filter of the narrator’s point of view. Her appearance and actions are characterized by shading that comes from the narrator—looks younger, smoking with a thug’s nonchalance, ragged jeans not a fashion statement, etc. There’s a perceived hint of danger, too, with the two hungry men eyeing the girl.

Character This opening does a nice job of delivering not one but two characters. The nature of the narrator is coming through. He or she is mysterious, but not threatening, it seemed to me. And the independent nature and strength of the girl has been painted pretty clearly, too.

Strongly recommended Both from a reader’s point of view and as an example of how to write a mystery, you can’t go wrong with The Silent Girl by Tess Gerritsen. Did you know, by the way, that she blogs as well, with her own blog and regular posts on Murderati?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Patch earns a 5-star review

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A new review from Amazon.com

Not your ordinary vampire novel

This book was given to me by a friend and I held off reading it for quite a while because I am dead-sick of this whole "wouldn't it be cool to have superpowers or be so special I could attract one who does and then have a creepy romance with the undead?" vampire craze. Turns out, though, that this hilarious romp is not so much about vampirism as it is about (a) cat-think, (b) political satire (c) how power corrupts and (d) interspecies love. Ray Rhamey definitely speaks very good cat language, and he's got the background to qualify: check out the dedication to all the cats he has known and loved.

Rhamey knows vampires as well, and has come up with some excellent new twists that I'll bet the makers of True Blood wish they'd thought of. "DeathSavers," for instance -- a blood flavor of LifeSavers for vampires having a low-blood attack.

This book is full of wry humor, and yet somehow strangely believable. I would highly recommend it, even -- in fact, especially -- to people who would otherwise pass it up because they have no interest in the subject.

For what it’s worth

RR

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Thank you, Teri, for the tears in my eyes.

I waited far too long to read The Last Will of Moira Leahy by Therese Walsh. I should have read it early enough to tell you about it before Christmas so perhaps you’d buy it and share the treasure that I found there. But maybe it’s not too late—if you have any Christmas/holiday gift cash, it will be well invested in this novel.

Teri’s book touched me in ways that novels seldom do through the story of a woman who has . . . well, I won’t tell you a lot about it. Genrewise, it’s women’s fiction—however, as I sit here wiping my eyes, I’m thinking that’s a misnomer. How about “human being’s fiction?” There is a love story, but that most certainly isn’t what drives this tale. It also contains, quite naturally and effortlessly, elements of mystery and magical realism. The jacket flap says that it “. . .explores the intense bond of sisterhood as a grieving twin searches for her own identity in the ruins of her sister’s past.”

Since we focus here at FtQ on openings—and Teri submitted hers at one of my workshops long ago—here’s the opening page from The Last Will. In the tradition of FtQ, these are the first 16 lines as they would appear in a manuscript.

I lost my twin to a harsh November nine years ago. Ever since, I’ve felt the span of that month like no other, as if each of the calendar’s thirty perfect little squares split in two on the page. I wished they’d just disappear. Bring on winter. I had bags of rock salt, a shovel, and a strong back. I wasn’t afraid of ice and snow. November always lingered, though, crackling under the foot of my memory like dead leaves.

It was no wonder then that I gave in to impulse one November evening, left papers piled high on my desk and went to where I’d lost myself in the past with a friend. I thought I might evade memory for a while at the auction house, but I slammed into it anyhow. It was just November’s way.

Only this time, November surprised me.

I HAD to have it.

Just over a foot long, the wavy dagger looked ancient and as though it’d been carved from lava rock. The grooved base was a study in asymmetry, with one end swooping off in a jagged point and the other circling into itself like a tiny, self-protective tail or the crest of a wave. Gemstones filled a ring that bound metal to a cocked wood handle. Intricate engravings covered the silver sheath. If not for a small hole in the blade’s center, (snip)

Rather than plunging us into action with an immediate scene, Teri plunges us into a person, and does it with a singularly fetching voice—a phrase such as “crackling under the foot of my memory like dead leaves” promises a high level of narrative art, writing that will please your mind, and the book does not disappoint. Despite the lack of action or a scene in this opening, I feel that it nonetheless creates tension through the story questions it raises.

The story is told via two narratives that merge at the end to powerful effect. There is the present-day story of Maeve, the surviving twin, as that mysterious knife enters her life to eventually cut away the bonds that stifle her, bonds that she has created out of guilt and sorrow.

The second narrative is from the point of view of Moira, the twin of the title, and takes place in a series of scenes from childhood through to the tragic event that separates the sisters.

Since I knew from the start that something bad happened to Moira, but not what, I found that her narrative pulled at me in two ways—I wanted to read it because I wanted to know what happened, and I didn’t want to read it because I didn’t want it to happen. Her character, and that of her sister, were real to me, fully human, and a connection was most definitely there.

Which brings me to the pull of this story well told—I didn’t want to stop reading it. Once I let it get its hold on me, I could only put it down for the shortest period of time allowed by intervening events of life. There were times that the put-down moments lasted for only a few minutes, and they were caused by the narrative’s intensity reaching such a point in me that I needed to catch my mental breath before diving back in. This happened especially as the Moira side of the story grew closer and closer to the dark event that sunders their lives.

So, on this Christmas day, I’m thankful for the gift of story that my e-friend Therese Walsh (co-founder of the Writer Unboxed blog) has given me (and you, if you’re smart). I know I can’t wait until her next novel appears.

I won’t delay in reading that one. Nope, not a second.

Happy Holidays to all, and have a great writing new year. I know that I, for one, am inspired by the quality and caliber and sheer grace of Teri’s storytelling.

Ray

Storyteller’s Review: Tess Gerritsen’s “The Keepsake”

Every so often I do a “Storyteller’s Review” of a novel, which is a look at a novel from the craft side to see how it deals with the all-important opening page/chapter, and how well it achieves the requirements that I feel are vital for a successful story:
• Tension
• Story questions
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene setting
• Character

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Gerritsen got me from the git-go

As readers of my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells, will learn, there’s a section on why creating tension in your first sentence is such a good idea -- it gets a reader to the second sentence, and you draw your reader into your story sentence by sentence by sentence. Here’s Tess’s opener from The Keepsake:

He is coming for me.

Not only was that the first sentence, it was the first paragraph—a stand-alone jolt of tension. It definitely moved me to the second sentence.

I feel it in my bones.

I had to move on to the third . . .

I sniff it in the air, as recognizable as the scent of hot sand and savory spices and the sweat of a hundred men toiling in the sun.

With this serving of imagery, she has introduced exotic new elements that promised, to me, a place I’d never been before. I wasn’t disappointed. Tess knows how to open a story.

The first chapter created plenty of tension for me, and ended with this irresistible lure:

I turn and face the evil.

How can you not turn the page?

Story questions I can’t illustrate the chapter endings for the rest of the book without being a spoiler, but, for me, Gerritsen showed her talent for crafting story questions—it’s like drawing puzzle pieces from a box one at a time and finding that the new one fits with the old one. When you’ve absorbed that piece, the questions it raises makes you need to find out what the next piece is like, so you reach into the box . . .

Voice Gerritsen has a clear, straightforward, confident voice in her narrative. You always feel that you’re in the hands of a pro, and you can trust her to tell you a good story. On the craft side, there’s a nice use of another aspect of voice—that of the characters. The first chapter, as you’ve seen, is first person, and the clear voice of a character. There’s only one other first-person chapter—the last one. They bookend the story, successfully, in my view. After the first chapter, we slip into third person narrative from various points of view, and Tess does a good job of flavoring each character’s appearance, with each personality reflected in the individual narratives.

Clarity I don’t recall a moment where what was happening was not absolutely clear. No, this is a pro that knows how to get the story onto the page with no unsteadiness that takes you out of the flow. Enough said.

Scene setting The scenes were clearly set—but only whenever they needed to be—in a nicely minimalist, experiential way. She gives you enough to let you see the context of what’s happening, and frequent flavorings of a character’s point of view “personalize” the description to the experience of the character. I didn’t find gobs of description that I was tempted to skip.

Character The story revolves around Gerritsen’s two primary continuing characters, Detective Jane Rizzoli and medical examiner Dr. Maura Isles. I liked these characters, primarily because we see aspects of their persons and lives aside from hound-like trailing of the mystery’s scent, yet it’s done without slowing pace or interest. She gives us insights into the other players, too, enough to make them human beings, and yet not so much as to turn the story expressway into a meander down a country lane.

The story Oh, I suppose you want to know more about the story. It starts with a mummy, but not your everyday ancient Egyptian mummy—but that discovery opens a door to one fascinating aspect of the book, a window into the world of archaeology and a particularly sordid part of its underbelly. Rather than reinvent, I’ll just quote here from the book jacket flap copy (something we all need to know how to write anyway).

For untold years, the perfectly preserved mummy had lain forgotten in the dusty basement of Boston’s Crispin Museum. Now its sudden rediscovery by museum staff is both a major coup and an attention-grabbing mystery. Dubbed “Madam X,” the mummy—to all appearances an ancient Egyptian artifact—seems a ghoulish godsend for the financially struggling institution. But medical examiner Maura Isles soon discovers a macabre message hidden within the corpse—horrifying proof that the “centuries-old” relic is instead a modern-day murder victim.

To Maura and Boston homicide detective Jane Rizzoli, the forensic evidence is unmistakable, its implications terrifying. And when the grisly remains of yet another woman are found in the hidden recesses of the museum, it becomes chillingly clear that a maniac is at large—and is now taunting them.

Archaeologist Josephine Pulcillo’s blood runs cold when the killer’s cryptic missives are discovered, and her darkest dread becomes real when the carefully preserved corpse of yet a third victim is left in her car like a gruesome offering—or perhaps a ghastly promise of what’s to come.

The twisted killer’s familiarity with post-mortem rituals suggests to Maura and Jane that he may have scientific expertise in common with Josephine. But only Josephine knows that her stalker shares a knowledge even more personally terrifying: details of a dark secret she had thought forever buried.

Now Maura must summon her own dusty knowledge of ancient death traditions to unravel a murderer’s twisted endgame. And when Josephine vanishes, Maura and Jane have precious little time to detail the Archaeology Killer before he adds another chilling artifact to his monstrous collection.

In short, I recommend The Keepsake to you as both a fun read and a novel-length example of professional craft.

For what it’s worth.

Comments, anyone?

Ray

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Tips & Subscriptions Your generosity helps defray the cost of hosting FtQ.

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Book review: “The Monk’s Son”

From time to time, publishers send me books to review. When they ask first, which I prefer, I always tell them that the review will be from a storytelling and writing craft point of view, although if I like a novel I'm glad to say so.

The most recent novel I received is The Monk's Son, by W. R. Wilkerson III. The cover is beautiful, the premise -- an infant being raised in a monastery around the start of World War II -- is interesting. However, even though I've had the book for a few weeks now, I don't think I'll ever finish it. I've made myself read the first 30 pages, which is the first 3 chapters, and there is nothing to compel me forward.

Yet a blurb from the back of the book by Kirkus Reviews says things such as "the provocative descriptions anchor the tale firmly" (so far, they're turgid and overwritten) "serene prose, charged action" (in 30 pages, no action to amount to anything) "entertaining and emotionally raw" (but not in the first 3 chapters).

Update I was incorrect in citing Kirkus Reviews above. Actually, the review was from Kirkus Discoveries, a paid-review service from Kirkus Reviews. For $350, they provide "an honest, caveat-emptor evaluation, under the same impartial rubric as Kirkus Reviews." They will review self-published books, which are not accepted by Kirkus Reviews.

Is it appropriate to review a book that you haven't completely read? Well, FtQ focuses on storytelling, and my point of view is that it is an author's job to compel me to read more, to give me no excuse for putting the book down. If, in my naturally subjective view, a novel fails to do that, I figure it's fair to report on the experience.

A cautionary tale for self-publishers This review is also a caution for anyone considering self-publishing a novel, and that includes me. More on this later.

The Flogometer Test You're familiar with the Flogometer challenge: can your manuscript's first 16 lines make me turn the page? Let's give The Monk's Son the test. As it turns out, the typeset first page is pretty much the equivalent of the first 16 lines (calculated by word count) of a manuscript, plus a few. Here 'tis:

Before dawn, before the kitchen staff rose, Brother Dominic was awake. He clambered out of bed and shuffled over the cold stone floor to a plain wooden cabinet. Taking a white porcelain pitcher from a bowl on top of the cabinet, he carefully poured water into the bowl. Drowsily he splashed cold water onto his face. It was not meant to be warm but merely part of his ritual of rousing himself first thing in the morning.

Dominic toweled his face dry and brushed his teeth. Then he replaced the pitcher on top of the cabinet. The water he would dispose of later.

He opened a drawer in another part of the cabinet and extracted a clean robe. Slowly and meticulously he dressed, putting on his underwear, then his socks, and finally the brown habit that had been like a second skin for virtually most of his adult life. It was belted by a white rope studded with knots -- twelve in all -- signifying the Stations of the Cross. He lowered himself onto the pine kneeler at the foot of his bed and softly mumbled his prayers. Eyes closed in reverence, Dominic slid his rosary through practiced fingers. After more than two decades of repetition, the prayers had become more of a drone than a recitation. He made the sign of the cross neatly across his chest, then scooped up the wicker basket from the floor next to his bed and left the room.

Where do I begin? The action presented here raised no story questions whatsoever. It created no tension. Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?

Signs of writing craft problems abounded:

• the use of adverbs to tell what's happening instead of showing -- he carefully poured water; he drowsily splashed; he slowly and meticulously dressed; he softly mumbled (by definition, a mumble is soft); he neatly made the sign of the cross.
• overwriting: did we have to go through putting on his underwear, and then his socks? Why a "rope studded with knots -- twelve in all -- signifying the Stations of the Cross" instead of "rope studded with twelve knots signifying the Stations of the Cross?" Why scoop up a basket "from the floor next to his bed?" Of course there was a floor next to his bed. Hopefully, under it as well.

Because I felt obligated -- after all, someone gave me this book, I read on anyway. The adverbing continued (he padded quietly down a corridor: "padding" is by its nature quiet).

There was telling rather than showing: the abbot is "clearly taken aback" at a statement. But I never saw it.

Clichés: "the silence grew more deafening."

There were problems with continuity: at one point the monk carefully lifted the sleeping baby, who was wrapped in a blanket. In the next sentence, the baby holds out his arms to the monk. As the dear departed Miss Snark would say, WTF?

At one point, the abbot scratches "the top of his bald head." Later, he rearranges "the few thin strands of hair left on his head." Is he bald, or is he not?

And there was point-of-view head-hopping, and there was . . .

Wondering why there were so many craft and storytelling flaws, many more than I'm accustomed to seeing in published novels, I researched the publisher, Ciro's Books. Turns out it's a company formed by the author, Mr. Wilkerson. He has published 2 other books, both non-fiction.

And thus the cautionary part of this post, especially for me. You see, I'm seriously thinking about self-publishing my first novel. It just doesn't seem to fit a genre or category well enough for an agent to want to take it on. Will I be publishing a narrative filled with similar flaws? Will you?

Well, my manuscript has gone through at least a dozen beta readers, good ones, and through a critique group. In addition, even though I do editing, I'm paying a copyeditor to review the manuscript. Mr. Wilkerson could have used a good copyeditor to have at least avoided the continuity glitches I kept encountering.

As for The Monk's Son, I don't think I'm going to be able to finish it. For two full pages after the opening, probably a good 750 words, we follow the good monk as he leaves the abbey to search the meadows and woods for herbs. Finally he hears a baby cry near a creek, and there's a story question raised.

Then there's a little conflict when the monk's boss, the abbot, is enraged by the intrusion of the infant (not very Christian of him, in my view). But that's quickly resolved, and we launch into pages of learning to care for a baby. Finally, after 30 or so pages, German bombers fly overhead and attack a nearby city. But by then I was so disengaged by the adverbs and telling and staging and other craft problems that I simply have no urge to carry on.

I have great sympathy for Mr. Wilkerson. His writing is sound enough, and there was an occasional descriptive passage that was quite nice. I know how much he put into writing his novel -- I've done it five times so far. He may never read this "review," but I'll urge him to find both a good developmental editor (like me) and a strong copyeditor to go through his next work before he publishes it. The same advice goes for you if you're considering self-publishing.

And I'm going to look at mine a lot harder before doing anything more with it.

For what it's worth,

Ray

Public floggings available. If I can post it here, send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.

ARCHIVES .

© 2007 Ray Rhamey

Flogging a newly published book

I get requests from publicists now and then (via email) to review new books. Usually I just decline because I don't review books. But I told the most recent one that what I would do was look at the novel's opening for effective storytelling, just the way I do writer's samples. Summer Smith, an account executive at Carol Fass Publicity & Public Relations, was confident in her writer's work, and sent the book. So here's a look at the opening.

Journey Back

By Dan Martin

One day it dawned on me that I had to leave and I had to do it quickly because they knew where I was and how to find me. I don't know how I knew, but it didn't matter.

So I packed my bags, and I turned off all the lights, and I left. I crossed over the George Washington Bridge and drove west, stopping only to use the bathroom, to get gas and coffee, and once a day to eat. I reached San Francisco in less than forty-eight hours. Got there at daybreak, just as the sun rose pale orange over the Bay. And once I got out there I started over. Right from scratch. Even changed my name, thought I didn't change it much, from Rich to Mitch, from Jones to James. I was determined to do things right this time, though I wasn't sure exactly how.

For a start I bought a dark blue double-breasted suit, the first one I'd owned since high school. Next I had a nice résumé done up, on fancy off-white paper, with an elegant type style. None of it was true, but so far from home who would know. I decided I'd been an English teacher at a prestigious little prep school in Vermont. Parsons was what I called it. There may even be a school by that name somewhere. I don't know.

I actually think I would've made a fine English teacher. I know the kids would've loved me, because in my class there'd be no rules, no tests, no specific assignments. Anyone who wanted to could suggest books to read and topics to discuss, and most of our time in class would be spent writing short spontaneous pieces that could be expanded on later if they seemed promising.

Besides teaching, my résumé said I'd also owned a bookstore and done desktop publishing, whatever that is. And my educational background was equally impressive, magna cum laude from Dartmouth, with a double major in European History and English Literature.

For me, the first sentence was a grabber. Raised all kinds of story questions: why did he have to leave? Who were "they?" The next paragraphs kept drawing me forward with hints of a very different character. Someone with little or no attachment to his life in New York, otherwise he couldn't so easily and simply pick up and leave.

The writing is clean and no errors showed up there. There were a couple of storytelling things I'd point out to the author, though. See below.

One day it dawned on me that I had to leave and I had to do it quickly because they knew where I was and how to find me. I don't know how I knew, but it didn't matter.

So I packed my bags, and I turned off all the lights, and I left. I crossed over the George Washington Bridge and drove west, stopping only to use the bathroom, to get gas and coffee, and once a day to eat. (While this suggests that he's leaving New York City, I think many readers unfamiliar with the city would need more of a clue, and it wouldn't have been difficult to add one.) I reached San Francisco in less than forty-eight hours. Got there at daybreak, just as the sun rose pale orange over the Bay. (while this paints a pretty picture in a reader's mind, in actuality the sun would be rising from the east, behind him as he arrives. The sun doesn't really rise over the bay in the way this caused me to see it, not unless you're standing on the ocean shore and looking back) And once I got out there I started over. Right from scratch. Even changed my name, thought I didn't change it much, from Rich to Mitch, from Jones to James. I was determined to do things right this time, though I wasn't sure exactly how.

For a start I bought a dark blue double-breasted suit, the first one I'd owned since high school. (there's a vagueness to this: was it the first suit he'd owned since high school, or the first double-breasted suit?) Next I had a nice résumé done up, on fancy off-white paper, with an elegant type style. None of it was true, but so far from home who would know. (the preceding sentence is "telling," and the following narrative shows this quite well -- I would suggest deleting it)   I decided I'd been an English teacher at a prestigious little prep school in Vermont. Parsons was what I called it. There may even be a school by that name somewhere. I don't know. (I'd cut "I don't know." Too. The preceding sentence makes it clear that he doesn't, so this is redundant.)

I actually think I would've made a fine English teacher. I know the kids would've loved me, because in my class there'd be no rules, no tests, no specific assignments. Anyone who wanted to could suggest books to read and topics to discuss, and most of our time in class would be spent writing short spontaneous pieces that could be expanded on later if they seemed promising. (Interesting characterization, as it suggests he knows little about today's kids, especially the older one, for whom books are not popular things to be engaged with, and for whom writing would be a chore, not a beloved activity, if you're to believe the research.)

Besides teaching, my résumé said I'd also owned a bookstore and done desktop publishing, whatever that is. And my educational background was equally impressive, magna cum laude from Dartmouth, with a double major in European History and English Literature.

That last paragraph, in particular, portrays a character with great self-confidence -- and potentially someone headed for a great fall because of over-confidence -- someone could call him on these fancy credentials at any point. This creates a certain tension (and expectation) in this reader -- when/how is that going to happen?

This sample got me well into page two of the book and kept raising story questions. There's no direct conflict (yet), but certainly some is implied with the mysterious "they." The character has a very clear goal established -- creating a new life to escape an unnamed threat -- that the author can frustrate and complicate.

If there's anything that was a drag on this for me it was the lack of a scene. It's all telling, all summary and, for me (remember the subjective nature of reading), less involving and less evocative of character.

Still, I kept reading for a while, and that's what the author wants. I can tell you that the next ten pages collapsed six months and a relationship with a woman into mostly telling and summary, with interesting snippets of scenes here and there. I feel he could have lingered more. The effect was to keep me distant from the character because I wasn't experiencing what was happening, I was being told about it. In essence, there came a time when I was able to easily put it down, something the author doesn't want. But that's just me.

Your thoughts?

For what it's worth.

Ray

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© 2006 Ray Rhamey