Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Daniel sends the first chapter of The Pygmalion Hypnotist.
Darren emerged from the walk-in closet wearing his one expensive suit coat. He had bought the suit for his brief stint as an undercover operative and wore it only once. Holding up gold and red neckties, he asked, "Which one?"
Latoya suppressed a giggle as she sauntered over to him. Her near perfect figure made even her business outfits look elegant and sexy. "Neither, silly. You're not playing the role of an evil mind controller any more. You can just be yourself: a former college professor turned recording artist. And we're just having dinner with a publicist." She brushed her hands over his shoulders. "Even this jacket is too fancy for tonight."
Darren sighed. "If there's one thing I miss about being alone, it's not having to think about what clothes to wear. Even when I was teaching, a basic jacket and tie was all I ever needed."
Latoya slid her arms around his neck and pressed herself softly into his body. "You can always go back to your old life. But isn't this worth an occasional business dinner?" She kissed him affectionately, her thick sensual lips sending tingling sensations throughout his body.
Darren relaxed into the kiss, and slid his hands up her slender back. "You are," he whispered.
Latoya pulled away and patted his chest. "You can wear the jacket, but no tie." She walked back to her dresser and selected her red pearl necklace; it's color provided a subtle accent to both her outfit and her caramel-colored skin. "Ivy knows adult entertainment a lot better than I do. She'll (snip)
Nope
There are some fixable writing and craft issues, and the voice is good, but it was a lack of tension that stopped me. Despite hints of interesting past events (which are still backstory) in the chatting, all that’s happening is a couple getting ready to go out to dinner.
Introduce Characters with Action that Matters. Daniel included a synopsis, and I learned that this story is about the protagonist’s undercover involvement with the FBI to deal with a case of childhood abduction into a pedophile porn ring and the search to identify the victim’s family and bring to justice a sadistic, evil pedophile. Now that’s a story I would be interested in. The set-up stuff in the first chapter, not so much. Try starting later in the story when things develop that reveal the bigger story and what it means to the life of the protagonist. Notes on the writing:
Darren emerged from the walk-in closet wearing his one expensive suit coat. He had bought the suit for his brief stint as an undercover operative and wore worn it only once. Holding up gold and red neckties, he asked, "Which one?" So I imagine that you, as a reader, are already pretty much on the edge of your seat with this story question, right? What do you think, the gold or the red? The point is three of the precious first-page lines are taken up with a choice of ties that matters not to the story or the character. This doesn't seem like the kind of stuff needed to hook a reader into your story.
Latoya
suppressed a giggle as she sauntered over to him. Her near-perfect figure made
even her business outfits look elegant and sexy. "Neither, silly. You're
not playing the role of an evil mind controller any more. You can just be
yourself: a former college professor turned recording artist. And we're just
having dinner with a publicist." She brushed her hands over his shoulders.
"Even this jacket is too fancy for tonight." The giggle suppression is a little slip of
POV as we’re in Darren’s. How can he know she suppresses a giggle? He could see
her stop a grin from turning into a smile if it’s important. Description of her figure as "near-perfect" isn't really necessary. Let the reader visualize a figure that they see as making a business suit sexy.
Darren sighed. "If there's one thing I miss about being alone, it's not having to think about what clothes to wear. Even when I was teaching, a basic jacket and tie was all I ever needed."
Latoya slid her arms around his neck and pressed herself softly into his body. "You can always go back to your old life. But isn't this worth an occasional business dinner?" She kissed him affectionately, her thick sensual lips sending tingling sensations throughout his body. For me, piling on heavy-handed adjectives is a turn-off, and you know my view about using adverbs for description. This action speaks for itself without larding it up with descriptives, IMO.
Darren relaxed into the kiss, and slid his hands up her slender back. "You are," he whispered.
Latoya pulled away and patted his chest. "You can wear the jacket, but no tie." She walked back to her dresser and selected her red pearl necklace; it's its color provided a subtle accent to both her outfit and her caramel-colored skin. "Ivy knows adult entertainment a lot better than I do. She'll (snip)
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF
“I'm a writer want-to-be working on my first novel. I've read four creative writing books and I think that Ray's book has been the most helpful and easiest to understand.” HMS
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2013 Ray Rhamey
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